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Hello all! Time at long last for my 1000 landmark post. Sorry for my absence these past two weeks but I've been really busy with my play (12th Night by Shakespeare). That and I had NO idea what to write for my landmark.
Well well well… what to write?
Well, I was born March 18th 1977 at about 9am (ever notice that babies seem to always be born in the early morning?) to Mary-Anna and Terry Wolf. I'm about 2/3 German and Irish with some Scottish, French, and Castile Spanish (Cuban) in the mix. On my Dad's side an early relative was the first President of Switzerland and a more resent one was the author Eudora Welty, my second cousin I believe. My Grandma on my Dad's side was born Sally Welty and every Welty in America is descended from the three Welty brothers who came over from Europe.
My parents taught my bother Matthew and I to love our family history…by my Dad actually telling us that and by Mom through the love of her large family. We never saw much of my Dad's side…as his parents were in their 40's when they had him so he never got to see much of his extended family and thus neither did I. But we did have my Mom's family.
My Mom was born Mary Anna Leisner and had six brothers and sisters. Almost all my Mom's family lives in Chicago. Ahhh… I love that town. They are all VERY Catholic. But they are the loving, intellectual kind of Catholic, as apposed to the fire and brimstone Catholic. In Mom's family religion was not just going to Church but it was a way of life…prayers every day at meals and on Christmas and Easter big events….walking around blessing every room of Grandma Leisner's big house. And let us not forget the music. Music was everywhere in Mom's family. Grandpa was a singer in his free time and there were several of my aunts and uncles who were musicians.
That's probably where I got my love of Music and the fine arts. That and it's ability of a higher form of human communication.
See…I was a VERY introverted and shy kid. I still am in many ways.
Actually, it's not so much that I'm introverted because I LONG to be extroverted and to be loud and lovable and be with people. The problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and am so empathetic that I was and am very vulnerable to attack and abuse. Now, of course, over the years I've learned skills to shield myself and have built up calluses…almost to the point of being indifferent or apathetic about things I used to care about deeply. Double edged swords everywhere….
"Truth is a three-edged sword"
I was always a geek. I was always picked on and at the bottom of the social totem pole. Grade school was hell. Ever read "Lost Boys"? I was that kid. There were many times where I would be late to school on purpose just to avoid the crowd of enemies that waited for me outside the doors. Instead I made friends with the faculty, staff and Priests of the schools. I always got along better with grown-ups than with kids my age. I only had one or two friends for the twelve years of Catholic grade school. I was one of the best and brightest students, but probably about six years behind when it came to social skills. I was very kind and would try to defend people, but I had no ability to defend myself or even take a joke.
For many years my only friend was myself. I would create HUGE worlds in my imagination and play for hours in them. Did I mention I was a geek? Not only did I love sci-fi but I loved real science too. I wanted to be a scientist when I grew up. I worshiped Carl Sagan as a child (and still do). His show "Cosmos" filled me with such feeling it can only be related to a religious epiphany. And actually the movie "Contact" based on his book make be bawl like a baby.
High school in the beginning was the same… The grade school and high school were part of St. Frances Cabrini so most of the kids went to the high school…as well as the social fabric.
The thing that saved me was theater and a typo. My freshman year I was accidentally placed in the senior theater class. That was the BEST possible thing for me. I was around 17 and 18 year olds who were mature and took me under their wing. Theater taught me how to wear the Mask…to place mental shields up around the ego to protect yourself. I had found my passion and the key to interacting in the "real world" as well as creating beauty and civilization.
After that High School was great. I actually had several friends at a time. I had my clique, my group. We where their for each other against the storm of enemies and tormentors. And since I did go through all that I can totally understand how Columbine happened. Fortunately I was saved…
I was into art as well. I was obsessed with painting and ceramics. I was president of the art club for a few years and we organized a trip to Chicago to see the museums. We designed and build all the decorations for the dances and school parades. I made a name for myself as an actor. I had my circle of friends and I was on very friendly terms with all the teachers and staff. Life was actually starting to become enjoyable!
And then I started to notice boys.
I had always thought that eventually I would start to like girls. I never was, I just assumed that it would happen. I had always been fascinated by the male form and anatomy since I was little… not really a sexual thing when I was young but hindsight shows all the signs. I was so sheltered that I didn't even know that the word homosexual or gay existed or even what it meant till I was 15 or so.
I didn't even know what masturbation was… till I discovered it by accident! Lol! That is a tale and a half, but a story for another time…
Being gay was a mystery. Oh, I'd hear kids insult me and each other all the time with the word, but it was a far away concept that didn't mean anything in real life. But around junior year I couldn't deny what I was feeling or that I was looking at my fellow guys with lust.
Coming out is kinda like rebirth. You have to come out to yourself first. You go through the terrible fear that you are different and doomed. And then accept it. And then understand it. And then you have to come out to your friends and then your family and then the rest of the world.
Coming out was another thing that saved me. Besides the fact that if I didn't I would probably be dead right now, it forced me to come out of my emotional shell too. To find bravery. That almost anything can be endured and things, all things and events, weren't all that bad or such a big deal. I could survive and grow.
It came to a head my senior year. I was confident that year. I still wasn't out yet but I knew I was gay. I just assume that I would be alone forever and that was fine with me. I also thought about becoming a Priest! (I was still religious at that point). I had a large group of friends and I was in the top 20 in my school. I knew the ropes and all the people and I was a senior with inherent respect from all the underclassmen/women. I was on great terms with the administration and teachers.
I had become very interested in politics and the way nations worked that year. My junior year we had a beautiful Dane named Christian as a foreign exchange student and not only did he fascinate me for his looks but also for the different culture. I decided that I would befriend the new exchange student as a project for that year.
I was walking the halls after school about a week into the school year, just saying hello to all the teachers and staff still around and asking how their summer went. I was talking to the secretary for the student counselors when the counselor herself and his VERY tall gorgeous boy walked by. She was giving him a tour. She told me that Daniel was new and if I could show him around. "Sure!" I said. I showed him around and told him how thing worked. He had a strange way of talking but didn't think much on it at the moment. I was caught up with showing this hunk around and strutting my stuff. Then he asked if I could show him how the school lockers worked. He had never seen or used a combination lock before. Strange, I thought…but again didn't think much of it. I just thought he was this beautiful, 6' 5", strange talking, dude who didn't know how to use a combination lock.
(Part of the gift of being the odd man out for all of my life is that I refuse to judge people right away and always give them the benefit of the doubt, since I was denied that myself. My brother took the similar abuse he went through a different way…that he would never allow anyone to treat him like that again. If we could just merge both methods together we could conquer the world.)
Well, I'm sure you all can guess that Dan was the foreign exchange student. From Sweden no less! And damn was he hot. And nice. And smart.
We became best friends and I was never so happy in my entire life. But then my happiness turned to depression about six months later when I finally came to grips with the fact that I was gay and totally in love with Dan…and seeing no way to show my feelings for him.
My depression got more sever over the weeks….and I finally had to make a promise to myself that I would come out to Dan and my family by my 18th birthday. If not, suicide was very near. Dan saw something was wrong and asked me several times what was up. Finally I turned 18 and decided it had to be done.
Dan's host family was very strange. They weren't even married and they would go away for weeks at a time so Dan would stay at my house most of the time. He would just walk back to my house after school instead of back to his host "family's" apartment.
We got out of school and Dan asked me again what was wrong. We ended up walking for hours around town while I labored to say anything….me getting more and more worked up and upset. I was so embarrassed and torn and sure utter doom would come down upon me when it came out. I couldn't actually say the words so I wrote it on a piece of paper and handed it to him and then ran off down the block sobbing.
Daniel chased me down a little bit later and said "that's cool!" and gave me a hug. It was so casual and nonchalant! I should have known in Sweden it's no big deal. It was like the weight of the world was taken from my chest. I could smile and laugh again! Things would be ok and my best friend and love knew my true self!
We didn't get a change to talk about it further because "the Groupe", as we called ourselves, had come over to my house looking for us and being told by my folks that Dan and I were walking around came to find us. All ten of them turned the corner just as Dan and I were finishing up that last bit.
But it was ok…. The truth was out at last…the hard part was over and we could play with the gang the rest of the day and talk about it later. Of course that wasn't the end of it. Or even the hardest part.
Dan had been sort of seeing my friend Natasha and eventually they became very serious. I was SO jealous, let me tell you. She was another of my best friends. I was torn. I had come out but Dan was straight and dating my other best friend. A week later I told Tasha…. She laughed and said she had guessed I was for years.
Then came my parents. Dan and Natasha were the tests for the real struggle of telling Mom and Dad.
It was so strange…… and still is when I think on it… because I shouldn't have been scared. I knew that Mom and Dad wouldn't throw me out of the house of anything, they were both liberal intelligent folk and loved us no matter what….but I was still terrified. It felt like telling them that everything was a lie and they didn't know me. I knew and know in my rational mind it was silly…but that's what it felt like.
I was sure Dad would take it better since he was the atheist/scientist/philosopher of the family and Mom was the Catholic. But it turned out to be opposite. I think it's a Mom thing. Mom was there for me from the get go. Dad was uncomfortable and nervous for a year or two. Why you ask? Well partly from being raised by parents who could have been his grandparents. And even though he though of himself as socially evolved he was still raised with the old sex-type roles: men do this and women do this and that's just how it is in the big city.
Telling them was a struggle…just like with Dan. And with them too I had to write it down and toss it at them, running out of the house. Dan was there for emotional support and we walked around the city for an hour or two. Finally coming back, with terrible dread, finding Mom and Dad still up in their bedroom where I left them. They had both been crying a little bit and apparently Dad had run down instantly to grab his Scotch and had has several hefty glasses of it.
They weren't crying for disappointment or anything…but for fear for me! They were afraid of all the other hardships that lay ahead for their poor shy boy. Awwww… so sweat. Hugs for the parents.
It was funny, the first thing they asked me was "How do you know???" LOL!! How do I know… *giggle* How do you THINK I know? Well…. I think this shall end my landmark. Daniel eventually went back to Sweden, but I went and stayed with him and his family for a month that summer. Leaving him for what was probably the last time ever broke my heart and I cryied all the way back to America. But another love waited for me later that summer...one much more fullfilling and powerful.
For my second landmark I'll continue my life story from there on through college and that wonderful golden age.
Take care! Thanks so much for reading!
-Karl Jason Wolf- -Telperion the Silver-
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
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(((Telp))) so glad to see you again. Thanks for sharing such an honest part of yourself with us.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Thanks for sharing that with us, Silver. I can only imagine how difficult that situation must have been. It's hard enough sharing your feelings about somebody else without all the other things you had to deal with.
I haven't seen too much of you lately. Have you been posting as somebody else, or just posting in other threads than those I read?
When you first came on the scene here on hatrack, you annoyed me more than once. You can be a little more graphic (OK, a *lot* more graphic) about sex and sexuality than I am comfortable with. I am extreme prude (I have troubles talking about sex with my wife), and I took an immediate dislike to you.
But that dislike did not last as I got to know you more and more. I've enjoyed your presence here on hatrack, and hope to see you around more.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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Telp, I knew I liked you, and after reading this I like you even more. Thanks for your courage and honesty. I'm so glad you were able to find your "niche" in school and that your parents have supported you. Don't ever forget that all of us support you as well.
posted
Thanks everyone! Love you all! And for those who asked I have not been posting and Telperion is my only name here. Like I said I've been busy doing my play and didn't know what to post for my landmark and didn't want to wast the 1000 post.
I'm doing 12th Night in the city of Lincoln Park at it's open air band shell. We're also throwing a Shakespearean Festival with the performance...like a mini RenFest.
Morning wood... good one!!
Hmmmmm.... Tolkien wood...
ps> Hey, do I post this in the Landmark board too or does the admin do it?
[ July 19, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: Telperion the Silver ]
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
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quote: Actually, it's not so much that I'm introverted because I LONG to be extroverted and to be loud and lovable and be with people. The problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and am so empathetic that I was and am very vulnerable to attack and abuse.
Wow, I can sooooo relate to that.
*continues reading*
Edit: Finished. That was lovely. I would like to think that had I known you in high school, that we would have been good friends.
posted
Telp, at the beginningish of each month, I make a list of landmarks that have been inactive for around a month or more, and send it to the webmaster. He'll then transfer them to the archive. In the meantime, your landmark has been added to this thread, in the active section. When it gets archived, I'll update that info, too.
While I'm here... congrats on 1,000. I don't have time to read (and absorb and savor) your landmark right now, but I know I'll enjoy it once I do have the time.
posted
Telp, that was a very good Landmark. I guess you found the right words after all.
I know how you feel, as i felt the same way myself...except for the part about boys...
I went through a lot of teasing because I played flute (one time, at band camp...). I finally put it in words they could understand. "You play trumpet, which means that you spend all your time with 24 guys and 2 girls. I play flute, which means I spend my time with 31 girls and I am the only guy. Which one of us is gay?"
I am glad that you post here, and while I agree that sometimes you get a little carried away with descriptions, I like to hear your views. You always provide some insight to whatever is being discussed, and you usually phrase it the way I wish I had....
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Telpy, you are so great to have around the place! So much life and love and spirit! I always loved Telperion best of the two trees, too. Your light spawned both the moon and Venus.
May your light shine here for a long long while yet. I can't wait to hear the next episode of the story!
Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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Kwea -- I had a similar experience, but with the clarinet. It didn't have quite the stigma as the flute, but I was still the only guy. It sure rankled those girls that the only guy was 1st chair. It didn't help that I was always rubbing it in...
Telperion -- you've been away for a while, so let me shameless direct your attention to my first landmark that I posted on Friday.
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BannaOj, posted this elsewhere but just so you see it I do want to come to KamaCon. 13th and 14th right? Fri and Sat? I can be there by Friday afternoon. Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
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Telp, its always good to hear from you. Nice Landmark. Braver than I to admit my first loves.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Telperion: I usually never read landmarks, but I made a special effort to read yours because I've always thought that you were a very interesting person. As has been said over and over that was brave, thanks for sharing. Posts: 197 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Congrats! I enjoyed reading your landmark. I've been around for years and still haven't reached 1000.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2001
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I'm not big on all this personal sharing stuff, so I'll just beam happy thoughts your way. Everything else sounded trite in my head.
I'm looking forward to part two. It must have been difficult for you to reconcile being gay with being Catholic. I'm genuinely curious how that worked for you.
Now I'm gonna beam more happy thoughts your way as my brain is off and, again, everything sounds trite. You're too cool for trite.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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![[Wave]](graemlins/wave.gif)
Time at long last for my 1000 landmark post. Sorry for my absence these past two weeks but I've been really busy with my play (12th Night by Shakespeare). That and I had NO idea what to write for my landmark. ![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
![[Monkeys]](graemlins/monkeys.gif)
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Lol! That is a tale and a half, but a story for another time… ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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How do I know… *giggle* How do you THINK I know? ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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![[The Wave]](graemlins/thewave.gif)
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I'd give you a hug along with that but... I'm niether Sweedish nor a hunk so maybe a heart handshake instead? ![[Kiss]](graemlins/kiss.gif)
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