I sat in Starbucks and watched the people come and go; it's amazing how you can stop and the world will just spin on by. Sometimes literally spin by, like James, who just pulled by on his bike. He seemed to always be on top of things, ideas coming out of him with a enthusiastic pitch that I could only envy. He helped me twice, each time giving me a better idea than the one I had.
But he had this trapped look sometimes; “You know me,” and a faint look of weakness, covered quickly. He was off to a hot-shot investment firm this summer. I wasn't. I hardly knew the guy.
Sitting in Starbucks can do that to you, but sometimes it feels like the world is cold. It's like walking outside against a breeze. You know that you'll get to a warmer location, and soon, but that doesn't matter then.
It's been one hell of a month, driven to extremes. To start it off, I organized a trip with friends to NY to be part of the studio audience for a TV show. I have always savored the long bus rides to NY. Something about sitting with an iced coffee and my thoughts for 4 hours... This time I sat with my friends. We had a huge fight afterwards that wasn't really a fight, and of course, things are good now. But when a friend took a photo of us and commented, “Best friends,” I didn't say yes so readily.
The job interviews with big names who seemed to want me, at least for a week, until they didn't. And the sudden swell of visitors to my website, somewhat hard to explain but euphoria inducing. Perhaps I could do something?
Of course, in sharp contrast, an unexplained splotch grew under my armpit. Could it be cancer? Some days I felt so empty and hollow that I had no idea I was even there. You talk, your mouth moves, but you have no connection. And you stumble off, feeling disconcerted. Watching television seems to be a panacea. The emotions evoked by Law and Order are harsh, easy to channel, easy to deal with.
And partying just a little too hard, so you swear off the stuff for a few days. Then having a huge party go on right underneath you, feeling a primal thirst rise the next day, saying no, and feeling lonely in your room.
Dropping a tough class on Bacterial Pathogenesis because it would have you wake up at 8. What a rookie move.
People! A breathless montage, so many and yet so few that count. Going from on top of the world to lonely in your room all over a 24 hour period. Policies. I've been eating by myself for dinner for a few days now, so I promise myself almost daily that I'm going to have to eat with people. And I have good friends, but still like a quiet cloud it seems to cover the sun...
*sets up house across the street...dumps rusted half finished automobile on lawn with some old tires...sits on the porch with too small a stained t-shirt for my gut, a shotgun, and a 6 pack while profaning*