posted
So I have a serious girlfriend, and I wanted to bring her down to meet family. (It's a long drive.) My sister had offered that I could bring her down and we could go to the beach house they share with her in-laws; it's a 2-hour drive for her (and for my parents, who don't have a stake in it). I invited my parents to join us for dinner Sunday night, which is the problem.
Dad called me back several times to clarify details. I ended up with 10 calls on my phone that day related to this.
Apparently as soon as I did this they started calling my sister for details. It was like a computer virus infecting your system which starts sending out an email every few minutes. That was yesterday. Today my sister was spared calls by virtue of being away from the phone, and my niece took several of them. I called my sister tonight. My brother-in-law said, "She might be around. I saw her headed up your way armed with knives and numchucks." There was also a hint of kneecapping. (They're joking. I hope.) My parents -- more precisely, my mother -- is not fun to be around, and beach trips are enjoyed as vacations from her. It used to be that she was vicious, mean and nasty; now that she can't get away with that without being told to go home, she puts on a smile and directs all conversation to things that are good about her.
Apparently there was already a little tension in that my parents showed up uninvited at the beach house on sister's last trip. (They then went on to a hotel room.)
Sister said, I suppose it had to be done. (Girlfriend meeting the parents.) Sorry to have stressed you. Don't worry about it, we'll survive.
If I had it to do over again, I'd add some driving time, take mom and dad to dinner Friday night (save them some driving), and then go visit sister's family. (No, I wouldn't; Dad was working Friday night.) As it is it seems I have without thinking about it invited my parents to someone else's house w/o their consent, and that someone else finds them annoying and doesn't want them to come.
Howard Dean was right. Yeeaaargh!!!
All I can think of to do at this point (maybe somebody here has a better idea): * Call parents and say, sister doesn't know the arrangements -- if you have a question, call me * Spend Sunday afternoon with them away from others. After that, I can relax by driving bamboo splinters under my own fingernails. (But do I bring the girlfriend on that side trip, whatever it is? I like her!)
If I don't report back next Tue or so I am afraid it means somebody snapped. More specifically, somebody snapped me.
Anyway, now that I've told somebody, maybe I can get to sleep!
Posts: 544 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I'd say that you should call your sister, apologize for the hasty invitation, promise to return the favor someday, and then remind everyone involved to act like actual adults.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Call your sister and apologize profusely for not discussing this with her and your BIL ahead of time. But especially with your comment about "beach trips are a vacation from" your mother, you messed up good and should expect to do some serious groveling and repentance.
You are an invited guest to the beachhouse, not a part-owner, and you don't have the right to invite your own guests without permission. (Even if you were a part-owner, you should still discuss it with everyone else to make sure there isn't a conflict.)
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Clarification: I didn't invite anyone to anyone's house. I invited them to dinner in a public place. I live in a family in which "Will you join me for dinner Sunday at 8?" means "Will you cancel all your plans for the weekend and go to the beach for 2 days with somebody that isn't me, and then join me for dinner?"
Posts: 544 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Well, then, you need to clarify that that is not what "Will you join me for dinner Sunday at 8?" means.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I had a bright idea to shift the place so that dinner was nowhere near the beach...but by that point my sister had invited them to dinner on Saturday night near the beach, which is an about-face but that's her perogative. So we'll just do that one. Parents will drive up Saturday some time, do some hanging out, have dinner, drive back. It's something they have done before IIRC.
(So, Leroy, paying for hotel isn't needed, but if so, yes I could do it. I should make clear: nobody, not me, not sister, not mom or dad, ever suggested mom or dad stay at the beach house. B-I-L says there's a city ordinance against mothers-in-laws after 11pm.)
The selfish part of me wants to still do a dinner near their house, away from the beach, so I can say, "Remember, sis, if they annoy you this weekend it's not my fault!" but since there are things in life more important than things not being my fault, I'll go with her plans. My plans wouldn't reduce parents' driving time or sister's family's feeling hassled, would put 2 1/2 hrs extra driving time for gf, and might lead to another flurry of phone calls to a sister who does have to work for a living.
My thought is that the stress is pretty much over unless I decide to stress myself for it. In case it's not, I could do something special w/ parents during hanging-out time, which would probably make them happy and would make sister, B-I-L, and their kids all sigh with relief. I will come armed with the ultimates in verbal defense: "You don't say!"; "Isn't that something?" and "All righty then!" I don't know what I'd do with them, but there's bound to be something.
Since gf is going, I'll be happy no matter what we do. Well, not listen to mom talk about herself, but anything else. Understand, my family is the one that puts the "dis" in "dysfunctional," but there's really only one Problem Child and since dad asked me if he could bring her (!), she must know just how close she is to staying home at future events. I'm confident this event will have no tantrums, barbed comments, crying fits, or suicide threats (I'm serious).
There may be some monopolization of time. It could be worse. My cousin married recently and this past Christmas I saw her fiance at Christmas dinner. Poor guy. He was being buttonholed by one relative and escaped only into the clutches of my mother, and I could see the message in his eyes: "If I don't make a jerk of myself I can marry my sweetheart, and next Christmas we can spend in a train station or airport runway or someplace quiet. Meanwhile -- do I look attentive enough? Anybody got an Excedrin?"
So I must plot strategies.
1. gf must *not* sit next to mom. 2. I must not have more than 1 glass of wine, because in vino veritas. 3. Bring bug repellent to the restaurant, for when it gets too stuffy inside and we need a breath of air because gf decides being eaten alive by mosquitoes beats being eaten alive by my relatives. 4. Explain to B-I-L that if he blames me for this I'll tell mom that he is just itching to show her the joy of river fishing. 5. Repeat to self: her parents are 5 hrs closer than mine. Her parents are 5 hrs closer than mine. 6. ...and thank God that I have someone so wonderful that I want everyone, even mom and dad, to know about her.
Posts: 544 | Registered: Mar 2007
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