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» Hatrack River Forum » Archives » Landmark Threads » Crossroads (A Landmark) (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Crossroads (A Landmark)
BlackBlade
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Hey guys, is this thing on? *pat* *pat*

It's been while since I've posted anything personal here, but one of the best things about this place that drew me here was that we could share ourselves with each other. I'm past 14,000 posts and I think that warrants some sort of post in of itself, but recent events seal the deal so to speak.

I'm in China right now doing a finance internship and preparing to start my second year in the MBA program at the Thunderbird School of Global Management.

This is a bit of a track shift, and I only just found out today. My wife is divorcing me after eight years of marriage.

One of my proudest accomplishments was marriage for eight years. I loved telling people that number, as if we'd beaten the odds and great things were guaranteed in our future.

We're both going to have a go at keeping it as amicable as possible and remaining friends. We have a son who is four, and he is my most precious treasure. I'm not sure what this will do to him, or how to help him cope with it. I'm just learning how to do that myself today.

I'm going to speak with my boss and see if I could head back home to take care of these affairs. I hope they'll let me, but if they can't or my school balks at things, I might have no choice but to remain on my internship so that I don't lose the course credit, tuition, and the Global Citizen requirement. I'm asking to leave four weeks early, but I have already completed 9 weeks so hopefully that will be enough. My boss is a good man.

You guys have been a rich part of my life, and I hope you will all continue to be many years into our futures. I'm having a hard time with this, but I am also sober in my understanding that I am at a crucial stage in my life. How I conduct my schooling over the next two trimester will determine where I work, and ultimately where custody arrangement will have to be made with my ex-wife.

I'm scared, hopeful, worried, tired, alive, and I have every intention of getting through this with minimal damage. I don't think I'll ever stop loving my ex-wife. I can't forget all the wonderful things we had together. It will be hard but I want to setup a life where we are both involved in his life. I hope when he cries for his mother, I hope I know what to say when she can't just come into the room to be there. I hope she can do the same for him when I'm not there. I hope he can forgive us for not being able to make it work between us.

But mostly, I hope all three of us find peace.

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Dogbreath
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BlackBlade, I'm so sorry this is happening. I know what it's like to have your marriage be the most important thing in your life, your proudest achievement. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. You seem to be handling it with far more grace, maturity, and serenity than I would've thought possible. I hope things work out for the best and you get through it a stronger and wiser man.

Best of luck, and my condolences.

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SenojRetep
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Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't seem like enough, but it's all the internet really allows. I hope your hopes are realized and everything works out amicably. Thanks for being a great, positive part of this community.
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CT
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You are such a good, strong, smart, kind man. I want wonderful things to happen for you. I wish there weren't hard times like this.

(((T)))

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advice for robots
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Crap, man. I'm sorry. I hope you're able to figure everything out.
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Mucus
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I think CT and SenojRetep said what I thinking, best of luck and I hope that it works out.
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Samprimary
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I think a little bit's broken with the universe that this or anything like this would happen to you, of all people. I hope it all turns out mostly alright, in the long run.
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Jake
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I said my piece over on sake, but I'll add another hug here. ((Taylor))
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DustinDopps
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My wife and I had a really, really rough patch last fall in our 16th year of marriage. I thought it was going to end and I felt like my soul was crushed.

I know how you feel. I'm sorry.

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theamazeeaz
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You get this dumped on you when you are in China? I'm not sure if before you go, immediately after you get back, waiting a week or while you are there is the worst, but that's pretty terrible.

Hopefully everything will work out.

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BlackBlade
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Thanks guys for all your kind thoughts. I'm back at work today so at least there's that return to normalcy.

Hoping my school gives me approval to head back home early.

*fingers crossed*

And of course I'll continue to post here, and defend tone policing, the rights of jerks to be jerks as long as they don't disparage somebody directly. Same old, same old.

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Wendybird
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Here’s another hug (((BB))) I’m really really sorry this is happening in your life and pray your school will be able to work with you.
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Rakeesh
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Ahh, geeze, that's awful man! I wish I had something more helpful to say than how badly I felt that you were going through that, BB.

I suppose it's a perverse injustice/justice that many of the qualities I have noticed about you make me think/hope/who knows that you will be able to weather this with dignity and decency for all parties, but those are also the same qualities that damnit freaking unfair world. Take care, man, as best you can.

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Unmaker
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Marriage is tough for all of us, man; I know you did everything you could to make it work, and I feel deeply for you. Keep your head high, be a strong father for your son, and you will get through.
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Kwea
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Hope it works out for the best....for you, for your wife, but most of all for your son. In my thoughts and prayers.
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Derrell
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What Kwea said.
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Bella Bee
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So sorry to hear this - I've never been married so I can't really imagine how tough this is. Especially when you're far away - distance is such a rotten thing sometimes.

Take very good care of yourself, stay hopeful for that future you're working towards and keep telling your son how much you love him.

I don't know your situation but from divorce in my family I do know that it's better to have two happy parents, whether together or apart, than to have parents who are miserable for whatever reason. It may be tough at first, but your son will see that one day. Sometimes, maybe the best thing you can do for him will be to find and share the good things in life, no matter how hard that is.

I'll be thinking happy thoughts for you.

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BlackBlade
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I wrote this as a sort of reflection on when I knew my marriage was over until the present day.

You do not love me? Words come inside,
Wanton, unwelcome, wishing won't hide.
My feelings held, and changed in a flash.
My thoughts boil over then turn to ash.
I try to speak without feeling or passion.
I try to speak with a careful fashion.
My heart, hurt, now reaches my brain.
Truth of my words lays bare and plain.
One may wake into love from a slumber,
But grief settled on me, a cold encumber,
And washed me sore with heaving cries,
And filled my soul with many whys.
Without, there was not hand to steady.
No voices about me at the ready.
Save yours, now tired of my weeping.
Longing only a return to sleeping.
I bid thee goodbye, and wrestled anew,
With fitful cries, not only a few.
Amidst the apex a sudden retreat,
Calm possessed me and left me replete.
A certainty filled my poisoned veins.
Fast removed my gossamer chains.
Now wholly revived, I settled on course.
Dead then alive, impelled by force.
A peaceful calm that has not left me,
Taking the place of what had bereft me.
Since that time, I've not shed a tear,
Where err' I go, I go without fear.
Praise be to God, what healed my wound,
What held my strings and gently tuned,
What sang a song that soothed my pain,
What made alive what I feared slain,
And gave me strength enough to stand,
And grace enough to reach the hand,
To see me through beyond the end.
To love enough to stay your friend.

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CT
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Oh, BB. Powerful.
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BlackBlade
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Just, an addendum.

I managed to get back home without losing course credit and still finished my internship. I've been a single parent so far this trimester, and I've decided to graduate this December.

I completed the 60-day cooling period and filed a joint-consent decree with my soon to be ex-wife on Thursday.

Since finding out I was going to be divorced, I have experience an absolute wellspring of positivity. My family has been wonderful, my friends have all been so supportive, I haven't experienced any regret or difficulty accepting this reality.

School is going very well, I'm excited about the future, everyday feels like an adventure. I've started putting myself out there and meeting people, and it's been amazing. I feel very deep into my spirituality, more so than probably any time in my entire life.

I exercise even when I don't want to, I listen a lot more. I feel stress, but on the balance I can feel this bank of patience building up again in my life.

I love being with my son these days. We're having a great time together. This has forced me to be more present as a parent, and the returns have been far greater than the investment.

I still have crazy huge challenges in front of me, but while I respect them for the difficulty they represent, I'm not afraid of them. I believe I will surmount them.

I'm so glad that I came to Hatrack back in 2005, for it has directly and indirectly led me to meet so many people who have been so helpful in my life. It has given me a place where I have learned so much.

You guys are awesome, and I'm proud to read what you guys are writing each day.

[ October 21, 2014, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: BlackBlade ]

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Bella Bee
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I'm so glad for you that you're finding peace and stepping back out into the world with a positive spirit. That really is wonderful, and a testament to your strength as a human being.

That was really lovely to read.

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Samprimary
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Aight good, good

This news goes a long way towards me giving the universe a passing grade again

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Kwea
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Glad things are going well for you and your family. Still sorry you all had to go thought it though.
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BlackBlade
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Kwea: Thank you for your sympathy. [Smile]
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JanitorBlade
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So, a week ago my papers came in the mail signed by a judge. I've been told I can expect latent grief or sorrow to roil up, but so far I really do feel just like all is right with the world. I do look at those papers and feel hurt that this is easily the longest I've ever worked towards something that failed. I'm sad that the circumstances of our divorce reflect that both parties are not well.

I was able to secure full custody of our son. In exchange, I took on all the debt accrued while I've been going to school. There is no child support or spousal support.

I've met someone, and we've been corresponding quite regularly. We plan on meeting each other in person this December. She's all kinds of wonderful, and I can't wait to get to know her in person. Yes, it's very fast, and I may need to keep my feelings in check, so that I can make sure my son isn't hurt in this process, and that I'm not just rebounding. That said, I'm quite taken by this woman.

These last few months could have been the worst of my life, instead they have been some of the happiest days I have ever had. What a wonderful irony.

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Dogbreath
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quote:
Originally posted by JanitorBlade:
So, a week ago my papers came in the mail signed by a judge. I've been told I can expect latent grief or sorrow to roil up, but so far I really do feel just like all is right with the world. I do look at those papers and feel hurt that this is easily the longest I've ever worked towards something that failed. I'm sad that the circumstances of our divorce reflect that both parties are not well.

I was able to secure full custody of our son. In exchange, I took on all the debt accrued while I've been going to school. There is no child support or spousal support.

I've met someone, and we've been corresponding quite regularly. We plan on meeting each other in person this December. She's all kinds of wonderful, and I can't wait to get to know her in person. Yes, it's very fast, and I may need to keep my feelings in check, so that I can make sure my son isn't hurt in this process, and that I'm not just rebounding. That said, I'm quite taken by this woman.

These last few months could have been the worst of my life, instead they have been some of the happiest days I have ever had. What a wonderful irony.

[Smile]

I'm very happy to hear you're doing so well. One of the unexpected joys of breakups (or divorce, I guess) is the sense of relief and happiness that comes after the initial period of grief. I'm guessing you probably spent several months (or even years?) before the divorce having to deal with a lot of relationship problems, frustrating arguments that seem to accomplish nothing, and emotional trauma. Suddenly being free of that, not your responsibility, not your problem any more... it can be a wonderful feeling. (Which isn't to say divorce is good or desirable, or that you should ever divorce just to get that feeling (which I think some people do), but it's a nice perk)

I met my wife 4 months after the worst breakup of my life, and she continues to amaze me by how amazing and wonderful she is, so I'd be a hypocrite to warn about rebounding. [Smile] Good luck!

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BlackBlade
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So, I asked this "someone" to marry me, and she happily agreed. Katherine and I are looking most likely at a June wedding.

I know this is incredibly fast and unconventional. But I also know that I am absolutely certain about this. I suspect the next few months will further strengthen that conviction. I am in love with this wonderful woman.

I guess, then what I'd like to say now is that you must never think that when awful things happen, the potential for amazing things to happen is lost. Had you told me a Christmas ago that I would be a single parent and engaged to an extraordinary woman in a year, I would have found that so hopelessly unlikely and awe inspiring.

Here I am, having chosen a path at a previous crossroads, and what a delightful place I find myself in.

Link.

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Mucus
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Congrats!

I probably missed a few posts. How are the two of you dealing with the fact that your job search is (was?) fairly global if somewhat aimed at Asia? What is her profession and is she LDS as well?

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Szymon
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Wish you all the best.
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Orincoro
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Not wanting to be "that guy" Blackblade, but since you've been there for me in the past when I've had my own ups and downs, I wanted to give you my $0.02, for what it's worth.

Getting married less than a year after even finding out that you're going to have to get divorced is, odds on, a bad idea. Not every time, and I don't know your situation, but in general, as a rule of thumb. This may be the person, and this may still work for you, but I only suggest you ask yourself, whether you couldn't wait a bit longer. Like a year. Just a year.

I hope that if I were asked, I would never agree to marry someone who was in those circumstances. How can she know you, as a person, when she has only known you during this transformational time? How can you be sure you know her, when you have only known her in this state? Just questions i hope you have asked yourself.

My wife is Ukrainian, and they have a saying (apparently). You should never marry anyone until you have known them in 4 seasons. That is, you have seen how they deal with change, and you have seen the range of being that the arc that their personality describes.

That's it. I don't know anything about it other than in general, and in general it's often a bad idea. So I had to say it.

Otherwise, I congratulate you and I wish you all the best in this, and in your new life!

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Raymond Arnold
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I wasn't quite sure what the right netiquette was for this, but I was sharing Orincoro's concerns. I think he stated them pretty articulately and compassionately.

I too hope things go well.

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JanitorBlade
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Mucus: She's quite comfortable were we to move our family out to Asia. We'll have to see what the actual job search results in. Katherine is a registered nurse, and is also LDS.

Orincoro: I appreciate your advice, were I in your position the tone and content are exactly what I would hope to have written. I have spent a lot of time thinking, "Are you rebounding? There's a preponderance of evidence that you are rebounding."

Many of my family members feel the same way as you do. Some of my friends feel the same way you do. I've done my best to be introspective and objective. I'm convinced I'm making a fantastic choice. I wish everybody could meet her.

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Raymond Arnold
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Glad to hear things are going well and you're taking it all really seriously. [Smile]

I think Orincoro's point wasn't about diving into the relationship (from everything you've said it sounds pretty awesome) and more about take time fully know each other, and getting to enjoy each stage of the relationship before making big decisions that'll affect you and your son for a long time.

You'll always be able to get married, but you won't always be able to enjoy the exciting, early stages of a relationship. Obviously you know the situation best though. I hope things go well.

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Orincoro
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quote:
Originally posted by JanitorBlade:

Orincoro: I appreciate your advice, were I in your position the tone and content are exactly what I would hope to have written. I have spent a lot of time thinking, "Are you rebounding? There's a preponderance of evidence that you are rebounding."

Many of my family members feel the same way as you do. Some of my friends feel the same way you do. I've done my best to be introspective and objective. I'm convinced I'm making a fantastic choice. I wish everybody could meet her.

You've been married before, so you know what it is. I realized, in the process of getting married, that you get married for your family, as much as for yourself. It's a statement and an agreement that you make, as a group, that you recognize this person as a member, and that different rules apply when it comes to them.

So I would suggest you and your fiance and your family have an open discussion about that, and a long engagement. But that's your business, and you have to do what you think is right.

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Jake
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Orincoro, there's been a chorus of that same sentiment over at sake, but I don't think that I've seen anyone, myself included, say it as well as you did in your earlier post.

That said, it's pretty clear that his mind and Katherine's are made up.

BB, I've said it elsewhere, but I hope this marriage brings you, Katherine, and your son all three lasting happiness.

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JanitorBlade
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Thanks folks. I really do appreciate all the input.
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advice for robots
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Wow, congrats, BB! I didn't see this update until just today. I'm happy for you and wish the two of you the very best. You are a great-looking couple, BTW.
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BlackBlade
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So, pictures! But first some thoughts.

I thought that I would always love, Tiffany. Turns out that my love for her has changed. It has become the same love I have for other human beings. I talk to her about our son, but that's more a responsibility that I must own rather than something I desire or wish was greater.

I have not spoken much about the circumstances that lead to our marriage dissolving, but while I was in China, Tiffany started having an affair. When she finally owned up to it weeks later she indicated she didn't want to go to counseling or try to save our marriage, and that I needed to come home because she didn't think she could look after our son. She didn't end the affair while the divorce proceeded, and she's still with her boyfriend. I hope they find happiness with each other.

Certainly the mechanics of our breakup affect what our post-divorce relationship is/can be. Perhaps if she had died in an accident I would still love her. Since, she discarded me, I guess I have surprised even myself in seeing that I could accept that decision and respond. Not in any sort of vengeful way, but just mindfully letting go of what was and would never be again.

Anyway, pictures! Of what my last few months have been like.

I'm actually having fun, if you can believe it.

Ben & Me.

Wedding Day.

We live here now!.

Thanks for being along for the ride guys. You all being around to talk to has made a huge difference in my life. And now in the life of somebody precious to me. Until next time!

-BB

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Dogbreath
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Is that Lex Luthor kite surfing!?!

Awesome pictures man! [Smile] That last one is at Garden of the Gods, right?

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BlackBlade
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That's the place, indeed. [Smile]

I've seriously considered doing Lex Luthor for Halloween, but I think people might also think Agent 47 from Hitman.

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Jon Boy
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You live in the middle of the wilderness? That sounds tough.

Seriously, though, that's a lot to go through—good and bad—in just one year. I'm glad to hear that things are going well.

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Dogbreath
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quote:
Originally posted by BlackBlade:
That's the place, indeed. [Smile]

I could swear I have that exact same picture (of the view, not of you folks [Razz] ) on my phone from last time I was there. It's a great place to go, especially if you go to some of the (relatively) kid-safe climbing areas. My nephew loves it.

(Me and my nephew and niece last July)

As far as what happened with Tiffany: not to try and oversimplify or generalize, but I've seen that situation (man goes away for 7 months or a year, wife cheats on him and leaves him) play out over and over and over again over the past 6 years. Like, probably to over 10 people I know. It seems highly correlated with people who marry young and end up resenting their marriage and it's constraints and responsibilities, but I think the biggest issue is there are some people who simply can't stand going without emotional and physical intimacy for an extended time period. These usually end up being the sort of people who *always* have been in a relationship since they were old enough to date, and are terrified of being alone.

I would have to say that spending most of my adult life single and learning how to be lonely - how to be *happy* with just myself - was an absolutely essential lesson that contributes a lot to the happiness and health of my marriage.

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BlackBlade
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Dogbreath: That's very interesting. I think in my case it was related to depression, and to be perfectly honest, selfishness. It wasn't the first affair I'm sad to admit, but enough years had passed since the last one, I thought it was all behind us.

But that is definitely an important lesson you mentioned at the end. Being able to be alone and happy is essential.

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Dogbreath
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*nods*

Sorry about that. Your post brought up a lot of memories for me (I went through a somewhat similar experience, though I wasn't married to her thankfully) and it launched a sort of train-of-thought "why do people cheat" post that, on second thought, was probably inappropriate here. I was just thinking about the inevitable excuse - "it was just sort of an accident" or "I just couldn't help it, it all happened so fast" and was wondering - mostly due to my own inability to understand why it happens - what exactly drives someone to do that.

Thank you for being so gracious with sharing all of this. I can't imagine it must be easy.

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Mucus
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*like*
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CT
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[Smile]
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Uprooted
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Oh . . . wow . . . I haven't been to Hatrack or related sites in quite a long time. This is big news. My condolences on the divorce and congratulations on your marriage! Mazel Tov!
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BlackBlade
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So nice to see you again, Uprooted! [Smile]
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Samprimary
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SORRY ABOUT UR MARRIAGE
CONGRATS ON UR MARRIAGE

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theamazeeaz
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The king is dead long live the king.
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