posted
So, what sorts of things have folks tried to help encourage their young ones to take greater responsibility with homework and chores?
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Have you tried scheduling? What always seemed to work for me was if my mom set it as a challenge for me to complete something within an alloted time. I wasn't yet a teenager at that point though.
Posts: 1594 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
We're in the same boat with my 13-year old brother. He doesn't do anything unless he's nagged repeatedly, or gets things taken away from him.
I remember, when asked to do my chores/whatever at that age, I would think "I don't have to". Once I had this thought in my mind, it was a matter of choosing not to until the situation becomes unpleasant enough to do the chore. I still struggle with doing basic chores like cleaning my room/doing the dishes/doing laundry. Maybe I needed more structure as a child?
Posts: 1314 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I remember distinctly thinking "The only power anyone has over me is the power I grant them." So, doing chores when told meant ceding what little power I had. So I rarely did. This includes homework.
Sorry, no suggestions. It didn't change until I went to college and no one thought they had the power to make me do it. Once doing homework wasn't mandatory from someone trying to rule over me, I (generally) did it just fine. My grades in college were far and away better than my grades in junior high and high school.
My only suggestion might be natural consequences, which is horrendously hard for a mother to let happen, I know.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
Hmm, all I can say is I'm a fan of positive reinforcement. Be the Chuck E Cheese parent and give your kid a small allowance for chores/something good when it's time for the report cards to come in the mail.
I dunno, it varies from family to family. I was just never fan of threatening people....seems like love is a better motivation than fear >_>
Posts: 349 | Registered: Jul 2006
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quote:My only suggestion might be natural consequences, which is horrendously hard for a mother to let happen, I know.
That's what my mom did.
She explained why grades were important, explained what would happen to my grades if I didn't do my homework, reminded me once a day to check and make sure all homework due the next day was done, and left it at that.
If I cared, I did the homework. If I didn't, I lived with the grade. She said my grades were my business.
Of course, I aced every test and paper. So if I didn't do the homework and aced the test I still almost always got Bs or even As in the class. When my teachers saw this they usually worked out a deal with me whereby as long as I passed all section quizzes with a 95% or higher, I didn't have to do the homework; if I didn't pass the quiz high enough, I had to go back and turn in the homework for that section.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I think the problem is with consistency. My parents weren't consistent about rewards/punishments in regards to homework and chores so I never took it seriously.
Posts: 4753 | Registered: May 2002
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posted
My mom let the natural consequences happen. Sadly, the natural consequences of not doing homework are not that bad until you try to get into a selective college or try to get a merit-based academic scholarship. That's years and years away when you are in junior high.
All that homework sure looked to me like a lot of busywork covering stuff I already knew. And..it was, actually. I didn't have a compelling internal motivation, so...nope. Didn't happen. It didn't help that I got a full scholarship to college anyway. So much for letting me suffer.
Also, I was kind of depressed in junior high and early high school. That'll sweep the motivation to do anything right out of you.
My poor Mommy. I remember when she went to a parent/teacher conference my senior year and came home so happy. She said it was the first P/T conference of her life (my brothers had the same habits I did) where the teachers were all positive.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
With the right kind of kid, sitting down with them at a neutral time and asking for input can help. You can explain what needs to be done overall by everyone, and ask the kid to help figure out how to divvy it up.
i.e., We have to keep the place clean, including kitchens and bathrooms; get meals made; get everyone to meetings and jobs/school on time; get job and schoolwork done; pay bills; do laundry; and do regular maintenance around the house. Now, there is us (the parents), you, and your baby brother. How can we get this done? ... ... No, I'm serious, what do you think would work? I'm running out of ideas, because the ones I can think of aren't working. What would make this work? How can we be creative about it?
Takes the right kid, though. It has to be a kid that is struggling with resentment at not being taken seriously, at having to do things that don't make sense, and yet still not so resentful that he/she is unwilling to even try.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
CT- I think your idea is useful, but I am curious what you would do if the kid then said, mom should do all the work.
Posts: 1001 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
The only think I have seen work is what one of my sisters did. She started really early. They were doing "chores" as soon as they could walk.
Posts: 11187 | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
How can the mom do all of the work? It takes x hours to do this, and y hours to do this, and so on and so on. There aren't enough hours in the day for one person to do that, and it isn't fair, anyway.
Let's make a list of all the things that any of us can do (which rules out some things to do with jobs and schoolwork, for example). Now how would you divide these up fairly [amongst] all of us, if you didn't know which slot you would be assigned?
---
scholar, have you learned the best way to divide a piece of food fairly between two kids?
I've known a few families who had a list of chores for the (recalcitrant) child to divvy up, but then they [the parents] got to assign the particular slots to different people.
For some it worked, for some it didn't. Again, it takes a certain kind of kid, and -- I suppose -- a certain kind of family. But I'm not a big believer in one-size-fits-all solutions in general, anyway.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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Thanks for the reminescences and ideas! Keep 'em coming!
LOL at the message below. "Does your teen stay in the shower too long?" Mine is still quibbling over taking 'em . . .
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
My mother pretty much just let me do things however I wanted, whenever I wanted. But I was one of those eccentric, "gifted" children. Sometimes that meant I did homework at three in the morning. Sometimes it meant I just up and went to a movie alone. At one point, it meant I slept in a sleeping bag in the bathtub (I really can't explain that one).
My brother, on the other hand, really needed structure. He needed to be told every day to sit down at a particular time and do his homework before he could play video games or whatever it was he wanted to do. My parents really needed to kind of give him external structure to make sure things got done. So I don't think there's any one right way to go about it....it depends on the child/children involved.
posted
My mother just didn't allow any wriggle room. It was such a fact of life that you did what she said that not doing what she said was unthinkeable.
It possibly helps for them to know what YOU do, so they don't feel like you're just laying it on them. Make a list of all the stuff you do and show them what they have to do.
Uh... I just realised that CT said this. So yes, I agree.
If he doesn't keep his room clear, threaten to confiscate everything on the floor and follow it through. Leave anything you really think he cares about.
About the homework, it really depends on the importance of the homework, how much he slacks off on it, how well he does in classes... but instead of enforcing it blindly, make sure he knows how important it is to do well in classes and such and then bring down the hammer if you think it's not getting through. Don't do it by marks, do it by homework. Also, chances are much of his homework is really boring so doing it is worse than a chore.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote:If he doesn't keep his room clear, threaten to confiscate everything on the floor and follow it through.
There was that lady who sold it all on eBay...
My mom used to confiscate stuff. It would be for a set time period (like a month) but then she would hide it-- and forget where she put it. So we usually got it back years later if at all. We learned just to not get it taken away if we wanted it...
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
The biggest thing I slacked off on was cleaning my room, and there were two big reasons for that. The first was that I was expected to go straight from having my parents do it for me to having to do it entirely myself, and I never really learned how to go about it. The other reason was that when I was in elementary school I overheard my mom telling a friend's mom that she shouldn't worry about it too much if my friend wouldn't clean her room, because you have to pick your battles and you can't really force someone to keep organize. I guess my lesson would be to make sure that you not only make sure your kids know what their responsibilities are, but also how to do it.
Posts: 1547 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
In this household everything is secondary to grades, church attendance, and chores. That means that unless you keep up your grades, make it to church on Sunday and Wednesday, and do your chores then you don't have extracurricular pursuits.
Example - my oldest said she was too tired to go to church on Sunday morning. Or too tired to do her homework, or to wash the dishes. She's claimed she's too tired to do all three things recently.
So, I explained that obviously her schedule was too full, something needed to be cut out so she could get more rest. Since school, church, and chores take priority over all else, that means color guard had to go. I asked if I needed to call the band director myself to tell him she'd be quitting, or would she handle it? She turned it around and got stuff done.
I'm a big believer in natural consequences as well. She didn't do a project once and I refused to bail her out. The teacher let her turn it in late, but she lost a letter grade for the lateness. *shrug* That's what happens. Of course, with her the grades matter a lot. She is devastated when she gets a poor grade so she pretty much self-motivates on the grade issue.
My middle daughter (10) forgot her grips one day for gymnastics practice. She had to run laps and do push-ups as punishment. I could have gone home and gotten the grips for her, but I didn't because she has to learn to deal with the consequences of her actions.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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quote:The biggest thing I slacked off on was cleaning my room, and there were two big reasons for that. The first was that I was expected to go straight from having my parents do it for me to having to do it entirely myself, and I never really learned how to go about it.
Forgive me, but... is there anything really to learn? You put stuff away where it goes. If you need more space to store stuff, you solve the problem.
I have a messy room generally but I clean it up regularly or at least shovel everything into some semblance of clear because I live in the room. It helps to have nowhere else to go.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Teshi: You put stuff away where it goes. If you need more space to store stuff, you solve the problem.
That is the tricky part- solving the problem. Since I didn't have a desk or bookshelf as a kid, my room was mostly stacks. So, clean or dirty, you couldn't see the floor. As an adult, I have purchased tons of bookshelves and baskets to organize stuff in.
Posts: 1001 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Witness BannaOj's thread on Fall cleaning/ organization (and the links within to the industry spawned by people's frequent difficulties in these matters).
quote:If he doesn't keep his room clear, threaten to confiscate everything on the floor and follow it through. Leave anything you really think he cares about.
My parents always threatened this, but rarely followed through. The handful of times they did, they caved and gave stuff back after enough whining/ crying from my sisters and I. I think consistency and following through are paramount to getting your kids to take your punishments seriously.
Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
We didn't get allowance if we didn't do our chores. And then my parents gave us extra chores as punishments when we were bad. Any naughty behavior, and BAM, there we were, cleaning bathrooms.
Posts: 910 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
My dad did that a few times - when I wasn't doing my homework, he came to my room with a box and confiscated my books which I was reading instead of doing my homework.
It didn't work. I got them from the library instead, and I didn't always check them out first.
*reminisces fondly* For a such a good kid that turned out so smashingly, I must have been absolute heck to raise.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
Becuase I am mean and evil, kids who don't get their chores done in a timely manner get extra chores. We did once take everything- and I do mean everything- of Matthew's and give it to the Goodwill. It didn't work, but he didn't care either, and at least it took a while to accumulate more stuff to leave on the florr. I use chores as consequences too.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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quote:But I'm not a big believer in one-size-fits-all solutions in general, anyway.
Me, either. For our family, we don't give rewards or money for chores (or we won't when Aerin's old enough). Our feeling is that in a family, everyone does certain things to keep things running. These things are done for the good of the family and that's its own reward.
When I worked at the Y, we had a huge problem with getting the kids to pick up after themselves. They would never put their backpacks in the cubbies, they left markers lying around with the caps off, they left footballs out in the field. I instituted certain policies as these things came up and they worked quite well. They were what I felt were natural consequences. Any backpack on the floor by 15 minutes after snack when in the office and would be returned to the parents at pick-up time. No exceptions. Within 4 days, the problem was completely solved. If I found a marker with the cap off, I confiscated all the markers of that color. It drove the kids crazy. Footballs left on the field were replaced with Nerf footballs for the rest of the week. Of course, the kids policed each other, which helps a lot and that's not possible with only 1 child.
There's also the earn-the-lifestyle school, which I think can work extremely well. Basically, if you do your chores and homework, you live an "A" lifestyle - the child gets whatever privileges and freedoms are meaningful to him. An "F" lifestyle is very unpleasant, again in a way that is meaningful to the child.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
(Of course, I don't believe in rewarding for grades, either. I can see doing it once or twice, if a kid tries really hard and pulls his grades up and keeps them up. But generally, again, that's what grades are for.)
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Oh, I agree. The letters in the "system" aren't actual academic grades, they're just used to indicate levels. I forget where I read about it, but the book explained that they used letters in that way because it's something children can understand. They did stress that the child doesn't need to get A's in order to live an "A" lifestyle. I just did a crummy job explaining.
I am completely opposed to rewarding for grades. Especially with cash, which seems to be a very common practice nowadays.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Yeah, about half the kids in my class growing up got money for good grades.
My husband did, and got punished when he got bad ones.
He then had a hard time motivating himself his first year in college when the external motivation was taken away.
(Of course, his mom tried to take away his car-- which he had paid for himself and paid the insurance on-- and "ground" him when he then got bad grades. He was 19 at the time. Yeah, that didn't go over so well.)
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I got money for good grades, but it was so little compared to the amount of work it took to "earn" that it wasn't worth it.
I got money for grades in college, too - good grades = no tuition. Now, that worked.
So, maybe the issue isn't that money for grades is bad, but that it usually isn't enough money. Five dollars an A is nothing. If it was supposed to make the difference between me doing homework or not, that's something like three cents an hour. Definitely not worth it.
Five hundred dollars an A and a promise to be able to use it on a trip to Alaska would have been something.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
I read in Reader's Digest (I think it was the Ask Laskas column) about a woman who wanted to know what she could do about her son and daughter-in-law who grounded their kids (ages 10 and 13) if they didn't get straight As. It just astounds me that people would do that.
Posts: 399 | Registered: Sep 2002
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I love it when I get phone calls from parents asking why a student's grade dropped from an A+ on the interim report to an A on the report card. Posts: 834 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Hmm... When I was a Freshman I was a straight A student, then end of second semester I got an A- in one class. My mom scowled and was said "You should have done better!"... after that my grades steadily declined. I didn't have any issue with the work itself, I just stopped doing the work. Didn't care.
Lesson. A) I am an idiot. B) People, especially at that age, are petty. Don't let them cut off their nose to spite their face.
Posts: 2705 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Don't let them out of the house until their homework is done. That's the rule my parents have for me. It is even worse now because I have so much homework this year that everything else is beginning to slowly get cut out of my life. Honestly though, if the kid is a high schooler or middle schooler, he should be able to take care of himself homeworkwise. Most kids are able to catch up on homework during lunch or homeroom, so often times making the kid stay up late for a math assignment that is graded for completion isn't worth it.
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Not having schooled kids, I may have no room to speak, but I lean toward the idea of grades and homework being completely the kid's responsiblity. It's their future, their choice.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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quote:Originally posted by JonHecht: Hmm... When I was a Freshman I was a straight A student, then end of second semester I got an A- in one class. My mom scowled and was said "You should have done better!"... after that my grades steadily declined. I didn't have any issue with the work itself, I just stopped doing the work. Didn't care.
Lesson. A) I am an idiot. B) People, especially at that age, are petty. Don't let them cut off their nose to spite their face.
Yeah, I always used to get the "We just want you to live up to your potential" line. After awhile I figured it would be more fruitful to lower my potential, instead of trying to reach a goal that was constantly alusive. Probably not the best as far as long term goals.
Come to think of it, this could have stemmed from a Calvin & Hobbes comic where Calvin gets a D on a test and is very happy. He explains to a confused Susie that if he keeps the bar low it's easier to satisfy. Or something along those lines.
Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Fortunately my daughter has gravitated toward science oriented careers, and I guess she's just a good kid, because I don't really nag her much about homework. She's also just barely starting junior high, so I guess I'll keep my fingers crossed.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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