There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Posted by Maethoriell (Member # 3805) on :
soo many freakin dobies and impersonaters..
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
Knock, knock! who's there? Boo Boo who? Don't cry, it's only a joke!
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Clingfilm? Who on Earth actually calls it clingfilm?
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
A man walked into a bar carrying a black bag. he walked up to the bar, sat the bag down, and took out a teeny tiny piano with a teeny tiny man playing a jaunty little tune on it. Both couldn't have been taller than ten inches! The bartender was blown away.
"Wow, that's amazing!! How did you get that?"
The man with the black bag said nothing, but reached into the bag again and took out a golden lamp.
"I used this." The man with the bag finally spoke. "Just rub this lamp, and state what you want. But you have to speak loudly and clearly -- the genie inside is pretty hard of hearing."
With that, the man left to go to the restroom.
The bartender was intrigued, and immediately picked up the lamp, rubbed it, and said,
"I wish for a million bucks!"
Suddenly, the bar was thrown into turmoil. Untold numbers of ducks started flying in through the windows and doors, knocking over tables, breaking everything in sight, and scaring away frightened customers.
When the chaos had calmed down, the man in the bathroom emerged. He viewed the scene around him, stepping gingerly over broken tables and chair legs.
"What happened??"
The bartender was furious.
"Your stupid lamp is completely broken! I wished for a million bucks, and instead, I get a million ducks!"
The man with the black bag just shook his head sadly.
"You think I actually wished for a ten-inch pianist?"
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
I went to the store the other day for some quick Christmas shopping, and I was in there for only about five minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break? There are no handicapped vehicles in the area. I was only inside for a minute." He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner....I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
two eggs and a piece of bacon walk into a bar. bartender says "sorry but we dont serve breakfast"
Good to know someone is reading these. Not like I'm posting them just for myself.
[This message has been edited by dearperk27 (edited January 18, 2003).]
Posted by Dobbie (Member # 3881) on :
What did the piece of beacon want? A light beer?
Posted by SingingRing (Member # 4470) on :
A panda bear walks into a bar he then orders a sandwich and eats it when he is done he then takes out a gun shoots the bartender with it and walks out
a guy sitting at the bar runs out after him he taps the panda bear and says "Hey, what the hell did you do that for?" the panda bear replys "Look it up in the encyclopedia"
later that night the man is so perplexed that he listens to what the panda bear says and takes out his encyclopedia
he reads the "P" section..and reads behind "Panda Bear"
it reads "Panda Bear-- Eats shoots and leaves
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
quote:I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner....
ROFLMAO!
Really!!
See? It's gone now!!
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy walked around it and said, "Man that must have hurt."
Posted by Argèn†~ (Member # 4528) on :
LOL!
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
Never answer an anonymous letter.
Posted by Jacare Sorridente (Member # 1906) on :
A horse walks into a bar, the bar tender says "Hey, why the long face?"
Posted by Jacare Sorridente (Member # 1906) on :
A rope walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey rope, we don't serve your kind here!" So the rope walks out, ties himself up and unravels his ends. Then he walks back in.
The bartender takes one look at him and says "Hey, aren't you a rope?" The rope says "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
No keyboard detected. Press F1 to continue.
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
4. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
5. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
6. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
7. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
8. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
9. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
Eye halve a spelling chequer. It came with my pea sea. It plainly marques four my revue Miss takes eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a miss ache is maid It noose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
Why do women fake orgasms?
They think we care.
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
bumped! Thanks Icarus! Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
Did you know Helen Keller had a doll house in her back yard?
Neither did she.
Posted by dearperk27 (Member # 4346) on :
![[Smile]](smile.gif)