Not, mind you, because the movie was bad. It was American Pie part three, nothing more, nothing less. Given that I enjoyed the first two I also enjoyed this one.
"So why," you ask, "is there a knot in your gut?"
Well.
All right.
Sit down.
Thor, my friend, I totally hear you, and yet we're coming at this thing from completely different angles. We both want The Girl™; we both want to be able to attract The Girl™. When Michelle said to Jim, "How did a pervert like you turn into such a nice guy," and Jim replied "How did a nympho like you turn into such a nice girl?" ...ouch. Yeah, that's the spot. Right there. Those are the heartstings, pull away. To the more cultured among you, it may seem odd that rather unfunny lines like that would make me feel anything other than snooty disdain, but the conclusion of the movie as a whole left me feeling all sorts of things. When Stifler's mom showed up and Finch told her "Now I know what I want in a woman," I realized that there was an interesting parallel there to my own life.
What Jim and Finch have both found (not to mention Oz, who isn't in this movie) is someone with whom they have both emotional and phyical chemistry (the latter is more commonly known as thermodynamics ). Someone who gives them that undefineable "Tingle." You know what I'm talking about . The Tingle.
Now, hold up. This isn't going to be a whiny post about wanting to not be single – dear god, no. Since my last serious breakup a year and a half ago I've been quite adamant about remaining single until at least graduation. The fact that school requires me to live my life four months at a time really helps that along, too. It's very convenient to be able to just pick up and leave at the end of each school term or work term, particularly if you're fleeing the scene of a disaster like I was a year ago.
I'll probably be whining, though.
I miss the chemistry. Which is interesting because I've only really had it once, and that was during my brief dalliance with the infamous Train Cutie #1. With no one else, ever, have I connected so deeply and so quickly on both physical and intellectual levels. My last girlfriend (The Girl, from the breakup 1.5 years ago) doesn't even come close. Train Cutie #1 didn't have long-term potential – she's nine years my senior – but I've got to say, she's exactly how I wish girls my own age were. And so, like Finch, I found an example of what I want in a woman. The degree of physical chemistry in particular was just ridiculous. Whenever we were in close proximity to one another we may as well have just been one body – not because we were glued together, far from it, but because we were somehow able to both anticipate one another's movements subconsicously. It would have been eerie if it hadn't been so hot.
So I'm seeing this girl. She wasn't single when we first started hanging out, but she is now, and while there's nothing official things have progressed since her breakup to the point that I'd say "seeing." In theory, she should be everything I've ever wanted. She's bright (biochemistry with a minor in english), has geek lust for hardware and electronics, likes video games (and is better than me at some of the ones I own), plays the piano better than I do, and likes hard rock.
But the Tingle isn't there, and the physical chemistry falls far short of what I had with Train Cutie #1. I don't deny that the Tingle is something that can on occasion develop over time. I'm normally a Tingle early on kinda guy, though.
So I find myself returning to the question that plagued me a year ago – how can I raise my chance of meeting girls like Train Cutie #1 above zero? I was sick of relying on serendipity a year ago. Serendipity is all well and good when you're looking for capital L-O-V-E Love, but I'm not in that position yet. Train Cutie #1 told me and taught me that I can afford to be picky about who I date, and I am. Not only that, but I even know what I want, which is saying something, because for a long time I didn't have a clue. The catch is finding it, and doing so without looking, multiple times. To reiterate, raising my chances of finding what I want above zero so that doing it more than once is possible. When I wasn't sure what I wanted, I sat down and thought about how I'd need to change my lifestyle in order to change the things about myself that I wanted to change... but now I don't know what I can do. I'm relatively happy with myself, and I just don't know what changes I can make to what I do to accomplish my goal.
*sigh*
I guess we'll see what happens in the fall. I'll be in the same place for eight consecutive months for the first time in four years, which could change the rules of the game a bit. I dunno.
[ August 17, 2003, 12:51 AM: Message edited by: twinky ]
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Twinky dear,
I am your senior by many years, but your wit and intelligence alone will derail any train. Just be patient. Do things you like to do, and be happy with who you are. That will shine through and make you hot as can be.
Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
(((twink)))
I'm with ya, man. *warning, this might get whiny *
I got dumped a few months ago by the second of only two girls who I've ever felt "tingly" around. Now I'm really just wondering what to do.
And by the way, thanks for your comments on Paul's "anyone with experience" thread. Almost everyone was helpful, but I found your comments to be the most useful to me personally. Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Thanks, you two. I really appreciate your words and thoughts.
It's not so much that I want to change things about myself now – I'm definitely happy with who I am and I'm confident in myself now. That took quite a bit of doing. Partly, I'm curious as to where the heck all of these girls I'd be really interested in are hiding... and partly I'm wondering if tehre's anything in particular I can do to attract them
I do definitely miss that chemistry, though, even though I don't want committment.
Oh, *#@$. *shakes fist at computer* ...iTunes, my audio software, just selected Painted on My Heart... one of the best mellow rockers ever... gah.
I've got your face painted on my heart carved up on my soul etched upon my memory, baby I've got your kiss still burning on my lips the touch of your fingertips is still so deep inside of me, baby
And yet I haven't even met the girl who is painted on my heart yet.
[ August 17, 2003, 01:16 AM: Message edited by: twinky ]
Posted by filetted (Member # 5048) on :
twink.
the first thing you need is a name-change, mr.
flish
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
D'you know what my name is? I agree that it can be a problem on occasion
...given that it's virtually impossible for a native English speaker to correctly pronounce it, and also that most people confuse it for the Indian version and put the accent on the wrong syllable.
Posted by filetted (Member # 5048) on :
no, I haven't got the foggiest idea what your name is, aside from the legendary stale "cupcake" you go by in your posts.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
*nods*
Yeah, most people miss the Calvin & Hobbes reference. Posted by filetted (Member # 5048) on :
totally missed the C&H ref.
oh well. you don't go by twinky in real life do you?
flish
Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
*is in exquisite pain*
Yarg! I'm one of the biggest Calvin and Hobbes freaks you'll ever find, and I had NO IDEA there was a CaH reference in your name! And I still don't see it!
*wails in agony*
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Moe calls Calvin "twinky."
It was the most obscure reference I could think of. Posted by filetted (Member # 5048) on :
who is "moe"?
Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
Oh! Duh! *smacks head*
"Hey, Twinky, gimme that ball!"
*feels utterly stupid*
Back to your regularly scheduled thread...
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
The class bully.
Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
Moe is the schoolyard bully who taunts Calvin.
Edit: I feel so obsolete these days.
[ August 17, 2003, 02:18 AM: Message edited by: Zotto! ]
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Posted by filetted (Member # 5048) on :
Sorry, all I could recollect was "moe" from the Simpsons.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
I haven't written any new music tonight, but I did throw together two decidedly mellow compilation discs:
Mellowship Slinky, Disc One
1. No Quarter - Tool (Led Zeppelin cover) 2. Krwlng - Linkin Park f/ Jon Davis (remix) 3. Painted on My Heart - The Cult 4. Outside - Staind 5. Comedown - Bush (acoustic version) 6. Little Girl's Eyes - Lenny Kravitz 7. Raining into Kyoto - ATP 8. The Size of Our Love - Sleater-Kinney 9. Strange Days - Matthew Good Band 10. Thief - Our Lady Peace 11. Black - Staind (acoustic Pearl Jam cover) 12. Wash it All Away - Evanescence 13. Passenger - Deftones f/ Maynard James Keenan 14. Alien - Bush
Mellowship Slinky, Disc Two
1. Unbreakable Theme 2. Lucky - Bif Naked 3. Metal Heart - Cat Power 4. Break Your Heart - Barenaked Ladies 5. Letting the Cable Sleep - Bush 6. Clair de Lune - Débussy (performed by Brent Hugh) 7. Magic - Ben Folds Five (thanks, Ophelia) 8. The Dolphin's Cry - Live 9. Disappearing One - Chris Cornell 10. Everlong - Foo Fighters (acoustic) 11. Angel's Son - James Lynn Strait f/ Lajon Witherspoon (of Sevendust fame) 12. Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay 13. Leave No Man Behind - Hans Zimmer (Black Hawk Down soundtrack) 14. Fields of Innocence - Evanescence 15. Evaporated - Ben Folds Five 16. For Martha - The Smashing Pumpkins
Posted by filetted (Member # 5048) on :
nice choices. love to listen at length.
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
I need to appreciate my husband more.
It's so easy to take things for granted that you've become accustomed to.
twink - I don't know if you'll find The Tingle. You most probably will because you're determined to, and you're an attractive, young, smart guy who will continue to improve with age. But even if it's not yours to find The Tingle again, any man who loves The Whale Rider has enough passion and appreciation of the subtle beauties to determinedly find happiness, within or without the confines of his expectations.
Oh, who am I kidding. You'll find it. And, of course, when The Tingle happens, it happens fast. Suddenly you're with this person for (ideally) the rest of your life. Then at some point it hits you how ironic it is that the waiting seemed to take forever.
Posted by filetted (Member # 5048) on :
moe twinky, moe music?!
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
Well put, Ralphie.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Thanks, Ralphie. Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
Ah, the Tingle. (sigh) The Tingle, I think, is either pure chemistry or karma. Perhaps in your last life, you and this person had a passionate love affair.
I had a Tingler, once. I loved him passionately, and I still do. My marriage might be in danger if I ever met that person again. But I broke up with him.
The reason is because he was not compatible with me for the long term. Our backgrounds were too different. Now, sometimes, I wonder if I should have made a go of it anyway. But I am actually quite happy with the way my life has turned out.
My husband, the man I chose to share my life with, did not make me Tingle. But he was right for me in every other way. He brought out the best in me, and helped me believe in myself. And intimacy was pleasant, although not as overwhelming as with the Tingle guy.
I don't know what advice to give. You can be very very happy without a Tingler. Sometimes passionate intimacy grows with time (after 6 years of marriage, the intimate part is exceptionally good). But you will always wonder.
I am satisfied with the choice I made. Be honest with yourself and follow the path in which you are the person you need and want to be.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
I dunno, Jenny... so far for me, if The Tingle isn't there then I invariably feel like there's something missing.
I realize that Tingle alone isn't enough to make a marriage work, for example, but I'm not at the stage yet where I would even begin to think about contemplating that sort of committment with anyone in a million years, The Tingle is definitely at #1 on my list of things to find.
[ August 17, 2003, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: twinky ]
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
Hey, you're young and single - go Tingle as much as you can! Just be sure to tell us all about it so we can live vicariously through you. Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
I'll keep you posted Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
By and large, I agree with Jenny.
However, I am exactly like you, Twinky.
There is a really great story by Harlan Ellison called 'Grail' which deals with the subject of true love. I recommend it highly. Reading it helped put my own search in perspective. Perhaps it will help you as well.
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
Harlan Ellison as self-help guru . . .
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Hmm. I wish I could say that The Tingle is not important to me. However, i met my husband at a party in college. I was drunk. he was lookin' fine in his jeans, holes in the knees, with long underwear sticking out.(this was before it was sort of a fashion in the late '80's.)
I asked him his sign. We were both Scorpios. I told him I needed a ride home, as my friends had left me stranded.(I had sent them packing.) He pretended to be duped by me, and the rest is history. It was Troubador Love at first sight.
For some odd reason, he continues to adore me and think I am beautiful, even though I think I am an old, fat thing. The Tingle has to last through the childbearing years, Twink, so it has to be a pretty strong tingle.
We were lucky.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Where can I find a copy of this story? Is it in anthologies? I'll look for it next time I'm at the bookstore. Thanks!
Elizabeth, when I was back in high school one of my best friends once observed "dude, once you love her she'll be hot to you." What you think about how you look isn't really relevant. To him, you're beautiful. That's what's important. Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
quote: Harlan Ellison as self-help guru . . .
You laugh, but through his sage device, he has helped millions of people. I used to be a 100 lb. pipsqueak, but after HE's help, I am a studly sexual tyrannosaurus of 105!
Twinky, the story is in the anthology Stalking the Nightmare.
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
quote:I do definitely miss that chemistry, though, even though I don't want committment.
So, you're saying that if you *did* find the chemistry, the Tingle, maybe even the girl of your dreams, you would give it up if the object of your affection wanted more of a commitment?
Pardon me if i find that baffling, and not a little sad.
why do so many guys feel this way
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
I don't for sure know how Twinky means 'committment', but I can sympathise with what he's saying from my own perspective. When you have a full life, and you enjoy your life, committing to someone else often means living their life, or the 'relationship life' to the exclusion of your life. Ideally, speaking for myself, I would want kind of two lives lived in parallel, with time set aside for relationship, rather than all free time for the relationship, which seems to be the norm. Hopefully, that makes sense.
I'm not sure that this isn't derailing the thread, by the way. Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
if you feel that being in a relationship will do that to your "other life," then that's a balancing thing that you have to deal with, not some inevitable conclusion. i just don't understand why someone would give up a really good relationship because they've decided they don't want a commitment. you shouldn't go into a relationship with someone else thinking that you don't want it to last for whatever reason...the "other person" might not be aware of your feelings, and plus you don't know how you're going to feel about the relationship once you're in the relationship. and if you are in the relationship knowing that eventually its going to end, why even be in it at all? can someone please explain this to me?
Posted by Pod (Member # 941) on :
i never asked you twink, what's your aim nick/icq uin?
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
>> So, you're saying that if you *did* find the chemistry, the Tingle, maybe even the girl of your dreams, you would give it up if the object of your affection wanted more of a commitment? <<
Right away? Yeah, I would. For several reasons.
First, I've done the long distance thing before, and while I don't regret it I'm not prepared to do it again in the near future. Until I know where I'll be after graduating, a relationship is a recipie for disaster.
Second, I'm pretty leery of "love at first sight" people. If the other person is already looking for committment after just a few dates I'd have to question their judgment. I ran into that problem last summer, which resulted in a mess and I wound up feeling angry and manipulated. Back when I was just looking to boost my self-confidence by meeting people at clubs and bars, even dating was too much committment. I just wanted to have a chat or a dance and that was it. I didn't make exceptions for even the most interesting and attractive women I met, because I simply wasn't ready. Right now I'm not ready to be someone's boyfriend; it's the same thing.
And, finally, the girl I'm seeing now really ought to be the girl of my dreams, but for some reason I don't get The Tingle. In the last year I've dated, however briefly, five women; one gave me The Tingle (Train Cutie #1) and one just flat-out rocks (the current girl). There are lots of women out there to be met... the part I want to work on is meeting more of them, not sticking to one. Not right now.
[ August 17, 2003, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: twinky ]
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
I didn't say right away, Twinky. but you're saying that you want the girl with the Tingle, but not for a long time. You want, what? a fling? you're gonna be hard-pressed to find a girl you both admire, respect, and feel that Tingle with, who's going to be content to just hang with you for a couple of weeks.
I never mentioned love at first sight. That's a lot of sentimental crap, imho. But you're contradicting yourself. You don't want a commitment, fine. What kind of a girl is going to give you everything you want out of a relationship without expecting more in return?
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
This:
>> What kind of a girl is going to give you everything you want out of a relationship without expecting more in return? <<
Makes me think that you're misconstruing my point. I don't want a relationship at all, and when it comes to dating* the other person doesn't have to do anything for there to be chemistry. It's either there or it isn't. Where are the expectations in that? I don't expect anything from the women I date, and four of the five also didn't expect anything from me. Having expectations is what causes problems. (Edit: "give me what I want" implies that she has to actively do something for there to be admiration, chemistry, and/or The Tingle; this simply isn't true.)
From my first post: My goal is to "[raise] my chances of finding what I want above zero so that doing it more than once is possible."
It's really a very simple goal. I'm trying to figure out whether or not there's anything I can do to raise my chances of meeting women with Tingle potential. If there is, I want to figure out what, and then do it. ___________
*Maybe our problem is semantic in nature. When I'm dating someone I am not in a relationship with that person; I use "relationship" to denote boyfriend/girlfriend.
[ August 17, 2003, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: twinky ]
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
Well, maybe where i'm having trouble understanding you is that final point...I don't see the point of dating people when you absolutely know its not going to go any further than that. I don't consider that dating. Dating is what you do to find the person you want to start a relationship with. What you're describing sounds like friendship with benefits, or am i misconstruing again? I don't want to offend you. This is just a little personal for me, sorry.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Oh, ok. I see what you mean now. Don't worry, I'm pretty hard to offend. You have to know which buttons to push.
>> Dating is what you do to find the person you want to start a relationship with. <<
This is true, but the difference between you and me here is that you would date with the intent of finding that person, whereas I'll just date without expectations, and if I happen to meet someone with whom I'd think about a serious relationship I'll have to think about it then and decide whether or not I'm ready. But that isn't my goal, it's just something that could happen; in your case it's the goal.
So we define the term 'dating' differently. For you it implies the intent of relationship-seeking, for me it's part self-improvement, part experimentation, and part 'friends with benefits,' I guess, to put it in your terms. Posted by Pod (Member # 941) on :
Twink: i use Trillian far more than i use AIM or ICQ (They're owned by the same bastards anyway)
Leonide:
Dating, (and i've heard it used this way) for twinky appears to be when two people go out on dates, and a relationship, would be exclusive dating, when one goes out with only one person.
My personal advice twink, is that perhaps you're going about this too intellectually. Finding one who makes you tingle isn't a matter of what qualities she's got, its just something you feel. I personally had come to a similar point to where you are now about 2 years ago, where i said "i'm going to stop worrying, and just let it go" because my previous mindset had been that statistically, it was highly improbable that i would be able to find someone who was the right one for me. With like 6 billion people out there, which one(s) would be the right one(s)? So basically i gave up trying, and sort of stumbled into a relationship with no expectations not too long thereafter.
Posted by Pod (Member # 941) on :
and twink, why ain't your ass online?
[ August 17, 2003, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: Pod ]
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Yeah, that's a good definition... though I do try to only date one person at a time
...as to being too intellectual... I dunno. I don't see it that way. I'd agree if I was looking for a relationship, that sort of thing is best left to serendipity. But what I'm thinking about is different, and I think it merits the application of some logic
[ August 17, 2003, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: twinky ]
Posted by Emperor Palpatine (Member # 3544) on :
Well, in my current relationship, Im definitely feeling that telltale Tingle, since Ive found someone similar enough to share my thoughts with, yet someone different enough to learn from, and a physical chemistry that definitely doesn't hurt .
However, the problem I face is that soon we'll both be going to college in the fall, and she's dorming 90 minutes away. I really want to keep this relationship, and Im willing to try this semi-long distance, but I'm realistic enough to know that it'll be hard to keep.
My take on The Tingle is that if you're putting yourself in a position where you can find it (or it can find you), you should be able to make the commitment to keep it. If, by chance, it comes without warning, then I can understand not wanting to commit.
Posted by ak (Member # 90) on :
I find a lot of this puzzling. First of all, you seek the tingle which you definitely found with Train Cutie #1, but because of a 9 years age difference that totally scotches any idea of a long term relationship? Can you explain that? That's just incomprehensible to me, but you say it as though it's self-evident, so perhaps there's no explanation. Maybe I am just unusual in having near total age-indifference?
Second, if you find the tingle in someone whose other attributes qualify, you still might want to walk away from her? I don't think I get that, either.
Do you have any sense that falling for someone and letting them fall for you, then just walking away, is a painful and destructive thing to do, both to you and the other person?
I think, in all honesty, from your description of what you're looking for, about 99% of decent, kind, stable, mentally healthy girls with good self-esteem would steer completely clear of anything resembling that. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think it's probably true. At least you're good enough to warn them ahead of time.
[ August 18, 2003, 07:24 AM: Message edited by: ak ]
Posted by Pod (Member # 941) on :
i wouldn't say that's true.
i think as long as everyone is honest in the situation, and means well (which would be part of being stable, and mentally healthy), then people can just hang out and have a good time. it should however be remembered that people can get attached.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Emp, 90 minutes isn't so bad. My last long-distance relationship spanned 1800 kilometres.
After some discussion with Pod last night, I realized that the reason for the confusion in this thread is that my first post mixes two separate trains of thought so thoroughly that they come off as a single one, which isn't the case. So here's a simplified -- and, hopefully, clarified -- version...
Each of these avenues of thinking has its own goal. I'll address the long-term one first:
I do ultimately want to find the Tingle again, but I don't want to find it right this minute because, obviously, I'm not prepared to commit. Finding the Tingle is a very long-term goal, but in my first post it seems like I'm looking to find it tomorrow; partly because I do miss the Tingle and partly because of the comparison between Train Cutie #1 and the girl I'm seeing now (who seems to have earned the nickname "Lord Voldemort" among jatraqueros).
That comparison of feelings leads me to the short-term goal, which is, put clearly, to figure out what it is that I want in a woman (and in a relationship, too, but that'll come much later). While I realize that things like the Tingle defy logic and rational thought, I feel it's important for me to do anyway as a way of understanding myself better, among other things. Until I started seeing Voldy, I had just assumed that if I were to meet a girl like her I'd feel the Tingle, and I might even want to commit (therefore I considered girls like her dangerous and tried to avoid them so I wouldn't hurt myself -- there's a girl kind of like this at school). But, hindsight being 20/20, it's become blindingly obvious that I shouldn't have made that assumption. Train Cutie #1 gave me the Tingle, but Voldy doesn't.
There is also a second short-term goal that ties into this, which is the one I've been harping on. When I know what it is I'd look for if I were looking for a relationship, I want to figure out how to increase the chances of finding someone with that sort of potential.
"Aren't you being horribly unfair to Voldy?" you ask? ...well, no. Having just gotten out of a lengthy relationship, she's even more leery of committment than me. In the meantime, we're just enjoying one another's company. This is precisely the same as what I did with Train Cutie #1, who was also uninterested in committment (though for different reasons). If you want to call what we're doing 'friends with benefits,' that's fine; all it means is that you and I have different defintions of 'seeing.' (That's the royal 'you,' by the way.)
My first post was a mishmash of missing the Tingle (and the physical connection) I had with Train Cutie #1 and thinking about more short-term goals for.
Hopefully this makes things more clear.
Edit: Pod speaks the truth. And I'm always completely open and up-front about my situation and my feelings on the subject of committment. The one disaster last summer happened because the other person said that not only did she not want committment, she didn't even want to date... which turned out to be a lie, and left me feeling manipulated when she basically tried to guilt-trip me into dating her.
[ August 18, 2003, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: twinky ]
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote:So I'm seeing this girl. She wasn't single when we first started hanging out, but she is now, and while there's nothing official things have progressed since her breakup to the point that I'd say "seeing." In theory, she should be everything I've ever wanted. She's bright (biochemistry with a minor in english), has geek lust for hardware and electronics, likes video games (and is better than me at some of the ones I own), plays the piano better than I do, and likes hard rock.
But the Tingle isn't there, and the physical chemistry falls far short of what I had with Train Cutie #1. I don't deny that the Tingle is something that can on occasion develop over time. I'm normally a Tingle early on kinda guy, though.
Twink, I have no advice, because I don't know anything, but I know just what you mean in this.
I've been on dates (not "dating") someone for weeks now, and he's smart, hot, likes to talk to me, getting his masters in engineering, truly-converted LDS, the right age, slightly worldly, listens to me, is always there, and there's no chemistry at all. I don't know what to do, but I do know I'm not going to talk myself into anything. It simply doesn't work for me.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Yeah, it's funny how it completely defies all rational thinking, isn't it? Pod mentioned last night that some studies have shown that the context in which you meet someone plays a very significant role in how your feelings for them develop. I'm inclined to agree. The only person I've been in a long-term relationship with was someone who was really close to me during a very traumatic experience. If that hadn't been the case I don't think I would have been head over heels for her for nearly as long as I was...
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote:Pod mentioned last night that some studies have shown that the context in which you meet someone plays a very significant role in how your feelings for them develop. I'm inclined to agree. The only person I've been in a long-term relationship with was someone who was really close to me during a very traumatic experience.
Oh, wow. That does make a lot of sense. *thinks* The first very serious relationship that I had - serious in name anyway, if not in mutual feeling - was because he was my first really, really great date, and because he was with me, holding my hand, when my mother died.
I think about it now, and I wonder "What on earth was I thinking?", but I remember what I thinking. I was thinking that if someone was a grand hero then, then he always would be. That wasn't true, but the circumstances make things scarier/harder/something to figure out. Oh heck, is it really all about timing?
[ August 18, 2003, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
I dunno. It's definitely partly about timing, though I hope that traumatic experiences aren't the only thing that affect us in these cases...
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*thinks* Maybe because we are generally happy with our lives, it is only traumatic circumstances that enbolden us to possibly change them?
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Hmmmmmm. It makes sense, but doesn't work in my context. I was already in the relationship at the time... I think what happened was that I got so used to her suppourting me emotionally because of it that I needed her as a rock to cling to.
Which is a magnificent setup for one of my favourite quotes from a Tool song
"This ground is not the rock I thought it to be." - Tool, Flood
I think it can work that way, though. All I'm saying is that both of our experiences highlight the context-sensitive nature of this stuff.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Some scientists think it has a lot to do with smell. Seriously. Pheromones, I guess.
Posted by Pod (Member # 941) on :
Just to put some reigns on the results of the study i mentioned, it was for the context of strangers meeting each other, not necessarily applicable to people who you already know from some context, and things like that. That sort of thing is alot harder to study
But people for instance, seem arbitrarily more attractive when one is single.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
). Someone who gives them that undefineable "Tingle." You know what I'm talking about . The Tingle. ![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
* ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
![[Kiss]](graemlins/kiss.gif)