posted
I'm leaving. I have been around too long and have accomplished far too little in that time.
I'm tired. Tired of being lonely. And yet I know that nothing can be done to change this. I've never belonged here, and I can no longer keep up appearances. Merely keeping myself upright is becoming too much of a strain lately.
It is unfair to others to keep hanging around and taking up precious space.
posted
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You are a valued member of this community and an important human being. There is no such thing as taking up precious space, you being somewhere doesn't harm anyone else. And it really, really sounds like you need to get some professional, real life help. Is there someone you can go talk to right now? If not, where are you, and let us find someone for you.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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You've got friends here. Don't let the effed-up chemistry in your brain override the rational part of you that knows that life is not as bad as it feels.
Talk to us, please.
Posts: 3275 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I hope you'll return again before too long. I've taken a break now and then. I always thought there were good reasons, but it's always near the same time of year. Hmmm. There a time to post and a time to refrain from posting, or somethin'.
I looked back over your posts, and I want to emphasize that as someone who has been off meds for 15 years (but has had professional counseling and support groups), it is important to have folks to talk to, and to take into account that the imbalanced brain is on its own program, like a high-maintenance car. If your car has an oil light, you give it some oil. If it keeps coming back on, take it to the shop.
posted
Eduardo, I agree with the posters above both that you are welcome here and that it sounds like you could use some real-time assistance in coping. I hope you take ElJay's advice, reread pooka's post, and get someone involved to help you.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
There is no such things as precious space on the interweb. No one here would be happier if you chose to no longer participate at hatrack, but if you feel that not participating would decrease the stress in your life then good luck in all that you do.
I have taken many significant breaks from hatrack. Use the extra time to take care of yourself. ((( )))
Posts: 3936 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
But before you take a break, let us know how you're doing, k? Even if you don't want to talk about anything too personal on the forums, we've all got e-mails.
I don't know what your religious preferences are so I hope you don't take offense at this, but you're in my prayers.
Posts: 96 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
Eduardo -- everyone's treating this as a goodbye to Hatrack post but I'm frightened that you are saying goodbye to life. By all means take a break from Hatrack if it's what you want to do, and come back whenever you change your mind, but the space you are taking up on this planet is YOUR precious space and no one else could possibly occupy it as well.
And I, for one, read your posts because I find them worth reading, so that's as valued a member as you get to be on an Internet forum. Please check back in and let us know how you're doing.
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posted
Since I'm someone who doesn't post too often, you might not realize how much I enjoy reading your posts. I hope this is just a little break and that you'll come back soon.
Posts: 834 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
(Uprooted, I think ElJay and others picked up on the same thing, and that is why she offered to help him find "professional, real life help.")
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Yeah, I know I was taking the dense interpretation of others' posts but I'm all about saying some things straight up and out in the open. At any rate, at least Eduardo knows that there are a lot of people here who are concerned about him; I'm assuming that several of you emailed him as I did in case he doesn't read this.
ETA: Is anyone in contact w/ him IRL?
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Talk to us, Eduardo St. Elmo! There are plenty of us who really care. Email or aim me. I want to know what's going on in your life.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Just adding my name to the list. Leave if that is what you think is best, but I don't think anybody here agrees that you leaving is good for hatrack.
I've always enjoyed your presence in the forums. Please reconsider.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I have a condition. I won't go into the details of it, but it's slowly wrecking me. I spend far too much energy in creating the illusion that I'm doing fine.
After considering every possible solution, I have come to the conclusion that there really is only one way out. In stead of waiting for the inevitable ultimate breakdown, I will take matters into my own hands and choose my own path.
Good folks of Hatrack don't worry about me, it'll do neither you nor me any good. I thank you for your concern about me. I care about you as well, which is why it is best that I leave.
posted
Unfortunately for you, just as we can't force you to stick around you can't force us not to worry about you. You are a part of this community. I care about you, I enjoy reading your posts, and I will notice if you're not here.
You don't need to create illusions. Don't waste the energy. Just be who you are. Spend that energy getting whatever help is available to you for your condition, to make the rest of your life as fulfilling as possible.
Everyone is slowly dying. The ultimate breakdown is inevitable for all of us, just some people have a better idea of when it's coming than others. That doesn't mean life is futile.
Saying that it is best if you leave is a lie to make yourself feel better. We don't want you to leave. Stay with us, Estelmo. Let us help you if we can, and support you where we cannot. Please.
posted
You're in Holland, right? Have you called a crisis hotline? I found this number: 0900-0767. Please call and talk to them before you do anything else.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Eduardo, do you have anyone in "real life" that you're talking to about this? Because I think you need to. It can be easier to say things to semi-strangers on the internet, but if you really are thinking about harming yourself you owe it to your friends and family to give them a chance to help you first.
There are people here who would help you if we could, and will if there's something we can do from miles and miles away, but you need someone that's right in the same town with you. Please talk to someone. Right away.
Edit: or what ElJay said.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
This sounds overwhelming for you and must be very frightening. I think it would be so good if you had someone to be with there right now. Can we help you find somebody or talk to somebody for you?
You can keep talking to us here if you don't have someone right there to talk with. I don't know that we can say anything to make it better, but we can listen and let you know we hear what you are saying.
---
Edited to add: ElJay, thanks for tracking down the crisis hotline number. Estelmo, that is another place where people will listen, and hotlines like this are staffed by people who are particularly trained to be helpful. They are good at listening, too, and most lines like this are ready for calls at any time of the day or night.
posted
I don't know what to say. Except this -- I would be very disappointed and dismayed if you ended your own life.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Hmm. Eduardo, I've lived through a lot of broken thinking over the years. Fortunately for me, I'm a woman and I eventually realized those feelings generally had biological roots. I assume you're a man, so I don't know how stuff like that works for men. But the seasonal components can affect us alike. We aren't really designed to keep working at the same level year round.
There are non-permanent reasons that I feel the way I have -- and even if I don't change them -- knowing why they are happening, rather than thinking it is an indelible stain in my soul, helps me.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
You are 13, right, or has your 14th birthday already come? I remember being so surprised to read that you love Led Zeppelin's music. I'd love to hear the story of how you found them and what drew you to them.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Wait, Eduardo, you're in your teens? From your general tone I'd just assumed that you were in your late 20s.
Count me among the many who value your presence here. You've made yourself part of this community, and we care about you. And if you're anything like me, you've come to know and care about the people here, too. In the past I've turned to the forums when I was going through massive and depressing changes in my personal life, and was overwhelmed by both how much people cared, and how good their advice was. The advice you're getting now, from Tatiana, from ElJay, from dkw, from CT--it's good. It's worth following. And there's no risk in doing so.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Noemon: your assumption is correct. Physically I am 26 years of age.
CT: the Estelmo - and as an extension Eduardo - character is indeed roughly 14 years old. As to how I got into Led Zeppelin; I was introduced to the music by a friend who was of the opinion that I needed to expand my horizons beyond the 3 or 4 bands that I idolised back then.
EIJay: I have not called any crisis hotline, and it's extremely doubtful that I will do so, since I do not label my situation as a crisis. I know we all grow old and die, I am not afraid of death. On the contrary, I am far more afraid of life.
Existing in a state of perpetual anxiety isn't a good way to spend your life, as I am sure most of you will agree. The fear is fed by shame and guilt, which are always at the background, ready to spring forth at a moments notice.
I realise that in my previous post I did nothing to dispell the fears that I might end my own life. Be assured this is not my intention. Basically I don't have the drive to do anything of the kind. But I do have to kill this Estelmo character that has poisoned my life for so long. If I do not, then at some point in the future it will become totally impossible to get rid of him.
So, from this moment on I will no longer use that name, except to post in this thread, if some of you are still unclear on what the heck I'm talking about. My intention is to return to Hatrack some time in the future - once I have dealt with this issue - in a different guise.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
I'm glad you aren't contemplating a physical end, Eduardo. I hope you come back when you're ready, different guise or no!
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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quote:So, from this moment on I will no longer use that name, except to post in this thread, if some of you are still unclear on what the heck I'm talking about. My intention is to return to Hatrack some time in the future - once I have dealt with this issue - in a different guise.
Actually, this sounds okay. I'm very glad to hear that you are not contemplating ending your meatspace life as well as you Hatrack one.
I did that once - dropped katharina completely and posted as someone else for about six months. I didn't tell anyone before I did it, and I didn't do it in order to get attention or fool anyone - I just couldn't stand being katharina there for a bit.
The anxiety talk is worrying - I think it would be a good idea to get some help, still. I'm a huge fan of asking for help. It means you are part of the (human) community, and getting help means you'll be in the shape you need to be to give help later.
[ November 02, 2007, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Javert Hugo ]
Posts: 1753 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
Well, I'm really glad to hear that you're not talking about killing yourself. I have to admit that I don't quite know what to make of the rest of your post, though. I haven't been around as much lately as I have in the past, so it's quite possible that I've missed quite a bit.
It still sounds to me, though, that you would really benefit from speaking to a skilled therapist about the stuff that's going on with you. I hope that you'll do so.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
kat, I think you've missing a "not" in there.
--
Eduardo, I'm glad that you are not planning on hurting yourself, as that really is what it sounded like to me. I do still think you should consider therapy. Whatever way you choose, I wish you peace, and hope to see you back here when you're comfortable with it.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
That does ease my mind. If you have a "character" whose persona you don't want to use anymore, I don't think anyone would object to you not using it. That is far different than stopping the breath and heartbeat of a 3-dimensional real-world person.
Anxiety is highly, highly treatable condition. It does make life quite difficult in ways I don't think someone without it could fully understand. I hope you have a professional to talk with to seek out ways of dealing with it that don't leave you in fear and dread. Believe me, they are available. If you don't have someone like this to go to, the crisis line could help you identify it (and this is an appropriate use of crisis services).
I am certain beyond any doubt that you are welcome to come back to Hatrack and post under a different name. Sometimes a fresh start is really great.
At this point I'm going to back out and just send you my best hopes that things get better. I'm terribly confused about what the best responses would be to help you any further, especially given that the information available here about you is subject to such highly variable interpretability. That's okay -- it doesn't mean you are a bad person or unwelcome, it just means that figuring out what to do or say and still avoid making it worse may go beyond the scope of many people here, including me.
I very much want you to know that it would be inaccurate to interpret silence on this thread or a lack of further responses -- from any one of us -- as necessarily anything more than some confusion and desire not to make things worse. You are presenting a confusing picture, but the pain does come through in what you write -- this tells me that probably the best person to be involved is someone especially trained to deal with such confusing and delicate situations.
I'll keep reading the thread, but I probably won't directly respond to anything you write as your "Eduardo St. Elmo" character, other than to note again that website for resources if it seems to have gotten lost on the page. Again, that pulling back is not from shock or anger, but from wanting very much to not exacerbate the situation.
Take care of yourself.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I still don't know what to say. Except this -- I'm relieved to know that you are not intending to end your own life.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Thanks for posting here to clarify a bit. Always know that you are welcome back as Eduardo St. Elmo if you choose to so post, or under whatever new name you wish to use to give yourself a fresh start. I'm not sure how your online persona is poisoning your life, but you of course know what you mean. Like CT said, it's a little confusing.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Day to day existence really is harder for some people than it is for others. And I wish you'd listen to those of us who say that therapy really can help with the despair and negative feelings. The people who are saying that are not just using it as a throwaway line because they don't know what else to say. Many of us have been there, done that, and found it helpful. Seriously. As in, we have new understanding and skills to help counter all the negative stuff.
Wishing you all the best, Eduardo.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Eduardo, would you tell us more about your condition (either privately or here on the thread)? What is it? Have you been to doctors yet to try and treat it? Is it really an inevitable decline or do you just need help to get through the maze of insurance and doctors and get real treatment? People here can help. We have a lot of age and experience and contacts and, yes, real world power, scattered between us. Please call on us for help. There's no way for you to access our help unless you ask. Will you?
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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It's such a shame Papa Janitor has to deal with this when his young son just got home from major surgery on both legs. He has better things to do with his time. Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
It shouldn't take too much of his time...Just delete that entire post...Honestly that is one of the most disgusting posts I've ever seen.
Posts: 930 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
That goes beyond your typical Spam. I'd go so far as to say that is spoiled spam. It's crazy how ridiculous this type of thing is getting.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Simptumz
unregistered
posted
<Removed post. --PJ>
[ November 04, 2007, 12:30 AM: Message edited by: Papa Janitor ]
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posted
Thank you for taking the time to reassure us. And good luck to you- whenever, and in whatever guise, you might return.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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