posted
This is sort of a case study of my life that asks for input and advice and it's also oddly enough of a sort of landmark. Any and all thoughts appreciated.
John looked at the Harvard Business Review he’d atop a thick copy of Vogue. One, the HBR, he’d brought and the other found, yet both had satisfied a part of him. It was relaxing and brought out an emotional something in him looking through the gorgeous women, holding back his sexual thoughts to appreciate the sheer artistic beauty.
HBR, on the other hand, presented him with a case study about a CEO who couldn’t trust his subordinates enough. Whatever the subject, the HBR case studies soothed and intrigued John.
He checked his watch; an hour until a meeting with a tutor to make up missed classes. He felt a sinking feeling, not sure if he’d be able to do it, which he squelched. Of course he could do it. But either way, harder, more long term decisions needed to be made.
John’s semester had been exceptionally rocky. One close friend had left him after he started hanging out with Mark, whom she disliked. To make things worse, John had rushed a joint fraternity/sorority with Mark, only to be rejected and Mark accepted. Finally, as the crowning point, Mark snapped at John one night and they hadn’t spoken since.
Mark had serious problems of his own so John knew he shouldn’t read too much into the relationship failure. The friend’s complaints, however, struck a deeper chord. While John had been very supportive, listening for hours to his friends problems, Mark felt that John didn’t care enough.
John was, after all, in the midst of a serious depression, one that he didn’t realize and that had been present in some form for years. But things intensified due to the pressures of the semester. Slowly, his already slim appetite disappeared and so did 10 pounds. He started sleeping excessively, missing half of his classes. Because he was brilliant he felt that he could always make it up later.
He had sunk into a routine that kept him busy and content. John would sleep, read, play chess online, and only occasionally do school work. And despite his apathy he did still manage to pull off A’s. On a recent trip to England for a family wedding, he was able to evince some happiness but remained generally at a 5 on a mood scale out of 10 (1 is terrible 10 is great).
While he would later realize how serious his depression was, at that point he felt little and was happy to have it be that way. It was certainly better than what would come.
Seeing a new shrink, he was prescribed an antidepressant. The new shrink was different from his old, psychoanalytic one. For one thing, she was ready and willing to call things by their name. On talking of his past, a year of which was spent as a woman, the shrink brought up Gender Identity Disorder. On talking of not caring about anything, she pulled out Depression. It was a welcome change for the most part.
The antidepressant caused a lot of anxiety at first in John, but fortunately he was heading home for a week vacation. On the train ride home a couple mistook him for a woman which only intensified the anxiety and internal uncertainty. Back home, he was restless. He saw a new shrink for medication management who said plainly that she thought his repressing his Gender issues was causing chronic depression. Generally frustrated, and feeling somewhat overstimulated by the AD, he left to went on a road trip by himself, writing poetry in a sort of frenzy.
He managed to force himself back to campus a week after his vacation was over. On the one hand, the AD seemed to be working in that he was feeling OK and his social interactions tended to work out better. He felt as though his social life was beginning to bloom. His appetite was back and so was normal sleeping. Since the AD had recently been upped, he hoped for continued improvement.
But he still had no really close friends. And he still felt moments of exceptional pain and dread. The gender problem remained heavily on his mind; hoping for more coverage, he started calling his old shrink who returned to his vague analytic ways. His sessions with his new shrink, on the other hand, were very positive.
John looked down at the HBR. Despite the recent turmoil, he was still an A student with a solid resume and a life that was in general good. The pain and agony that came was not persistent and passing. The Vogue on the other hand lay underneath it, asking a powerful question. The summer was coming; he needed a job. Just as importantly, he felt like he had to make a decision about his gender.
What should John do?
Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2009
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posted
It sounds to me that John is very effeminate in looks and behavior. He lived as a woman for a year, but it must not have worked out.
The vogue brought out a beauty he sees in himself as a (at times) self identified woman, and yet he was/is attracted to the woman as well. The vogue now lies as a reminder of who he identifies himself as and as a reminder of possible bi-sexual feelings that are muddling the gender identity confusion.
It sounds like John needs a friend who understands all aspects of what he is going through who can listen with a non-judgmental and understanding ears. I hope members of Hatrack who have had gender identity issues contact John.
Are you thinking of sex reassignment surgery, living as a woman again, taking hormones and being TS, or focusing on adapting your current lifestyle/identity/body to work with your feelings through drugs, therapy, or friends?
Posts: 2445 | Registered: Oct 2004
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I don't have any experience with people dealing with gender issues. I can't say that I have formed an opinion on it with any sort of research or exposure to a gender confused person.
But what I CAN tell you is the following:
My definition of happiness relates to goals and values. If a person has goals and values and is moving towards them, then he is happy. Tragedy can befall them, and they will be sad - not depressed. Satisfaction and happiness comes from effort put forth in attainment of goals and living according to values. For me, It's religion, family, friends, helping others, etc. For others it can be all but the first, it can be money, pleasure, social belonging, power, whatever floats your particular boat.
Basically, my formula is Identity - ways and means to a goal - Goal.
Sounds like you have the ways and means part down. You seem smart, talented, creative, and you have the resume to back it all up. But you skipped step one - Identity.
Again, I can't go into specifics because I don't understand gender confusion at all. But I'd say, you need to make a decision on your gender based on your internal identity, or you need to be comfortable with yourself in one way or another. Through the process of discovering your identity, your goal should be obvious to you. From my perspective, if you put a man into the world with bulging muscles, a hammer, an anvil, and a passionate desire to bang metal, he understands that he is a blacksmith. On a more complicated scale - the struggle to find your identity should also yield your goals.
And then you win! Identity, means, and goals! Enjoy your life.
Posts: 1604 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Hey John. I'd e-mail you, but it looks like you have that disabled in your profile.
It sounds like you're in college. Can I give you a little case study in return?
Jay (not his real name) had the same kind of feelings that you're describing for as long as he could remember. When he got to college, he thought over and over about going to the university's shrink service, but he could never get up the courage to do so. It was either fear of naming the issue or fear that somehow, despite all promises of confidentiality, his secret would get out.
Jay felt utterly helpless when it came to these feelings. He felt like there must be something wrong with him. Why else would an otherwise normal guy think he should be female? That's crazy talk, right? Jay didn't feel very good about being crazy in this way, but he didn't see any other way to characterize it. And there was no one he could talk to about it. No one. Not a friend, not a family member.
When Jay fell in love with Hannah, he figured that the weird feelings were over. After going out with her for four years, they got married.
But it didn't work out the way he'd figured. Before getting married, he could always be alone with his thoughts and at least try and work things out. Now he was part of a married couple, and there was no real "alone time". And having to "play boy", as he thought of it, 24/7 got to be overwhelming. When he broke down and told his wife how he felt, she was very supportive. He started trying to figure out what to do. But it was the late 80s, and it was in a country where such things were virtually unknown, and he was terrified of losing Hannah since, despite her supportive attitude, she wanted to be married to a man.
Over the next 8 years, he found ways to stave off the depression. Anti-depressants weren't as ubiquitous back then, so it didn't even occur to him to try that. But he managed for 8 years. He found joy in his family, but the joy and the misery never cancelled each other out. They coexisted in some sort of uneasy truce.
When he finally reached the end of his ability to repress his feelings by sheer power of will, his decision to transition to living full time as a woman left a lot more damage in its wake than it would have had he had the courage to do something about it a dozen years earlier.
The next dozen years aren't all that important, but in the end, she's happy. She's not Jay any more, and she isn't miserable, either. It wasn't all hugs and puppies along the way, but the only real regret she has is that she waited so long to do what she needed to.
No one knows why some people are born that way. Knowing on a deep level that they are not the gender they appear to be on the surface. It sometimes seems like some sort of horrible joke. But it is what it is. And it doesn't have to drive people into bouts of depression.
Anyway, if you'd like to talk, feel free to e-mail me.
Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
John, I hope you are able to make a decision about your gender that you will be at peace with.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Thanks for the thoughts and support. Just trying to get through each day is hard, but I'm trying to find support here at college through campus groups.
I am thinking about transitioning again, yeah. For those who want to contact me by email, lastknight300@gmail.com works
Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2009
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quote:Originally posted by Lisa: He found joy in his family, but the joy and the misery never cancelled each other out. They coexisted in some sort of uneasy truce.
Lisa. This line meant worlds to me. Thank you.
Posts: 1604 | Registered: Mar 2003
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