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Tom and I have been talking about this for a couple of years now, and although we'd been planning to get him back to school first, my maternal clock is really starting to tick. Especially with all the new blessings here on Hatrack!
Sadly, as I was telling Slash, I don't think that anyone is ever "ready" to have children. Every time I've even chanced to think about the prospect and how much I'd like children, that practical side of my brain comes up with all these worries about future plans.
However, most of the questions I'd like YOU to answer (especially those new moms) is what you decided to do for the first year after your child's birth. I.E. Did the mom quit her job, work part time, just take the 6 weeks off? Did dad take some time off? How soon before/if baby went into daycare? What would you do differently?
I ask these questions because I was reading the Federal Leave Act which allows either parent to take time off after the birth of a child which must be initiated so many weeks (perhaps six?) after the birth. I thought it might be wonderful for Tom to be able to take some time off and for the two of us to work part time for as long as we could use our vacation/sick/non-paid allowed time and ideally I'd like to take the first year home.
More later...work calls...imagine that? *grin*
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Christy, I agree with you. I don't think anyone is ever "ready" to have children. If you want to do it, you just take the plunge and do it. It's hard at times, but also very rewarding. Sometimes you wonder what you are doing wrong to have gotten such monsters for kids. Then they grow up, and, in my case, anyway, you figure you must have been doing something right to have them grow up so intelligent, independent, thoughtful, and articulate (not to brag or anything ).
In my case, I quit my job when I had kids. My husband and I felt that infants and young children need a fulltime parent. My husband would have stayed home with the kids in a heartbeat, but he had the higher salary, and could support me staying home with the kids, if we made some sacrifices and budget cuts in our lifestyle.
When each child was born, my husband took a week off from work to be with me and the new baby. That bonding time and togetherness really made a difference for us. (Family leave was unheard of in those days.)
Even after he went back to work, he had his special time with the kids each evening, giving them their baths, reading to them, and getting them ready for bed.
I really didn't even consider going back to work until I felt the kids were ready for preschool, and then it was only parttime, so I could be home for the kids when preschool was over.
Basically, parents do have to evaluate their lifestyles and expectations, and decide what will work best for them and their family.
I wish you and Tom the best of luck, whatever you decide.
**Ela**
[ August 08, 2003, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: Ela ]
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If you don't already have one, get a dog first. If you can't handle a dog, you can't handle a kid.
Other than that, pray, and although I know Tom is an athiest/agnostic he will agree with me on this, that the kid takes after you in the looks department.
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I call First Aunt slot. (Yeah, sure, I know you have a sister, Christy, but I will make an awesome aunt.)
He or she may call me Aunt T'Pau, and our first mission will be the establishment of a sheet tent fort. (Well, after we find our toes, but I have a feeling we will be advanced for our age. )
Next stop: kitchen science and the art of magic. Vinegar and baking soda bombs await.
Aunt T'Pau, the coolest member of the family
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The worries always seem to find a way to work out in the end, I've noticed. I took about 2 weeks off when Thomas was born, to help out Jen (recovering from her c-section) and to spend time with my new little buddy. She has been off work for about 10 weeks, and is going back next week. She only works about 4 or 5 hours a day though. She really wants to stay home, but I don't make enough to support us yet. She's going to take classes at night to finish her teaching degree, so she can teach when Thomas goes to school. Does that help?
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A bunch of my friends are having kids now, I know it is the age. I don't have any maternal tickings in my own breast. I have one friend that knows all she wants to do is stay at home with her children and is totally thrilled with the prospect, though she could be making a considerable amount of money. Both of them are engineers so either one could support a family on their income alone.
But, another very good friend of mine quickly realized that even though she loves her baby very much, she is NOT cut out to be a stay at home mom. She needs the knowledge that she is doing something productive outside the home. In the interm she has become an obsessive compulsive cleaning and gardening nazi. She has been working part time, about 20 hours a week as a pharmacy tech, and sometimes lives for the break from the house she gets when at work.
They are talking about having another child before she goes to pharmacy school, and I wonder if having a second child would give her more chaos and challenge than having only one has. But, she has so much internal drive, that she really needs validation outside of the home for herself. The thing is, she didn't know this about herself before she actually had the baby and started staying home with him!
I don't know firsthand about parenting; but I really wish my mother had gone back to work when I was 7 or 8. She's just now going back to work (I'm 18) nd it's a lot harder for the whole family to adjust than it would have been if it had happened when we were much younger. I think that once kids start school they don't really need a full time parent, and it does a lot to strain relations between them if the parent does stay home. This is just my personal expieerience though, and my family spends most of its time hovering on the line between functional and dysfunctional.
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My mom stayed home with us until I was 16, which is when my dad changed careers and she HAD to go back to work. I must say, it was GREAT when I was in elementary school. I loved that.
If you've ever read Lost Boys,though, the next statement will make a bunch of sense. She had her external validation and sense of accomplishment - even while staying home - through church. She was always president of something or other, and she was very good at it. She also loved staying home with us. It really worked for her.
You are right, no one is ever "ready" to have kids. No matter what you expect parenthood to be like you will always be surprised.
I stayed home for 11 weeks after Mooselet was born. After all of his problems my boss offered to let me stay home longer, but it wasn't really feasable financially. Papa Moose stayed home the first week. He missed more work when Mooselet got sick.
I handled leaving Mooselet with someone else better than I expected. I think it helped to know she understood his foot problems (her daughter was born with foot deformities as well). When I got the new job closer to home the person who watched him was a close friend from college. You definitely have to be comfortable with the person you leave your child with. That will make all the difference for your peace of mind.
As Papa Moose has said in other threads, I would love to be a stay-at-home mom. Right now it is more feasable for him to be a stay-at-home dad. If you can afford to stay at home for a year I would say go for it!
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Christy, if you ever need to get over this urge to have a baby, find some friends with an obnoxious teenager and spend lots of time with them. A good place to do that would be on a forced, boring vacation that involved the teenager in the back of the car with at least one much younger sibling annoying the daylights out of him/her. After a week or two of that, you'll realize that, while cute as babies, those things tend to grow up into monsters!
Good luck either way, though.
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Kristine is going to be staying home with Ryan when he finally gets here. Right now, that is what she wants to do, but after being hoome for a while with him, we'll see.
We have some friends who are both engineers. They could have either one stay home and live on the others salary, but she has decided to go back to work part-time. She told me it wasn't about the money, but about keeping up with her career, being productive, etc. She could also do her work from home, but she chooses to come in. Something about less distractions.
When do you other parents think would be the best time for me to stay home when Ryan comes? Both Kristine's mom and my mom will be able to come up right after he is born. It will certainly be easier with my job to plan an extended leave with some advance notice. Would it make sense for me to work part-time while the moms are around and then stay home when they leave or is it important to be there that first week or so?
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Zan, that's actually what I was going to do with Thomas - my parents were going to be here for a week, and then Jen's parents were going to help out. With the c-section, I just decided to take it right away. She felt more comfortable with me there to help her with the lifting and the bending stuff.
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Money will most likely be a factor in us deciding how long we can support a family on one income. Neither of us are making millions, let me tell you. On the other hand, I do have fears about my career. Hence comes the second scary part of the equation.
I am a research scientist without a masters degree. This basically means that my positions so far have been limited to grant money based 2 year guaranteed positions and after that it is up to review depending on funding/project plans. This has made it hard to think about pregnancy because I was losing my job the last time we seriously discussed this and I'm not sure how long my current position will last, but it comes up for review next July, I'm pretty sure, because of the weird July-June 30 fiscal year. I don't have a really good feel whether or not my boss would keep me on part time if that is what I decided to do.
I'm pretty sure that I would go nuts being a stay at home mom unless I could find a good social outlet, but I would like to try at least for 5-6 months, which is a bit beyond the family leave allowance.
My mom and dad worked varying schedules, he being a baker and therefore 2am-11am and she in the evenings 3pm-11pm, which I think worked out really great. However, I don't hope to copy that. I did love having my mom home as a child, though, something I think my sister really missed out on.
How does one really balance family and career?! Guess you just sort of have to find your own way to make it work.
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Any advice from people on how to deal with excessive fluids would be appreciated, too. I'm thinking some kind of double-hose pump thingy might work.
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quote: If you don't already have one, get a dog first. If you can't handle a dog, you can't handle a kid.
If this wasn't a joke, I disagree. Children grow up. Dogs (and cats) are always dogs (and cats). Babies learn how to smile and make little noises and wave their arms around and learn how to crawl and talk and walk. Dogs always remain at a certain level of intelligence.
If it was a joke (because I wouldn't recognise a joke if it was a wet cod and hit me in the face) then I apologise. But I still make my point. Don't get a dog. Get a baby.
(Of course, what do I know? I'm only seventeen, so take me with a pinch of salt.)
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Not the wife, sillies! Her fluids are perfectly manageable, even after too much tequila. I'm more worried about babies in that regard; in my admittedly limited experience, they spend a great deal of time extruding things.
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Oh sure, you say that now. Wait till after she's pushed a baby out of there and then sneezes. You'll know what I'm talking about then.
The best way to deal with a child's excess fluid is to not have a boy. Girls are much easier to deal with. Boys, on the other hand, the second you take the diaper off, will pee in your face.
Oh, and whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, ever lie down on the bed and do "baby airplane." As soon as you do, they will puke in your mouth.
posted
Oh, sorry. I didn't know we were supposed to be talking him into it. Just have him go hang around a baby. Who could resist that yummy baby smell?
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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1) Our first child was completely unexpected, and it was wonderful. We passed on finding out the sex and were both pleasently surprised when it was a boy. My wife (also a pharmacist) took off the 6 weeks with pay and took her 3 weeks of vacation on top of that. Because of the year wrapping during her maternity leave, she was also able to use her 3 weeks vacation from the "new" year as well. So, she ended up with 12 weeks of paid leave.
2) By law you can take up to 3 months leave for a healh reason (maternity in this case) without fear of losing your job. Your employer will expect you to come back full time though.
3) Some employers also have "manternity" in which the daddy gets a week off when the baby is born. I did not and had to use vacation time, which was well worth it!
4) The second child was different. My wife only took off 6 weeks plus 2 weeks vacation (we had both changed employers due to a move and had 2 weeks vacation each). My parents watch our children when we are both working. My mom is a retired teacher and we are blessed to have her watch them. If she didn't, our lives would be drastically different. Most likely my wife (who worked part time in my son's first 3 years) would either work part-time or not at all.
5) After having 2 children, I find quite honestly that my dog and cat are much harder to care for than my children. With pets, some things seem like work, but with children, it is a bit different. It feels more like an investment. Feel free to filet that comment.
6) My wife was 32 when our daughter was born, and it took us 4 years of trying. If you are not 30 yet, your odds of conceiving are very good, but after 30, the odds of conception start to decline more dramatically. We thought we would wait 1&1/2 or 2 years in between children and well, you can see what happened. My children are actually 7 years apart!
7) How does one balance family and career? It is the hardest and most rewarding balancing act you will ever do. I personally bury little mementos at work, like fridge drawings, arts and crafts, and little pics here and there. Our family time is very valuable, and we guard it fiercely.
We do have a cat, btw, although I don't find him anything like a child except for when I try to cuddle him and he wriggles away from over-love.
I fear my mother-in-law will come to live with us when we have children, which may be a blessing for us, or not, I'm not so sure -- she's a bit strong-willed. My parents and Tom's dad are 2-3 hours away and will not be available for daycare possibilities. I might perhaps hope that Sara will have an accomodating schedule and we could drop the wee-one off there -- which I'd love to do, but that is a bit too much to ask and hope for, methinks. *smile*
Yes, you all have helped, thank you. It's nice to hear what has worked for others and I always love to hear about your beautiful children anyways!
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There are some people who might regard having never changed a diaper as some kind of lack. For my part, I consider having nearly made it to thirty years of age without being required to service another human's waste a major personal victory.
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My own personal psychosis aside, I think Tom and Christy are as close to what would-be parents should be as anyone I know. So, in all probability, having kids will turn out to be a wonderful thing for them and for their children.
Tom, I have you beat. I am 34, and have never in my life changed a diaper. Unlike you, my amazing streak will go with me to my grave unbroken.
Posts: 5383 | Registered: Dec 1999
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Christy & Tom- I'm so excited for you! This is a big step that shows how content and you are with your life and each other. I'm very happy for you!
I have a tremendous amount of my self-worth invested in the feedback I get from my work. And I work with wonderful people. Yet, when it came to leaving John, the very thought scared me. For me, the decision was made when I found a wonderful daycare situation.
The transition back into work was gradual. After 2 weeks I would go in for 2 hours a day. I was feeding him breast-milk only, so the gradual lengthening of my time away coincided somewhat with my ability to pump enough milk for the time I was away. This process also allowed my separation anxiety to abate gradually. By the time John was 12 weeks old, I was back to 40 hrs a week.
But I missed my time with him. So I started cheating. I would wake him up as soon as I got home and play with him. We'd spend 4-6 hours every night just being together. By the time he was 3 monthes old, he'd take a 4 hour nap with the babysitter and would spend all his cute, happy baby time awake with my husband and me.
To this day, both my kids are night-owls. I still work and I still spend 4-6 hours a night with them. It works for me. Makes me feel like I have the best of both worlds.
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I have Slash and Tom both beat. I am currently 36 and have never changed a diaper. Of course, this will change in about a month, so you both will have a chance to pass me.
Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2002
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quote:Not the wife, sillies! Her fluids are perfectly manageable, even after too much tequila.
Tom, I'm so sorry. (*wince) Poor Christy.
quote:I might perhaps hope that Sara will have an accomodating schedule and we could drop the wee-one off there -- which I'd love to do, but that is a bit too much to ask and hope for, methinks. *smile*
No, not at all! If things work out well, next year should be the most flexible yet, and my little minio-- ooh, er, new friend would be most welcome for indoctri-- er, playtime.
(You couldn't hide him/her forever, you know. I know where you live. )
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Tom, Christy- from my virtual observances of your attitudes, I think you'll be great parents.
Tom-- babies don't start to poop and pee really smelly stuff until the fourth or fifth month. Longer if they are nursed rather than bottle fed. It's still gross-- but it isn't smelly until AFTER you've developed a strong emotional bond.
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Oh, this has GOT to be the coolest thread *EVER*. I'm so thrilled that you and Tom are thinking it may be time!
For your questions...no, I don't think you ever feel 100% like you're ready, not even with subsequent children.
For time off work, there was never any question that I would go back to work almost immediately after having my first child. So I went back when my son was 6 weeks old, which, because there was never any question, I think made it easier. The first few days were particularly hard, but after that, I got used to it. I didn't know anything about babies, and knew a lot about my job, so there was a lot of comfort in working during the day, and being mentored by the 'sitter when I went to go pick him up. I learned a LOT from her.
Nine years later, welcoming my daughter Rayne, I took as much time as possible off, the maximum allowable by the Family Leave Act to keep my benefits paid by the company, which was 12 weeks. When I went back, I only worked 32 hours per week, which is the minimum I could work and keep my benefits. I still only work those hours, which allows me to be taxi-mom in the morning. I work from home, so I kept my daughter "at work" with me until she was a little over a year old. When she started walking, it became impossible to continue having her at work with me all day -- I wasn't getting any work done -- so now she goes to daycare in the morning, and stays home with me in the afternoon. I *really* didn't want to put her in daycare, but it has ended up working out very well.
When I first started working from home, I discovered some things. First, I like being at home all day. It took getting used to, but I *really* like it. I could be very happy *not* having a job, and being at home. Second, I learned that my son, in first grade at the time, needed me more than I thought he did. I thought, being school age, that he really didn't need me as much as when he'd been a toddler. Wrong. That's still true. And I'm coming to the idea that it's possible he will need me even more, just to be around and available, when he hits his teens. These discoveries have led me to believe that maybe working at a job isn't so necessary for me anymore. So if and when my company finally folds and I'm out of a job, I probably won't try to find work.
I think it's really an individual choice...you figure out what works for your family, largely by experimentation.
I'm thrilled for you, and can't wait to hear that you're pregnant! Having a 15-month-old makes me very tenderhearted for new babies, especially if they belong to people I just know are going to be fantastic parents.
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A coworker of mine recommended that I look into daycare as soon as possible since there can often be waiting lists. Several of you have mentioned sitters and/or leaving your child with individuals. How did you find them? Although, CT, if it would work out, I can't think of anyone I'd rather leave my little minion to be indoctrinated by.
I would love for one of us to be able to work from home, but I know that would never be me. Can't really set up a chemistry lab in your kitchen. I think the gradual going back to work would really be nice, and/or perhaps a not quite full time schedule.
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Best of luck, Christy and Tom! And, no, you'll never feel quite ready to have kids. (Actually, I have 3, the oldest of whom is 9, and I sometimes wonder if I am really ready to be a mommy. )
I had kid #1 while I was in college. I took off the quarter the baby was due, and took 2 classes (instead of my usual 4) the quarter after. Three days a week instead of 5. With baby in tow. It actually worked out pretty well -- when the quarter started, she was 5 weeks old, and she was about 3 months when it was over. So nursing her right before class and tucking her into a Snugli for an hour worked fairly well -- and I sat near a door, just in case.
She stayed with a babysitter when I had a midterm.
She was going to be too old to take to school the next quarter -- 6 months. So I took the fall quarter off (and took no summer classes), to try the SAHM thing, and decide what to do.
I have a great deal of admiration for SAHMs. But I discovered that my tendency was to stay at home -- I couldn't seem to manage to consistently make it to the park, etc. So I slowly lost my mind . . . I felt bad for my friends -- calling me guaranteed at least an hour on the phone, because I was absolutely starved for adult conversation.
So, I found a great day-care provider. Someone who I knew personally for years, who watched kids in her home, with a couple of assistants. All three of my kids went to her when they were little, and I have recommended her to many friends.
IMO, that is the best way to find a daycare provider -- whether you are looking for in-your-home care or not -- ask for friends' references. And definitely check them out beforehand, in person. Even though I knew the woman I sent my kids to quite well, I sat in a couple times before I left my little one with her, and it really helped that first week, really knowing that my kid was in a good place.
quote: Can't really set up a chemistry lab in your kitchen.
Well, I like to think that all good kitchens are chemistry labs, but hopefully not the kind that OSHA has to approve.
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quote:Can't really set up a chemistry lab in your kitchen.
Shame on you, Christy-- haven't you ever read the Wrinkle in Time series? The mom in those books had exactly that-- a working lab set up in the kitchen.
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Of course, her husband also managed to get himself captured by an evil brain, her daughter wound up spawing children who got inevitably featured in terrible romantic novels, her twin boys kept reliving stories from the Bible, and her youngest son talked to microscopic unicorns. So maybe it's all for the best.
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i don't actually wear a hat. but that's really the only phrase that graemlins works with. except perhaps, "Excuse me, madam, would you like to waltz with me on the veranda?"
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