posted
I am writing a short story for a class and would like some constructive criticism, if you don't mind. Warning: This is the first story I have ever written.
Adam woke up at 6:00 AM, like he did every morning, ate his meager breakfast, and sighed as he drank his brown water. He thought it was 6, anyway. There was no way to tell for sure, but there was no point in thinking about that; it was his turn. This would be the only time during the month when he could relax and take a break from working. Of course, it was as depressing as hell, but he didn’t plan to spend the time in tedium.
Adam grabbed a few sheets of paper and a pen, then headed up the hill into a nearby cave. “Shifts up!”, he called forth. A gaunt man walked past him as though Adam weren’t even there, just muttering “Pointless…. Never coming…”
Adam entered without giving the man a second glance, then propped himself against a wall by a radio, and laid his paper on the floor.
Dear Journal: Where to begin… well, first I should explain why I am writing this. I am not truly sure, to be honest, but I think it is so that if we all die and someone finds this he will know there were others, and our story will live on. It wasn’t always like this, trying to survive day by day; we were once a great civilization covering the world, owning it. That, I suppose, is where the trouble began. I am skipping though, it is simply hard to collect my thoughts. I think I’ve got it now. My parents were attending a banquet at the home of a rich eccentric when someone ran in screaming that there was an announcement on the television. The bombs were flying. Thank god our paranoid, screwball host had secretly built a massive fall out shelter, it was like an underground town. After a number of years I was conceived, and taught how I came to be. Apparently no one knows who shot first, only that everyone was dead. For all we knew we were the only ones left. Correction: for all we know. Eventually the food supply dried up and we had to venture up, taking with us some seeds and our feeble bodies. Our attempt to become husbandmen was not as easy as we had anticipated, and many died in the famine. Maybe it was contaminated soil, maybe we were just unskilled. It doesn’t matter, all that matters is that my parents are dead. Now, a decade later, we come to this. Our only hope for contact with other potential survivors lies with this god forsaken radio, and there are only a few dozen…
Adams thought was interrupted by a loud crackle, then “In the year 2525, if man is still alive…” Tears streamed down his eyes.
Here I am trying to decide between three possible endings: 1) Cut if off there
2) Adam ran outside of the cave, with a broad smile across his face. He kissed the grass on the ground and thanked god. Thanked god for the fertile ground, and thanked god for the vast green sky. Above all he thanked god for saving the great nation of North Korea.
3. Adam picked up the receiver and ran out of the cave at a hurried pace. Too hurried it seems, as he missed the rock that was in his way. The rock which caused him to trip, and fall down the steep hill along with the radio. The man whose shift it was next found his body and the shattered radio, and simply walked away. This was the end of them.
Posts: 2705 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
How short do you plan it to be and what do want to say?
I would at least italicize the journal to distinguish it.
You probably have some visuals in your head when you write this piece, I would encourage you to write them down and describe his surroundings or his current state in further detail.
I think overall, the piece could benefit from not having so much information told to the reader so soon. There's not much going on that gets the reader to ask "I wonder what will happen next?" Everything is spelled out so to speak.
What's the problem and how can that be revealed and resolved (or unresolved)?
It's a start, but keep working on it and get feedback. Posts: 1236 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
The journal is a solid, indigestible chunk of unemotional exposition. It's not a journal. And why wouldn't he already have written something like this? It's just not credible for him to START the journal with that entry, and it's not credible for him to recap all that information if it isn't the start. And the name "Adam" is, IMO, forced.
Even worse: all the action happens before the story. If your entire plot happens in flashback, you've done something wrong. Framing stories are teh sux.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Thanks for the comments, I'll start it from scratch but instead of a journal or whatever I will tell the story without flashbacks. That will also help me lengthen it, make it more emotional, etc. I guess I was thinking too much about twilight zone post-apocalyptic stuff.
Posts: 2705 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I'll give you the mantra we've had beaten into us. An incredibly simplified formula for classically structured stories. I'm citing Linda Cowgill's book "Writing Short Films".
A hero wants something, takes action, but meets with conflict which leads to a climax and a resolution.
Posts: 1236 | Registered: Mar 2002
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