posted
Long story short my father appears to have a network program that either shows what I am doing or show my screens without asking for my permission, either he installed something on my computer when I was away. I'm assuming for now that its merely a program being used over the network, so I need to find ways of making sure he can't use it to look at my computer again.
So far I've changed my workgroup, turned off network discovery. Any other suggestions?
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posted
Think this is what interferes with your browsing? (Seems not unlikely.)
His house, his internet connection...right?
If you paid for your own computer then it's not right for him to install programs on it without your permission, but monitoring the network activity seems like it's within his rights. I can certainly understand and sympathize with you if you're finding this cause for embarrassment, though.
You could always stop doing whatever it is you don't want your Dad to see, and move out again ASAP.
Posts: 4287 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Blayne Bradley
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posted
It didnt go very well. Hes refusing to drive me to my College if I keep asking about it.
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I never understood these type of programs. What kind of relationship can you have with a father doing that to you.
Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Well, it is a good thing we're not talking about your 500$ a month pot habit in a place where he can see it.
Posts: 7593 | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Speed: Kirk Cameron knows how you can keep your dad from spying.
That has waaaaaaaaay too much similarity to the Chareidi/Jewish Ultra-Orthodox way of viewing the world. Are there Christian groups that do not allow members to own or have access to computers/the internet and TV?
Posts: 399 | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I'm surprised you don't have at least a password prompt before being able to log onto your computer.
Little late now, but if you get your computer unenmeshed, that might be a good idea.
If he's paying for the internet service though, I don't think you really have a decent argument against him, though if he tampered with a computer you bought, that's out of bounds (under some circumstances).
I agree with others; time to move out again.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
I know this has been told to you before on many different threads. Live under his roof, live by his rules. And that includes a limited or nonexistent expectation of privacy. If you don't like it, get out.
And yes, I did abide by that law when I was living with my parents as well, including when the kids and I moved back home because I couldn't afford to live on our own. Curfew, check-in phone calls, required to run errands for parents, etc. If I were to move back in tomorrow - which is a very real possibility with this economy and my being unemployed - I would still have that same expectation. Even at double your age.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Speed: Kirk Cameron knows how you can keep your dad from spying.
That has waaaaaaaaay too much similarity to the Chareidi/Jewish Ultra-Orthodox way of viewing the world. Are there Christian groups that do not allow members to own or have access to computers/the internet and TV?
I actually am noheg hilchos yichud with the internet. I have a buddy who gets a weekly report on my internet activity. He can't read chats and emails but he can see where I've been. Covenanteyes.com
Posts: 1604 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
If your father has some software installed on your computer, it is not that hard to stop or uninstall it. I'm not going to tell you how, but anyone with even a basic knowledge of computers should be able to do it.
However, if the software is on your home network, rather than your personal computer, there is not much you can do about it, other than not use that network.
If you have your own phone line, you can get your own Internet account that doesn't use the home network. In many cases, there are ways to use your cell phone connected to your computer to access the internet.
But, if it is his house, his network, his phone line, his internet account, and he is paying the bills, including college, then he does have some right to know what is happening.
You may no like it, but you are deluded if you think the world exists for the sole purpose of pleasing you. We all deal with things we don't like out here in this thing we refer to as 'Real Life'.
posted
Personally, I don't think it's acceptable of him to be spying on your personal life in that way, if indeed he is, even though it is his pipes and all. Unless of course there have been some major related breaches of trust in the past.
But the proper response to this sort of violation is to move the hell out. Even if he doesn't have the moral right (a subjective matter) he certainly has the capability and willingness to use it. Again, excepting some major trust issues (which would put you on a sort of parole situation), you simply shouldn't be willing to tolerate it, and act accordingly.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Rakeesh: Personally, I don't think it's acceptable of him to be spying on your personal life in that way, if indeed he is, even though it is his pipes and all. Unless of course there have been some major related breaches of trust in the past.
I have a rather strong suspicion that Blayne's dad has legitimate concerns about his son's internet and computer addiction. With Blayne, you never really see the full picture. His parents sound like they suck, but on the other hand, how much confidence has he inspired in his decision making abilities here?
And you have to remember, Blayne is now back with his parents after having been unable to sustain himself in his other living situation. I don't know Blayne's parents, but I think any parent would be right to be concerned about his activities, especially considering his age and maturity level.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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Blayne Bradley
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posted
Not quite sustain, I moved out because there was an unacceptable risk of my stuff getting stolen, I actually had the full ability to continue paying my rent I just could not find a decent place at the time.
As for trust issues does sneaking food during a diet count as breaking trust? Thats essentially the crux of the matter I've actually been getting decent grades this semester so he doesnt have the "Your doing terrible in school" argument. The way they act its like I was caught peddling drugs, to preschool to children, on a sunday, to catholics, for inflating prices.
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Blayne, someday, I hope you will know why your father acts the way he does.
In the mean time, to help you get that perspective (too me a few years of living away from my mom to get it) I advise what everyone else has: move out.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
If Blayne is using his dad's network, then it is reasonable for him to expect to keep an eye on how Blayne is using it - particularly if there is some concern about excessive internet use. My impression is that this sort of "spying" is not completely unusual among parents and employers. Having said that, he definitely should have told Blayne beforehand rather than do it secretly, and it sounds like the method Blayne is describing is overly intrusive and goes needlessly beyond "keeping an eye on".
I'd think the solution is... use the computer less, and only for things you are okay with your dad being aware of. I'd also complain, which it sounds like you did, and suggest a less intrusive way of his keeping tabs on you - depending on what sort of reasons he's given for needing to do it.
Posts: 8120 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
Blayne: I agree with those saying to move out. This time why not actually do some research beforehand? Look up student housing and private apartments, it can actually be fun finding a fantastic location with a reasonable price. Perhaps you would prefer your own studio apartment, if you can't summon some friends to go in on a shared apartment with.
I love my parents to death, but even I have to admit that were I living with them there would be things like chores, less privacy, less freedom, that I would have to accept. It sounds like you do not wish to put up with your father looking in on what you do. If you can't handle it, then you need to get back out on your own. I know it's frustrating that your last foray out into the real world ended with alot of your stuff getting taken. Not every neighborhood is going to be like that though.
Do some research, find a complex near your school that looks like a good package and find rooms with contract vacancies. When you've got a few written down why not visit the apartment and get to know your potential roommates. You might find one where the guys are nice but never home, or you might luck out and find a group of 4 guys who play D&D together and they need one more. You never know what sorts of awesome people you might meet in college.
I was fairly certain when you said you were moving back in with your parents that you'd be unhappy, I don't think that's going to change, I'd bet that you'd be much happier finding your own place, finding a solid part time job so you have some money of your own, and paying your own bills. I know it helped me a whole lot.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Blayne Bradley
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posted
I know as per my Concordia thread im looking into student housing this weekend. I need to live eitherf Layola campus or the downtown one.
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quote:Originally posted by Armoth: I actually am noheg hilchos yichud with the internet. I have a buddy who gets a weekly report on my internet activity. He can't read chats and emails but he can see where I've been. Covenanteyes.com
Are you implying that you want me to email you some pornography? Posts: 2804 | Registered: May 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: Not quite sustain, I moved out because there was an unacceptable risk of my stuff getting stolen, I actually had the full ability to continue paying my rent I just could not find a decent place at the time.
Tomato, Tomahto. You couldn't handle living on your own.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I think he could, but that it didn't work out last time. At least he was smart enough to get out of a bad situation rather than sticking with it because of pride.
I know that if I had been able to accept the help my parents had offered me when I got out of the Army, I'd already have my nursing degree and would probably be working on my Masters in Nursing by now. Sometimes taking a sept back IS the right thing to do, even though it woulds your pride.
I don't regret my choices, even though they made my road a lot tougher.....I needed to do it that way to become the person I am today. However, I also needed to be able to learn to ask for help, because there are a lot of things in this world, some of which are very important, that you cannot do all alone.
It can be a delicate balance.......asking for help but not demanding it. My parents offered to help me when I lost my job so I could go back to school, and I accepted....but when I qualified for financial aid I offered to pay them back right away too.
As hard as it was to accept their help, I think I'd have been a lot more of a failure if I had NOT accepted it and then not been able to register for classes.
Blayne, not every roommate is an idiot like your last one. But YOU have to lock your gear up, and make sure YOU take responsibility for things going missing if you don't. If you expect a different result this time around, do things differently yourself.
The rest will follow.
Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Armoth: I actually am noheg hilchos yichud with the internet. I have a buddy who gets a weekly report on my internet activity. He can't read chats and emails but he can see where I've been. Covenanteyes.com
Are you implying that you want me to email you some pornography?
quote:Tomato, Tomahto. You couldn't handle living on your own.
It seems pretty strange, bordering on ridiculous, to assert that someone can't 'handle living on their own' because they get away from a situation where their stuff is getting stolen.
Granted, I don't know how much of what Blayne is saying is accurate, but as described I can't fault him for it.
Having a half-dozen threads up on the top of the front page, though...
Anyway, Orincoro, do you post anything other than personal insults towards other posters, or is it just a coincidence of the threads I'm participating in?
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Wow, zing! Unfortunately, you're just as wrong after that very clever zing as you were before it.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I was just trying to be funny- and besides, I'm right in this situation anyway. Blayne couldn't handle living on his own, in that living on your own means choosing reliable people to live with, a livable neighborhood, etc. Living on your own also means getting out of bad situations when you find yourself in them, but running back to the parents' house indicates a certain lack of planning, foresight, and flexibility. It's sometimes the best choice for sure, but to stop living on your own for lack of choice indicates to me that you are not handling living on your own. Could still be a good decision to move home, but clearly Blayne didn't really have it together in the first place, or perhaps this wouldn't have happened. Given the particulars of Blayne's situation, I think this is (from the perspective of his parents certainly) mostly his fault. From his perspective, he's a victim, and I sympathize with him for that, because I've been in bad situations too, but I also know that I was responsible for putting myself in them, and I learned from them, and became better able to fend for myself. You don't do him any favors by pretending he's not who he is. He's not really mature enough to handle living on his own- he'll get there, but let's not ignore the obvious.
Feel free to disagree with me on this, I'm just looking at the total Blayne picture I've gotten over the last few years: posts about abusive parents and friends, the need to have his own computer, the posts about paying for the computer, the military, the jobs, school, the accidental damage caused to the computer, moving into a new place, being robbed in strange circumstances, continuing to live in the same place, and being robbed again, and being shocked by it, the latest computer troubles, moving back with the parents, the posts about intrusive parents... it has had a kind of a circular quality to it over time. Blayne wants something, he obsesses about it, he demands the perfect execution of his vision, he refuses to compromise despite advice that his plans are too ambitious, or crazy, he works out rationalizations of every detail of a situation so that it will look like he should get what he wants, he screws something up, he tries to shift the blame, he accepts it, and then he moves on to the next plan. He's actually not much different from any of us, except for his incredible willingness to share the process with others.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Blayne couldn't handle living on his own, in that living on your own means choosing reliable people to live with, a livable neighborhood, etc. Living on your own also means getting out of bad situations when you find yourself in them, but running back to the parents' house indicates a certain lack of planning, foresight, and flexibility.
Well, look, if a person can be judged by their posting style and by the content of their posts on an Internet discussion board, I tend to think you're probably more right about Blayne than wrong in this discussion. But I don't think it's very productive to judge people on that basis on anything other than their opinions.
Anyway, I'll take this one at a time:
1. Living on your own means choosing reliable people to live with.
Well, sometimes folks aren't nearly as reliable later as they appeared at first, even to thoroughly prepared, intelligent, and mature people. Sometimes people are really good liars, for example.
2. A livable neighborhood.
Not everyone, unfortunately, has the means to choose a gated well-policed community.
3. 'running back to the parents' house'
How many moves is a person supposed to be prepared and capable of making if the first one goes sour, exactly?
quote:From his perspective, he's a victim, and I sympathize with him for that...
You do? Coulda fooled me, and I suspect others.
quote:...but I also know that I was responsible for putting myself in them, and I learned from them, and became better able to fend for myself. You don't do him any favors by pretending he's not who he is. He's not really mature enough to handle living on his own- he'll get there, but let's not ignore the obvious.
First off, 'do him any favors'? Let's be real here: few things random strangers online say are going to have any significant impact, for better or worse, with most people. And it's just my personal opinion, but it seems to me few people have made much of an impact on Blayne anyway-so your suggestion that you're harsh to do some good rings a little false to me.
Second, I don't know how Blayne feels with regards to how things ended up in his first move. And to be honest, I'm not really interested in knowing either. But my question for you is: do you know? Maybe he does recognize mistakes he made in his first situation. I dunno. Have you asked?
Long story short, your tone in this thread - speaking strictly for myself - doesn't really resonate with firm-but-helpful altruistic impulse. Others are free to agree or disagree as they like, but that tone more than anything is what I was taking the most issue with.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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quote: Long story short, your tone in this thread - speaking strictly for myself - doesn't really resonate with firm-but-helpful altruistic impulse. Others are free to agree or disagree as they like, but that tone more than anything is what I was taking the most issue with.
First, yes I really do sympathize. I've been there, though I've probably made better choices and had more supportive parents than Blayne does. I think, though he doesn't often admit it, that he does recognize his mistakes, and his constant self-justify and hair splitting in countless similar situations shows that he's working hard to avoid the blame he knows is his. Just my opinion from the cheap seats.
Second, never did I suggest that I believed I was helping Blayne. I just said you're not doing him any favors. I am fully aware he rarely if ever takes to heart, or learns from what people here have to say in any given situation. And yet, though maybe for the sake of pride he doesn't do what we think he should today, the next time he might do it differently. I have no faith in that idea, but I consider it a possibility.
I could give a crap what you think about my tone. You're not on the top of my list of people to impress. But I do get a little annoyed at having words put in my mouth- I have never believed that anything I could say would make Blayne change his mind about anything. If you want to carp about the uselessness of interacting with anyone online about anything, then I'm a little surprised you would bother trying to correct my behavior, since you are clearly unable to change it.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote: Second, never did I suggest that I believed I was helping Blayne. I just said you're not doing him any favors.
*shrug* Guess it's just my own interpretation of the phrase 'not doing any favors'. To me it implies a criticism, not just a statement of things as they are.
quote:I could give a crap what you think about my tone. You're not on the top of my list of people to impress.
Burn!
I never imagined I was, or even that I should be. I was responding to a (mistaken) belief that you were being harsh out of a helpful impulse, as I described above.
But it seems you're just being critical, unhelpful, and insulting because it's Blayne. Well, that's of course up to you, and goodness knows I've been that way towards him as well in the past. Though I hope I at least attempted to offer helpful advice as opposed to well-merited criticism and scorn, which in this thread at least boils down to, "Look folks, this is Blayne we're talking about here."
ETA:
quote:But I do get a little annoyed at having words put in my mouth- I have never believed that anything I could say would make Blayne change his mind about anything.
I addressed this above. I wasn't putting words in your mouth, I was addressing a mistaken belief based on my interpretation of a phrase 'doing him favors'.
quote:If you want to carp about the uselessness of interacting with anyone online about anything, then I'm a little surprised you would bother trying to correct my behavior, since you are clearly unable to change it.
I wasn't 'carping about the uselessness' of anything. Though I do wonder, if you're so certain what you say won't be helpful...why did you post at all?
Anyway, do you have a response to any of the other points I made, or would you rather just reiterate independent you are?
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Maybe your dad just doesn't where to find good porn and is counting on your help.
No, but seriously, is he really such a prude that he cares what you're doing online? Is he a politician? Do you have a history or something? If you're old enough to be in college, then he needs to treat you like a man. I don't care if it's his house and internet or not; this is about respect, not privacy.
If it were me, I would put something up on that screen to REALLY get his attention, and I would do it constantly, and I would make sure he knows that I'm doing it just because he's watching. I'm actually not altogether sure what my retribution would be, but it would be caustic and immediate.
Posts: 636 | Registered: Apr 2002
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quote: But it seems you're just being critical, unhelpful, and insulting because it's Blayne.
I'm sorry, is there no dimmer switch on intent here? I clearly said I thought it was possible that something I said might change Blayne's thinking in the future. I said that it was not an idea I have faith in, but a possibility. That's what I said. I gave you exactly the reasoning I use when posting anything to Blayne. I spelled it out very, very clearly.
(Edited The last two sentences. I'll email them to you if you like- you can be assured they were not friendly )
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Originally posted by sylvrdragon: If it were me, I would put something up on that screen to REALLY get his attention, and I would do it constantly, and I would make sure he knows that I'm doing it just because he's watching. I'm actually not altogether sure what my retribution would be, but it would be caustic and immediate.
So your plan would be to find a passive-aggressive way of agitating the man who owns the house Blayne's living in. So you're one of these people who leave snippy notes in the office kitchen addressed to: "whoever has been using my mustard...?" What's it like to be that way? More importantly, does it actually yield good results?
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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I really despise the practice of leaving snippy notes. It's probably one of the easiest/most cowardly things you can do in your normal day-to-day life, and of course, it never accomplishes the goal it supposedly intends without sacrificing mutual respect. But then, I've often thought that the real purpose of a passive aggressive note was to make sure that the conflict doesn't ever go away.
(I realize the irony of that statement, btw. I think posting here is slightly different though.)
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
You know, it;s not like I am Blayne's biggest fan, but even I thought your comments weren't exactaly fair, Ori.
Blayne is young, and part of that is making mistakes. If he learns from them they were worth it.....even if 100 strangers on the internet told him how wrong he was BEFORE he did these things.
I thin that rather than being a mistake, his moving back into his parents house was the right thing to do DESPITE the fact that some people would call it quitting or taking the easy way out. It allowed him to save some cash and try again, hopefully learning from his mistakes.
If he doesn't it's all good to me as well.....he isn't MY kid, or someone I have to deal with except by chioce. But while he doesn't come across well often, I think that he DID learn some things this time around, and that it will be better the next time though for him. I made different mistakes than he did, but I needed to make them mself to learn anything. Maybe YOU did,'t make these same mistakes, but as you said you had to learn for experience as well.
We ALL do, one way or another.
I'm STILL not signing up for EvE though. Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Orincoro: So your plan would be to find a passive-aggressive way of agitating the man who owns the house Blayne's living in. So you're one of these people who leave snippy notes in the office kitchen addressed to: "whoever has been using my mustard...?" What's it like to be that way? More importantly, does it actually yield good results?
Oh, I don't resort to the passive-aggressive attacks until talking it out has already failed, which in this case, it has. When someone is unwilling to disclose their reasoning behind an action against me, it tells me that they don't think I'm capable of comprehending their motives, or that they know their motives are unreasonable.
If the former, then my typical course of action is to force a dialog by any means necessary, even if it starts as a confrontation. This at least might give me an opening to put my point of view into context. If the latter, then once again, dialog is necessary to prevent future incidents.
In any case, someone attempting to micro manage my life without explaining themselves because they think they know better is not acceptable. Not after 18 at least. If said person is unwilling to discuss the matter, then you have to do something. Running away from the problem by moving out and basically writing off your parents is not a good option IMO. I would prefer to make my point to them any way I have to so that, in the long run, I could maintain some sort of non-resentful relationship with them.
Does that explain it well enough?
Posts: 636 | Registered: Apr 2002
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quote: I clearly said I thought it was possible that something I said might change Blayne's thinking in the future.
Saying that you have no faith in something and then saying, "But it's possible," doesn't lend much credence to the suggestion that you're angling for the possibility rather than the near-certainty. I think you were pretty clear...but not the way you describe after the post, that's all. I just read it differently. And I don't think that's entirely the fault of my communication skills, either. Though you probably will disagree.
quote:(Edited The last two sentences. I'll email them to you if you like- you can be assured they were not friendly [Wink] )
Why not just say `em? It wouldn't exactly be out of left field, would it?
*wink!*
-------
quote:You know, it;s not like I am Blayne's biggest fan, but even I thought your comments weren't exactaly fair, Ori.
I should make clear that the same can be said of me. Hell, I'm sure Blayne would tell you himself that I'm not his biggest fan either.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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