Hatrack River Forum: It's sacrilicious!!!

This is topic It's sacrilicious!!! in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

Haven't done this in awhile.

God never runs out of birdseed, but sometimes he has distribution problems.

God thinks technical journals are terribly boring and knows beyond doubt that the only people who read them are the authors of the various articles.

God likes the way the sun glints off his hair in the afternoons between about 3:14 and 3:27 local time at latitude 10.3 degrees.

God wishes he had invented business card magnets.

When God was little, His mom stuck His first draft of the Universe up on the refrigerator.

Everyone in Heaven still gets a chuckle out of it when God yells out "Let there be Light" every time he opens the refrigerator door. After about the third time, though, they stopped yelling back "And there was light."

God tried using a Palm Pilot, but it kept asking if he wanted to archive his best moments because they were outside the date range.

God was married once, but neither of them was quite sure what gender to adopt in order to please everyone. Now they're just good friends.

God proved that you can have your cake and eat it too. If you're God.

God gets sad when people cure their atheletes' foot fungus, so he often sends it back with a vengence.

Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :

I love it when you do these.

Posted by Sir Wolfe (Member # 3245) on :

quote:
Everyone in Heaven still gets a chuckle out of it when God yells out "Let there be Light" every time he opens the refrigerator door. After about the third time, though, they stopped yelling back "And there was light."

LOL

Posted by Leto II (Member # 2659) on :

And this, my friends, is why Bob rawks!

Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :

quote:
God gets sad when people cure their atheletes' foot fungus, so he often sends it back with a vengence.

This one must be true. It just has to be. My husband has been through every product on the market, and we've tried every home remedy I've ever seen. It still keeps coming back. Now I know why.

Posted by Perelandra (Member # 3632) on :

Geez... I can't remember if it was Lotrimin or Lamisil... it's the stuff that cures in a week. Anyways, that stuff rawked! My foot fungi were gone!

Posted by Fael (Member # 3015) on :

quote:
Haven't done this in awhile.

This is my first....

Thanks for doing it this time

I loved the Palm Pilot..

Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :

Bob, how (specifically) do you come up with these?

Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :

We've tried both lotrimin and lamisil, Pere.

NO luck.

Posted by Polemarch (Member # 3293) on :

Here's one:

All of heavan was silent, for no one knew what to say when God sneezed.

Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :

In salute to Bob:

God used to eat a croissant and a bar of chocolate for breakfast every morning, but lately he's been having a bran muffin. Then he gulps down a toaster strudel around 10 a.m.

God thinks that Pluto should indeed be officially designated a planet, but he also thinks the asteroid belt should be called 'the tumbling circle of stony griefs.'

God likes hymns okay, but he wishes there were more power ballads sung in church.

Posted by Steel (Member # 3342) on :

I just like the title of this thread. It's apealing. How do you spell that? I'm so confused...

"God is like Visa, he's everywhere you wanna be."

Posted by Fossil (Member # 2958) on :

HeeHee-Visa...Whoo!

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God had all of Heaven painted egg-shell white but then everyone started sticking up posters and other junk on the walls and ruined the effect.

As a joke, someone gave God a pen with disappearing ink. But the joke backfired because God usually just dictates his work.

God knows how many angels will fit on the head of a pin.

God sometimes misses 5¼" diskettes because they fly a lot better than the 3½" ones.

In order to play fair, God only buys quick-pick lottery tickets.

God wonders why nobody ever reads the fine print.

As a child, God used to run to the mail box to see if what he knew would be there was really there.

God has x-ray vision but tries not to use it because of the risks involved.

God doesn't mind a cluttered office. He says he knows right where everything is.

God thinks the action figures of him are really kind of cheezy.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

God loves anything deep fried and dipped in ranch sauce.

God wonders why he's always associated with fish. I mean, he likes fish. He just likes budgies better.

God finds the news depressing. He prefers a good episode of 'Frasier'.

God loves his new cordless optical mouse. He'll never go back. Never.

God has a "please remove shoes" policy in heaven. Cuts down on wear and tear.

God wonders how he got on so many magazine subscription lists.

God feels bad that he didn't make you more talented. He's been meaning to get on that.

God's memory for names is pretty good, if He does say so Himself.

God's secret to explaining the universe is really and intricately woven fabric about dipping sauces. He just really likes that ranch stuff.

Posted by Slash the Berzerker (Member # 556) on :

When god needs to swear, he says "<insert your name here> Dammit!" He thinks it's only fair.

Posted by Human (Member # 2985) on :

God never takes showers. The last time he did, it rained for a long time. Forty days, and forty nights, to be exact.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

quote:
God feels bad that he didn't make you more talented. He's been meaning to get on that.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God is really into wireless technologies.

God thinks reinforced concrete roadways are worth the extra time and money.

God's favorite ice cream is Rocky Road, but not that low-fat kind.

God appreciates a good waffle cone.

God made a rock so heavy even he couldn't lift it, then he broke it into pieces and lifted it anyway.

God has never once said the phrase "Nanny Nanny Boo Boo."

God was failing biology his first time through but aced the class by creating a Platypus for show 'n tell.

God likes ribs, but Adam gets all spooked every time the delivery guy shows up, so he only gets them on rare occasions.

God wishes everyone would stop looking for the Tree of Life. He moved it okay? Leave it the heck alone.

God saw this really cool movie with that guy, you know, the one with the hair. Anyway it was great and you should definitely go see it when it comes around.

God thinks tube radios sound better than solid state, even after all these years of improving the technology.

God would like to give the cleaning crew a day off around the holidays, but he knows it would take an eternity to catch up afterwards.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

quote:
God wishes everyone would stop looking for the Tree of Life. He moved it okay? Leave it the heck alone.

Hehehehe.

God won't lie to you when you ask him how old he is, but he is pretty good at evasion.

God has had it up to -here- with footprints in the sand analogies. He's not kidding. Stop making them, or he'll have to take legal action.

Although he would never admit it, God secretly likes it when people use the phrase, "Kill them all and let God sort 'em out."

God wishes he made man smarter. Then maybe he wouldn't have such a hard time finding a good thermos.

If it's true that, "He who dies with the most toys, wins", God wonders if dying is a prerequisite for winning. If not, is the prize a good thermos? Please get back to Him on this at your earliest convenience.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

quote:
God wishes he made man smarter. Then maybe he wouldn't have such a hard time finding a good thermos.
If it's true that, "He who dies with the most toys, wins", God wonders if dying is a prerequisite for winning. If not, is the prize a good thermos? Please get back to Him on this at your earliest convenience.

LOL.

God would like to add that if your thermos has a picture of the Partridge Family on the outside, he'd be willing to pay a little extra.

God never loses an auction on e-bay.

God thanks himself for temporal rules every time he thinks about how QVC might've really made selling indulgences take off if it'd been around back then.

God thinks particle board is an abomination.

God went grocery shopping once, but got so upset over the question "paper or plastic" that he walked out without paying and never returned.

God thinks the idea of air in a can is hilarious. But then he thought that about bottled spring water and regrets not getting in on that scam earlier.

God definitely thinks that if he'd wanted men to fly, he'd have given them wings.

God likes hanging out in the Crown Room at LAX because a lot of celebrities come through there.

God's name is on a government list because he once asked an airport security person "Do I look like a terrorist? Do I?!!!"

God gets a kick out it when people tell him something is against the laws of physics.

God wonders how a taste for ice cream could ever have evolved in dogs anyway.

God hates the "crawl" on CNN and MSNBC because it is impossible to ignore.

God thinks the title The Book of Bob lacks a certain dignity and wont approve it for release.

God thinks there's nothing like a motorcycle trip to help one appreciate his creation.

Posted by Sir Wolfe (Member # 3245) on :

"God gets a kick out it when people tell him something is against the laws of physics"

LOL

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

God had almost decided to wipe out all of creation until the Dodge Viper showed up. He asks, "Have you seen that car? It's way killer." God also takes vicarious credit for it's design.

God hates it when baristas put the drinking hole of his mochas on the seam of the cup. It always spills, people. ALWAYS. He is still in the market for his Patridge Family thermos.

God once considered getting in the middle of the cola wars, but wisely thought better of it.

God doesn't like the lyrics to Rob Zombie music, but thinks it's good to dance to.

God feels that nudity is an abomination mostly because the people who insist on going nude are usually the ones who should be wearing clothes in the first place.

God doesn't endorse the concept of predestination. He wants to make this clear and requests that you stop blaming him for being such a doofus. You're a doofus all on your own, honey.

[This message has been edited by Ralphie (edited April 30, 2002).]

Posted by Slash the Berzerker (Member # 556) on :

God probably thinks this thread is funny. On that last post, he laughed, spilled coffee on his keyboard, and said, "Bob Dammit, that's funny!"

Posted by Papa Moose (Member # 1992) on :

I'm picking out a thermos for you,
Not an ordinary thermos for you,
But the very best thermos you can buy,
With vinyl, and stripes, and a cup built right in!

I'm picking out a thermos for you,
And maybe a thermometer, too....
.
.
.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

quote:
God once considered getting in the middle of the cola wars, but wisely thought better of it.

God knows what they were thinking with New Coke.

God likes UBB code, but wishes images didn't take up so much room.

God recently sold off all his fax machines because they weren't getting as much use as projected.

God thinks "Park Hopper" is a bad name for multiday Disney passes, but he didn't offer an alternative suggestion.

God's favorite Florida attraction is the Cypress Knee museum. He especially likes the one that looks like Richard Nixon in profile.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

quote:
God recently sold off all his fax machines because they weren't getting as much use as projected.

God now wonders if anyone is in the market for about four hundred tons of unused printer paper.

God still doesn't approve of swearing, but He cannot help but think that *bleeps* are nearly the height of humor.

God understands your petitions for the complete annihilation of Microsoft and all of it's products. Apparently, a pact with the Devil was involved and though God doesn't want to get into the sticky details, suffice to say he's working on it.

God, for the record, says that Smurfs are ok in his book. Some people just need to stop freaking out, already.

Though this may come as a surprise to some, God never wonders, "Is humor funny?"

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God says that someone who really loves him will go to this site and place a bid...

Partridge Family Thermos

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

::clutches sides from pain of laughing::

I know what I'm being buried with! Always nice to have a lil' insurance policy...

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

ROFL.

Um, God, we got another one. She's got a few black marks, but she showed up with a Thermos, so I thought I'd better ask you...

Describe this thermos.

It is the one.

Okay, look, offer her an annual pass and the number of the Pope's hotline. He's not using it anyway.

...

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

And if God was a Hatracker...

God is relieved this isn't another onanism thread.

God doesn't like it when people randomly AIM him to say they don't like his glasses. Well, okay, He doesn't wear glasses. But if He did that would be RIGHT. OUT.

God enjoyed LOTR. He is neutral on whether or not Legolas would be considered 'hot', though.

God is looking forward to Episode II: AOTC, but he has some reservations due to Episode I.

God has definite opinions on who should be playing Ender in the movie, but for the sake of peace He has chosen not to post them.

God very much endorses the use of *SPOILERS*.

God isn't touching the 'Homosexuality' thread with a ten foot pole.

[This message has been edited by Ralphie (edited April 30, 2002).]

Posted by :Locke (Member # 2255) on :

Why are you all talking about me?

Posted by Wade (Member # 3327) on :

God is the one on the right, with the name-tag that reads "God".

God is very releaved that he got to be God, and you had to be you.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

quote:
God is the one on the right, with the name-tag that reads "God".
God is very releaved that he got to be God, and you had to be you.

LOL.

God enjoys a good pecan praline.

God thinks folk art is a good way to clear out litter and use up old paint.

Over the years, God has grown more and more fond of velcro.

God thinks popping bubble wrap is a good way for people to calm their nerves.

God wants everyone to have a puppy at least once in their lives.

God's first car was a 1968 Buick LeSabre with the 350 V8 and bench seats.

God likes pushing the "Degauss" button on his computer monitor.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

God at first waffled about getting a DVD player, but now He's gald He did.

God doesn't get up in arms about it, but He actually makes sure his eyebrows are well-trimmed and dignified, not all bushy like some comic-strips-He-could-name depict.

God likes aromatherapy and full-spectrum lights. But if there's bubble wrap in the room at the same time, well, that's even sweeter.

God feels strongly that if you find yourself a good pair of tweezers, you hold on to them.

God says, "ditto" to a good pencil sharpener.

God will let you win at chess, but He always tells you in how many moves you'll beat Him.

[This message has been edited by Ralphie (edited May 01, 2002).]

Posted by Fluffy (Member # 3399) on :

"Tweezers", not "tweazers".

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

Ralphie feels that John should bite her.

Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :

Be careful Ralphie, with all that metal, he could do some serious damage.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God sees nothing wrong with orthodonture.

God licks envelopes from right to left, but much prefers self-sticking stamps.

God can think of thousands of uses for a stereo Y-Connector.

God uses his debit card for most purchases under $200.

God knows when this whole dinosaur craze is going to peter out.

God has, once again, refused to pay Satan's heating bill.

Every time a doctor makes it into heaven, God trots out his old pun about infinite patients. It always gets a laugh.

AND NOW A BLAST FROM THE PAST...

quote:

God went to the deli, but he grossed everyone out by making the meat talk

God still likes that one.

God doesn't like it when people say "hold the mustard" during communion.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

When God had to figure out which mammal to give the rest of the smarts, Humans only won out over Dolphins in a very tense coin toss.

God enjoys a good dip in the pool after a long day's work. (Oh, and stop trying to figure out how long a 'day' is, cause with all the traffic these days it may as well be a Millenium.)

God is thinking about getting one of those jet-spas installed. They look so good in the brochures.

God would amaze you with his hunt-n-peck typing. Well, He'd amaze with you with other stuff, but, man! That hunt-n-peck is something to see.

God is still trying to figure out why he made sharks, but he thinks it has something to do with a vague premonition of Steven Spielberg.

Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :

Sorry if this is too long, and double sorry if you've all seen it before, but a friend just sent it to me and I think it's hilarious.

Subject: Customer Satisfaction Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions:

1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper

__ Bible

__ Torah

__ Koran

__ Television

__ Book of Mormon

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Dead Sea Scrolls

__ My Mama Done Told Me

__ Near Death Experience

__ Near Life Experience

__ National Public Radio

__ Tabloid

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ Jehovah

__ Jesus

__ Krishna

__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]

__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]

__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]

__ Allah

__ Satan

__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)

__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)

__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes

__ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal

__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

__ Not omniscient

__ Not omnipotent

__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)

__ Permits sex outside of marriage

__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

__ Makes mistakes

__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people

__ Looks after life other than that on Earth

__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

__ Requires burnt offerings

__ Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents

__ Needed a reason to live

__ Indoctrinated by society

__ Needed focus in whom to despise

__ Needed focus in whom to love

__ Imaginary friend grew up

__ Hate to think for myself

__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church

__ Fear of death

__ Wanted to piss off parents

__ Wanted to please parents

__ Needed a day away from school or work

__ Desperate need for certainty

__ Like organ music

__ Need to feel morally superior

__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell

__ Objects were falling from the sky

__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Baal

__ The Almighty Dollar

__ Left Wing Liberalism

__ The Radical Right

__ Amon Ra

__ Beelzebub

__ Bill Gates

__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur

__ The Great Spirit

__ The Great Pumpkin

__ The Sun

__ The Moon

__ The Force

__ Cindy Crawford

__ Elvis

__ A burning shrub

__ Psychiatry

__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot

__ Lottery

__ Astrology

__ Television

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Dianetics

__ Palmistry

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Self-help books

__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll

__ Biorhythms

__ Alcohol

__ Marijuana

__ Bill Clinton

__ Tea Leaves

__ est

__ Amway

__ CompuServe

__ Mantras

__ Jimmy Swaggert

__ Crystals

__ Human sacrifice

__ Pyramids

__ Wandering around a desert

__ Insurance policies

__ Burning shrubbery

__ Barney T.B.P.D.

__ Barney Fife

__ Other:_____________________

__ None

7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?

Circle one below:

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know.

e. What's Divine Intervention?

8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

a. Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 flood

1 2 3 4 5 famine

1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts

1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 plague

1 2 3 4 5 Spam

1 2 3 4 5 AOL

b. Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 rescues

1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions

1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets

1 2 3 4 5 crying statues

1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

1 2 3 4 5 walking on water

1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort

1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever

9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names an addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?

__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own immortal soul

__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

Posted by Khavanon (Member # 929) on :

ROFL dkw

Posted by bruinlawyer2002 (Member # 2264) on :

God wonders why he hasn't received any roylaties for the Bible.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God wishes he'd renewed the copyright on the Bible©.

God wishes someone would come in here and sweep up all the manna and get rid of it.

God thinks quadraphonic sound was just a little ahead of its time.

God has never seen an automatic sprinkler system that watered the entire lawn and nothing but the lawn.

God was thrown off the local psychiatric help line staff for being opinionated and judgemental.

and another blast from the past:

quote:

God spells relief R-O-L-A-I-D-S

Posted by bruinlawyer2002 (Member # 2264) on :

Whenever God gets criticized for being judgemental, he mutters under his breath, "you ain't seen nothing yet!"

God aced Latin in high school.

God likes to tease Darwin about his bumper sticker.

Two months ago, God finished writing Bible X: What I Really Meant© but he is afraid that without Oprah's seal of approval, his book will get killed by Order of the Phoenix.

God loves how he never forgets his son's birthday, but gets somewhat peeved at the fact that Toys R Us starts "celebrating" it three months in advance.

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :

Am I going crazy, or is the last post on this thread continually changing with any edit marks to signal it.

Posted by bruinlawyer2002 (Member # 2264) on :

God loves to mess with UBB code.

Posted by Nadine (Member # 3362) on :

I thought I was going nuts, but I think you're right.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God has played with the UBB code long enough to know that the admins might kick him off if he doesn't behave.

Posted by bruinlawyer2002 (Member # 2264) on :

hmmmm..... I thought God was the admin.

Don't worry, you ain't going crazy. I kept deleting/reposting instead of editing (my religious friend sitting next to me kept objecting to what I was writing). Didn't think anyone was watching.

[This message has been edited by bruinlawyer2002 (edited May 02, 2002).]

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :

Bruin, I knew that. I saw it happen at least three times, and figured it was time to throw off your groove.

<side note> Yeah, not quite sure what is going on with me. Turning into a twinkly little gremlin, I think. Threw off Belle's groove yesterday. No telling what's up. *ambles off*

Posted by bruinlawyer2002 (Member # 2264) on :

To say that I was in any kind of goorve would be giving me too much credit....

It is only 8:00 am here and I'm only on my third cup of coffee. I'm sure even God would agree that we don't settle into our "groove" until at least our fifth cup of coffee.

: ours a round of java for the thread::

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God wishes everyone had a religious friend looking over their shoulder when they post.

God never sends in warranty registration cards.

God sometimes wishes he could be a long haul trucker, just for a little while.

When Jesus was little, God used to sing him songs about himself to get him to sleep. Of course, all those trumpets blaring and angelic voices would disturb the whole neighborhood, so he had to stop.

God had business cards printed up, but the printer made a mistake on the contact information and now people keep ringing up the local Krispy Kreme when they need comfort.

God sometimes flips open his Book of Life at random and erases all the bad entries just for the sheer joy of it.

God held the elevator an extra second yesterday at a building in Milwaukee. He was appropriately thanked by the beneficiary.

God wonders why no-one has ever named a boat after him. Not that he minds, but it'd be a nice gesture.

God recommends extra roof ridge vents in the South.

Posted by Boothby171 (Member # 807) on :

At night, God sneaks around Heaven and cuts off all the "Do not remove" tags from the mattresses.

God has a box full of all the various TV/VCR/CD/DVD remotes that everyone has ever lost. But don't worry: He memorized all the multi-unit programming codes before He removed all the batteries so they wont mess up the remotes.

God recycles batteries.

--Steve

Posted by aretee (Member # 1743) on :

Does He have the matches to all my unmatched socks? I live by myself, so He's the only other option.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God knows where your unmatched socks and that missing spoon are.

God likes nothing better than a good solid exoskeleton.

God thinks Israelights brand of candles are horribly misnamed and hopes no-one derives any pleasure from burning them.

God could stare at a lava lamp for æons, but he wont.

God says there really is one true love for every person, but they could be separated by the span of oceans or even thousands of years. And he's sorry for that, but its just the way things worked out.

God thinks the candy factory sketch on I Love Lucy is the funniest sight gag ever on TV.

Nobody likes to play poker with God because he's got one of those faces you just can't read. That and he "buys the pot" no matter how good his hand is.

God thinks that when a toy ad says "hours of fun" it should really be true. Someone ought to measure the fun and report back to the government.

Not even God laughs at Family Circus.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God thinks it's apparently time to take a break from this.

Who am I to disagree?

Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :

God is fluent in the Unix/Linux operating system, but doesn't brag about it. I like this about God.

God likes "fluff threads" on hatrack, because it lets newbies get started posting in an unobtrusive way.

jexx

Posted by :Locke (Member # 2255) on :

God likes Bob Scopatz, even if he isn't baptized yet.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God likes newbies, especially those who leap right in to the most controversial threads on the BB.

God knows why this is called a "fluff" thread.

God thinks people ought to get baptized every few years, despite the obvious doctrinal concerns.

God thinks "it's like herding cats" is an apt metaphor for so many things.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

God feels the need to bump the threads with Ralphie's contributions. (She's just so pitiful otherwise.)

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

*bump*

This is the other funny one.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God loves "da Bump" but really hates shaking his booty.

God is Onmiscient, Omnipresent, and Omnipotent, so was a bit upset when the magazine Omni was not about him.

God has a great ISP.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God considers them all free range chickens.

God sometimes wishes he lived nearer to Home Depot. Especially after the third trip in one day.

Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :

God thinks Lowes is nice if you like pretty things, but if you want hardware, HomeDepot is the place to go.

Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :

God feels his day job doesn't pay enough, so he moonlights as a truck driver.

--xnera

Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :

God prefers lime jello to orange.

Posted by Lavalamp (Member # 4337) on :

God is amazed at the vast variety that exists in the world of batteries.

Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :

God hates being put on hold, especially when he has to listen to "muzac" while on hold.

God always flies first class, but is considering buying his own private jet.

God prefers going to a good old-fashioned barber rather than one of those trendy "salons".

God can believe it's not butter.

[This message has been edited by ludosti (edited January 03, 2003).]

Posted by Geoffrey Card (Member # 1062) on :

"God doesn't like it when people randomly AIM him to say they don't like his glasses. Well, okay, He doesn't wear glasses. But if He did that would be RIGHT. OUT."

God just noticed this one, Ralphie Now you can go to heaven.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

Ralphie is Heaven. So God told me.

She's also a bit of that other place. More the better.

Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :

God dislikes cloning. Not for moral reasons. He just thinks it's hilarious watching people try to fall in love.

God wishes Lord of the Rings had been written BEFORE creation, 'cause there's no way he could create an oliphaunt now without everybody noticing.

God doesn't even remember his first date. "It was just so long ago."

God asks will we please not kill off all of the Zebras and Pandas...he has a certain affection for animals he created pre-Technicolor.

God was infinitely confused when his package arrived from the "Adam and Eve" collection and it was NOT home videos of the Garden of Eden, as he assumed. Same with the "Big Bang" video he ordered.

God wishes we'd stop all of these "Word of the Day" threads. He has better things to do with His time than make up new words.

God wonders if, maybe, he is Thor.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God wonders if maybe he is Baldor.

God never wonders if he is Bob. God is not that silly.

God knows that Orangatang Tribes have Cultures, but they don't have Culture Club, so that's ok.

God doesn't believe in aliens, on any of the planets he's worshipped on.

God didn't plan all of history so we could one day create S'Mores, but the real reason wasn't nearly as tasty.

God rarely accepts someone's two week notice.

Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :

God only does commercials for Nike, Gaterade, Adidas, Old Navy, Coke, Pepsi, Microsoft, Athalon, Xbox, GameCube, PS2, Sony, Mediaplay, Wendy's, Jello, and Walmart.

God created Life (the game) to bring families together. Satan created Monopoly.

Gods last message to a living Douglas Adams: "We apologize for the inconveniance."

Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :

I (and God) love this thread!

Posted by Jettboy (Member # 534) on :

God really wants a rest, but ever since that Adam and Eve incident He isn't sure how safe it would be.

God hates computers; it gives humans a false sense of owning a brain.

God isn't sure what to think of cloning. There are so many legal issues to work out. I mean, technically he created the creators. But, just because they are fans doesn't mean they can copy His material.

God really misses the days when television was more than a bunch of lame reality shows. That is why He invented cable.

God loves bugs so much He made them more abundant than any other animal. Only God knows why.

[This message has been edited by Jettboy (edited January 03, 2003).]

Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :

God would like to make it clear that He doesn't have the foggiest idea what Kid Rock is talking about.

And while He says "You're welcome" whenever someone says "Thank God", He usually just does it out of courtesy...not because He actually DID anything.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

Jesus, still a bit miffed that not one of them was waiting outside his tomb on the third day, plays pranks on the Apostles every Easter. Last year, he short-sheeted Peter and put a burning bag of dog poo outside Thomas' door, then rang the bell.

Posted by syIvrdragon (Member # 4396) on :

God is just now realizing that he created humanity. That wisper on the wind is his resounding "Oops"

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God cringes every time he sees someone make "air quotes" movements with their fingers.

God gave us opposable thumbs to make up for not being able to lick ourselves. That's what REALLY separates us from the animals. Most of us anyway.

God thought about having another son, but after how we treated the last one...He said forget it.

God bought a giant calculator with one button for every number from + to - infinity. At first He thought it would save money because it's solar powered, but after it burned through 15 suns, He's not so sure.

God created black holes as handy matter storage devices.

There is no truth to the adage that God puked and Cleveland was born.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God has a Chia pet that looks just like Moses. He likes to send it over to Pharoah's place every once in a while just to get a rise out of the old Ra-worshiper.

God thinks lava is one of the best building materials in the universe.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God gave Bob a 5.0 Bob points for Bob posting here.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God likes to collect antique watches because they are such a great symbol of how He must exist. Of course, He collected so many in such a short span of time that he blew the bubble out of the market and drove prices into the stratosphere.

Posted by Mother_Toretha (Member # 3943) on :

ALL OF YOU ARE GOING TO HELL! ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG FORGIVENESS FROM THE ALMIGHTY LORD WHO YOU HAVE GREATLY OFFENDED!

Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :

: pies Mother Toretha:

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God rarely uses the CAPS LOCK key.

Posted by Mother_Toretha (Member # 3943) on :

*calls lightning bolts down to hit Frisco*

Bob-as if you know anything about God, you SACRILIGEOUS INFIDEL!!!!

Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :

We're sacrilicious, not sacreligious.

There's a difference. We're tastier.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God has a complete set of the Encyclopedia Brittanica running out to the year 4253 AD. He's not saying what happens after that.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God doesn't care which team wins the SuperBowl. But He's really looking forward to the ads.

Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :

God thought it might be fun to make a really cold day, after so long without one, but now God thinks maybe He overdid it.

God wishes He still owned a pair of gloves.

God was aked to sing the National Anthem by the Atlanta Braves, but He declined. He didn't want to seem to endorse one particular nation. God believes in separation of State and Church.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God believes in seperation of State and Church. He doesn't want to be held responsible for what happens when Politicians are involved.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God really believes in separation of oil and water. His exact words were "The DON'T mix."

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God invented "Clandestine Operations" and would really like a little credit for it now and again.

God has decreed that henceforth everyone will only get 14.37 minutes of fame.

God sometimes finds Himself wishing that Adam and Eve had eaten more of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. One bite each was clearly not enough.

Contrary to rumor, God did not create Tree of the Knowledge of where to find free parking in Manhattan on a Saturday night. And God is hogging all the fruit from that one for himself.

God would like to find someone who can parallel park a celestial chariot without scratching off the gold leaf.

Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :

Hehehe

Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :

quote:
God asks will we please not kill off all of the Zebras and Pandas...he has a certain affection for animals he created pre-Technicolor.

God would like to add Skunks to this list.

...

On second thoughts, God takes Skunks off the list.

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :

God is an avid fan of Dungeons and Dragons.

God used to collect Magic the Gathering cards, but lost interest in the game when he was constantly beat by nerdy sixteen year olds.

God knows exactly how the Harry Potter books end, and he isn't telling.

Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :

God finds it funny that people argue whether animals go to heaven.

God wishes he could tell Earth to 'Quiet down or I will turn this universe around!!'

God wishes people would quit sending spam emails in his name.

God doesn't think you can read too much.

God used to bowl with the angels, but they refused to let him after he bowled a 300, 300 times.

God likes to count the hairs on your head.

Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :

God made flowers so plants could have sex.

Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :

By the by, I'm completely amused by this thread, and Bob_Scopatz is my hero for the day. (Unfortunately the day lasts only 5 more minutes)

God loves it when people thank him for things he didn't do.

Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :

Did you know you can fax God?
You fax your prayer to this number near the Wailing Wall and adorable little street urchins straight out of Oliver Twist will scamper over and insert your fax in the Wall for only tu'pence. The Jewish people believe that there God will read and possibly answer prayers, so I guess this could work.

I read about this prayer fax service a few years back, possibly Urban Legend. But then I thought, what if you could fax God?

Storming heaven one bit at at time...
If it did work, you could "fax-spam" God to lock your enemy out of the system
and make sure you do all the smiting instead of being smitten! [Roll Eyes]

[ April 01, 2008, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: Morbo ]

Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :

God loves Morbo, whoever he is.

God likes it when people thank him for doing *bad* stuff to them.

He feels bad, however, when he didn't really do the bad thing in question.

God hates airplane food.

Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :

After lighting a bag of crap on fire on God's doorstep, God sentenced the 4 riders of the Apacolypse to be Mailmen till the end of the World.

Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :

God does not want this thread to die...

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God has been holding off telling us that the creation of human beings was really the result of a bad case of hiccups.

God thinks that the onion is a really poor metaphor for life, but it's a great metaphor for car repair.

God opened a technical school but no-one could afford the tuition.

God thinks Sim City lacks a certain verisimilitude and Sims just creeps him out.

God refuses to eat at restaurants shaped like hot dogs or pigs.

Jesus' earliest childhood memories involved barn animals eating his bed.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

God can't help but watch Elimidate whenever he happens to stumble across it.

God has toyed with ripping out all the grass on Earth and installing really plush carpet. It just feels so good on the toes.

He doesn't advertise it, but God is a spirit creature because he just really hates laundry day.

If he had it to do all over again, God would have written the Bible with a lot more "z's". Fo'nizzle.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

God discovered fresh-ground pepper for his salads, and he'll never go back to pre-ground. NEVER.

Despite beliefs to the contrary, God has been quoted as saying, "YO. Hippies. Get a job!"

When musing to himself one day, God realized that he just knows a lot of stuff.

Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :

It's hard to be humble, especially when you are God.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God was humbled once by the Ukranian all-star harp orchestra which had recently been brought to Heaven after an unfortunate bus crash involving a large cow. At any rate, God made his own angelic chorus go back in time and practice nonstop for a millennium just to ensure nothing of the sort ever happened again.

In order to speed things up, God has upgraded the angels' wings to jet packs.

God knows a few tips that Martha Stewart hasn't even dreamed up. He can get out ANY stain!

Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :

It was only a little while after the Earth was made that God realized he should never have invented the Depth Charge.

The only reason God invented Sunday is because if you had stayed up for six days creating the eart and all life on it, you'd want a rest, too!

God likes fuzzy slippers and hot chocolate. He REALLY likes bon-bons, but not the rum and orange kind.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

He doesn't like to brag about it, but God is a KILLER pinochle player.

Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :

God REALLY likes hugs.

God ties up his gifts with rainbows.

God gets a kick out of theology. But sometimes it makes him a little sad, and he wonders if anyone will appreciate him for who he really is.

God hates the idea of a Theocracy. It would be too much work.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God loves freewill, but didn't much care for Free Willy.

He despised Free Willy III

Posted by Godric (Member # 4587) on :

God sometimes gets annoyed when people forget the last three letters of his name, but ultimately he forgives them because he's so honored that they're talking about him at all.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

When God struts through Heaven with his ball cap on backwards, everyone knows to give him a wide berth!

God installed a parental filter at Heaven's ISP and now nobody can get anything to open, not even God.

God's new "spam the spammer" program is a big success. So far a dozen of the worst offenders have died horrible deaths compressed under several tons of processed ham.

Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :

God likes making people think he's really an autonomous secret society.

But he doesn't like it when the autonomous secret societies start thinking they're him.

Posted by filetted (Member # 5048) on :

*had to get sides sewn up and apologize to the neighbors half-way through this thread*

God never grew tired of the prank calls left on his answering machine.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God invented special effects.

Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :

I always thought that maybe special effects just came into being by themselves! They don't seem to be dependant on causualty.

Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :

God made sure that everyone was born with a ctrl+alt+delete function, just in case they were "Not Responding" or needed to be restarted.

Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :

No way! Humans just can't--

*beep*

Your eslaine was not shut down properly.
Scandisc will now check eslaine for errors....

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

When God reboots someone, he leaves a size 13EE bootprint on their backside.

God doesn't understand "Yo Momma" jokes, probably because he never had one.

Mary thinks their just wrong.

God giggles everytime he asks Jesus, "Who's your daddy."

Never ask God "Whaaaaaz Upp". He will spend eons telling you.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God is having the Book of Life digitized so He can put it on the web at www.god.com. He will smite anyone who registers that domain name before He's had a chance to take it Himself.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

Sometimes when winter boredom has set in, God makes all the down comforters in Michigan's Upper Peninsula come alive for about 20 minutes.

God made it rain cats and dogs once, but the result was far less comical than one would've imagined.

Even God was amazed when Ben Franklin's kite in the storm thing worked.

God made a mountain out of a mole hill and boy was that mole pissed!

Posted by asQmh (Member # 4590) on :

God took a day off once. When he came back, there was disco. God swore it'd never happen again.

God thinks that milk shooting out one's nose is the ultimate in lactose intolerance.

Spackle makes God giggle. . . and no one knows why.

God thinks there are probably worse things than a Republican majority, but says you don't want to know what they are.

Posted by Ophelia (Member # 653) on :

God likes it when Q posts. Oh, wait, that's me. I'm sure God likes it too, though.

Posted by EllenM (Member # 5447) on :

God's children giggle whenever he says he has to go caulk the bathtub seams.

Posted by asQmh (Member # 4590) on :

Snitched this here. Kind of fits.

God walked in, wearing his scrubby little dressing gown, and asked if I was looking at pictures of war dead. I told him no. He was sagely satisfied and mentioned that apparently it was OK as long as they were taken by Americans, otherwise it was an affront to the Geneva Convention. God is all about conventions. He thought Hussein's boys would be a trifle miffed at the idea as well, but since they didn't go to His Heaven he didn't really care and do we have any Corn Flakes?

Later, when God had his Holy Constitutional and had read the TV Guide front to back, he stretched and inquired about Matlock. "It's on pretty much any time in at least one country if you have cable", he noted. I pointed out that He hadn't seen fit to wire our home with cable but that I was sure Matlock was indeed playing in Taiwan or Bombay or somewhere at this very moment. He said that he could find out rather easily but wasn't really inclined to at the moment. I noticed he'd found a loose thread in his robe to worry with.

When the news announced that there was more fighting somewhere and America or Britain or Australia were involved, God stood up and said "I'm going back to bed 'til this is over". He said he hoped there were no more pictures of war dead, but if there were he was sure the Americans would do it and would say they had His OK. God was tired and couldn't be bothered.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

Every once in a while, for no apparent reason, God just has to laugh out loud. The last time he did it, was June 8th, 1967. Nobody knows why he did it, but it was a good day.

God is happy they don't name hurricanes after him. He'd be tempted to make one worthy of his name, and he hadn't done that since the incident with Noah.

God heard Pat Robertson's prayer to force a few Supreme Court Justices to retire. He's kind of hoping Pat will read that book he's always thumping, or retire himself.

Posted by asQmh (Member # 4590) on :

God thinks it's about time he sent Oral Roberts another memo.

Just for kicks, God hung a sign on the Pearly Gates reading "Here be Dragons."

God like Mennonites 'cause he really likes saying "ordnung."

Posted by asQmh (Member # 4590) on :

God thinks this post should be routinely bumped.

*bump*

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

I said this earlier:

God loves a good bump, but then again, who doesn't?

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God uses the Sword of Damacles as a letter opener.

Posted by asQmh (Member # 4590) on :

God wishes he got more letters.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God is really excited to see Jeff Getzin posting again!

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

but then again, who isn't.

[ July 29, 2003, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: Dan_raven ]

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

And lo it was written, for when so forth any new wave of members by herewith enter upon the realm of Hatrack, thee shall'st take thy mouse and bump this, thou thread of Bob.

And so I bump'th this thread.

And addeth to it.

God spelled backwards is Dog. Bob spelled backwards is Bob. You figure out who got the cooler name.

God doesn't like parting seas. The world looks much neater with a few miles of water smoothing out the rough edges over most of it.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

God originally took perverse pleasure in making chocolate fattening and celery so healthy, but since the advent of Krispy Kreme he's really starting to regret it.

God wishes Squicky would be on AIM more. No wait, that's me. [Frown]

Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :

God was about to name the Earth after himself, but he thought that would be pretentious.

That still doesn't keep Saturn from ribbing him.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God invented the Universe because he got really sick and tired of searching for real estate every afternoon.

God created a special circle of Hell for real estate agents. Imagine his surprise when He saw it listed as "Hot Neighborhood -- LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION!"
[Evil Laugh]

Posted by Fishtail (Member # 3900) on :

Even God thinks the A-10 Thunderbolt is a really cool airplane.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

Darn tootin', he does.

Posted by StigLarson (Member # 5579) on :

"God wonders why he's always associated with fish. I mean, he likes fish. He just likes budgies better"

God does not prefer Budgies. After a hard day, He wants to chill with His aquarium.

[ August 31, 2003, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: StigLarson ]

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God would like to point out to all aspiring singers that the human voice was never intended to warble. The only reason he let that design pass was that he thought he might enjoy yodeling now and again. He doesn't like that either.

Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :

God thinks Christmas has become too materialistic but secretly really enjoys office Christmas parties.

God doesn't like elevators. They just creep him out.

God would like to have casual Fridays, but is yet to find a pair of jeans he likes.

After careful consideration God has decided that Ralphie is right, and the Gay Train smilie is overused.

God didn't mean to make cockroaches so indestructible. It just happened.

God never has to edit posts for typos.

[ December 04, 2003, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: imogen ]

Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :

[Cry]

I warble.... [Frown]

Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :

God always laughs at his own jokes.

God thinks he's pretty funny actually.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God thinks that Ryuko's smile and her choice of ice cream flavors makes up for an awful lot of warbling.

Posted by Scythrop (Member # 5731) on :

God knows he invented miniature poodles for a reason. He just can't remember what it was.

God loves academy award night. He always feels so popular.

The first draft of peanuts didn't have shells. But one night God got bored in a bar...

God, Allah and Buddah have a monthy card game. They always all break even.

God would like it known that reality TV was never part of the plan.

That said, he did watch American Idol.

But he never voted.

Well, okay, just that once.

But not for Kelly Clarkson.

God is planning on installing traffic lights in heaven. They will all be green, all the time.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God just this minute invented the uber-meme.

Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :

God hates it when the "God, you say!" thread is bumped and the "It's Sacrilicious!" thread is not.

Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :

God loves new pages but hates not getting to them first.

[ December 05, 2003, 01:47 AM: Message edited by: imogen ]

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God loves that new soul smell.

Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :

[Blushing]

(I loves me some Bob_Scopatz)

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

please, not here. That would be Sacrilicious.

Posted by StigLarson (Member # 5579) on :

God would appear in public more often but is worried people might mistake Him for Charlton Heston.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

God avoids mirrors because if He catches a glimpse of Himself in one, He just stops and stares. You can't help but admire perfection.

All the really cool animals are the extinct ones that God didn't want to share with us anymore.

God likes to watch movies in the total light spectrum, rather than just the visible one. It helps Him feel like He's really "in the movie".

God writes really good books, but never publishes for fear everyone would just read them over and over again and never do anything else.

Man really wasn't made in God's image. That was just something God made up to make humans feel better about looking like primates.

When God laughs while drinking water, wine comes out His nose.

The dinosaurs actually became extinct when God hocked a loogie at the Earth and all His bacteria killed every living thing on the planet.

Whenever God feels his popularity being threatened He lets a natural disaster happen, and His numbers shoot right back up.

God's Nintendo 543873865132132678 really kicks ass, but sometimes He just prefers the original.

God really liked quantum mechanics until He found out that there might exist a universe where He couldn't do everything. That was just...right...out.

God thinks that if Monty Python liked His Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, they are really going to flip over His Unworldly Warhead of Antigua.

God had Dante come up with an extra Circle of Hell designed especially for televangelists.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

quote:
When God laughs while drinking water, wine comes out His nose.

Good one!

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God is trying desperately to find out who keeps leaving stacks of stale communion wafers in front of Jesus' door.

[ December 06, 2003, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]

Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :

God finds that 2am is the best time to go to Walmart.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

God used to post on the forum but stopped because 2/3 of His posts were corrections and people were getting angry.

It's good to be the God.

Over 99% of the fruits and vegetables that God makes with the images of Jesus or Elvis on them aren't recognized, and just end up in pies and casseroles. How many miracles have you eaten?

It's difficult for God to enjoy reading a good murder mystery because He always knows how it ends.

No one really likes arguing with God because He thinks He's always right.

You can tell that God plays dice with the universe because every once in a while He yells out "Yahtzee!" for no apparent reason.

God never met long odds He didn't like. Ability to alter the laws of probablility has nothing to do with it, probably.

God alwys knows just what to say to cheer you up. Whether He'll actually say it is another matter.

Using God's name may be in vain most of the time, but those times He actually does damn what you ask Him to, boy, is it worth it!

A lot of people seem to want to be touched by God, but God doesn't want to be touched by them because He knows exactly where they've all been!

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God has a plan for you. Its central theme, however, is to keep you guessing until the very end.

[ December 18, 2003, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

Johny-Not-So-Bravo is my hero.

God planned the end of the world to fall on a Friday the 13th, but changed his mind.

God is not really that superstitious, he just hated to ruin a good Friday.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God has decided his next world will be made entirely out of chocolate with a nice gooey center.

Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :

And fewer nuts.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

[ROFL]

Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :

God knows how far it is to Tipperary (it's a long way, He knows).

Hobbes [Smile]

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God thinks that 13,000 posts is very Paulist.

[ January 26, 2004, 08:33 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]

Posted by jehovoid (Member # 2014) on :

God knows it's only rock and roll, but it's drowning out the harp music.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God says its not the number of posts, its the quantity that counts.

God knows its really the number.

God put in a 7,586 post minimum to get into heaven.

God built a city or Rock n Roll. It lasted about as long as the city he built on a cinimon roll.

Few people realize the final judgement will be an essay test.

And neatness counts.

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :

quote:
Few people realize the final judgement will be an essay test.

And neatness counts.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God had every intention of making man immortal, but then he realized what that would do to real estate prices and dropped the idea.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God thinks that the semi-permeable cell membrane is one of His best ideas ever.

Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :

God really wishes people would stop wearing Paisley.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God is not sure this Sees All thing is as good as its cracked up to be. He reconsiders it every time two 70 year olds have sex.

Posted by Rhaegar The Fool (Member # 5811) on :

I love offensive humor.

Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :

God isn't sure where The Quote came from, and every time the Devil is feeling nasty he wanders by and shouts it.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

When God and Adam posed for the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, God first built up a good charge of static electricity by dragging his feet over the carpet.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

God was once obsessive compulsive about neatness but cured it by inventing entropy. The result was the Big Bang.

God thinks the worst thing about being famous is that so many people who hardly ever talk to Him call Him up and ask Him for favors.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God thinks those analogies about life being "a marathon" are a little bit off. It's more like a relay race and we need each other to win.

Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :

God has noticed a degree of sappiness sneaking into Bob Scopatz's posts of late.

God doesn't mind though - he thinks dkw is pretty great also.

Posted by keedokes (Member # 6301) on :

God doesn't usually like to admit it, but he really doesn't know how the air gets into bubble wrap.

Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :

God is big on desserts, especially with second helpings.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God has often considered making a deal with human beings that if they'd stop killing each other, he'd give them power over either time or transmutation of matter.

Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :

God reviewed his notes in confusion, trying to recall what he had promised and/or gifted to innumerable souls.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God snuck into the Alabama Supreme Court Building and put up a monument with these quotes on it, but the Supreme Court had them removed as a church/state issue.

God approves of the Supreme Court and most of their recent decisions. Its the name that he doesn't like. After all, his is the SUPREME COURT.

God ended the Plague one day when Peter misplaced the keys to the pearly gates, and the backup stretched for miles.

Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :

*bump*

Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :

God loves a good bump.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

God wants everyone to know He doesn't recall telling Bush to declare war on Iraq as Woodward's book suggests.

Old Yeller gets resurrected in God's special edition DVD.

The pope gets cocky sometimes and God has to remind him that he's God's Head Bitch.

God's contract specifies He can't make a mistake, which is why He had His lawyers insert the standard "mysterious ways" clause.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

Truth be told, God did not etch the secret to eternal life onto each of our hearts. In fact, it can currently only be found on the left ventrical of Albert Crittendon, 4200 Maple Leaf Court, Millerstown, Ohio. Through an unfortunate manufacturing defect, the rest of our hearts were imscribed with the lyrics to Mandy by Barry Manilow. Which is the only reason on Earth that that song ever became a hit.

You'll be happy to know that the release of Humans 6.0 will correct this problem.

You might not be happy to know that the release of Humans 6.0 has been delayed by a few million years, but is due out any day now. They'll be faster, smarter, less prone to disease, and able to perceive God directly and unequivocally. Oh yeah, and they'll be able to see into the ultraviolet and hear in the ultrasonic ranges where God lives. Humans 6.0 will treat previous releases as slaves.

Sorry.

The good news is we'll have a thousand years of peace before God moves on to his next project.

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :

There is already a flaw in Human 6.0, though. The song, "Mandy," which was mistakenly inscribed on the left ventricle of Albert Crittendon, has mutated, and is now genetically lodged (pretend this is scientific) in the vocal chords of all new models. Instead of spouting God's word, all humans of the new order will be born singing "Mandy," not in the voice of Barry Manilow, but in the voice of the young, flame-haired John Stevens from American Idol. Like God, he just doesn't seem able or willing to die.

[ April 25, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]

Posted by foundling (Member # 6348) on :

:eyes Bob suspiciously: God seems to have gone on a bit of a sci-fi kick lately. Are you sure it's God who's planning this rollover? Hmmm???? Or is it BOB who intends to supplant the current human regime with a better, more theocratic model? We're on to you BOB.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God is not very happy with the current fad of wearing flip-flops that has swept through heaven. He's going to smite the next one who comes in wearing them to a business meeting.

The good news is God has a mansion waiting for you in heaven. The bad news is you're the janitor. Oh, that and the place needs to be fixed up for the new tenants by this time next week.

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :

(HEY! I like Mandy! [Razz]

)

Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :

God thinks thong underwear is okay as long as it's not paired with low-rider pants.

God thinks humans should pay more attention to their pets because animals can hear Him. Your pets are just trying to pass along the love, people.

edited to add the word "should"

[ April 25, 2004, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: CaySedai ]

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

I wonder what God was trying to tell Roy when Roy's white tiger mauled him. Was that just tough love?

Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :

I think the tiger was saying, "I quit!"

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

When God gets dirty it takes 40 days and 40 nights of showers for Him to get clean again.

God's thinking about substituting "You're fired" for lightning bolts when smiting people.

God's also thinking about renaming Noah's flood by calling it Extreme Earth Makeover.

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :

JNSB,
Queer Eye for the Straight Gaia?

Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :

God says "your parents were right" but refuses to be specific.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

God wants Elizabeth to know that if she continues to imply that He's gay many more times, she's going to be fired. In the literal sense.

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :

God understands that he needs help with his redecorating, that's all. There is no implication that He himself is gay. While He might not approve of homosexuality, He does appreciate the Fab Five.

Posted by jehovoid (Member # 2014) on :

Jesus had a Fab Twelve.

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :

God knows who the ghost bumper was.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

Not even God knows the purpose of hail. He's pretty sure it's a metaphor for something. Anyway, it seemed a good idea at the time.

While it is true that God wanted George Bush as president in 2000, it was all part of the plan to end the world soon.

Cats are God's reminder that granting man dominion over all the Earth really didn't amount to that much.

God likes Annie's pants.

Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :

We're all going to hail, might as well enjoy the view on the way.

-Trevor

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

When God gets angry, He counts to infinity ten times. Then He smites someone.

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :

quote:
God likes Annie's pants.

*chokes trying not to spew coffee at screen* [ROFL]

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :

Actually, Bob, God does not believe in corporal punishment. He gives end of time-outs.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

God has a lot of fun at concerts. When the band starts playing a really good song and everyone is pulling out their lighters, He sends up a big pillar of fire.

God had to use stealth technology to hide heaven when people started using telescopes and venturing out into space. Darn scientists!

God signed the first bit of life with a DNA signature that would be passed on to every living thing that evolved from it to prevent copyright infringement.

God makes the earth spin, the sun rise, the heavens rain and the plants grow but He absolutely refuses to take out the garbage for you.

Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :

God has considered showing Himself to the multitudes, but only because He's a little jealous that Jesus and Buddha both have their own bobble-head dolls.

God used to style Himself as "All-Knowing", until He was forced to admit that He has no idea why Wal-Mart stocks 179 models of ink pen, or why we keep buying them.

Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :

God knew that doing laundry would be a tedious bane of the masses on weekends.

That's why he made us naked, originally.

AJ

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God knows who will win the US 2004 election, but he's keeping it as a Christmas surprise, Christmas 2008.

God thinks people are too stressed out about the whole voting thing, and thinks rereading this thread will be good for you.

God had a pet brontosaurus, but he got rid of it when it refused to use the paper in heaven.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

With God, it really is the thought that counts. He already has everything else.

God always knows what to get you for Christmas. Too bad your secret Santa is actually that annoying guy, Ted, from accounting, huh?

God has "billions and billions" of Christmas lights up year round. Yet somehow they're never tacky, always beautiful and often inspirational. They twinkle in place, shoot acroos the sky and move in intricate dances. That must really irk Mr. Finkle, who spends about $5000 every Christmas season on lights that he can only keep up for 2 months, tops.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

When God writes in the Book of Life using a purple pen...watch out! You DO NOT want to see purple ink in your entry!

Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :

God wants this thread bumped. Really, he does.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God moves in mysterious ways. That's why he has patent #A000001 at the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

God gets an awful lot of what we would call "prayer spam" but He has an awesome filter that detects Real Need (trademark). And no, God does not need bigger breasts, a larger penis or refinancing, so stop asking!

God would buy the world a Coke and keep it company except 1) He already does keep the world company, 2) the Coca Cola company certainly doesn't need more money, and 3) He already gives us water for free.

God thinks that if people knew the real reasons things happened, they would be a lot more careful about what they did.

Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :

God wrote only some parts of the bible, but he forgot which ones.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God doesn't need a spell checker. Then again, neither did Merlin

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

God doesn't panic.

God is a juggernaut. Everyone who says juggernauts cannot exist is wrong!

God always looks on the bright side of life. This makes the dark side of life feel sad and a little lonely.

God is everywhere you DON'T want to be, but He can't use any credit cards while He's there.

You better watch out! If you aren't evil when you die, God will try to take your soul!

Yes, God would LOVE a cup of coffee. Eternal sleepiness is the price of eternal vigilance.

[ May 01, 2005, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: JonnyNotSoBravo ]

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God makes a mean cappucino.

God's doodles come to us as crop circles.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

"You see, Jimi, that's not the wind crying Mary. It's God."

God used to tell Jesus all the time, "Suck it up and take it like a God!"

What if Darwin was more right than he knew and God actually looks like a monkey?

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God fit a whole year of posts on one page, but since I'm not God, I didn't quite make it.

Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :

While God is tolerant of all sodas, he secretly likes Vernors Ginger Ale best.

Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :

If God wanted, his registration date at Hatrack could be A Really Long Time Ago.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

Icarus didn't really fly too close to the sun. God just trained a magnifying glass on him as punishment for his hubris.

God doesn't believe in Might makes Right, but in His case it's true.

When humans wonder why something happens, they ask, "Why, God?". When God wonders why something happens, He asks, "Why not?"

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God thinks people are thankful for the weirdest things...but you're entirely welcome!

Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :

bump

Posted by suminonA (Member # 8757) on :

OMG!

Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :

[Big Grin]

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God thinks diabetics are really sweet.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

God thinks that Bob's jokes are very punny.

God likes to run around in a T-shirt that has arrows pointing in all directions and reads, "I'm with you." Most people don't get the joke.

God sometimes combines a section of hell with cockroach heaven to save space.

God knows He's getting out of shape when He bowls in the 290 range.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God has been known to trade in his beautiful white robes for an old frayed flannel bath robe on casual Fridays.

God doesn't do too many casual Fridays.

Posted by JennaDean (Member # 8816) on :

quote:
God sometimes combines a section of hell with cockroach heaven to save space.

Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :

Here's the other one.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God is wondering what to do about this bump.

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :

Have it checked?

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

God doesn't worry to much about the Bump, its the Grind that gets them every time.

God loved the look on the Rabbi's face at his son's school's "Father/Son" day picnic.

Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :

God was thinking this was the only way to get Bob to post at Hatrack more.

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :

God feels like he should be offended by today's Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal strip, but every time he tries to put on his stern face about it he starts laughing.

Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :

God wonders if people think of the Bible as a big book of spoilers for all the God movies.

God wants you to know that although The Passion of the Christ and The Last Temptation of Christ sound like they are very similar films, they’re not.

Spoiler alert: God found that, surprisingly, God’s Not Dead is NOT the sequel to The Passion of the Christ.

God is starting a petition to get The Passion of the Christ listed as a horror film.

God thinks there should be trigger warnings before all the movies with the Crucifixion in them.

God thinks it’s funny that the movie Christine stars a car that gets resurrected a lot.

God knows all the best spoilers and Easter eggs, but His page detailing them all is impossible to find.

God is BOTH a cat and a dog Being. The explanation for this is something akin to the Trinity.

Sometimes when you yell, “Oh Jesus” as your cousin’s friend takes that corner a little too fast, it’s not in vain - God actually does have to help you not die.

Posted by PanaceaSanans (Member # 13395) on :

This is great. [Big Grin]

I had not found it.

Personally, I never fail to chuckle at:

... and on August 25th, 1900, God spoke: "Nietzsche is dead."

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God is glad you like it!

God is still on the fence over whether or not web-based meetings are a good alternative to being there in person.

God lost his premium status on Delta's frequent flier program

Posted by Darth_Mauve (Member # 4709) on :

God will build that pearly gate, and have the devil pay for it.

Posted by Elcheeko75 (Member # 13292) on :

God is really disappointed that no one got Andy Kaufman. It's just not funny if you have to explain it.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God is equally miffed about Hunter S. Thompson. C'mon people...really!

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God likes to say hail with a southern accent so people wonder if he meant "hell."

Posted by Jacare_Sorridente (Member # 13443) on :

God has over 6 billion followers on twitter

Posted by Elcheeko75 (Member # 13292) on :

God would have been done with creation in 4 days, but it was originally a group project and Odin just copy pasted his part straight from Wikipedia.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

Lol.

God suspects some of those "pray for..." Memes are part of an elaborate denial of service attack attempting to flood Heavan's prayer banks in advance of a major recruitment drive by Satan.

Posted by Darth_Mauve (Member # 4709) on :

God has excellent Spam software for his incoming Prayer reception banks.

No, God will not change his plans for the entire universe because you asked him nicely to let the Cubs win this game.

God doesn't appreciate "alternate realities". He says, "Go with the name you can trust, Actual Reality, but by craftsmen who built to last."

Posted by Jacare_Sorridente (Member # 13443) on :

God is starting to worry that some silly silicon valley start-up company is going to ruin his entire supply chain by beating death

Posted by Stone_Wolf_ (Member # 8299) on :

God loves to call up Buddha at three in the morning and ask him if his refrigerator is running.

God reads and agrees to all service agreements.

God's phone never asks him if me meant to say "ducking".

Posted by Stone_Wolf_ (Member # 8299) on :

God once stood out in the rain in a tuutuu for six hours on a one dollar bet.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God invests with the long term in mind.

Posted by Stone_Wolf_ (Member # 8299) on :

God loves the joke "pull my finger"...Holy Ghost is not amused.

Posted by Stone_Wolf_ (Member # 8299) on :

God surfs Cyber Mondays, but avoids crowded Black Fridays.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God beeps your nose when you aren't looking.

Posted by Stone_Wolf_ (Member # 8299) on :

God always has a hard candy in his pocket for you, don't mind the lint!

Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :

God is not afraid of cleaning the sink trap.

Posted by Elcheeko75 (Member # 13292) on :

God did, however, design the sink trap as a special punishment for people who can't use the word "literally" correctly.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

God invented 1950s science fiction movies to answer the question "what could possibly go wrong?"

Posted by Darth_Mauve (Member # 4709) on :

God isn't a fan of High Fructose Corn Syrup, but he does like to say High Fructose Corn Syrup. It just roles off the tongue.

God doesn't understand while the greatest sport ever created-tetherball--was never an Olympic Sport.

God doesn't make little green apples--but he does supervise their creation.