This is topic The OSC as Thread in forum Discussions About Orson Scott Card at Hatrack River Forum.

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Posted by Gecko (Member # 8160) on :
Based on OCS's readers care thread. Would be a good idea to post one comparison per post so all the prolific authors don't get used up before everyone has a chance.

OSC as Hemingway:

Ender blew up the buggers. The bugggers were gone.
Posted by calaban (Member # 2516) on :

The buggers are a threat to earth,
So authorize tabooed third birth.

Even though he may not be accepted
His parents intellects respected.

So into orbit he will go
And bounce in battle rooms to and fro

Fighting the stupid, useless and the jaded
While called undersized and overrated

The invasion now is getting close
The fleet in need of healthy dose

Of geniuses of Rackmans stature
The teachers need to speed departure

To break the game, and make the name
To save the earth and take the blame

So off to war our hero goes
Though only he who teaches knows.

Through simulations, scenarios and philotic relations
He unknowingly guides the fleet to their final destinations.

And so he found the victory,
Through guts and brains and trickery

He killed the buggers where they spawn
The war is over, the threat is gone

Even though the buggers he defeated
he found the way to earth impeded

and so to space he turned his gaze
journeying to distant stars ablaze

he found a species that once was feared
by those to whom they had appeared

he rescued the sole surviving member
writing so people would remember.

To hate the buggers was a fad
I see now buggers are not bad

The buggers died I am not glad.
And so you see why I am sad.

I would not kill them with a plan
I will not kill them though I can,

I’ll take them hence, out into space
And find their home; another place.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
OSC as Snorre :


John-Paul hight a man, who dwelt by the river Ohio in Vinland. His wife was called Theresa, and she bore him three children; their names were Peter, Valentine and Andrew. Now the youngest of these was a great warrior. In his childhood he fought another boy, called Stilson, and with his bare hands he killed him. For this reason men called him Ender.


North of Earth lies a great realm of many stars, with rich fields, great rivers, and warriors numerous as grass. The men who live there are black of hue, and wear no armour in battle; but their skin is hard as iron, and protects them as well as any brynje. For this reason they are called buggers, and the men of Earth hate and fear them above any other foe.


Now at this time the king of Earth was at war with Bugger-land; and therefore when he heard of Ender's fight with Stilson, he said "Let us see this boy, who kills with his bare hands; for we have need of such warriors." And he sent a man of his guard called Graff to invite Ender into his army; and this Ender accepted.


Now at the King's farm Ender trained with many weapons, and he became skilled with all of them, and all the hird acknowledged him as the best fighter. But there were also some who were jealous of his skill and of the favour of the King; but after Ender killed one of these in a holmgang, there were none who dared challenge him openly. Soon after this, Ender became chief of the King's guard.


Now at this time the King of Earth was campaigning in Bugger-land, and he sent for Ender to join him, and gave him command of a large army. And Ender soon showed himself worthy of the King's trust, winning many battles by clever stratagems; and in this wise the buggers were driven back to their final stronghold. But now the King's armies were depleted, for as it was harvest-time many had left to attend their estates; and of those who were left, few thought they could carry the bugger citadel. But Ender gave this counsel : "Sire King, if you give me four men, I shall bring down the bugger queen." And this the King consented to, for he had great confidence in Ender's skill.

Now Ender knew that he could not carry walls so strongly held by storm, whether he had four men or four thousand; but he had seen a small postern gate that the buggers had left unguarded. So he snuck through this and made his way to the Queen's throne room. There the bugger Queen was at meat with her council; so Ender and his companions fell upon them, and there was a great slaughter. And in this fight the bugger Queen got her bane-wound; but only Ender survived of the men who had come into the fortress.


Now for this deed Ender had great praise among the King's men, and he got a planet for himself to rule as he saw fit. But as he was ruling there, the daughter of the bugger Queen came to him, and asked mercy for her people; for the men of Earth had killed the most of the buggers after Ender's victory. Ender's heart was moved by the Queens-daughter's plight, and he swore an oath that he should not rest until he had found a land for the buggers, away from the men of Earth; and therefore he left his estate, and became a sea-king, always seeking a land where the buggers might have peace.
Posted by sands (Member # 8344) on :
lol.never heard of Snorre
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
That is because you are an ignorant American, unaware of the great sagas of Iceland and Norway.
Posted by AC (Member # 7909) on :
I am American (Vinlander) and I have read several of the sagas and both Eddas

[ July 30, 2005, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: AC ]
Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
As Richard Laymon:

Ender's heart began to thump crazily in his chest. His insides felt hot and squirmy. Stilson cowered before him. This was so great! Ender laughed.

"Ender, please, no," Stilson begged.

"After I kill you," Ender said, "I'm going to track down your little sister. I've had my eye on her for some time." He relished the panicked, fearful expression that came into the eyes of his tormentor, and he lashed out with his foot, kicking Stilson in the face. The bully fell over onto his back, covering his face with his hands. Ender really let him have it, then, kicking the quivering coward over and over until his chest heaved, and he collapsed, crying, to the grass.

They were tears of joy.
Posted by ElaRibeira (Member # 8306) on :
Ah, the Snorre has given me inspiration.

OSC as The Beowulf Poet:
Brave Ender, John Paul's son,
Boldly told Bonzo of his battles
Of stomping Stilson and breaking Bernard.

Bah, inspiration runs short after eight hours of work, so I'll leave it at three lines. Lovers of Anglo-Saxon poetry should appreciate that much. I wanted to incorporate the whale-road, but I figured since this isn't Star Trek IV, calling space the whale-road wouldn't work. [Smile]
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Originally posted by King of Men:
That is because you are an ignorant American,

Oh, must we start that again?
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
OSC as the Weekly World News:


More Pictures Inside!
Posted by Liz B (Member # 8238) on :
Moving my stuff to the correct thread now:

OSC as William Carlos Williams:

I Doctored the planet
of all your mothers
and which surely held all your genetic dreams

forgive me

the Game was so bitter
and so low

OSC as Robert Frost:

Whose ships these are I think I know
He's hiding out in my room, though;
He will not beat my teammates here --
We'll match his cunning blow for blow.

Mazer's trying to make me fear
That my own ending's coming near --
That I'm not strong enough to take
The challenge of the coming year.

How funny! If for my own sake
I fought, I'm sure that I could shake
This obligation. But I keep
in mind the raft, the girl, the lake.

I would love to rest, and weep --
But I have promises to keep,
And more to fight before I sleep,
And more to fight before I sleep.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Well, Shvester. Here is an American who has not heard of Snorre, an author as important for Nordic culture as Chaucer for English or Dante for Italian; how can you classify that as anything but ignorance?
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
chill, KoM.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
you are an ignorant American
Oh, must we start that again?
Well, Shvester. Here is an American who has not heard of Snorre, an author as important for Nordic culture as Chaucer for English or Dante for Italian; how can you classify that as anything but ignorance?
I guess you must start that again. But do it with someone else, 'cause I'm not playing anymore.

So there! [Taunt]
Posted by Verily the Younger (Member # 6705) on :
That is because you are an ignorant American,
And you're an inflammatory, self-righteous, arrogant Norwegian. What about it?
Posted by RoyHobbs (Member # 7594) on :
fo' real, yo
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Sigh. Truly, I did not mean to be as insulting as you people seem to think I was being. I was trying to poke gentle fun at what passes for education in America and at the same time relieve comrade sands's ignorance. Hence the link. I do stand by my classification : Anyone who has only read the classics of one language (and truth be told, I suspect comrade sands may not have delved any too deeply into Chaucer, or Milton, or even Kipling, either) is ignorant.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
King of Men. While you may be poking gentle fun, it's difficult to tell that with you since most of the time, when you phrase things in a similar manner, you are not poking fun, but are, in fact, insulting and condemning. If you want us to know when you're joking, make it obvious. Oh, I don't know - make it funny, perhaps? Or add smilies. But otherwise, don't be surprised at the reaction you get. [Smile]
Posted by Verily the Younger (Member # 6705) on :
Anyone who has only read the classics of one language (and truth be told, I suspect comrade sands may not have delved any too deeply into Chaucer, or Milton, or even Kipling, either) is ignorant.
I will gladly grant you this one, simply because "ignorant" means nothing more or less than "not knowing". We all have areas where we are well-versed and areas where we are ignorant. That, in and of itself, is not an insult.

It was your automatic attachment of "American" to the concept that I took exception to. I've been on international message boards for many years now, and I am sick to bloody death of non-Americans insinuating, whether they hide behind the pathetic "humor" defense or not, that an American is by definition inferior to them, be it in education, or culture, or whatever.

Okay, so you have familiarity with great writers from numerous countries. Bully for you. But don't act like non-Americans have a monopoly on education. And don't act like familiarity with a wide variety of writers has any kind of connection with a person's value.

[ August 01, 2005, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Verily the Younger ]
Posted by Liz B (Member # 8238) on :
The connotation of "ignorant" is not neutral, as people seem to be implying. It's an insult. Don't be surprised when it's read as one. Don't use it if you don't intend it to be one.

Which two (or more)classical languages/ literatures do you think are necessary to obviate ignorance? You've picked something you're familiar with and labeled those who don't have your level of familiarity as "ignorant." I've heard of Snorri but haven't read any of the sagas. I still appreciated your parody because I am aware of the genre (as did sands, whom you labelled ignorant. It's considered bad form to insult those who laugh at your jokes). I don't appreciate the label of "ignorant" and it certainly doesn't make me want to learn more about your area of interest -- or shallow knowledge, I can't tell which.

Depth or breadth? We all have to choose. There are a few brilliant people who can manage both. Perhaps you are one; I don't claim to be. I chose depth in my area of interest. Again, however, it's impolite (at best) to insult those who don't have your background knowledge, interests, or (possibly) abilities.
Posted by Starr R (Member # 8361) on :
OSC as Robert Frost:

Whose ships these are I think I know...

Liz B, I loved your poem. Frost is one of my favorites, and I think you captured his style perfectly.
Posted by Liz B (Member # 8238) on :
[Blushing] thanks, Starr . . . and welcome!
Posted by Chris Kidd (Member # 2646) on :
I thought this was a fun thread.
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
Originally posted by King of Men:
I was trying to poke gentle fun at what passes for education in America and at the same time relieve comrade sands's ignorance.

Remind me: where are you going to grad school?
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
Oh, come on, folks ... can't we Americans recognize humor for what it is? I was fine with "ignorant americans" precisely because it was so obviously not meant to be insulting.

It IS a fun thread. Americans ARE ignorant. So is everyone else. But Americans are particularly ignorant of the culture of other nations, because in our educational system we choose to be. We are mostly ignorant of our OWN culture, so at least we, as a people, are equal-opportunity-ignorant. But we DO watch Survivor and The Amazing Race - though I confess to being an American ignorant of both of those.

This is a swamp of ignorance, and we are all primordial slime wallowing in it. Ignorance R Us!

What people from outside the US forget is: Our culture is spread throughout the world because our nation is temporarily the culturally dominant nation in the world. So people EVERYWHERE know lots of things about American culture. When they come to America they discover that we do not return the favor - we are not as aware of the cultures of other countries as they are of ours. But think about the math for a moment. If a hundred other nations are sharply aware of the culture of ONE nation - the US - then how could Americans possibly be as aware of THEIR cultures, every one of them! Where would we watch their television programs? Where would we even find their books? It is almost effortless for others to learn about our culture; it would require a great deal of effort for us to be as aware of anyone else's culture as everyone else is aware of ours - and to be aware of EVERYONE else's culture at that same level would be impossible for us. So even if we all were familiar with Scandinavian traditions, we'd still annoy Malays and Ibos and Ukrainians and Quechua-speakers because we weren't aware of THEIR culture, either.

And if a Scandinavian is annoyed at having his culture compared to Malay, Ibo, and Ukrainian culture, well, there you are. You may know American culture because it was readily available - but have you read any Ibo literature lately? Aware of the great Malay trading tradition, perhaps, but can you name any of the pirate kings?

We are all, perforce, ignorant of most things in this world.

I am VERY SURE that King of Men KNEW all this and that is why I am very sure that it was an ironic statement, to call us Ignorant Americans. It was tongue in cheek.

All of the above was "OSC as Curmudgeon."
Posted by Promethius (Member # 2468) on :
I took the ignorant thing as a joke too, but I was thinking some people might not. I am sure there are some great authors in all countries everyone doesnt know about. The point is that Dr. Seuss poem was pretty freakin darn hilarious great job Calaban.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
Good stuff people. This thread receives Zal's official stamp of "satirific yumminess."
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
OSC as Jane Austen:

It is a universally known truth that a stranger, alien to all society and possessing a disturbing visage, must be an enemy and therefore in need of a hero to conquer him.
Posted by Gecko (Member # 8160) on :
OSC as Salinger

I keep picturing all these little kids playing some zero-gravity game in this big staidum. I'm standing on the edge watching them play. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they get stunned and remain frozen - I mean if they're shooting and they get their legs paralyzed while trying to shoot inbetween them, I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the Battleschool.
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
OK, if I read (past tense, not present!) English, Hebrew and some Greek literature, does that make me ignorant? Trust me, if Americans' education is ignorant, forget Israelis'!

[ August 02, 2005, 04:56 AM: Message edited by: Jonathan Howard ]
Posted by sands (Member # 8344) on :
Originally posted by Orson Scott Card:
It IS a fun thread. Americans ARE ignorant. So is everyone else. But Americans are particularly ignorant of the culture of other nations, because in our educational system we choose to be. We are mostly ignorant of our OWN culture, so at least we, as a people, are equal-opportunity-ignorant.

he's right. we didn't learn about Hemingway either! we did study Kenya at one point though.
Posted by filmstar (Member # 8115) on :
This is a killer thread. Loved the Salinger, especially. And the Austen.
Posted by Verily the Younger (Member # 6705) on :
Americans ARE ignorant. So is everyone else.

[. . .]

You may know American culture because it was readily available - but have you read any Ibo literature lately? Aware of the great Malay trading tradition, perhaps, but can you name any of the pirate kings?

You know, if I had ever seen a non-American put any of these points, I might not be so quick to jump to the defensive.

I used to be able to take "ignorant American" jokes as jokes. But after years of posting on international message boards, I began to notice that, regardless of whether the maker of the joke was European, Canadian, or American, it was always Americans being singled out. No one ever says, "Man, Canadians are so ignorant!" or "Of course he can't find Mauritius on a map . . . he's just an ignorant German!"

And when it's a Canadian or European making the joke, it always seems to come with a bit of a smirk. Like they're saying, "I know about your culture, but you don't know about mine. That makes me better than you."

The result is that after years of this, I just can't take them as jokes anymore. To me, they always sound like smug expressions of superiority. If they ever once admitted to their own ignorance, and made jokes about it (and no, "We sure are ignorant, but at least we're not American!" doesn't count), then maybe I wouldn't have such a knee-jerk reaction when America gets teased.

It's like people who mock Christianity but don't dare say a thing against Judaism or Islam or Buddhism for fear of seeming culturally insensitive. If it's culturally insensitive to mock Jews or Germans, then why is it acceptable to mock Christians or Americans?
Posted by Gecko (Member # 8160) on :
Please, can anyone interesting in fighting and continuing this meangingless debate do so in another thread devoted to it?
Posted by Chris Kidd (Member # 2646) on :
Please take the disscusion of Ignorance to the other side. and let us keep the fun of this thread.
Posted by Gecko (Member # 8160) on :
OSC as Robert Jordan

Ender watched Petra tug at her braid and smooth the wrinkles from her uniform with the backs of her hands. Ender wanted so much for Dink to be here, for Dink understood women

"What are you staring at, wool-head?" Petra said as she noticed Ender watching.

"I - uh, hmm, I, ummm."
Posted by Gryphonesse (Member # 6651) on :
yes, please - fight elsewhere. I'm not creative enough by HALF to come up with these on my own, and I love seeing what everyone else has to offer.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
OSC as Dostoyevski:

It was a long, cold winter, and the snow was beginning to drift in across the cabin door. Ender JohnPauloVich Xenochruivicho Wigginvich was pondering, with dark despair, the dark deeds of his younger years, years in which the snow drifts had only come to his youthful knees. The years in which his sister Valentine JohnPaulova Demostheneski Wigginova had been youthful and bright like the stark white sun of the Siberian winter. But now, the snow came in deeper, blowing more intensely, piling up against the door of the cabin.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
OSC as Gabriel García Márquez:

Many years later, as Ender Wiggin would watch the buzzards peck aimlessly at the dusty air of the palace of the general of Lusitania, he would remember that first dark day, that day when the steam in the shower smelled like death and maggots and fruit-flavored ice cream from the streets of Baranquilla.
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
OSC as J.K. Rowling:

Ender lay on his back and looked up at the bunk above his. The match was tomorrow, and Bean and Petra still weren't talking to each other. How was he supposed to pull a winning team together when two of his key players wouldn't work together? What was worse, he didn't have time to call another practice; Graff had assigned so much homework that he and Bean had been working frantically all night to finish it. Of course, Petra had finished hers hours earlier and was reading Rackham's Tricks for Cornering Your Enemy.

Ender grumbled and got to work.
Posted by theCrowsWife (Member # 8302) on :
OSC as Dan Simmons:

Ender zipped across the battleroom like some mad hornet enraged by some meddling human. He caught a star and huddled behind it, listening to the gentle susurration of his breathing.
Posted by Pelegius (Member # 7868) on :
OSC as Vergil, trans. by Dryden:
Arms, and the boy I sing, who, forc'd by fate,
And unintentional Xenocide,
Expell'd and exil'd, left the Battle School.
Long labors, both by sea and land, he bore,
And in the doubtful war, before he won
The Latian realm, and built the destin'd town;
His banish'd gods restor'd to rites divine,
And settled sure succession in his line,
From whence the race of Alban fathers come,
And the long glories of majestic Rome.
Granted, this would change the plot a bit.
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
OSC as Sappho:

[missing] was thinking
about [missing] [missing]
because she [missing]
Breasts were [missing]
and he was [missing]
[missing] [missing]
[missing] [missing]
she was [missing]

OSC as Chaucer (rough meter):

Whan that Ender with hiſe Dooctour ſote
The Buggern foreygn beeteth to the rote,
Celebrateth with much Å¿wich licour
Of which vertu enteangeled in Å¿our;
Whan Petra fainteth eek he looſeth breeth,
Whilſt playyng "Admiral" on battelheeth,
He Å¿eeeth how he was the yonge Å¿onne
And why from home he hath to Å¿wyftlie yronne.

OSC as The Butler (W.B. Yeats):

He had done most bitter wrong
To some who are near my heart,
Yet I number him in the song;
He, too, has resigned his part
In the casual comedy;
He, too, has been changed in his turn,
Transformed utterly:
A terrible beauty is born.

Oh, wait - that fits in perfectly! No impression needed!

[ August 03, 2005, 02:32 AM: Message edited by: Jonathan Howard ]
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
Oh my goodness! Chaucer was great! Bravo.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
OSC as KoM:

Col. Graff: But sir, should we really keep Ender and the other children in the dark about actually fighting the Buggers? Shouldn't we tell them and get their honest efforts, instead of fooling them with simulations?

Strategos Gunnarsen: Oh, you ignorant American! Clueless and belligerent is the natural state of affairs for all Americans, Ender will be at his best that way.

Which reminds me: I'm demoting you. But if you renounce your God I may reconsider.

Major Andresen, you're the new head of the Battle School.

[ August 03, 2005, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: Morbo ]
Posted by DavidGill (Member # 8166) on :
OSC as William Carlos Williams, part II:

so many depend

a third born

taught to lead

and kill our
Posted by JuniperDreams (Member # 3471) on :
Brinestone, I loved yours... [Big Grin]
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
This is a great thread! How about OSC as e.e. cummings? Robbie Burns? Ray Bradbury? I'm just not that good . . .
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Originally posted by Gecko:
Please, can anyone interesting in fighting and continuing this meangingless debate do so in another thread devoted to it?

Sounds like a great idea for a thread. I do believe I'll start one. [Evil]

Ta Ta For Now! [Wave]
Posted by Soara (Member # 6729) on :
OSC as Douglas Adams:
Ender sat on the wall of the Battle Room, watching his soldiers practice. They worked in a calm, organized manner, exactly the same way a pack of hyenas would not.
The practice ended, and Ender led his tired and sweaty army through the gate. "Thank you," the gate said as they passed, "For making a humble gate like me very happy."
Ender swore.
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
I have to say, there are some dazzling pastiches here. I am in awe.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
It was hot and muggy that afternoon, the world so hazy and stinking with low sweat that I'd come out to the lake to try to shake off the doldrums. Or so I'd told everybody. But I knew, lying there, that I was going to go lie in the swollen, bloated sun that afternoon, like every other afternoon since I'd come out here, to let the heat bake the life out of me. There weren't any vultures here if you didn't count Graff, but that didn't stop me from hoping.

I was done, overdone, way past cooked and on my way to crispy, and so it fit right into my train of thought around two o'clock when a voice like strawberries and cream -- with just a hint of vinegar -- purred from behind me, "Turn over, hero."

I rolled onto my back and held up a hand to my eyes to make out her face. Not that there was any need; I knew her body just as well in silhouette. My heart sunk so low that I figured my cardiologist was going to have to start golfing with my proctologist if I ever made it off the lake alive. It was her, of course. Valentine. They'd made her into their patsy somehow, found some button or gotten something on her, and sent her here to soften me up or toughen me up or whatever kind of up they thought I needed. I wondered how they'd done it, what dirt had stuck to that perfect skin, and hated myself for wondering -- but if I'd learned anything in all those years at Battle School, it was that nothing dies faster or harder than innocence under the gun. And as hard as Battle School had been, she'd been shacked up with Peter the whole time.

She adjusted her skirt and kneeled down next to me -- man, those knees! -- and I felt a rush of something that could have been love, but wasn't. "How's it going, Ender?" she asked.

"Don't 'Ender' me, doll," I snarled, downing my last finger of Yoo-Hoo and tossing the sticky bottle backhand across the water. It skipped twice, then floated for a second before something seized it from below and dragged it under. Like me. "Don't pretend like you give a damn."

Her bottom lip threatened to pout, but she stopped it in time. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You think I'm a dummy?" I said. "Me, the guy they actually picked for the brain trust? Years without a word and suddenly you show up here, on my lake, in that dress, calling me 'Ender?'" She went to answer, but I cut her off. "You and me both know why you're here, and it ain't going to happen."

Her eyes narrowed, and her hands balled into little fists at the top of her hips. Long red nails bit into the bottom of her palms. "Okay, Andrew," she said, and the name was like a knife in my back, "we'll play it your way. Sure, they asked me out here. But I was glad to come. I came as soon as they told me where you were. It hasn't been the same without you, you jerk."

Still squinting against the sun, I watched her face move through its old routines. "Right, babe. You missed me so much you wrote every day, I bet."

"Every day. Every day," she said. And I realized she meant it. But she saw my look and her mouth dissolved into a lolly-pop "o" of horror. "You never got them?"

"Not a one." I turned away again, seeking comfort in the shadows of the far bank. "Every one you sent."

[ August 03, 2005, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]
Posted by AC (Member # 7909) on :
^ Raymond Chandler?

[ August 03, 2005, 10:44 PM: Message edited by: AC ]
Posted by Tinros (Member # 8328) on :
[Laugh] OSC as JK Rowling. teeheehee, and I could probably point out the part in that book too.
Posted by Tinros (Member # 8328) on :
A mockery of "A Farewell to Arms", my least favorite of any book I've ever read:
Ender was born. They got drunk. He went to school. They got drunk. He beat up a kid. They got drunk. He met Graff. They got drunk. He went to another school. They got drunk. He beat up another kid. They got drunk. He went to a third school. They got drunk. He blew up a planet. They got drunk. He went far away. They got drunk. Everyone dies. The end.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Yeah, AC. [Smile] I was hoping it sounded enough like Chandler that someone could guess without my having to say (or actually quote any lines verbatim from any of his books.)
Posted by Bekenn (Member # 6602) on :
Terry Pratchett:

There are many schools of thought when it comes to understanding the universe. Plato likened it to a shadow play, with all of the forms that we encounter throughout life being merely projections or imitations of the perfect Forms that exist in the great ethereal void. Others, like Stephen Hawking, believe that everything is made up of little lengths of string, each vibrating like mad and doing its part to contribute to the Great Guitar Riff of Life. Einstein conceived of a universe entirely run by mathematics.

They are all, of course, completely wrong.

In fact, there is only one person so far who has managed to get it right: the renowned Brazillian inventor Godofredo Cartão, whose brain is so receptive to inspirations* that, for the good of society, he was almost imprisoned for life in a mental institute**, lest the uninterrupted flow of ideas lead to the invention of, say, a coffee maker that would also serve as a launch mechanism for an unguided atomic warhead. Cartão imagined that matter (most importantly, living matter) might in fact be willed into existence, by small packets of will called philotes. Particularly strong philotes, those capable of serving as the basis for living beings, he called aiuas***. Aiuas have the ability to twine together, forming very real connections between any two living beings who have emotionally bonded in some way.

Don your aiua-viewing glasses, and look upon the Earth. What you see resembles nothing so much as a plate of angel-hair pasta, but without the cheese, strands going every which way, criss-crossing and forming a tight, knotted, and impossibly complex clump about the planet.

Now, pull back a bit, and relax as we move through the cosmos, zooming from star to star, and planet to planet, until we come across one very special world, where the strands do not clump and in fact bear no resemblance to pasta whatsoever. Here, the strands are orderly, forming brilliant patterns expanding in a spider web across the surface of the planet, and extending out across the vast reaches of space to connect even more worlds like some great cosmic high-school molecular model. The pattern is vibrant somehow, and quite beautiful.

And very soon now, in but a few short years, it will be gone.

*Inspirations are high-energy particles, like photons, that can pass through most objects. The human brain has certain receptors for inspirations, and when an inspiration strikes, it has the effect of causing the brain to pour forth new ideas. They have an unfortunate tendency to strike just when one is taking a bath. This has often led to critical advances in science, and the occasional philosopher running naked through the streets shouting "Eureka! Where's my towel?"

**Shortly before that decision was made, Cartão took on a job as a software developer at a video game company, so really, there was no need.

***Aiua is Portuguese for "Eureka."
Posted by Bekenn (Member # 6602) on :
Okay, I know it's not perfect, and it doesn't have Death in it (I thought about doing the Stilson scene or the Bonzo scene), but it's the best I could come up with for now. Maybe more later....
Posted by Gecko (Member # 8160) on :
OSC as Stephen King

Ender Wiggin fled across the shower, and Bonzo followed.

The shower was the apotheosis of all showers. Slippery and wet, and tile floor stretching out for what seemed like eternity in all directions
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
Tinros, clearly you never read "House of Seven Gables."

Tom Davidson, it was a hardboiled detective, but my memory of styles could not tell me whether it was Chandler, Hammett, or Ross Macdonald.

Gecko, Stephen King never wrote anything that short <grin>.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
OSC as (I'm sure he'll hate this) FPS/RTS player, age about 14 :

Stils0n : OMG u so lame!
3nd3r : STFU n00b.
Stils0n : quit being such a l4mer!
3nd3r : D00d, guy, im warning u.
Stils0n : u so l4m3 u cant touch me
3nd3r : <Enters duel mode>
Stils0n : OMG u use teh hacks!
Stils0n : ok ok i sorry peace ok?
Stils0n : <Stilson has left the game>
3nd3r : Pwned!

Ack, I was going to write the confrontation with the bugger queen in the same style, but it's just too annoying. Consider yourselves lucky.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Let me try Simon and Garfunkel instead :

Sitting in commander's station
Watching fleet reach destination
On a tour of bugger stands
something something close to hand
and every battle neatly planned
for the genius and his brother-band

Homeward bound
I wish I was
Homeward bound
Home, where my thought's escaping
Home, where my music's playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me

Every day's an endless stream
of orders given, filled magazines
each battle looks the same to me
the buggers with their factories
and every adult's face I see
reminds me that I long to be

Homeward bound
I wish I was
Homeward bound
Home, where my thought's escaping
Home, where my music's playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me

Tonight I'll win for them again
I'll play the game and pretend
But all my victories to me
are shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony
I need someone to comfort me

Homeward bound
I wish I was
Homeward bound
Home, where my thought's escaping
Home, where my music's playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me
Silently for me
Silently for me

Hmm. Actually, you don't need to change it that much. Which is a pity, really, because I'm not actually doing OSC as S&G, I'm doing S&G with Ender-references. Better luck next time.
Posted by Tinros (Member # 8328) on :
No, I never read House of Seven Gables. I was too bust having crappy books no one's ever heard of shoved down my throat by high school English teachers. Should I read it?
Posted by DavidGill (Member # 8166) on :
No, you should read Humphrey Clinker instead.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Or Anne of Green Gables. Or rent a movie with Clark Gable.
Posted by IanO (Member # 186) on :
OSC as Robert Jordan, part 2

Peter sat under a leatherleaf true. Around him, the copse of leatherleaf and pine stood, some of the leaves already turning brown from the approaching winter. Green-brown creeper vine ran along the top of rocks that looked suspiciously like paving stones. At one time, a road had run through here, ferrying users from what was then Green's Hill to Charle's Town. A long time ago. But he remembered. He made sure.

A bluefinch chirped in the distance. Peter immediately took note of it and sat up. Bluefinches were not common to this area. But the approaching person was not the reason he tensed. Or, at least, was not the source of the tension.

A small squeek pulled his eyes down. There, a squirel lay prone, its feet staked out between four small posts. Where soft white fur should have covered its belly instead was dead white interior skin. The fur had been cut back and flies buzzed around the wound, already laying eggs.

Peter stifled a desire to laugh. He was the husbandman of pain. He had sowed, harvested, and was now eating. A giggle rose in his throat, but he ruthlessly put it down. It must be savored, the pain, and enjoyed, the demons in his soul appeased.

He picked up his knife and looked at the now drying blood on the blade. It glinted in the setting sunlight. It was beautiful, a reflection of life. Blood on a blade. He was lost in its perfect beauty.

The tramping of leaves anounced his visitor, pulling him out of his reverie. For a moment, rage exploded in him. How dare Val interupt his contemplation of perfect death. But then it vanished. There was more pain to harvest here. Pain of the mind. Pain from her empathy. Yes, he could still appease the hunger in his soul. Suddenly, a small giggle took over him. He never even noticed...
Posted by Beanny (Member # 7109) on :
Soara - that was hilarious!
Posted by Beanny (Member # 7109) on :
“To Kill a Bugger”
Harper Lee

“Ender”, Bean said one evening, “do you think that the Buggers are still alive?”
“They ain’t called buggers, Bean. They’re formics. And right-o, they’re still alive.”
“How do you know that?”
"Heck, that’s already two questions. I ain’t Dewey Decimal, ya know. Oh, looka yonder! What’s that?!”
“It’s a Bessy, Ender. They go moo.”
“By golly!”

The boys sat in silence for a while, absorbing the outcome of their emotionally darned difficult conversation.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
KOM, S&G with Ender-references was pretty good! (if you will accept that compliment from an ignorant Norwegian-American ;-)
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
Originally posted by Jonathan Howard:
OSC as Chaucer (rough meter):

Whan that Ender with hiſe Dooctour ſote
The Buggern foreygn beeteth to the rote,
Celebrateth with much Å¿wich licour
Of which vertu enteangeled in Å¿our;
Whan Petra fainteth eek he looſeth breeth,
Whilſt playyng "Admiral" on battelheeth,
He Å¿eeeth how he was the yonge Å¿onne
And why from home he hath to Å¿wyftlie yronne.

Not bad at all. You forgot to use the thorn character, though.
Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
As Roger Zelazny:

Ender, ender of worlds, bid his companion good night, and swept toward the door.

"Ender," said Petra. An afterthought.

"Something Else?" said he.

"The stars are lovely tonight."

"I wouldn't know. Me being here and they being --" he gestured. "Out there."

She turned red. "I can see them on my screen." She indicated her desk.

Ender considered her, then. Her features were delicate in the soft gloam of computer light. She didn't want him to go, he knew. But there was to be a battle tomorrow, and he wanted sleep. He weighed the two things in his mind -- and grinned.

"The stars," said he, "are lovely always."
Posted by AC (Member # 7909) on :
"when a voice like strawberries and cream -- with just a hint of vinegar -- purred "

"and the name was like a knife in my back,"

those 2 lines are what really made me think Chandler above others
Posted by Chute (Member # 8461) on :
OSC as "The Stoner"

Dude, check it out, it's a bug.
Posted by SpiffWilkie (Member # 8464) on :
OSC as Jayson Blair: [Big Grin]

"What a dreadful surprise," said Beatty. "For everyone nowadays knows, absolutely is certain, that nothing will ever happen to me. Others die, I go on. There are no consequences and no responsibilities. Except that there are. But let's not talk about them, eh? By the time the consequences catch up with you, it's too late, isn't it, Montag?"
Posted by Soara (Member # 6729) on :
OSC as Monty Python

Petra: All the buggers are dead!
Dink: Dead!
Bean: So f*cking dead.
Petra: Oh bloody hell!
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
OSC as L. Frank Baum:

"Ender," Jane said cheerfully, "We've come to the new planet. This is where you're s'posed to speak for the dead King of the Minkelstickers."

Ender smiled and his blonde locks brushed the back of his blue velvet smock, the one that had been given to him as a gift by the lovely Princess Ixmia of Ixin. He gazed happily out of the window of the ship, onto a landscape of strange, glittering buildings and busy little beasts of burden trotting through fields of enormous white blossoms.

"Golly, Ender," said Jane. "This sure does make me nervous."

"Don't worry, Jane," Ender beamed. "It looks like a great adventure!"
Posted by Pelegius (Member # 7868) on :
Soara, it would be more like:

Ender: The Buggers are dead.

Petra: They are just resting

Ender:Look, matey, I know dead buggers when I see them.

Petra: No no they're not dead, they're restin'! Remarkable creature, Buggers, idn'it, ay? Intresting skin!

Ender: The skin don't enter into it. they're stone dead.
Petra: Nononono, no, no! They're resting!
Ender:All right then, if they're restin', I'll wake them up! (shouting at the bugger) 'Ello, Messrs. Bugger! I've got a lovely fresh (whatever Buggers eat) for you if you
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Picks up bugger and hits it on the ground throws it in the air and watches it plummet)
Now, thats what I call a dead Bugger.

Petra: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!


Petra: eah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Buggers stun easily, major.

Ender: his Bugger is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
     rests in peace! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
     bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-BUGGER!!
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Well done, Pelegius. Well done!
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
OSC as Lewis Carrol as 'Father William':

'You are old, Jailor Rackman', young Ender had said,
'And your eyes by now have lost their sight;
And yet you instruct me until you turn red -
Do you think, at your age, it is right?'

'In my youth', said the one who's compared to a Hun,
'I have strained to utmost reach my brain;
And yet now that I am so sure you have none
I will teach you, lest you will be slain.'

'You are old', said the youth, 'as I mentioned before,
And I'm treated by you as a brat;
And you treat me so badly my heart is all gore,
Prythee, what is the reason of that?'

'In my youth', said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
'I was taught not to ever be supple;
To achieve utmost glory we must fight as cocks
And we two will fight well like a couple!'
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
It can't be THAT bad! I killed the thread? *Sob.*
Posted by Gryphonesse (Member # 6651) on :
no, you're just too good of an act to follow...

Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
Thank you. :~|
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Originally posted by Gryphonesse:
no, you're just too good of an act to follow.

And you are a sweetheart to say that!
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
Don't be on the Gryphon's side, please.
Posted by Soara (Member # 6729) on :
How can they be resting if their planet got blown up?
Posted by Irregardless (Member # 8529) on :
Hi, I just signed up here but thought this was a cool idea for a thread & thought I'd give it a shot.

OSC as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Over the course of several weeks, I had acquired a grave concern for my singular friend, Mr. Ender Wiggin. Always solitary, Wiggin had become even more withdrawn of late. He was given to locking himself in his quarters where I can only assume he was watching videos of the Mazer Rackham & the Bugger invasions, his only discernable source of solace since giving up his addiction to the desk game. The depths of his depression, if left unabated, seemed sure to bring about a disastrous end.

I knew the fellow had been pining for his sister (or simply 'the woman', as he called her), who was known to frequent the Demosthenes Club and who, he incredibly claimed, occasionally was the Hegemony; I was unsure if this might be the source of his disconsolation, or if it was the stress of the frequent and lopsided battles that our Dragon Irregulars were tasked with facing, or perhaps some other matter with which I was unacquainted. Having set my determination to either assuage or confirm my fears by confronting him over the matter, I made arrangements to call at his quarters after one of our Battle Room victories and attempted to broach the issue.

After being admitted, I sat heavily in an armchair, acutely feeling the ache of the old injury from my days in Rotterdam. "Wiggin, what bedevils you so? Can it be that you afraid of something?"

"Indeed I am, Bean."

"Of what?"


I groped for understanding. "In Spain?"

"Bonzo Madrid. The Napoleon of Battle School. He is behind fully half that is evil and nearly all that goes undetected in this station."

"But my dear Wiggin, what do you mean?"

"I think that you know me well enough, Bean, to understand that I am by no means a man given to paranoia or cowardice. At the same time, it is stupidity rather than courage to refuse to recognize danger when it is close upon you."

"But what danger threatens you so?"

Wiggin shook his head and sighed. "You see, but you do not observe."
Posted by Sister Annie (Member # 8480) on :
I like it, Irregardless! [Smile] Very well done.

Welcome to Hatrack!
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
OSC as Wodehouse:

"I don't mean to be an alarmist, old chap," Bean said, "but did you really intend to meet a gang of murderous bruisers in the showers? They're armed with but arms, but their arms beat yours hollow. Yours are pretty mouldy, after all."

Ender looked both ways down the corridor. In the one direction waited an undignified if squeaky-clean death, and in the other direction was the house mother, with her rather fearsome lorgnette . . . he shuddered. It couldn't be so bad, being murdered, could it? "Be a good chap," Ender said, looking like nothing so much as a sheep with its head stuck in a fence, "and tell her I love her, when I'm gone."


"I don't know yet. But if she has creamy white cheeks with just a touch of rose, and shell-like ears, with breath like sweet perfume, one can't go very wrong, can one?"

"Stop it this instant," Bean said, his face turning as red as an underdone pudding. "I love Nancy."

"So that's her name?" Ender mused. He'd found the love of his life! Suddenly being left as a bloody spot in a shower didn't seem so awful any more, although it didn't exactly whet the appetite. "What does she look like?"

Bean seemed to be choking. He opened and closed his mouth like a dying goldfish.

"Never mind," Ender said. "I would never interfere . . . but tell her I loved her, won't you? Like the flowers love the rain. Like buggers love eating people's heads, or whatever it is they do. Like pigs love a good wallow."

Bean's rage dissolved into tears. "I can't bear it," he said. "If you love her, you must have her! Can I stand in the way of true love?"

"There, there," Ender said, because that's what one says when a dear friend bursts into tears. It never did make any sense to him, but proprieties must be observed.

[ August 24, 2005, 08:16 AM: Message edited by: Will B ]
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
OSC & Kidd, King James Version

Lovelock 1:1-5

1 And it came to pass, in those days, that a great spaceship arose into the heavens, carrying a great people; and the number of them was ten thousand, three hundreds, and five.
2 Amongst them was, Red, son of Stef; to which Pink the shoat bare witness. And Red knew his wife Carol Jeanne (who knew him not at all) and begat two annoying daughters.
3 And Lovelock the capuchin monkey bare witness to Carol Jeanne. And in that spaceship lived many foolish as cattle,
4 Whose gods were their egos,
5 And who must have lied like the devil to the colonization board. Thus it came to pass, as it has been written,
For a monkey shall have more sense than all of them put together
Posted by Ayren (Member # 7317) on :
OSC as Lemony Snicket

Excellent Ender bloodily beat the brainy buggers horrible home world. He was particularly praised for this awesome accomplishment. He got surrepitously sent on a crazy colony super ship to one of the big bad buggers wacky worlds.
Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
Hmmm, OSC as Lemony Snicket would be a bit more depressing:

Day after day Ender participated in the games. In this case, the word "participate" means: to play along when you do not really care for the games, because you know it has to be done. I am very sorry to say that Ender participated in a great many games without once feeling happy about it, and I am even more sorry to say that this tale does not get any happier. If you like happy stories, please put this book down now and go read a story about happy things. I have promised to write this woeful tale truthfully, so there will be very little happiness about it.

One day Ender was late to the games. His teacher, a very old man who has quite a remarkable history that would take too long to tell you at the moment, told the boy, "This is the final game."

To Ender, the word "final" meant: the end of the horrible, awful life he was leading at the moment, and he felt a glimmer of hope. To the teacher, however, the word "final" meant: a last attempt for humankind, and the word "game" meant nothing at all. For, dear reader, I regretfully have to tell you that the games Ender participated in were not games. When he finished the "final game", millions of living persons died.

I warned you the tale of Ender Wiggin would not be a happy story. If you wish to read further, I must caution you again: it is very tragic, "tragic" meaning: to be rather miserable to the point of great sorrowfulness. Our poor Ender was not free of the cruel hands of fate yet.
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
Posted by LucyPevensie (Member # 8537) on :
Oh yeah CRash... toatlly hilarious. [ROFL] You can't have Lemony Snicket without the situational word definitions
Posted by tmservo (Member # 8552) on :
OSC as Richard K. Morgan:

Ender looked across the room at his crew, eating and thinking about the next day. Battle School had put itself to bed hours before, but he knew that the prowl was on.. looking for him.. looking for his blood.

He walked into the shower, urinating on the floor to watch the motion of the drain.. the slow, circling motion which would tell him the magnetic pull of his current location.

Out of the quiet came the maelstrom - Bonzo. Bonzo was no match for him, he knew this. He lacked the training, he moved slow, his reflexes like molasses compared to the cool, trained muscles that he had developed. He thought to himself "is this slag really this stupid?" Even knowing his unique advantage, he also knew that it was better to have your enemy off guard.

"So, is cornering me in the shower some sort of fantasy for you, Bonzo? Can't get enough of the d...."

Before he could even finish the phrase Bonzo lept out at him. The taunt was just right - Bonzo lept out of control and undisciplined. One backwards slap of the head would be enough.. the satisfying crunch as he toppled over told him all he needed to know. Bonzo laid on the floor, bleeding, gasping.

"Here's hoping some moron will pay to unstack you" he said "but, until then, here's a going away gift" as he kicked him in the balls and walked away.

What a waste. He'd have to at least wash his hair and feet again.. and he'd need another stall.
Posted by rjzeller (Member # 8536) on :
A.P. Wire -

Child genius and committed killer Andrew "Ender" Wiggin has reportedly finished off the entire buggar race.

Well known for his murder of a school-yard bully and later atrocities against fellow battle-schoolers, Wiggin's latest acts look to have ensured the genocide of the only alien race man has yet come to know.

While many in the miliary elite praise Wiggin's ruthless decisionmaking and command style, there are some who question his involvement in the current administrations voluntary war against the buggars. Some, such as Mary Funct, widow of a now deceased fleet commander, question the need for such actions.

"We never stopped to question why. Why did these buggars attack us in the first place? If only we could have understood them better, my husband would not have had to go away for this unjust war and waste his life for the whim of a little boy."

But military strategist Mazer Rackham dissagree, offering this justification for the extreem actions of the Administration's military approach to buggar diplomacy:

"That little son-of-a-b*tch saved our *sses!"

But that is little comfort to the thousands of families who will never see their loved one again, as many who ventured away so many years ago now lay dying or dead in ships that were nothing more than the play things of one Andrew Wiggin.

As for Wiggin, who is said to spend his spare time playing video games in his bunk, the Administration has claimed the boy has dissappeared.

So while many on Earth are left to deal with the trauma of losing loved ones and the terrible guilt we all as a world must endure for our part in the complete destruction of another race, the Administration pledges, "We will bring freedom and democracy to these worlds."

Several democratic senators have questioned the strategy of committing genocide, and have expressed concern over the impact this will have on Earth's resources -- some referring to the occupation as a "veritable quagmire."

For their part, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Aliens) will be holding candlelight vigils tomorrow at midnight throughout the World.

Did the buggars want peace? Could they have been our friends? What could we have learned from them?

These are questions we'll never have answers to, thanks to one Ender Wiggin and his jeesh of compatriats bent on bloodshed and genocide.

--reprinted by permission.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Way to tactlessly politicize a fun thread, dude.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Yeah, but at the same time it's kind of funny. I can honestly see Wolf Blitzer doing that exact news story.
Posted by calaban (Member # 2516) on :
I thought it was funny.
Posted by rjzeller (Member # 8536) on :
Well Tom, I guess I'm sorry. I honestly thought it was just a good bit of fun. Clearly you didn't.

But c'mon ... if it were today's media and political big-heads covering the same series of events, wouldn't you expect to see a story just like that?

Anyway...thanks Calaban....glad to see SOMEONE recognized it as just a bit of levity.

Besides, wasn't it established in later books (by society in general) that Ender was eventually looked upon as some sort of evil person who committed Genocide (Xenocide)?

As such, I would think that the real reporting would not be too far off of what I quipped about above. It's simple, really -- take a modern political climate and cross it with the ending events of Ender's Game and what would it look like?

Ender's Game as covered by the media. I guess if you find that tastless and unacceptable, then I really am sorry.

I would think that since this entire thread is designed as a sort of mockery or make-fun at other styles, I wouldn't think I had to explain that it was a JOKE.

Well ... sorry. I'll be more sensitive next time.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :

But c'mon ... if it were today's media and political big-heads covering the same series of events, wouldn't you expect to see a story just like that?

No, I actually wouldn't. But, then, as a former member of the media you're demonizing, I might have a slightly different perspective on the issue. [Smile]

I recognize why you considered that "just a bit of levity," of course. But I think it's a shame that your perspective on the media is so skewed that you take that approach as a given.
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
To me, it looks like he took an actual AP article and changed a few details. The AP comes out looking anti-war; I doubt AP staff consider that an insult.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Most AP staff I know would indeed consider that an insult.
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
OSC as J.D. Salinger

That Bonzo from Battle School is so corny, trying to give Petra the time; I hate those people. And after I socked the sonuvabitch they kicked me out on account of I was socking Bonzo. They're such phoneys.
Posted by rjzeller (Member # 8536) on :
Well ... I could back myself by pointing to the numerous studies which clearly show that those MOST depressed about the current war and the economy are they who get their news predominately from newspapers, but I don't think that was the point.

Will B hit exactly what I was shooting for, though of course I didn't actually take a real article and change details, but that's the look I was after.

It was no my intent to offend anyone, and if I had realized Tom was a former reporter, I might have been more careful. So I really do apologize for any offense given.

But if you don't think the media present information about war or politics in the manner I displayed, then you're not looking at reality....

...GAH!! This was not my intent. SORRY. I thought i was just poking a little fun. BAck to OSC AS.....

Okay, Ender as John Madden:

"Well you know, there's that war thing out there in space ... and....and if you get all of our ships together and you get all of their ships together, well ... well that's what we call War, see? And if you get all their ships together and then launch the doomsday device and ... well ... BOOM! He, he...then that's the end of the buggers, see? And this little boy they call him Ender and he's in charge of the whole thing, well ... that makes him the one who beat them ... becuase he's in charge, see? And...and...and and that's how we beat the enemy, by getting a little boy who's not afraid know...BOOM!

"I think I'm hungry...I could go for a turduckten..."
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
"But if you don't think the media present information about war or politics in the manner I displayed, then you're not looking at reality...."

*polite cough* I know this is your basic assumption. That's why I found it insulting in the first place. Telling me that I'm not looking at reality in addition to the previous insult will not mollify. [Smile]
Posted by rjzeller (Member # 8536) on :
well...I guess perception truly is 9/10 of reality.

"Polite cough" apparently intended to imply that my "assumption" is flawed. Well, if it is, then the joke was nothing more than that -- a joke, and what reason have you to be insulted, since it clearly wouldn't apply to you. And if it IS true...well then...I guess you would be insulted.

Tell me how my "assumption" differs from reality.

If your interpretation of my attempt to poke fun at modern media treatment of international and political affairs is that of a direct insult to you as a person, and then to later take my point about the reality of media treatment as being additionaly insulting, well, I guess I really shouldn't bother to soothe or mollify.

And how, exactly, would you have preferred that I recast that post? It's not as if someone didn't already indicate they could practically hear Wolf Blizter reading it himself.

Apparently by my horribly insulting attempt at levity and generalization of media reports, one person at least has interpreted that to mean that I think ALL reporters would write the same thing.

Because apparently by my words it must be that EVERY reporter (past or present) at the AP and EVERY reporter for major newspapers and EVERY reporter for any other major news service would write the exact same thing, and therefor you should take offense because it cannot possibly be that maybe people would understand that it's entirely likely that SOME reporters MIGHT submit such an article.

Apparently when you worked as a reporter the media always sought the happiest outlook on things and never tried to find negatives in the news -- because today's news is just chock full of happy endings and peachy information.

So I make what is clearly intoned as a joke and I'm accused of "tactlessly politicizing" an otherwise fun thread. Dang. And here it is I who am expected to mollify and soothe the feelings of someone who was so inadvertantly insulted.

Well, methinks perhaps someone needs to lighten up a bit.

Okay, so be it. Here is the revised "Ender's
Game as covered by the mass media" version.

A.P. Wire -


Reports just released confirm that Ender the Great has saved all of mankind with his daring and fearless charge to victory over the hated buggars.

Having rid the universe of such a great threat, people everywhere are partying in the streets! Democrats and Republicans and Administration officials are hugging and celebrating.

"Kumbaya My Lord" can be heard echoing from rooftops and mountain peaks!

Fellowship among mankind has exploded to new heights of cooperation and joy. The sheer genius in planning by officials leading the war is unparalleled in modern times!

Insects everywhere have gone underground in hopes of avoiding further acts of retribution by the brilliant minds involved in the defeat of the buggars!

It is truly a heroic day for mankind! Said one member of Ender's jeesh after the final spectacular victory, "wow."

This reporter, for one, just can't help feeling all flowery and pink with joy!

And that about sums it up.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :

Because apparently by my words it must be that EVERY reporter (past or present) at the AP and EVERY reporter for major newspapers and EVERY reporter for any other major news service would write the exact same thing...

I point you to your use of "the media," which certainly implies that you are speaking of the media here as a collective. While individual exceptions may of course exist, you do not speak to their existence in your generalization.
Posted by LucyPevensie (Member # 8537) on :
Guys, please!! While we all respect your opinions, this was such a fun thread to read until you started an argument on it. I respectfully request that you take it elsewhere.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Hm. Do you really respect our opinions? [Smile]
Posted by estavares (Member # 7170) on :
You're just looking to get insulted, aren't ya?

I thought that AP article was very funny. It has that whole socialist "Starship Troopers" kind of vibe, but in reverse.
Posted by GaalD (Member # 6222) on :
OSC as TomDavidson

Ender complained to the teachers that they were pushing him too hard and it wasn't fair.
"Hmmm, so by those standards of fair, I guess we pushed Mazer Rackham to hard when he saved the world?" said Graff.

(Did I get the TomD's insightful parable down right?) [Wink]
Posted by blonsky214 (Member # 8119) on :
and he asked would i write another sequel and i said yes i will yes yes yes
Posted by rjzeller (Member # 8536) on :
No Tom, Lucy is right. I should have just ignored your original outburst from the onset.

they Do respect our opinions; but they're right, this is not the place for such petty discontent.

Sorry folks, I was out of line. Please, let's get back to the OSC as as it was intended...
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
*grin* I object to the characterization of my comment as an "outburst," you realize. [Smile]
Posted by GaalD (Member # 6222) on :
OSC as rjzeller

"I know what you're doing Ender and you better stop it," said Bean, "Don't treat me like I'm a dumb baby."

"I'm sorry Bean, I realize it's not your fault that your dumb and your small," said Ender.

[Big Grin] I'm sorry, if this offends you just let me know if it does. I didn't even read all of your posts, just the one the exchange between you and Tom right above this one. I was trying to parody the way you casually called TomD's post an outburst as if it is accepted as true, like Ender is casually calling Bean dumb as if it is true. Yeah, so I just killed any remote chance my post had of being amusing by explaining it...
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
I think when Lucy said "take it elsewhere," she didn't mean "disguise it as pastiche."
Posted by rjzeller (Member # 8536) on :
We'll see how many not of the faith catch this one...

"I, Ender, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was sent to battle school to be taught somewhat in the learning of the great commanders, and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of Graff in all my days, yea having had a great knowledge of the goodness and mysteries of the battle room, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in these days.

Yea I make a record in the language of my father, because they did not teach spanish in battle school.

And I know that the record which I make is true; and I make it in mine own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge (with no small help from Bean)...."
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
OSC as Pahlaniuk:

The simulator glows green with little pixel spaceships, swarming insect bastards crawling toward us across the galaxy, the migrating flock from hell, millions and millions of ships inevitably filled with millions and millions of bugger memories.

Jump to two years ago. Jump to a shoddy little raft floating on the lake. Jump to Valentine's hesitant touch confirming that in some small way, I'm not her brother anymore.

Jump to Valentine's charred corpse. Jump to the irradiated mass formerly known as North Carolina, with the fields of skeletons cradling each other, two big skeletons cradling a couple kid-size skeletons and a little pile of white fragments that probably used to be a baby skull, but now looks so much like talcum you could use it on a baby's ass by accident.

Bean's breathing comes in over my headset. Just say it, Bean. Remind me they'll kick me out for this, they'll lock me in the loony bin and shoot me up full of cafeteria cocaine until I can't feel feelings anymore. Remind me that Mazer is a bastard anyway for putting me here. Graff's a bastard. God's a bastard.

Sorry Bean, Mazer, Graff, God.

So sorry, little bugger boys and girls.

I push the button. Game over.
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
OSC as Ricky Ponting:

[VERY Heavy Aussie Accent]

"Yeah, I believe that Pet and Bean did a fan-tastic job and even though the opposition playd well we showd them that we're able to do, and that's very good for the character of our Jeesh."
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
OSC as The Beatles:

The-é-é-é-ére is no place where I can go
When I feel low, when I feel blue,
And it's my mind, there's shortage of time
When I'm alone.

I-I-I-I-I think of truth,
The buggers few. You own my head, oh,
The things you said! Like I'll kill only for you.

In my mind there is sorrow,
Don't you know that it's so?
There will be no tomorrow,
Don't you know that it's so?

The-é-é-é-ére is no place where I can go
When I feel low, when I feel blue,
And it's my mind, there's shortage of time
When I'm alone.
There's no place,
There's no place.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
Oh, and regarding "ignorant Americans," I offer this quote from the New York Times:

"Dr. Miller's data reveal some yawning gaps in basic knowledge. American adults in general do not understand what molecules are (other than that they are really small). Fewer than a third can identify DNA as a key to heredity. Only about 10 percent know what radiation is. One adult American in five thinks the Sun revolves around the Earth, an idea science had abandoned by the 17th century."

I make no claims about how accurate the study is, how the questions were phrased, how biased Dr. Miller is, how accurate the NY Times is in reporting, or whether other countries have similar standards or not, but it really disturbs me that such a significant portion of adult Americans don't know things that are taught as part of a middle school curriculum.
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
I heard that a university found out that 35% of first year college students couldn't find the US on a map without labels.
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
But even better was the kids' channel in Israel, where the kids needed to compete in their competence as weathermen. None of them got it right: they confused the Dead Sea with Lake Galilee, they couldn't detect different mountain-ranges, not to mention desert-locations.

Half of them know that Israel is the centre of the world. So they locate it in Kenya.

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