But don't tell her.
 

They're right.
 

hehehe
 

And I voted for Gore.

msquared
 

I have a nose. Don't tell ANYONE! it would destroy my reputation!
 

[This message has been edited by Baldar (edited January 28, 2003).]
 

The tattoo on my scalp reads "999".

I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy.

 

Bwah-ha-ha!
 

2) Once, I knitted three sweaters and a wool rug blindfolded -- in a pitch black room.

My deepest, then my darkest secret.

*feels exposed*

My deepest darkest secrets;

I am originally from Galifray.

I sold secrets to the Soviets, but they were the secret formula for "New Coke." They demanded their money back.

I am a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

I am an axe murderer. I killed fifteen axes in my time.

I have "Scopatz Disease". I find it physically impossible to pass up a bad pun, joke, or word play. I did not think it was contagious until I saw Baldar's posts.

I don't know when to stop typing posts. I just stretch them out with more and more useless lines.
 

And I'm a porn star.
 

(Ralphie's big secret--she likes to blab out other peoples deep dark secrets).
 

I am the Sith Lord formerly known as Anakin Skywalker.
 

edit:...actually, one of my secrets is that i KNOW who Raphie is. And he doesn't scare me at all.

[This message has been edited by Leonide (edited January 28, 2003).]
 

I shoot 82% from the line, but have no idea what that means.

I have been waiting my whole life to find just the right moment to use the phrase "Heavens to Mergatroid!"

I "christmas treed" the PSAT, SAT, GRE and MCAT.

I once colored so far outside the lines, I ruined a perfectly good ceiling fan.

I lip-synched backup harmonies for Milli-Vanilli.

I flirted with Danger until her boyfriend showed up.

I'm really into instant gratif... ah, forget it, took too long.

 

Are you all for real?

I'm dying to know -

and I have no secrets - I learned early on it's too dangerous to have a secret.
 

I'm not a big mouth. I stink at pong.

Poly is only clever on the first Tuesday of every month, when Patrick sends her the child support check and she can afford to buy the devil's liquor that she likes so much.

Well, if Patrick hasn't spent it on booze and whores like he usually does.
 

Grrr!
 

There is an airline "problem customer" policy named after me.

I can't be everywhere at once!

I don't even have a lawn.

...

Hi. My name is Bob, and I'm a Hatcrack addict.
 

That was after her botched sex-change operation. Before that, "Ralph," or "Tony," as he was better known, was the intellectual force behind Galactica 1980. He also played Roscoe P. Coltrane on The Dukes of Hazzard.
 

BTW, can anyone guess the origin of my previous reference?
 

[This message has been edited by Icarus (edited January 28, 2003).]
 

Says one customer Michelle, a retired barfly and mother of seven, "He seemed like he really knew what he was doing with the computer I won in the case against my [expletive deleted] ex-husband and his [expletive deleted] new wife and all their [expletive deleted] fancy stuff. It seemed it really was posessed by, I dunno. The devil, or maybe Satan, or something. I couldn't get the little [expletive deleted] to stop popping up advertisements of me and my new movie with my step-sister - I don't want my kids seeing that kind of filth up there! Anyway, so Poon comes over and he's all, 'You need to just let me talk to you computer and explain Jesus to it and I will exorcise the demons that dwell therein and force it to sin and be an abomination against God and show you're children the crack-[expletive deleted] that you really are.' Something like that. So, I was like, 'Sure!' and he was like, 'Well, then, leave so I can get to work.' And so I left. Well, twenty minutes later I come back and, well, I don't know what kind of mojo he worked with Jesus but the computer was gone and the TV and the new Firebird I had just bought with these [expletive deleted] playboy decals I had just gotten put on by my boyfriend, Jimmy? That's when I knew something was up."

After this and many more compelling testimonies, Poon was actively hunted and, to this day, avoids the long arm of the law.

(Unverfied sources say that Poon also fathered another child with Michelle and she would like information on how to contact him regarding payments.)
 

Really, I do look like that, but that picture is actually a self-sculpture. Like it?

Also, if I ever run into that "poon" fella, I'll be sure to administer the Emperor's justice to him, too.

[This message has been edited by Polemarch (edited January 29, 2003).]
 

Dear gGod, now I really have revealed a deep, dark secret.

 

I paid full price to see 'Attack of the Clones.'

I will never live down the shame.
 

Ok, More secrets:

Every time that stupid rabbit comes on TV, I want to be a cereal killer. Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids. 55 Caliber, depleted uranium, armor peircing rounds are for rabbits.

I have a problem chewing on nails, especially those of certain super models that I am stalking.

I built the Berlin Wall, but honest, I was just building a patio out back and got carried away.

I should be working now.

I am actually rubber. Ralphie is really glue. Whatever she says about me, bounces off and will stick to you know who.
 

I once sat in a tree for 40 days to protest against squirrels.

I'm on the "chronic caller" list of my local psychiatric helpline.

I mentally make air quotes when I tell people that they've done a "good job."

My dog writes all my material.

I have onanism-induced carpal tunnel syndrome.

*nervous laugh*

Just kidding, guys. Of course I've read Card.

*nervous smile*
 

I peeked into the medicince cabinet at Cor & Icarus' house when they had us over for a meal.

I have commissioned a Tupperware coffin to be buried in.

The Helvetica Bold font triggers a violent rage in me.

I am a shorter, rounder and less self-motivated version of Abe Lincoln.

I can melt butter with my mind -- it takes awhile, but I can do it.

I have all of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction in my attic crawl space.

The secret identity is Madge.

I firmly believe that all this Clark Kent stuff is nonsence. Superman's secret identity is really Perry White.

I am Bob.

But Bob doesn't know it.

Aliens once came to abduct me. All they did was stand around, point, and giggle.

Their giggles sounded a lot like the Wench's.

I can bend a spoon with my mind. I lay the spoon on the table, and hit it repeatedly with my head.

Bending spoons with your mind gives you headaches. To much mental strain I guess.

quote:

---

I'd like to close my eyes, go numb,
but there's a cold wind coming from
the top of the highest high rise today.
It's not a breeze, 'cause it blows hard,
yes and it wants me to discard
the humanity I know - watch the warmth blow away.

Don't let the world bring you down,
not everyone here is that f***** up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive,
exprience the warmth before you grow cold.

---

I have a camera set up in Dan_raven's bathroom, but I won't tell him where.

Sometimes I like to smell the ends of Q-Tips when I'm done massaging my ears with them.

My famous "Chocolat Surprise" has Friskies in it. Not for flavor, but only because I like to watch people unknowingly tell me how good my Chocolat Friskies is.

I'm am Frisco.

But Frisco doesn't know it.

I feel trapped in a woman's body. Sometimes I get the prostate cramps real hard.

I only married Dan for his tight buns and promising financial prospects.

I've starred with David Bowles in at least one of his "El Pollo Erotico'" movies.
 

I have a watch strapped to my inner thigh, just in case.

When I hear "world beat" music, I go all Abo-on-yer-@ss.

I have the mates to all your mismatched socks.

I know why the caged bird sings.

I came up with the idea for double-stuffed Oreos.

If I hold my hand a certain way, it is a perfect replica of an F-16 fighter jet.

I'm stalking you right now.

 

I have a "Grand Funk Railroad" CD, and it's not being used as a coaster.

I own two pairs of undies, but one is only used for nasty spills and clean-up.

I run an underground organ transplant operation. I specialize in prostates.

Sometimes I get really drunk and scream "I love you - Take me back, baby!" at random houses for a minimum of thirty minutes, maximum of two hours.

I... I find CarrotTop entertaining and comedically enjoyable.

Sometimes I ignore the packaging and use the tweezers for things other than their intended purpose.
 

I don't use them for dusting.

I got them off the Internet.

It was Bob's web site.

He was using the money to buy some silly watch.

I watch the watchmen.

Its boring.

I do know where the camera is.

That's why I make those majestic poses.

Stop giggling. Stop pointing.

I am not the walrus. I just look like one.

Everything I type is a lie.

I type the above into every computer I run across.

Contrary to every 60's and 70's sci fi tv show and movie, I have yet to get one computer to explode afterword from a massive logical error.

I have to use a small amount of plastic explosives for that.

My name is ALSO Dan.
 

I like that in a group of people.

Did you all know that if you stick your finger in your belly button and sniff it, it smells? Amazing, isn't it?

I'm weird.

PS. I stuck my finger in my belly button. It didn't smell anything. Do you know if you stick your nose in other peoples belly buttons you get beaten to a pulp?
 

My secret is that I'm a Martian telemarketer with five left feet. Wow, it feels good to come clean.
 

I came up with the original idea for the first answering machine.

I have a birthmark in the shape of the old city of Jerusalem.

I use a hammer and chisel to complete most jigsaw puzzles.

I gave my dog rabies.

I'm making it up as I go along.

 

Tis sad but true.
 

I make my own cheese and beer in the bathtub and consequently haven't washed in years.

I have one ear that's been pummeled into a shape that is remarkably Ralphie-like. My nose now looks like Dan.

quote:

---

My nose now looks like Dan.

---

Think about that the next time Bob picks on me.

I can can-can. (is the Can-can another name for recyling aluminum?)

I ask strange questions and give strange answers.

I was Shan in another life.

I have been married for over 14 years and still only have unrestricted access to my own belly button. (My wife is ticklish)

I am lint gone crazy.

Its friday and I don't know what I'm saying.
 

I'm actually a cross-dresser named "Desire".

I haven't told my husband.

Before I take a shower in the morning I smell faintly of corn chips.

Sometimes I set up flares around my car in the right lane during rush hour to see how long I can get away with it.

I'm responsible for spray-on butter.

A worm crawled in my mouth and then I ate it.
 

I have rediscovered fire twelve times in my life.

I once gave a three-hour yodeling lesson to the Pope.

I had all my DNA changed over to RNA and I feel much better now.

I have a watch with a minute hand, millennium hand and an eon hand. And when they meet, it's a happy land.

But I'm VERY impressed that you knew it was a TMBG line. 10+ points to Icarus!!!

Oh, by the way, I am responsible for doling out points throughout the world.

 

Was it fun?
 

(long time gone, Constantinople.)

I will not do all the housework my wife is commanding me to. I will not. No way. Not today.

PS:

Ralphie: Does this mean I can blame everything I did wrong yesterday on you? If so, are you ever in deep trouble now.

Shan: I don't remember much of your past life. It could be because of the trauma of death and birth. Or it could be a whole lot of alcohol was involved.

Bob_S: If you give out all the points in life, what is the point of life?

Bye for now. Have to do housework.
 

quote:

---

I have the mates to all your mismatched socks.

---

Ooooh, I KNEW it! Curse you, Bob!
 

Birth and death are such transitory things, after all.

When you are done with your housework, would you help me with mine?

Not anymore..
 

I am secretly molding porcelain girl into a set of fine china.

Whatever I dream comes true with a vengence.

I control my road rage by running over famous authors riding bicycles.

My dog peed on the the tree of life.

[This message has been edited by Bob_Scopatz (edited February 02, 2003).]
 

I throw empty beer cans at my neighbor's head.

My cat has one hugely engorged nipple surrounded by dried, matted hair from all the nipple-sucking he does to himself.

I eat community beer-nuts in seady bars.

I... I think the Beatles are kind of loopy.

Dan: Am I responsible for last Friday? As long as you never find out where I live, sure.
 

I can find quality programming on the WB.

I'm a good actor.

I'm not really all that evil, but don't ever tell me I'm not, or I'll singe your eyebrows off.
 

JANE if you were so unimaginative you wouldn't have put the periods in your name. All you need is to create the real words your name is initial's for. My guess--Just Another Natural Enigma.

Ralphie--I told the police, my boss, and my Italian/American wife that it was all your fault. I wouldn't answer the door for a while if I were you.
 

fine, if you really insist....

I'm actually plotting world domination and am done with my first two phases.

Oh yeah, I'm actually quite intelligent too.
 

Now if only I could find a deep sea submursible and five cases of spam. Then I'd be truly on my way.

J.A.N.E--If I guessed that you were an Enigma, does that mean you are no longer an enigma? Ouch--Brain strain.

Now for my deepest darkest famous secrets....

I know what you did last summer.
but I'm not to sure what I did last Saturday night.

I am really Herbert Jr, and I'm spying trying to figure out what OSC has that I don't.

Heinlein is alive and well, living aboard the Gay Deciever--just not in this time frame.

Tolkien is alive. He sailed off into the west.

Frodo Lives, and babysits for my Aunt on alternate tuesdays. He no longer accepts gifts of jewelry.

Douglas Adam's ghost haunts the local public library. He just floats around and moans, "Censor this you old biddy."

Frank Herbert's secret is out. Spice is actually a Jalopena left in the sun too long.

Mark Twain is riding Halley's comet. He plans to get off, but every time it comes near, he takes a look around the world, and decided to keep looking for better neigbors.

Elvis lives--as a small fried food eating hill outside Memphis.

Poe is definately dead. He likes it that way.

Dan,Must have been a lucky guess... considering you never really met me and therefore you could not come to the conclusion that I am an enigma by reading a few posts on a list.
*continues to think*
Unless of course you have some deep dark secret that would allow you to come to those sort of conclusions via Hatrack. *stares at screen looking to see if there is a tiny Dan hiding behind the Submit Reply button*

*snerk*...Elvis...hill...hehehe

I invented the 14th - 32nd Inuit names for snow.

I sell all my empty pens to a guy who thinks they have invisible ink in them.

I am typing this with the severed hand I bought at a yard sale last week.

Porcelain girl is quite a dish.

 

Every junk email you have ever gotten is from me, directly or indirectly.

I'm secretly in love with Grima from TTT. (Though I wish he'd call me)

I boycott paper, so I write on papyrus, and I use a pair of Ralphie's underwear in place of toilet paper. Should probably wash those this week...
 

quote:

---

I use a pair of Ralphie's underwear in place of toilet paper.

---

That's a good way to get an infection!

I think I think, I think.

I know what secrets lurk in the hearts of men.
Nobody knows what secrets lurk in the hearts of women--especially Ralphie.

I gave a hand at someones fleamarket, and haven't seen it since.

Hi, My name is Dan Raven and I am an adult fan of Mathnet.

I tried to join the Mathnet Geometry Unit, because I love thier motto--To Protract and Serve.

I am the only surviving female pope.

I own more shoes than Imelda Marcos dreamed existed.
 

I had a dream about Hatrack two nights ago.
 

I like to wet my hands and then introduce myself to people. "Hi, I'm Bob from Urinalysis."

I once convinced some people that a booger I was playing with wasn't mine -- I'd just "found" it.

I have covered my walls with pictures of plucked chickens and turkeys being basted by women in nurses outfits.

My wife said she wanted me to butter her up. Three tubs later and she's still not happy.

[This message has been edited by Bob_Scopatz (edited February 05, 2003).]
 

quote:

---

I have a lot of hair in places you'd never expect it -- like in a giant plastic bag in my closet.

---

...I really do have hair in a bag in my closet. I just can't bring myself to throw it away! It's from when I got all my hair cut off in one fell swoop. So it's a bad thing?

yeah, now that I think about it, it sounds really creepy...
 

Similarly I am slightly overweight, yet by wearing tight pants and plaids, I am sure nobody can tell.

My fashion sence is exactly 37 years ahead of its time. (If that's true, and you have any taste, you really want to be dead by then--trust me.)

I know the world thinks I am sexy.

I have been known to be occasionally wrong.
 

I am surprisingly like a red rubber ball.

I came back as a bag of groceries accidentally taken off the shelf before my expiration date.

I find Buddha sexy.

The Q. doesn't really stand for anything. I made it up.

I am Lissande's subconcious, snarky comments.

"Subconcious and the Snarkys" would be a good name for a rock band.

[This message has been edited by asQmh (edited February 06, 2003).]
 

I am to sexy for my hair. That's why it no longer there.

I am on Sinus Tylenol. That means I may fall asleep in the middl......zzzzzzzz
 

I am stronger, faster, better.
 

Now, I fight crime as Freakishly Strong Boy. But when I change back into civilian clothing, I'm just Freakishly Jon Boy.
 

I once sucked on a pen until all the sheep got out.

I keep an octopus by my bed in case of emergency.

I took Mother Theresa out for a night on the town. She got very drunk and a little rowdy. You were wondering how she got all those beads, weren't you?

I lose weight when I sneeze, but I gain weight when I fart.

I live over an abandoned cemetery.

I was a Chippendale dancer in my youth.

 

My hero...
 

**bump**
 

inquiring minds want to know
 

I didn't apologize for when I was eight and I made my younger brother have to be my personal slave.
 

Q.
 

I was the first to quote TMBG in this thread.

I collect out of date prescription medicine and use the pills as Christmas decorations.

 

I do not suffer from insanity. I enjoy it.

I sold Bob some used mining equipment and a map to the Iraqi oil fields. I am rooting that he doesn't check out the map to closely and recognize its resemblence to a map of the Magic Kingdom.