posted
I think it's a good list. A lot of it's common sense, but still. Unfortunately I am the more introverted type, and when I have friends, it's usually because they made the initial effort to befriend me, rather than the other way around. I have a hard time getting past the awkward feeling of just walking up and talking to someone. I think I'm getting better at it. The thing about remembering and using people's names really hits me though, because I have a big problem with that. It's not that I don't care about people, I'm just really bad with names and it stinks because I know it makes me feel good when somebody remembers my name and addresses me by it. I have far too many conversations with people who I do know, but not by name, waiting and hoping somehow they themselves or somebody else will reveal the name.
Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2009
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posted
Okay, number 38 (join FaceBook) is a cop out. I just ask wether or not someone is a friend worth having when you have swallow your pride and placate thier ego just so they'll like you. This sounds more like tips on how to date easily misled girls.
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But yeah, good list. There are several ways you could make it more general and easier to digest. For example, instead of "remember birthdays", "help someone when they're sick", etc, you could just say "Think of the things that friends have done for you that have made YOU happy, and then do those things yorself for other friends." And then give examples.
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posted
One of the best such lists I have seen. I like the way it is divided into sections and includes commentary.
Posts: 50 | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
Good list! It's surprising that making friends and being a sociable person is not something most people are just born with. It's a skill you have to learn by practicing and trying to get better at it. But it's a great skill to have.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
daventor: What I try to do to remember names is mnemonics or associations. When someone tells me their name, I try to look at them and associate something with their name.
Tatiana: I think the problem is our society doesn't teach social skills anymore. We're too busy pursuing our own independent dreams and such that we just assume our kids will learn by themselves. Then they get out of High School and realize their experience may not be how the real world works.
Thanks guys!
The reason I wrote this list is because I have a really short attention span and tolerance limit, so making friends has been hard for me. I've started to realize that I need to have a lot of variety and what not in a friendship, and have started to try to make that happen (like suggesting going for a walk et cetra).
Another problem is that I'm a little oblivious to those people who actually are trying to friend me; so I'll be in my room, feeling like crap, when a perfectly nice guy had just invited me to go on a bike ride with him.
Actually sitting down and thinking about what I could do hopefully will help me.
If the post was helpful, please stumble or link to it or something ^_^.
Posts: 3060 | Registered: Nov 2003
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quote:I think the problem is our society doesn't teach social skills anymore. We're too busy pursuing our own independent dreams and such that we just assume our kids will learn by themselves. Then they get out of High School and realize their experience may not be how the real world works.
When were social skills taught?
Posts: 399 | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Well, obviously I put the list there to promote my website.
But the reason I had a list to begin with is because I've been having some difficulty with my friendships and I wanted to learn what I could do better.
Posts: 3060 | Registered: Nov 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Tatiana: Good list! It's surprising that making friends and being a sociable person is not something most people are just born with. It's a skill you have to learn by practicing and trying to get better at it. But it's a great skill to have.
Huh. I think it is something you're born with. Now, adapting your innate skills to certain new situations is perhaps something that needs practice, but show me a person who gets through their life without making *any* friends, simply for lack of practice, and I'll agree with you.
Besides, how will you know the difference between "making friends" and influencing people in other ways? I know people who are bad at being friends, and very good at manipulating people, and these people don't seem to see the difference- and I would contend that all 50 of those methods are useful in manipulation just as they are useful in genuine friend making. Isn't making friends the natural thing, and "cultivating friends" for purposes perhaps beyond simple companionship sort of more than that? The list makes no mention of *why* a person would need to do all of those things, as opposed to simply doing whatever comes naturally (which of course would include most of the list anyway). Why consciously access a set of procedures, is what I'm wondering.
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posted
Trying to listen, ask relevant questions, and be a better person has increased both the quantity and the quality of my friendships.
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posted
Well yeah, but at what point did we decide those were acquired skills rather than innate qualities of a good person who is capable of making friends?
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
When we realized that people who didn't have those skills at first could learn them later (though I have no idea when specifically that was). Even those who are naturally good at making friends go through a learning process when they're first introduced to kindergarden, they just do it faster.
About half the population is introverted, and many of those people take longer to start doing (or do more slowly) the sort of things that the social kids dive into as they hit elementary school. Those "weird loner" kids are perfectly good people, they just don't get as much practice dealing with social dynamics.
I was a weird loner kid. I remember the specific moment when I realized that interacting with people could be fun, and thus had a reason to learn how to do it. Over the following year I made a lot more friends. I also made a lot of mistakes, most of which I learned from. Today I'm still a weird loner kid but I'm a weird loner kid that is capable of pretending otherwise... for the most part.
Posts: 4136 | Registered: Aug 2008
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posted
I don't know- I was a very social kid who nevertheless suffered a great deal pretty unjustly. And I'm not putting the blame for that where it doesn't belong- I was treated like crap and kicked around for reasons that were pretty much above and beyond my ability to cope with at the ages of 6-12. I never felt it was that I was deficient in making friends, because I did have friends and could make friends with the people I wanted to be friends with- but what exactly can you teach yourself about or practice in preparation for the unfamiliar, uncanny cruelty of others? I'm more and more of the opinion that a lot of our earlier experiences in that regard are luck, natural temperament, and pretty much every factor you could name outside a person's actual control.
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posted
The reason I know it's a skill one can learn is that I had to learn it by rote, rather than having any natural ability at it.
I also loathe the idea of making friends for selfish reasons like being a social climber, thinking this person's friendship will make you cool somehow, wanting admirers, or worst of all, wanting someone to invite to a multi-level marketing party. (laughs) I thought it went without saying that the reason we like making friends is just the sheer joy of knowing the person, appreciating who they are, enjoying their company, etc. I totally agree that if you have ulterior motives and are trying to manipulate someone, it isn't a true friendship. In that case I would add to that the following admonition: cut it out.
I think it's true that there are many factors that are outside our control in making friends. The good news, though, is that there are a whole lot of factors that we DO control. Social awkwardness is quite widespread but it's mostly unnecessary. You learn social skills similar to the way you learn to ride a bicycle, by practicing. This means you have to be willing to go beyond your current comfort level to interact with people.
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