The best writing ever produced by a grammar-checker!
Posted by Frangy. (Member # 6794) on :
¿?
Posted by Syrjay (Member # 7706) on :
Are you alright?
Posted by Verai (Member # 7507) on :
I'm going to ask for the second one just to be different
Posted by DarkKnight (Member # 7536) on :
How about
A great read for insomniacs!
This full length novel looks good on any desk!
A must read for people who have too much time on their hands!
Posted by DarkKnight (Member # 7536) on :
and my all time favorite (although I can't remember who said it first)
I laughed. I cried. It was better than "Cats"
Posted by Swampjedi (Member # 7374) on :
"Perfect Toilet Reading. I give it five rolls!"
Posted by DarkKnight (Member # 7536) on :
"This book is not only less filling, but tastes great"
Posted by Swede (Member # 7560) on :
A most-buy novel for all with a fireplace
Posted by AntiCool (Member # 7386) on :
"So good, you'll never want to finish it!"
Posted by Syrjay (Member # 7706) on :
The author is my brother-in-law and I need him to make enough money to get out of my house. Please buy this.
Reading this book is akin to listening to Gilbert Gottfried performing an opera.
The hero dies in the end.
Posted by DarkKnight (Member # 7536) on :
This book has the appeal of Ewoks, Jar-Jar Binks, and Starship Troopers 2!
Posted by Meshugener (Member # 7601) on :
Its like Dr. Seuss without the rhymes!
This book is responsible for 3 out of 10 brain hemorages!
Best book ever written by a room of monkeys with typewriters!
Posted by Verily the Younger (Member # 6705) on :
Kept my door open admirably!
A nearly painless read!
You'll want to loan it to your friends and never ask for it back!
The special effects were amazing!
Posted by Verai (Member # 7507) on :
Oh noe, what has OSC started? Posted by Frangy. (Member # 6794) on :
I don't understand nothing....
Posted by DarkKnight (Member # 7536) on :
"I was paid to read this book and write this review"
Posted by Brian J. Hill (Member # 5346) on :
Replaces the Sears-Roebuck catalog!
You really, REALLY can get enough of this book!
Dialogue as riveting as if George Lucas himself had written it!
Posted by Jay (Member # 5786) on :
Was this supposed to be a game? Cool.
"Great Bon Fire Starter"
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Amazing copy-editing!
Hobbes Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
Now with 1/3 less syllables than other Speculative Fiction Novels!
Posted by Gryphonesse (Member # 6651) on :
"This is the most exciting part of the entire book!"
Posted by Syrjay (Member # 7706) on :
Orson Scott Card didn't write this.
You'll be dead before this series ends.
This whole book is written in L337 5P34|<
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
DK, don't go knocking Ewoks. Posted by LTC DuBois (Member # 7661) on :
Can't remember where I heard this one.
"Once I picked this book up I couldn't set it down. I had to hurl it across the room."
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
LTC, that's very similar to a Dorothy Parker quote.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown aside with great force."--Dorothy Parker.
Although I have often heard it with 'hurled' in place of 'thrown aside'--not sure which is an accurate quote.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Dang, Morbo, you rock.
Posted by MagusFire (Member # 6780) on :
"A must have for collectors looking to own every book ever written."
Posted by FormerlyEmpty (Member # 7717) on :
Many came before, many still to come, but none with such mediocracy!
Posted by Verai (Member # 7507) on :
"A great investment! Will be worth millions in a couple thousand years."
Posted by FormerlyEmpty (Member # 7717) on :
If bunnies could read they'd still eat and poop on the paper of this book.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
A veritable ratatouille of styles, characters, settings and points of view!
Just like an epsiode of Knight Rider -- but without the talking car.
I wept. I cried. I wept some more. And then I plunged my head in a bucket of ice.
Reading this book is just like stomping on a burning paper bag left on your front porch.
Guaranteed to make your kidneys ache.
A leaky plot and leaden prose -- but with a heart of gold.
Tugs at your heart strings, leaving behind a thick, oily film that you can't forget or wash away.
Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
Brilliant use of the word "pants"!
Better than you thought a book on sale for 93% off could be!
Posted by LTC DuBois (Member # 7661) on :
Thank you Morbo.
Posted by Verily the Younger (Member # 6705) on :
Most of it is not actually filler!
So much like his last book, you'll swear you've read it before!
Divided into chapters for quick reference!
So exciting I had to be rushed to the emergency room for cardiopulmonary resuscitation before it could kill me!
Posted by PeterTheHegemon (Member # 7620) on :
This book is so good that- Oh, wait. Never mind.
Posted by Suri-cool (Member # 7599) on :
A good paperwieght!
Posted by signine (Member # 7671) on :
The binding is quite sturdy!
The first chapter had me at the edge of my seat!
The cover art is magnificent!
Almost as fun to read as the obituaries!
Posted by LTC DuBois (Member # 7661) on :
This doesn't really fit the topic but I just read this quote from the Dude.
"The academic-literary elite prefers literature that cannot be properly understood unless you have your secret English Department Decoder Ring."
Posted by FoolishTook (Member # 5358) on :
-Wait for the B-movie!
-Requires a PHD in medical terminology to understand!
-Better than disco!
Posted by Khavanon (Member # 929) on :
-Osama gives it a thumbs up!
-As thought provoking as The Revelation.
-With a money back guarantee, right out of the author's pocket! That's how confident we are.
-Now with Scratch N' Sniff!
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
An exhilarating ride, much like a plummeting elevator!
I'd rather papercut my eyeballs then reread it.
Meh.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
A real attention-grabber! My eyes were glued to the pa--oooh, shiny!
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
Full of quotes so great, you'll want to put them on the back of YOUR next book!
Posted by Judas (Member # 7355) on :
..This book will save your life, the day you run out of toilet paper....
-Judas
Posted by Judas (Member # 7355) on :
OSC's understanding for the human condition radiates from this book as he embraces each aspect of human behavior; he waited till the last minute to write it, he didn't check his spelling, and he was too lazy to give it a decent title himself- pushing that burden off onto his 'friends' instead.
-Judas
Posted by Swede (Member # 7560) on :
Why doesn't anyone like this book? It got letters!
Posted by Gryphonesse (Member # 6651) on :
(I think bonus points should be awarded to Zalmoxis for use of "ratatouille")
Posted by Jonathan K. (Member # 7720) on :
Love me, Read me, Burn Me.
Posted by Jonathan K. (Member # 7720) on :
The enemy's gate is DOWN. (You know i never fully understood the significance of that quote.)
Posted by Danny (Member # 7404) on :
- Guaranteed to be banned in public schools across America. - I wrote this. - Help! I'm stuck in a book-cover factory! - MUFFIN LIKE BOOK; MAKE MUFFIN HAPPY!
[ April 05, 2005, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: Danny ]
Posted by Meshugener (Member # 7601) on :
quote:The enemy's gate is DOWN. (You know i never fully understood the significance of that quote.)
you'll find the significance of this in this pocket watch...follow it with your eyes...youre getting sleepy...your eyelids are getting heavy....
Posted by 0range7Penguin (Member # 7337) on :
WARNING: This book is known to induce commas in 73% of readers. (The other 27% died instantly)
Posted by 0range7Penguin (Member # 7337) on :
The enemies gate is down is a great quote. Its great for playing Red alert becuase theirs missions where their is like two hundred baddies but you win if you destroy a specific building. So remember the enemies gate is down! Just make fifteen of the fastest tanks and go for the goal. Who cares if when your done you only have one tank left, you won!
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
As gripping a read as the tax code.
A rollercoaster ride of a novel -- without the fun and all the nausea.
This novel reminds me of that one time we went to my Uncle Dave's house and we had to sit for three hours in his living room, which smelled like stale beer and wet dog, while he told us all about his thrilling career as an MP at a Naval Air Station in Nevada.
Posted by Jonathan K. (Member # 7720) on :
fun times, fun times.
Posted by 0range7Penguin (Member # 7337) on :
A must have for any Nazi book burning
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
Personally I think that inducing commas in people is much more humane than inducing semi-colons.
Posted by Jonathan K. (Member # 7720) on :
I've never seen a better editing job.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
This book reminds me of the time I took the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones... -Grandpa Simpson
I laughed until my eyes bled!
More fun than exploratory colon surgery!
Hecho en Mexico.
Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
The Author shows grammer to impeccibly use with.
If you only read one book by someone other than Stephen King this year, this is the one!
Card weaves a tale about that wacky bunch from battle school, up to their old tricks again.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
"Just put generic review number three in here, Kate, and put an exclamation point at the end of it, he paid five bucks extra."
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Quite tasty.
*munch*
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Sure to be read by generations of mayflies to come.
The hottest thing since borscht.
So good, I only fell asleep five times while reading it!
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
Ranked #1 by college athletes.
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
If, God forbid, God read this book, he would WISH he were dead.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
"A great way to punish unruly children!"
"More fun than real life!"
"Now with less pronouns!"
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
Reading this book is like wading through a pool of butterscotch while wearing a corduroy jumpsuit.
A triumph of jaw-dropping mediocrity!
This is the second best book about a hazel-eyed, red-haired, hot-tempered, agnostic, Libertarian, dairy farmer of medium build ever written.
Sure to be a bestseller!*
*(in some small town bookstore where the only other choice of newish reading material is Consumers Report's Best Buys for 1983).
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
"The must-read bedtime novel of the decade. You'll go straight to sleep every time you pick it up."
"The author's ability to pepper his novel with obscure vocabulary will leave you screaming for something to drink."
"This novel made me laugh like never before. Odd, considering it was supposed to actually mean something."
An alteration of praise for Shadow of the Hegemon : "As are all Card's books, this one is strangely strange."
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
All your brains are belong to us!
A book you can actually admit that you like!
Now with never before read action sequences (added by the editor)!
Don't even bother opening this book!
The most beautiful blue cover, it looks wonderful next to my Harry Potter series.
Posted by DarkKnight (Member # 7536) on :
A great book to hollow out and store valuables in
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
DK:
That's hilarious. Good one.
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
"An excellent book to let your soon-to-be ex have in your divorce settlement."
"Eight hundred and thirty seven pages of epic drivel."
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
"Will keep you entertained for hours...throwing up after reading it!"
"What does this author do with his spare time? Now we know! He plays with his keyboard all day!"
"Leaves readers anxiously waiting for the next installment so they can finish feeding the fire!"
Posted by Frangy. (Member # 6794) on :
I had to read the books 4 times to understand it a bit
We don't know in that language was written
And never Orson Scott Card (it is a joke , is enough to see his name in that for I buy it)
Posted by estavares (Member # 7170) on :
"Now with 25% more fiber!"
"I laughed. I cried. I kissed six bucks goodbye."
"Voted Most Winning Smile among its fellow Fall releases."
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
"The novels of this series are an intriguing combination of two parts snores, one part despair, and three exciting waves of nausea."
"The fast-paced action features one eyebrow-raising episode after another."
Posted by Jonathan K. (Member # 7720) on :
It's like a party in you're mouth and You're not invited!
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
Curling this book twenty times a day will result in beach-ready biceps!
I haven't laughed this hard since I saw Taxi!
My cat pees on this book almost exclusively!
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
"Best Doorstop I ever had!"
"More fun than a barrel of air"
"I cannot say enough good things about this book"
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
This is the greatest literary achievement since Mein Kampf
It will make you long for your days as an inveterate mouthbreather.
Posted by B-HAX (Member # 6640) on :
"Study shows, reading Orson Scott Card makes you attractive to the opposite sex"
...or same sex...lol, just had to throw that in to reference the recent hatrack gay debates.
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
This book is even better than dressing up in women's clothing and singing Streisand songs.
This book will make you feel as creepy as finding out that a pervert snuck into your room every night during your senior year in high school and watched you sleep.
This book does for sex what Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle" did for meat.
Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
This book's plot had me tearing my hair out! Big clumps of it, all over my head!
Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
New Edition! 20% less "be" verbs than before!
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
So grand a journey your legs will be tired!
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
Now with paragraphs!
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
The best thing to happen to literature since semicolons!
Almost as heavy as the phone book!
This book will make you rich...in the post apocalyptic world where paper is the new currency!
Characterization so good, it's 4 dimensional!
No sentences longer than 11 words!
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
"It's a book you can't put down! You'll scream! You'll cry! You'll look for something to pry the flypaper pages from your hand!"
"So good I traded it to Billy Joe for two beans, some whiskey, and a cow pie."
"An ideal substitute for ipecac!"
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Move over Tolstoy, there's a new author whose books will collect dust on every intellectual's bookshelf.
It makes Tom Jones look like a Vegas act.
Hobbes Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Guaranteed to be the newest-looking book in the house!
Posted by Grisha (Member # 6871) on :
If Shakespear had written this, we wouldn't still be studying his work today.
Better than the Illiad and Odyssey combined, I judged solely by number of words.
Sure to be the subject of many failing book reports.
It's the fith best book about termites I've ever, and is still the only book I've ever read about termites.
Full of names that are longer than Schwarzenegger.
Proof that not all words have to have vowels.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
The heir apparent to Jim Theis' 'The Eye of Argon.'
Posted by Haloed Silhouette (Member # 8062) on :
quote: Proof that not all words have to have vowels.
That's Czech! Anyway...
"The best book in its series since the predecessor!"
"A great source of employment for your shredding machine."
Posted by Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged (Member # 7476) on :
"If you have sleep problems then this is the book for you!"
Posted by Dread Pendragon (Member # 7239) on :
"Since you get to fill in all the adjectives Mad-Libs-style, it's like the novel you never wrote."
Posted by Lacerta (Member # 8007) on :
" The most improbable book of all time!" " I dont remeber waht it was about, but I know it is good." " This book most likely to attract you towards the same sex." " Insomniacs will finally find some sleep."
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
"One thumb up!"
Posted by Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged (Member # 7476) on :
"If you loved reading the dictionary, you'll love this book."
Posted by Lacerta (Member # 8007) on :
" I took it straight to the bathroom"
Posted by Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged (Member # 7476) on :
"If you ever need to filibuster, this is the only book you'll ever need. Guarantied to break the will of your opponents. No bill will ever pass unless YOU want it to."
Posted by Haloed Silhouette (Member # 8062) on :
"This book gives you great literary undrstanding. In order to appreciate the good, you must read the bad."
Posted by Dread Pendragon (Member # 7239) on :
"If you don't buy this book, the terrorists win."
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
"Mediocrity at its best."
Posted by Dread Pendragon (Member # 7239) on :
"the plot twists at the end, and you realize it wasn't actually a Norwegian cook book you've been reading."
Posted by Dread Pendragon (Member # 7239) on :
"finally, a book that answers the question of where Waldo really is . . . and you won't believe where!"
"You wan't the truth about this book? You can't handle the truth!"
"My therapist says I should disclose how I felt about this book to others . . . but I don't think I'm ready yet."
"Part of me loved the book, the other part hated it. But enough about my multiple personalities."
Posted by Haloed Silhouette (Member # 8062) on :
"Even though there are many characters and the plot is rather simplistic - this is the first Novella publication of the Phone Book!"
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Card's style of prose ascends to the apex of literature's greats, and is then mocked in comparison.
Few delights surpass that of a Card novel while you wait for your lump sum payment from your $12 million winning lottery number.
Here's to an old, fruitless mind writing about young, bright minds.
Perhaps the most controversal, sadistic, violent, disgusting, and utterly fun work of this generation.
[ May 19, 2005, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: Von ]
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Card manages to show here that, in just a few years, his ability to craft a workable story will be in near sight to Lucas and Mamet.
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Card's newest attempt quickly causes literary brain freeze. That is, gluttonous consumption will surely lead to pain.
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
A welcome accompanyment to your family reunion.
10 times better than death!
Uncle O goes for the big O and misses with this unsexy tail of crushed kittens.
Whenever I think of what I just read, it brings back memories.
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Like a dream that you wake up from and get out of bed, get breakfast, and go to work.
Never read this!!
"Me Cardzan, you Jane!" Ho ho ho, Card does it again with his witty use of over-used things that have already been thought up. Three jeers for Card.
Posted by Gryphonesse (Member # 6651) on :
nearly as exciting as watching your bananas turn brown
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
It was this or "My Life" .. sorry, but I can't review this one.
And his autograph is spelled correctly too!
Too wordy!
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Miss a few turns of the pages, and you get lost in a maze.
Every Card fan is reading it!
I'll have to remember to forget it.
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Special package comes with trial size hernia medication.
A few pages in and any reader can see that Card knows the English language.
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
I really liked it somewhat.
If Tony the Tiger were here, he'd say, "Iiiiiiiiitttt's Grrrrrrreeaaaat!"
The best way I know to gear you up for a mamogram.
Cheezy as a pizza.
Posted by Haloed Silhouette (Member # 8062) on :
"The covers of this book are too far apart."
"In order to read this, please have a 30-volume encyclopadia and a 20-volume dictionary beside you. Also, you might consider several other dictionaries of various languages, from French to Tibetan."
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
"The bok was gud. I dru a horsy in it."
"This novel provides a stunning conclusion to reading the author's books. You'll never pick one up again."
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
The characters are as realistic as Donald Trump's hair.
If you read this and don't commit ritual suicide, you get a free frogurt!
Who would have thought that "Hooked On Phonics" would translate so cleanly into Vietnamese? This guy!
Posted by Occasional (Member # 5860) on :
If the author had written another book I would read it. As it is, I am reading someone elses instead.
Posted by Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged (Member # 7476) on :
"Read the book that brought back the practice of Seppuku to Japan."
Posted by alluvion (Member # 7462) on :
With the coinage of "li-fi", Monsieur de la Canard, the one juvenile Scott, wrapt but not rapacious, belittled as he doth disencumber and grunt, hath marked his voyage into the nether-regions of pomo public voice, un-explored by prior workers in the sub-field denoted by the "honorific" of Sci-Fi, as his own. Let him pizzle where he sees want, and resist the wanton neglect of the weeds he oversees.
Posted by Lupus (Member # 6516) on :
"This book is almost as concise as the wheel of time series."
Posted by dab (Member # 7847) on :
"If you liked Harry Potter, put this book down and go re-read that series"
"gives a whole new appreciation for Ebay"
"many great artist are not fully understood until they are dead... i don't think this is why I am wishing to soon see this author in his grave"
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
There's only one Card, and it isn't an ace!
Ardcay's ookbay ulesray!
If I only had 6 months left to live, I wouldn't read Card's new book. (I never start something I don't have time to finish).
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Builds on the intellectual dynasty of 'Everyone Poops.'
An existentialist melo-drama which, by mid-book, will start you wondering if perhaps life really isn't worth living.
Contains more gratutious violence than a Texas trailer park.
Posted by Haloed Silhouette (Member # 8062) on :
"This book as a whole is better than the sum of its chapters individually."
"Price means quality, right? This book is very expensive to maintain: Per chapter, one must drink several bottles of pure alcohol and inject much LSD into system; all in order to retain conventional form."
Posted by Lacerta (Member # 8007) on :
" I could hear my money going down the drain as I read this book" " One of the sexiest books around, and it was like a textbook"
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
"An arsonists dream"
Posted by Lacerta (Member # 8007) on :
" Shatteres my dreams in more than one way... Gave me great ideas to kill my mother...I killed my mother"
Posted by Lacerta (Member # 8007) on :
" I burned the book to keep from going insane..."
Posted by Occasional (Member # 5860) on :
I was inspired to write my own book after reading. Certainly if this person could get published than so can I ... or my pet monkey.
Posted by Occasional (Member # 5860) on :
"My pet dog really enjoyed tearing into the narrative."
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
"Great dialog and a compelling love story." --George Lucas
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
If I can expand this from "reviewer comments" to "anything on the cover that would drive you away" ...
In huge letters: ORSON SCOTT CARD Small letters: is going to be really pissed when he finds out I put his name on my book (ripped off from Team America) -- This was a book so beyond the bounds of the ordinary that no one else would publish it! And even we weren't too sure. -- WILLIAM SHATNER
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
"A plot not unlike Moby Dick. You will search for one till it kills you."
"I've been waiting for this book!" -- Samuel Beckett
"I loaned it to all my friends!" -- Jean Paul Sartre
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
"Not so much an essay on man as it is an analogy to Ramen noodles".
(I'm really hungry right now so sorry for all the food-related comments).
"Disturbing in a way not unlike how a McDonald's shake refuses to melt".
"Good in a way reminiscent of 3-day old pizza that HAS to be good because it is still in the original box"
Posted by Occasional (Member # 5860) on :
"I am sure to loan this to my friends. They will know what to do with it."
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
"I gave the book to a friend immediately after reading it--he barked at me and proceeded to tear into it voraciously."
"I loved this book...what's that, Bill? Oh, we're talking about the Card book? Oops, sorry..."
Posted by Exploding Monkey (Member # 7612) on :
"Busta Rhymes gives it two turn-tables out of five!"
"Worst...story...ever."
"Fantastic! His writing is on par with Lucas! A true master!"
"Now that you've seen the movie, read the book so you can HATE the movie!"
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
The plot smells like damp cardboard in a recycling bin.
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
"Remember, this book is printed on recyclable paper"
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
Exactly as many periods as there are sentences!
Special no-comma edition!
The only novel ever written entirely in conditional tense.
Booker Prize Winner!
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Author not responisble for zombification. Read at your own risk.
Si hablas espanol, opprime el numero dos.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
Reads like a time-share brochure!
If a picture is worth a thousand words, this book is easily worth one driver's license picture.
Every sentence ends in a preposition!
If you call it fiction, you can't be sued for libel.
The binding smells like vanilla!
Posted by 0range7Penguin (Member # 7337) on :
Couldn't care how it ended!
What is this book about?
For those who love the study of European Slug mating habits and reading in latin then we have the book for you!
Posted by aiua (Member # 7825) on :
"A must read for all you Donna Minkowitz fans out there!"
Posted by Dread Pendragon (Member # 7239) on :
"Look, your wife isn't going to get off your back until you read this. Stop postponing the inevitable."
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
"The book you would take with you to a deserted island... to start a signal fire with."
"Next time you need a suitable doorstop, look no further!"
"Finally! A modern retelling of the song, '99 Bottles of Beer'..."
Posted by Meshugener (Member # 7601) on :
"This is what happens when you mix three bottles of vodka and a typewriter"
Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
"They say that 1,000 monkeys with 1,000 typewriters and an undefined amount of time could eventually rewrite all the works of Shakespeare.
This book reads like it has the creativity of 5 monkeys with a typewriter and a bottle of vodka with only 45 minutes to write."
Posted by Lock and key (Member # 8073) on :
"If you've got nothing better to do, here is a book to fill the hours!"
Posted by Exploding Monkey (Member # 7612) on :
Hey Vadon!
What'cha got against monkeys?!!
[ May 24, 2005, 11:55 PM: Message edited by: Exploding Monkey ]
Posted by Occasional (Member # 5860) on :
"I laughed, I cried. Then I laughed and cried some more. Then I picked this book up."
Posted by Lock and key (Member # 8073) on :
"Better then any sleep medication on the market today"
Posted by Occasional (Member # 5860) on :
"You'll love the cover art. It has nothing to do with the book."
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
"My favorite part was the chapter titles--the most eloquent passages of the book."
"Kindergarteners everywhere give it two crayons up!"
Posted by B-HAX (Member # 6640) on :
"Guaranteed to pass Microsoft Office spell check! (Watch for Grammar check in next edition)"
"Spend hours and days posting inane comments to authors own Web fifedom!!"
Posted by Mahabarata (Member # 7664) on :
"Unlike everything else!"
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
"This book has sold tens of copies worldwide!"
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
One of those rare efforts which surpasses all expectaions. Hey...You weren't supposed to put this here. Hey, I'm talking to you. Put it back on "Lying Liars" -- Bill Clinton
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
99 44/100% Pure! -- Ivory President
It keeps going and going and going... -- Energizer President
SHIFT_Page -- Nissan President
iThink it sucks! -- Steve Jobs, Apple
This book enables enterprise solutions! -- Bill Gates
I wanna have Orson's babies! -- Jennifer Aniston
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Now I know my ABC's! -- 3Yr Old
Hooked on Orson worked for me! -- 7Yr Old
Dude...He's so like Whack! There's this phat scene where this dude crushes this dudes skull it. It's rat nasty!! -- 16Yr Old
No Comment. -- 35Yr Old
Whaaat? Speak up Sonny! You want my porclain to stop your car? -- 90Yr Old
Posted by aiua (Member # 7825) on :
The wake-up call I got at the end of this book was just what I needed to wake up from when I fell asleep at the beginning!
Posted by 0range7Penguin (Member # 7337) on :
The official book of Vietcong torture camps!
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
It's like a finch on steriods!
Dr. Seuss, eat your heart out!
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
The never ending story!
About a boy!
The return of the king!
Affliction!
Almost Famous!
Psycho!
Analyze This!
As Good As It Gets!
Basic!
A Beautiful Mind!
Big Fat Liar!
Bringing Out The Dead!
Cast Away!
Cheaper By The Dozen!
Chill Factor!
Dear God!
Deep Impact!
The Devil's Own!
Different For Girls!
Dogma!
Don't Say A Word!
Down To Earth!
Dumb and Dumber!
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Enigma!
Enough!
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!
An Everlasting Piece!
Excess Baggage!
Fast, Cheap, And Out Of Control!
Flawless!
Flubber!
Fools Rush In!
From Hell!
Get Over It!
Girl Interupted!
God Said Ha!
Gone With The Wind!
The Great White Hype!
A Guy Thing!
Half Baked!
He Got Game!
Hideous Kinky!
High Art!
Holes!
Hollow Man!
Hollywood Ending!
How Stella Got Her Groove Back!
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Idle Hands!
Imposter!
Insomnia!
Intolerable Cruelty!
Jeepers Creepers!
Jet Lag!
Joy Ride!
The Widowmaker!
Kicked in the Head!
Knock Off!
Larger Than Life!
Left Behind!
Levity!
Liar, Liar!
Lost In Translation!
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Man of the Century!
The Man Who Knew Too Little!
Mimic!
Miracle!
Mission Impossible!
Music of the Heart!
The New Guy!
The Opposite of Sex!
PayCheck!
The Pest!
Phenomenon!
The Punisher!
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Ravenous!
Requium For A Dream!
Ride With The Devil!
The Rookie!
Scream!
Senseless!
Simply Irrisistable!
Soul Food!
Still Crazy!
Striptease!
Swept Away!
A Thin Line Between Love and Hate!
The Third Miracle!
Topsy Turvy!
The Truth About Cats and Dogs!
Twisted!
200 Cigarettes!
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
Unfaithful!
Unforgettable!
Very Bad Things!
Virus!
A Walk on the Moon!
Waking the Dead!
What Dreams May Come!
Whatever!
What Planet Are You From?
Wide Awake!
XXX!
Zero Effect!
Posted by Hamson (Member # 7808) on :
Includes all 26 letters!
Still in black and white!
You'll think the authors name is the title!
Petra is not a terrible misspelling of Peter!
Posted by Starsnuffer (Member # 8116) on :
"All I want to know is why "
Posted by Starsnuffer (Member # 8116) on :
Chock-full of mind-numbing goodness!
Posted by SteveRogers (Member # 7130) on :
You'll want to take it to a Starbucks and, purposely, spill your gourmet coffee on it!
Only mistaken for toilet paper on good days!
All I can say is, "I can't think of anything to say!"
Beautifully written poorly.
I can't believe its not a novel!
A book that will be wonderful in therapy!
Posted by Starsnuffer (Member # 8116) on :
It wishes it didn't suck
Posted by Starsnuffer (Member # 8116) on :
quote:Originally posted by DarkKnight: This book has the appeal of Ewoks, Jar-Jar Binks, and Starship Troopers 2!
How dare you imply that the support of Ewoks could POSSIBLY be a bad thing. I mean just look how cute the babies are.
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
This book should be taught in classrooms nationwide...a prime example of 5-paragraph essay writing!
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
A book so astonishing, it prompted Von to write four hundred and twelve separate blurbs for the cover!
Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
An actual book jacket blurb:
"Vile, scabrous, unforgivable, and deserving of the widest possible audience." -- William Gibson.
Note: The book was unreadable.
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
(Which tells you what he thought of the widest possible audience.)
Like pus, this book is proof that the culture is trying to fight off a literary infection.
Posted by Peter Howell (Member # 8072) on :
The epic twelve book saga, now in this single 15000 page volume! Forklift sold seperately.
This [book]... was... [good]
I have one message for the author: "Way to grammar"
Posted by SteveRogers (Member # 7130) on :
This book, like a bean burrito, just won't go away.
I didn't even notice the words on the page!
I won't comment on the grounds that I'm temporarily without a lawyer.
Posted by AC (Member # 7909) on :
"Vile, scabrous, unforgivable, and deserving of the widest possible audience." -- William Gibson.
what book was this on?
Posted by Peter Howell (Member # 8072) on :
According to Google, he was referring to "Go Now" by Richard Hell
Posted by AC (Member # 7909) on :
thanks
Posted by Inspired (Member # 8130) on :
Better, more absorbant pages!
His competition paid me more than he did, so this book sucks!
If you have a third grade reading level, this book might be too easy for you.
It'll put hair on your chest!
Warning: Do not read if you are; pregnant, have back injuries, chronic asthma, a dog named Skippy, chronic allergies, have human contact for more than 5 minutes a day, or breath oxygen.
Posted by Hamson (Member # 7808) on :
You'll wish that you could of had children this cool!
Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
[Side note: The book "Go Now" by Richard Hell. Yes, this is the book. It's sitting here on my desk right now. Even though I said it was unreadable, I did read it. Guy spends the whole book trying to get fixed and sleeps with his own aunt at the end. It is not entertaining. Dude spends the whole book navel-gazing. I mean, literally, nothing happens. There are chapters where he cuts his own hair and then goes to a thrift store and buys clothes. It is utterly foolish and stupid.]
Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :
Like sands in an hour-glass, this book should not be read.
Posted by Miranda (Member # 7647) on :
Just in time for allergy season, this epic is printed on extra soft paper.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Read the book loved by Saddam Hussein!
The author shows a real talent for typing.
Keenly verbed, with a palpable and fierce dedication to adjectives. . .
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
"Weird. Just . . . absurd."-- Neil Gaiman
Posted by Peter Howell (Member # 8072) on :
I've never seen the word recreant used so many times in one sentence.
It's the new 100% palindrome edition!
Posted by Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged (Member # 7476) on :
Only one tree died to make this book.
Posted by Haloed Silhouette (Member # 8062) on :
Cheaper than you'd expect!
Sold at more than one thousand billion molecules.
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
"An inspiration to those who are afraid they won't get published."
Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
"You'll laugh. You'll cry. And then you'll blow your nose on the pages!"
"Very sharp edges. I give it two bloody thumbs up!"
"If you're looking for a thick book to walk around with so that people will think you're smart, this is the book for you!"
"I fuond no typus waht soeva!"
Posted by Hamson (Member # 7808) on :
quote: It's the new 100% palindrome edition!
I would so buy that... It would be insane.
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
"A real page-turner...after the first chapter I couldn't stop looking for something interesting!"
"Finally, a book written just for dyslexics!"
Posted by Exploding Monkey (Member # 7612) on :
"You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss twenty-five bucks goodbye."
"Endorsed by the League of Ineffective Literature."
"Try gargling with broken glass...you be much more entertained, and in much less pain."
"Pages made of cocaine for smuggling purposes. Please deliver in care of Tony Montana at 196 Bel..."
Posted by S.M.I.L.E. (Member # 8152) on :
"If you manage to finish the book you can write the review."
"This book is not intended for women who may be pregnant or are nursing. Please consult with a doctor before reading this book. Side effects may include- headache, nausea..."
"Its the best book I've ever read!" Mom
"This book has not been stripped, if the cover of this book is missing, its because its hiding from the story."
Posted by Von (Member # 1146) on :
"The other day I found a booger sticking between pages 78 and 79. I can only conclude that my seven year old is enjoying it as much as I am."
Posted by Haloed Silhouette (Member # 8062) on :
"The only book written so well that it makes you believe that taking over the Chinese Empire with a pen is actually possible" (Inspired by chapter 1 of SotG).
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
"Certain to be a breeding ground for silverfish."
"Brings to mind Bradbury's Farenheit 451. For all the wrong reasons."
"An eloquent look into the minds of the young and a statement about man's inhumanity to... Oh, dear God. I'm a book reviewer. Is this all a M.A. in English Lit comes down to? Is it?!"
"If you only read one book this year... Read this one, too."
"The author lives at 221 Southwest Main Street, Madison, Wisconsin. Do what must be done."
"A Barnes & Noble Rapid Markdown Selection."
"For this, you paid $25? What's the matter with you?"
Posted by Mallaien (Member # 8170) on :
"The novels of Orson Scott Card create a intriguing combination of gastronomical themes it warrents its own brand of medication" -Proctology Today
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
"Remember ... this book is printed on 100% recyclable paper."
Posted by AMCSteel (Member # 6321) on :
"Much Better then His last Abortion of Literature."
Posted by AMCSteel (Member # 6321) on :
"The Writers grasp of the English Language exceeds even our Current President."
Posted by AMCSteel (Member # 6321) on :
quote:Originally posted by LTC DuBois: Can't remember where I heard this one.
"Once I picked this book up I couldn't set it down. I had to hurl it across the room."
I have actually Hurled some of my FAVORITE books across the room. I was that ingrossed in the charecters.
Posted by AMCSteel (Member # 6321) on :
"This is the First Complilation of Spam E-mail Every Created. Quite Riviting*"
*for those looking for Male enhancement drugs for cheap.
Posted by AMCSteel (Member # 6321) on :
"Don't let the tree die in Vain."
Posted by AMCSteel (Member # 6321) on :
"We have not seen a book of such literary brilliance since 'Dick and Jane'."
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
Better than the magazines in the doctor's waiting room - take this book along next time you have an appointment.
Posted by AMCSteel (Member # 6321) on :
More fun then a Root Canal
Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
"The best novel to be released by this publishing company since the last one!"
Posted by R. Ann Dryden (Member # 8186) on :
Reads like a McGonagall poem! Is on a par with a Florence Foster Jenkins concert! Ed Wood is interested in directing the movie version!
Posted by alluvion (Member # 7462) on :
You're only reading this because the cover was such a downer.
Posted by DavidGill (Member # 8166) on :
"He could do worse, I guess."
"Reading this book is like kissing your sister!"
"Feh."
"Remember to keep your receipt."
"That adage about the chimp and the typewriter? This novel is proof it works!"
"Makes a nice parting gift."
Posted by Mr_Megalomaniac (Member # 7695) on :
"Make sure to bring it with you to the bathroom, and no, not for reading."
"Run away!"
"A book so bad not even Hollywood will be able to make it worse."
"This comment wrote literate more over book on, yes."
Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
"Better than 'Go Now' by Richard Hell!"
"Takes the basic concepts of 'Saving Private Ryan' and turns them into a hilarious, farcical romp!"
"Almost as well-written as my ten year old's diary!"
Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
"I loved it! Very well-written!" -- Harry Knowles.
"A terrific novel about the virtues of non-violent protest!" -- Charles Manson.
"Perfectly illustrates the argument for abstinence! Young people will love it!" -- Paris Hilton.
Posted by Haloed Silhouette (Member # 8062) on :
Did you hear about the experiment of 'how does reading work' where there were many spelling mistakes in the middle of words and they testd how fast you could read and how much you noticed? This is the implmentation!
Even the priests' swearing is in correct grammar - unlike colloquial books!
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
Will look lovely on your shelves, and looks like it would be easy to dust.
Perfect for filibuster sessions!
Posted by DavidGill (Member # 8166) on :
"The perfect read for insomniacs!"
Posted by Soara (Member # 6729) on :
Actually, I could put this book down.
Posted by Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged (Member # 7476) on :
"If you were looking for a reason to hate reading, this is your book!"
Posted by AMCSteel (Member # 6321) on :
The High quality paper bound in this book is without a doubt one of this books greatest virtues.
Posted by Judas (Member # 7355) on :
"Book Funny!"
-Judas
(yes, it's been forever since my last post and this is what I came back to write..)
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
"The perfect addition to a bon fire"
Posted by Haloed Silhouette (Member # 8062) on :
In regards to the previous post:
"Now on a special sale! Pay $99.99 extra and get a bottle of oil FREE!"
Posted by Dread Pendragon (Member # 7239) on :
"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"
Posted by Dread Pendragon (Member # 7239) on :
"If you don't like it, you can always use it to torture detainees."
HELP for the reader whose read everything. I'VE read a lot of books, but never BEEN so engaged in a plot. It KIDNAPPED my imagination.
Am I dead? Is this hell?
Posted by Haloed Silhouette (Member # 8062) on :
ONLY $9.95 after a $1,690.05 MAIL IN REBATE!
Posted by Randy (Member # 8181) on :
Searching for a low-stress way to end a relationship? Give 'em this book (for best results, underline and bookmark the second paragraph on page 17)!
Posted by Dink (Member # 1185) on :
"Well, it's not Shakespeare..."
Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
"I know romance novels are supposed to be trashy, but I've never felt so inclined to throw something into the garbage."
"This book is amazing... for something written in only four hours."
Posted by Hamson (Member # 7808) on :
"It's just as good in a language you don't understand!"
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
"Burt Reynolds says 'Two Thumbs Up!'"
"It made my fingers dance!" - Braille Monthly
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
Read any passage from this book aloud and be the life of the party.
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
"Almost comparable to the sheer excitement of the Scarlett Letter"
Posted by Void (Member # 8259) on :
"A book whose language, characters and plot will redefine the word 'crap' for generations of readers!"
[ June 22, 2005, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: Void ]
Posted by Feiwaltan (Member # 7912) on :
a book so great you will call it another religion
the words are so powerful they literally leap from the pages
a great read when your on the go
once you finish reading it please let me know what the plot is
just strap the 6000 pages to your chest for a bulletproof vest
its great for knocing sense in to people, literally
it makes a grea baseball bat or a tennis racket
now the hardcover cna be used as a bike helmet
the books new sented pages will drive your friends and family away
when the dentist wants to put a led bib over your balls tell him "no thanks i brought my own"
makes a great wedding gift
great for making your biceps stronger
you can use it at your next stand-up show to defend yourself from the bottes they throw at you
now comes with a medical kit
dont worry it will make you cry, it will make you mad, it will make you say things like "why" and "what did i do to deserve this".
disclaimer: my spelling ability is limited Posted by tanman1975 (Member # 1444) on :
"You will enjoy this book or double our money back!"
Posted by Miriam (Member # 8351) on :
Twice as long as the previous book eighteen books in the series.
Posted by Peter Howell (Member # 8072) on :
The novelization of the movie inspired by the video game based on the boardgame derived from the collectable card game create in conjunction with the tv show created to compete with Pokemon.
Now with 25% more blasphemy
Posted by Mindbowels (Member # 7407) on :
"Only murder-mystery I know of that has scratch-and-sniff crime scenes!"
Posted by DavidGill (Member # 8166) on :
"Softer than the Sears and Roebuck catalog!"
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
Check out the ads in the back!
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
For all you flower collectors--here's the book you've been waiting for! A prodigious number of pages makes it heavy enough to press your flowers, and it doesn't matter if the ink becomes unreadable--it will likely make the story better than before!
Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 8295) on :
Winner of three awards at his local elementary school.
Something great to buy for someone you hate.
Twice as absorbant as the other leading brand.
Posted by Junkman (Member # 8076) on :
Dr. Frederick Wertham's said his writing seduced me from beginning to end.
Posted by sands (Member # 8344) on :
quote:Originally posted by LTC DuBois: This doesn't really fit the topic but I just read this quote from the Dude.
"The academic-literary elite prefers literature that cannot be properly understood unless you have your secret English Department Decoder Ring."
he's right you know. that's why kids read Ender's game, cause OSC doesn't play games
Posted by sands (Member # 8344) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jonathan K.: The enemy's gate is DOWN. (You know i never fully understood the significance of that quote.)
Ender was telling dragon to reorient themselves so the enemy's gate was below them. it's a lot easier to move quickly if you think your falling instead of moving horizontally
Posted by BeanDelphki (Member # 8357) on :
If I had to read this or a French dictonary I'd choose the dictonary and I can't read French.
Posted by Peter Howell (Member # 8072) on :
It's the new Klingon edition
Posted by Mary Robinette (Member # 8388) on :
"Nice font."
Posted by Brian J. Hill (Member # 5346) on :
Intriguing plot, well-drawn characters, witty dialogue, proper use of the work "whom," great imagery, thought-proving themes--well, 1 out of 6 ain't that bad.
When you go before a judge, THIS is the book they throw at you!
Posted by llodlean (Member # 2057) on :
A sequal as necessary as Cruel Intentions 3.
Stories come in books now? WOW!
I never forget a good tale, but in this case I'll make an exception (with apologies to Groucho Marx)
I've been called a lot of negative things in my time. I'd now like to apply them to this work.
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
Hold out for the abridged version.
Posted by Franz Plath (Member # 8386) on :
Never have letters looked..... um.... so pretty in this particular order before!!!!!
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
*SPOILER*
It's a 3-page murder investigation; it has two characters in it and one of them dies on page two.
*/SPOILER*
From "Throw Momma Off The Train".
Posted by Peter Howell (Member # 8072) on :
Presenting the all new scratch-and-sniff review system. Just scratch the reviewer's name to get a whiff of the scent which they feel embodies this book.
Posted by PUNJABEE (Member # 7359) on :
"I read it."
"meh."
"Someone's gonna read this."
Posted by Roseauthor (Member # 148) on :
So far ahead of it's time, that public schools can't dummy down enough to calculate when this will be timely.
Posted by Ayren (Member # 7317) on :
"Makes a great hat!"
"Whatever Card was smoking when he wrote this will soon become the classic drug of our time"
"QWFDSAFCXZCD!!!!"
"Oh crap somebody summarize this book for me I didn't read it and I have to do a review ........... hey are you writing this down?"
Posted by MandyM (Member # 8375) on :
Just read your tea leaves instead.
Better than watching the grass grow.
Almost as good as Spongebob!
No actual 6-year-olds were injured in the course of writing this book... oh wait, except one.
Harry Potter is not in this book.
The butler did it.
She runs off with his brother at the end.
Buy it on ebay.
This review has been censored by the FCC.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
Fits nicely in your back pocket.
This prose makes Kant read like a first grade primer.
Made from 100% non-recycled paper!
Written entirely in the passive voice!
All pages are numbered for your convenience!
Posted by Treason (Member # 7587) on :
The cover is a lovely shade of blue!
Read to George W, who said he loved it!
The story reminds me of that wonderful movie Plan 9 From Outer Space!
Written while the author was naked!
Posted by andi330 (Member # 8572) on :
quote:Originally posted by Orson Scott Card: This book does for sex what Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle" did for meat.
I couldn't eat meat for a week after reading that book!
Posted by andi330 (Member # 8572) on :
"I Loved It!" Fred Phelps
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
A veritable YawnFest!
Posted by Mark (Member # 6393) on :
quote:"Brings to mind Bradbury's Farenheit 451. For all the wrong reasons."
ROFLMAO
I just thought that one deserved repeating.
Posted by Dread Pendragon (Member # 7239) on :
Finally someone wrote "The Infidel's Guide to the Koran." Don't be thrown by the subtitle, IED stands for "improvised explanatory device."
(God is great)
Do NOT open this book unless you are an infidel pig.
(Praise Allah)
[ September 20, 2005, 02:57 AM: Message edited by: Dread Pendragon ]
Posted by Paco_The_Insane (Member # 8263) on :
Every citizen of the PRC give it two thumbs up.
Exactly like when you wake up in the middle of the night and know something so important you have to write it down. Then in the morning it says "not the food, the dog!" and you have no idea what it means. Only starting at the second sentence.
They should get the makers of Napoleon Dynamite to make this into the sequel.
The main character is the king of the fairies!
Posted by hiro1000 (Member # 6905) on :
So dam bad, you have to read it.
Who wrote this crap?
Its so bad, its actually written in french! ( I am french by the way)
This book is so great, it makes High School Kids go nuts.
Posted by Irregardless (Member # 8529) on :
Countless vowels, and even more consonants!
Posted by Dread Pendragon (Member # 7239) on :
I read this in braile and my fingers are showing signs of leprosy.
Posted by JemmyGrove (Member # 6707) on :
quote: Is on a par with a Florence Foster Jenkins concert!
You know Florence?!? I'm so impressed. Truly a classic in its own right. There are things in this world whose enormous value lies in how truly, uniquely awful they are. It's something like the circular universe model: if you go far enough down the scale of bad, you eventually come out the other side as good.
Maybe someone should work that into a review. Nevermind. Someone probably has already.
Posted by Treason (Member # 7587) on :
"Adverbs! Lots and lots of adverbs!"
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
MAILBOXES: A Celebration! is exactly what it sounds like!
Posted by Dread Pendragon (Member # 7239) on :
From the moment I picked it up until I sat it back down I couldn't stop laughing. Someday I intend to read it. (Groucho Marx?)
Posted by Dread Pendragon (Member # 7239) on :
Wait for the audiobook to come out, and hopefully before then you'll die an untimely death.
Posted by Dannighe (Member # 7831) on :
The first chapter made me skip right to the end!
Posted by cagreat1 (Member # 8511) on :
Thank you God it was only 200 pages!
Posted by Dannighe (Member # 7831) on :
I'm sure the writer has a nice personality!
Posted by SpEeDMaSTeR (Member # 7568) on :
Full of Portuguese phrases that you won't be able to understand!
A book that is 100% guaranteed to yellow with age!
Now contains Splenda!
¿Habla Engles?
An incredible example of a book for those looking to compare books on opposite ends of the writing spectrum. We won't let you know which end.
Great for losing weight! The constant breaks I took while being forced to read this book gave me more excercise than the past month!
You won't be able to put this book down... due to the long lasting glue that you just put your right hand in.
Posted by chuck7 (Member # 8645) on :
The last one was better, but this one give alot more context.
Once you get use to the bad dialog its really not that bad.
Trucks could not drive through these plot holes... they are only man sized!
Posted by ThePygmalionEffect (Member # 8649) on :
"Will change your life the way the bible never could"
Posted by Kasberg (Member # 8651) on :
"A perfect gift for your mother-in-law!"
Posted by DavidGill (Member # 8166) on :
"Best book on the remainder table."
Posted by Nomolos (Member # 7703) on :
Budget edition: Only includes the best chapters."
[ September 25, 2005, 11:20 PM: Message edited by: Nomolos ]
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
"Soon to be a major motion picture from Uwe Boll"
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
<insert filler comment here - Ed.>
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
"Jaw-dropping, mind-bending, hernia-inducing, appendix-bursting."
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Reaches a climax at the point where they tell which font was used.
I cared so much about the characters, I felt sorry they had to be in this book.
I tried to mail this to someone "book" rate and the postal inspector came after me for mail fraud. I pled guilty.
Hey, ever notice how when you're staring at a page of text, and your eyes go all out of focus, you'll start to see jagged lines running up and down the page. Check out p. 54 -- it's really cool.
This just goes to show what one monkey, on one typewriter, working for 15 minutes can be expected to contribute to the world's literary tradition. (sorry, a slight variation on one from p. 1 of the thread).
Once a generation a story like this gets told, and then everyone realizes why it just isn't done and we can relax for another twenty years.
I learned a lot about myself by the time I'd finished this book. I learned I have the patience of a saint and that my IQ is not nearly as high as it was when I began.
I would recommend blasting this book into space, but I'm afraid some advanced culture will get ahold of it and, quite understandably, decide that humankind should be eliminated for the good of the Universe.
On my doctor's advice, I have had the neurons that participated in reading this book surgically removed. They were dead already.
Who knew anesthesia came in paperback form?
I drilled a hole in it just to see the sap run out. Imagine my surprise when the author emerged.
This is the best murder mystery I've ever encountered. How it can be that no one has yet ended the life of the author is the profoundest mystery of them all.
I'm mailing this to my aunt Gertrude. I'm sole beneficiary and this should just about do the trick.
I left this book on the train and the rest of the passengers hunted me down and made me take it back.
Now we know why lemmings leap off cliffs in such large numbers. For the sake of the species' survival, please don't show them this book again.
Sentences so twisted they actually cut through the middle of the pages and leave an exit wound at the back of the book.
If we quickly invent a new language and all switch to it without letting the author know, there may be hope for civilization yet.
This book proves that machines can write books. This one was written by a lawnmower. With a mulching blade.
I had a friend who liked this book. We can't be friends anymore.
I had to chain myself to the desk to force myself to read this thing. I gnawed my own foot off to get away.
I heard a quite believable rumor that the first draft was written in crayon.
Expressing enjoyment of this book is now listed in DSM IV as one of the warning signs for serious mental illness.
My cat peed on this book before I had a chance to read it. That cat's a lifesaver.
Light bends around this prose.
This book has done wonders for my outlook on the future. I now look forward to the world-wide paper shortage.
It caused me to change all my dreams and aspirations. Now, I just want to be like Helen Keller...long dead.
Posted by Treason (Member # 7587) on :
Goodness! Nice.
Posted by tmservo (Member # 8552) on :
"All of the pages were in order."
"The binding used non-animal product binding glue. A definite plus!"
"The Author has a great, almost caligraphic signature in his opening note."
"Uses the word 'Maelstrom' so often you'd think it was Coca-Cola"
"A wondrously cheap per dose epicac"
"Three hours of your life you'll never have back!"
"Much cheaper then any book on my recommended list."
"Very safe to hide money or other items in from prying eyes."
"Just putting it on your desk makes you seem more intellectual; but reading it tends to make you less so."
"Unbelievably accurate kerning throughout."
"Works great as a doorstop."
"If dropped, deadly against 9/10 insects tested upon."
Posted by tmservo (Member # 8552) on :
From a real book:
"Sickening. Demented. By the time you get to the dog-raping scene, you know this is something different. A Must read for the cyberpunk generation!"
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
"You remember that study that said something like half of America hadn't read anything longer than a TV Guide synopsis in a year? Books like this are why."
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
A book no one else would dare publish, and even we weren't too sure!
At last, a detective novel everyone can solve!
Posted by human_2.0 (Member # 6006) on :
Surgeon General's Warning: this book may cause serious brain damage.
At last, a book EVERYONE can agree should be banned!
Posted by human_2.0 (Member # 6006) on :
Best seller. Nothing can get through this book. Army is using it as bullet proof vests. President is having his nuclear bomb shelter lined with copies. Now selling in bulk.
(I'm stealing this next quote from Mr. Card)
"I'd rather watch the names erode off tombstones" than read this book.
Posted by human_2.0 (Member # 6006) on :
Although intended as contemporary fiction, this book is now popular amongst the assisted suicide community as reading it causes instant death. Needless to say, I didn't read it.
Perfect gift for the ex-spouse.
Posted by Jebu (Member # 8718) on :
"Everything you wanted to know about the author's beliefs, expressed through monotonous dialogue between two-dimensional characters."
"I'm the author's friend, and I'm doing him a favor by praising this book. It's good. If you don't believe me, go buy the book and see for yourself!"
Posted by GaalD (Member # 6222) on :
If you love the Harry Potter series, you'll probably hate this book!
Posted by GaalD (Member # 6222) on :
Just read this book. What's the worst that can happen?
Posted by GaalD (Member # 6222) on :
Incredibly written! I was completely shocked when the main character dies at the end!
Posted by Avery Good Schreibner (Member # 8772) on :
Incredible! Hot as a hemorrhoid in summer.
Action packed, rivals a snail crawling across a hot sidewalk.
Absorbing. Sponge Bob ain't got nothing on this one.
Modern classic tale inspired by monkeys at typewriters.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
The author weilds a pen with scalpel-like precision. It's not his fault that the patient died.
Could've been written by Shakespeare. In fact, pages 45-73 were.
Changed my life. Changed my name and address too. They still found me and made me review this tripe.
Every time someone buys this book, an angel gets its wings... ...ripped off at the shoulder blades.
Posted by Assassin Link (Member # 8817) on :
This book will make you try to fly This book will make you shoot yourself
Posted by Assassin Link (Member # 8817) on :
This book causes sleep disorters
I was shocked when it turned out that ender killed the buggers and thought it was a game! Thumbs up
here is my number
Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
This is a real one from the autobiography of Nevil Shute, "The most exciting book about an engineer you'll ever read!"
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
Fully Compostable!
A wonderful gift for destructive toddlers.
Trying to house train your puppy? This book will help...your carpets.
Posted by Avery Good Schreibner (Member # 8772) on :
Plot based on old stories as told by tea leaves.
Hi. My name is Lenny. I like this book. It makes me sit taller.
A real page turner. She loves me, she loves me not; she loves me, she loves me not; she loves me....
Handy for hunters and hikers. More compact than a roll of toilet paper.
This book has really leveled things out in my life. It fits perfectly under my desk leg where the foot fell off.
This book is the ultimate macho man detector - if he can rip it in half with his bare hands, you've got a real macho man. (Wimps can bench press it.)
Posted by Reticulum (Member # 8776) on :
"Great for headhunters!"
"Think your 8 year old son has bad grammar? Read This!"
"It's so bad, you'll get cancer!"
"Once you read this, cheese will exlode from your nostrils!"
"What really happens when people fall asleep on their computer and hit the keyboard."
"The greatest work of Scientific Mediocrety of the last 8 minutes.!
"Want to die? Read this!"
"It's so good, it'll cure lymphoma!"
"Warning: May cause the supreme dislike of OSC and anything with those initials. (Including the Obtuse Scar Club)"
"!"
"Once you read this book, you'll be cured of Hippopotomenstrosesquippeddaliophobia!!! Oh wait, AHHHHH!!!!!!!"
"Goes great with fries and a coke."
"Now with less Jargon, Surprise, and calories!"
"Now with more fibery goodness."
"20% more vomiting!"
"Warning: May suddenly have cravings for fried rodents, plastic, light sockets and playdoh!"
"You've never read a book about a kid named ENDER before!'
"Buy now and save $50!"
"I'm out of jokes!"
Posted by Reticulum (Member # 8776) on :
Or...
"Orson Scott Card definitly doesn't not somewhat hate this book!"
Posted by Javelin (Member # 8643) on :
"I'm sure SOMEONE liked this one... maybe it'll be you!"
Posted by Alchemist449 (Member # 8808) on :
"Big enough to kill bugs! A great secondary use to those of us who don't want to hire an exterminator!"
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I look forward to the author's meteoric rise. In fact, I'll contribute heavily to any program that involves launching him into space. Preferably sans spaceship.
This book made me ponder the details of library science. Specifically, I'm hoping there are ways to encourage paper to rot prematurely.
Posted by Occasional (Member # 5860) on :
A book so bad that even vanity publishers wouldn't accept it. It really had to be self-published.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
The excellent use of the word "widdershins" has me all higgledy-piggledy.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
"What we've all been waiting for! Literary evidence that great books do not need end punctuation!"
" A real guilty pleasure. Reading this book drove me mad, and I had to kill somebody to scrub the words from my mind."
"Reading this book backwards is an incantation to the Devil. And it really works!"
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Wrestles with all the big issues of our day, and loses.
Posted by frogcat (Member # 8862) on :
"For someone who's been teaching creative writing to teenagers for years, this book made me realize that my students weren't so bad after all."
... hmmm... what about reviewers who are bad writers? they'd never make it to a book jacket either...
"The purpose of this review is to review this book. This book is entitled Magic Street. "
"I liked this book because it was good"
"I didn't like this book just because."
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
"I prefer books shaped like animals."
"Reading between the lines, you'll notice that this book was written on recycled paper."
Posted by GaalD (Member # 6222) on :
I loved this book! Well, it was pretty good. OK, I guess. It could've been better to say the least. It was average...OK it was horrible.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Notice: If your purchased this book without a cover, you missed the best part.
(of course, if they didn't have the cover, they couldn't be reading that comment. It's sort of a paradox, if you think about it.)
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
Do it yourself literature. We supply the cover, you supply the rest.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
Great Bathroom reading, with soft pages
I couldn't put this book down, fast enough
The book perfectly captured the confusion and angst of my teenage years
I laughed, I cried, I fired my agent
This book is easily recyclable, makes a great gift to blind friends, and the pages are numbered correctly
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I am a firm believer in the rule that every book deserves to be read at least twice. Once by the author and once by a skllled editor (usually a long-suffering relative of the author). I also firmly believe that there are appropriate exceptions to every rule. This is one.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Who would have thought that the alphabet could be used in such an excruciating manner?
The author uses words as if he knew a lot of them!
The tension builds right to the very last page, at which point the drill bit bites through the back cover and you have a nice, neat hole!
The feel-good novel of the year! I feel so good knowing I didn't write that load of crap!
Posted by D. James Larkin (Member # 8865) on :
quote:Originally posted by Orson Scott Card: Gave me hives!
As fast-paced as diarrhea!
Just the right number of verbs!
The best writing ever produced by a grammar-checker!
That poor student... just put all 4 on it. Better to be honest with them now than have them try again.
Posted by RunningBear (Member # 8477) on :
Cures all phobias! nothing you have seen before can compare!
Excellent for persuading children to learn another language!
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
This novel has made of me a true believer in slavery and fascism as positive forces. At least, I'm now convinced by the very fact that this book was published that the free market has failed us utterly and it's time to enforce some discipline on the whole enterprise.
Posted by Stone_Wolf_ (Member # 8299) on :
I laughed til I stopped!
Like a frontal lobotomy with a dust jacket!
Even the cliff notes were too long!
A book which strongly deserves to be abridged!
Voted #1 read by the Sadomasochist Society of America!
Posted by toshiro (Member # 8894) on :
Nearly tastes like chicken.
Will make your brain fart.
The Dialog was written well, especially so for the mime character.
A standard for all text books.
Larry Moe and Curly's cautionary tale about the plight of an Ostrich Farmer about to lose his farm at the hands of an industry giant who uses 'small folk' to produce amusements for children. The Farmer faces threats of aerial bombardment by the dangerous yet cute flying antler circus. L M and C run around and desperately try to catch the dirty bombs in pails before the Ostriches are pelted and utterly demorilized.
Posted by Peek (Member # 7688) on :
Peek Approved.
Posted by Reticulum (Member # 8776) on :
"Gerp de Berp de schmerbity urp!"
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
You should let this book age like a fine wine. Or vinegar.
This is a book best reserved for special occassions, such as Armageddon or when you find out that your accountant has been embezzling. It'll make those problems seem trivial in comparison.
An extremely powerful book -- I'd estimate 3.7 therms upon complete combustion.
Some have judged this novel suitable only as fish wrap. I think it prudent to qualify this by stating that it depends entirely on which kind of fish.
It is the thought that there might've been books like this in the collection that gives some small measure of solace as I mourn the loss of the library at Alexandria.
Remember when I warned you after this author's first book? Well, see! I told you not to encourage him.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
The prose equivalent of a two-hour drum solo.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Not since Dante's Inferno have so many readers come so close to experiencing hell.
If you can only read 10,000 books this week, you might consider this one for your list.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
The one advantage I can imagine from having finished this book is that I no longer have trouble pronouncing words like Mrpxp!vnckjvr. In fact, all words sound like Mrpxp!vnckjvr to me now.
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
A coffee table book, suitable for use as a coaster.
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
(Scopatz, "inferno" and "drum solo" blow me away! I'm desperate to write the books to deserve those encomiums!)
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Thanks!
As my mother would say "Stop that, you'll only encourage him."
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I took it out of the library. They thanked me and bricked off the shelf.
Posted by dantesparadigm (Member # 8756) on :
I you're looking for a heavy blunt object perfect for beating someone unconscious, this book is perfect; otherwise... not so much.
If you only burn one book this year, make it this one.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
The author was paid in copies. He refused them.
Posted by human_2.0 (Member # 6006) on :
The author was paid with the corpses of those who read this book and promptly died.
Posted by Hyperfried (Member # 7892) on :
"The New York Times best-selling book that only got there because of bribery."
"The new substitute to laxatives!"
"Best used as kindling, not reading material."
Posted by Eva Scrye (Member # 8960) on :
"...not...that...bad..."
Here's an obscure one: "Comes highly recommended by Jack Chick!"
"Just when you think it's getting good, you realize you were reading the author's bio on the back cover, but couldn't distinguish it from the rest of the book."
The Guardian Eva Scrye
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
This plot wouldn't thicken if you dumped a whole truckload of cornstarch in it.
Reads like the novelization of the back of that tag one finds in shirts.
Way beyond gripping and well into debilitating abdominal cramps.
Islamic leaders have issued a fatwah calling upon the faithful to raise their left eyebrows at this author. o_0
Posted by davjonz (Member # 8962) on :
Winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest three years running!
Posted by Penta (Member # 8950) on :
Winner of the Booker Award for Worst Sex in a novel!
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
The author's philosphy rings through like the cheap electronic door chimes at a Chinese take-out.
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
The letter Z occurs 4332 times.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
-- primarily because the author fell asleep and his nose hit the keyboard.
Posted by Eva Scrye (Member # 8960) on :
Heh, nice one Bob.
"Might spontaneously combust in an act of literary suicide!"
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
This is a book that takes careful aim, fires, and still manages to fatally stab itself. . .
Upon further consideration, I feel it is my duty to alert the reader that the above is NOT a metaphor.
Posted by Dasa (Member # 8968) on :
Uplifting...like hot air.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
"Just when I thought I was out. It pulled me back in"
"you'll be talking smack about this book for weeks"
"100 weeks and still not on the Ny times best seller list"
"Not as bad as Orson Scott Card" -(the logic of this one is unclear even to me, thus unlikely?)
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
This book belongs in a time capsule so that people in the future can open it up and wonder what the heck we were thinking.
Sweetly nostalgic in a cyclamate kind of way.
Posted by HectorVictor (Member # 9003) on :
"A great substitute for sleeping pills!"
"This...book...was...bad[great]!"
"A great White Elephant gift!"
"Considering suicide? Not the book for you!"
The classic: "The best part was the end!"
"I was suprised to find that, by the time I finished it, I had knawed off my right arm!"
"What book is this again? (oh, woops, forgot the !) !"
Posted by Stone_Wolf_ (Member # 8299) on :
"My eyes have fallen out of my head, please help me!"
"Better then the scrip of Oliver Stone's 'Alexander'!"
"Surgeon Generals's Warning: Do not read this book if you are pregnant, breast feeding or ovulating."
"This book contains letters which form words and is therefore officially considered literature."
"The Library of Congress has awarded this book the prestigious award of 'ISBN: 9-076-67588-4'!"
"This book is considered cruel and unusual punishment by the Geneva Convention!"
Posted by Descolada Survivor (Member # 9019) on :
-slams head on keyboard- thats so awsome!!!!!
Posted by Descolada Survivor (Member # 9019) on :
"well thats 2 weeks of my life im never getting back"
"looking for a intense read? read something else"
"side effects: explosive diarrhea, anorexia, severe narcolepsy, and heart attack or stroke, if you experiance more than two of these symtoms at once discontinue use of this book"
"waiting for a bus is more exiting"
"i think it was a good book but i was only awake for the first 5 pages"
"pure crap"
"why he wrote a second or third book utterly escapes me"
"if you read this book all the way through you deserve a purple heart"
"Orsons Non-Exploding Books, Warning: book my spontaniously combust"
"the only thing this book is good for is beating yourself to death after wasting half your life reading it"
"makes a great paperweight"
"you'd find more context trying to read a brick" (i should be doing my work right now )
[ January 11, 2006, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: Descolada Survivor ]
Posted by Descolada Survivor (Member # 9019) on :
"this book was comprised of many........words"
Posted by Descolada Survivor (Member # 9019) on :
"you better buy more copies winters gonna be cold this year"
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
The novel that killed off the Oprah Book Club
"Based on a shorter book that was better written."
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
"Place book in microwave for 99 minutes and 99 seconds on high, and walk away."
Posted by vonk (Member # 9027) on :
"Now featuring several words!"
Posted by oolung (Member # 8995) on :
this thriller was so scary I had to push it out of my memory!
extraordinary! Such a simple plot expressed in such complicated words!
Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
"A highly unusual sequence of words!"
Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
"Makes a great Dirty Santa gift!"
Posted by Topher (Member # 9028) on :
The cast of Laguna Beach gave it 5 stars! (perhaps too close to the mark *scarred*)
Brings the art of crayon drawings masterfuly to life.
The jacket illustrations really are amazing.
If you need a break from good literature, this is your book.
The type is big and easy to read.
It's what kept Charles Manson going.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
It is the "spork" of literature.
Posted by Descolada Survivor (Member # 9019) on :
"an extremely imaginitive boo- wait we're talking about (insert book here)?"
Posted by HectorVictor (Member # 9003) on :
"It says, 'UGGGGGGHHHHHGHGHHHHH', but why would the book reviewer write UUGGHHHH?"
Gimme a smilie if you get the allusion.
Posted by Descolada Survivor (Member # 9019) on :
" slightly more intense then watching paint dry"
"if you had a choice of either reading this book or watching grass grow, choose the grass"
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Readers Digest 'condensed' this book to the essential bits...it appeared in November's issue as one of those footnote jokes they use as filler.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
" Just the Solution you've been looking for, for a little extra fiber in your diet!"
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