quote: Trucks were rushing past and splashing dirty water on the windshield. The weather had been nasty all the way across Nebraska. The wipers weren't working too well so I had to stop at a gas station occasionally and squeegee the windshield clean. Lindy wouldn't get out unless the gas station had one of those big flat roofs over the pump area. She complained that she was already getting paler, and showed me her legs reflecting the water running down her window.
I told her with legs like that she could stop trucks if we got stranded. She gasped and cuffed me one, but didn't use the knuckles.
In Omaha, once we got off the freeway, the engine light came on so I nursed the car over to a Conoco and dumped a couple of quarts into the engine. When I started the car again the light stayed off so I dropped the hood shut and we went looking for a motel.
Lindy was mad at me about the car. She didn't want to get stranded and I guess I'd promised her the car would make it. It had been a good car in its day, a Cadillac DeVille, a land boat, fully electric. It had wood trim and soft leather seats. Built for trips like this. I hadn't counted on it running out of oil because it never had before. I knew I wasn't much of a mechanic, just a funnel and a rag in the trunk, and a jack and lugwrench I hoped I'd never have to use.
[ September 04, 2003, 01:07 AM: Message edited by: dkw ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Jeniwren: 32 Sarcasticmuppet: 31 Ophelia: 28 Christy: 20 Eslaine: 18 ½ Advice for Robots: 17 Caleb: 16 Belle: 16 Mackillian: 15½ Irami: 15 Morbo: 13 ½ Teshi: 12 Fugu: 10 Annie: 10 Twinky: 8 Nick: 7 ½ Saxon75: 7 BannaOJ: 6 Scott R: 6 Celia: 6 Deirdre: 6 Jon Boy: 5 Human 4½ esl: 4 ½ Ethics Gradient: 4 ½ Enjeeo: 4 ½ Leonide: 3 ½ Tom Davidson: 3 ½ Fitz: 3 Beren One Hand: 2 Katharina: 2 Jaiden: 2 Blacwolve: 2 GreNME: 2 Sopwith: 2 Papa Moose: 1 Locke: 1 Filetted: 1 T Smith: 1 Dan Raven 2 Pooka: ½ Punchdrunk: ½ Kayla ½
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Definitely a guy. And definitely talented, with a good colloquial voice -- although some of the sentence fragments are a bit choppy.
I say ScottR.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Nope.
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
I also think it is a man, and the part about the tan fading, in my opinion, seems to suggest someone from the south or west, so I'm going to go with Icarus.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Definitely American, almost certainly male. Something about the phrasing sounds to me like the author is in his early to mid 30s...
Slash?
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
Well, I think that a really good female writer could have pulled this off. It shows great pacing, and I find myself easily drawn in to a subject that, on the surface, would normally bore me to tears. This shows great craft.
mackillian.
Posted by Ophelia (Member # 653) on :
quote:and I guess I'd promised her
That is such a guy thing to say (the "I guess" about a promise).
This is really, really good.
Geoff.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to all.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
I agree that its most likely Male and American, either Western or Southern from the secriptions given. Probably older (past 20) since Car love is fading into Computer Love for most young (under 20) men. I say car love for though the driver claims not to be a car guy, he gives a name, brand, and rundown of the car.
I'd say ZGator
Posted by Deirdre (Member # 4200) on :
There’s a lot of stuff I like in this except, particularly the descriptive details, the world-weary and self-deprecating narrative voice, and the hints of dry humor.
I agree with Tom about the choppiness, though, especially in the last paragraph. The first and third paragraphs have some sentence structure problems, too, which I suspect have a lot to do with the excerpt’s point of view. The narrator seems to be stuck in a distant (zoomed out) point of view, even as he tries to describe exchanges better suited to an intimate (zoomed in) POV. (I have a similar problem, only I tend to get stuck in the zoomed-in POV.)
I agree that the author sounds male, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say sarcasticmuppet, who, if I am right, has done a fabulous job developing a plausible male voice.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No and no.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
The male voice is impeccable. If a woman wrote this I would be mightily impressed (certainly not a dingle-writer).
I think the tone is great, and the prose definitely brings to mind images of the many road trips I've been on. Not sure if it was intentional, but I think the resonance of the term "land boat" with the watery weather is nice.
The characterization is subtle. We do get a sense of the narrator's personality, but it's never foregrounded. There's a quality to the narrator that's not quite a latent misogyny; he doesn't seem a woman-hater as much as the type that rolls his eyes at the silliness of women.
So a guy... I agree that it seems like someone a little older. I don't think a younger writer would have used a Cadillac DeVille, plus there's just a maturity to the writing that I would have a hard time believing a new writer would be able to pull off. I get the feeling that it's someone who's been married before, or at least has been or is in a long term relationship.
My guess: Bob.
Posted by Deirdre (Member # 4200) on :
quote: There's a quality to the narrator that's not quite a latent misogyny; he doesn't seem a woman-hater as much as the type that rolls his eyes at the silliness of women.
I felt that, too. It made me wonder if he always feels that way (about either women in general or Lindy in particular) or if he's just reacting to Lindy's hostility. At any rate, she does come off as quite a hag, and he seems to see himself as very put upon.
Posted by Deirdre (Member # 4200) on :
To buy myself another guess, I’ll elaborate on what I said earlier.
quote:She complained that she was already getting paler, and showed me her legs reflecting the water running down her window.
Nice image, but the sentence structure could be stronger—too many present participles (“reflecting…running”). Also, as is, it sounds like she’s showing him the reflections on her legs, not the paleness of her legs, which happen to be reflecting the rain. You could go with “she was already getting paler, and showed me her legs to prove it,” but then I think you would have to zoom in closer to add the detail about the rain. I can’t think of any other way to do it.
Irami?
[ September 04, 2003, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: Deirdre ]
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
God, no -- unless Irami has learned how to do colloquial in the last few months.
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
lol@ Tom. I agree, but the emphaticalness of the statement made me laugh.
Posted by kwsni (Member # 1831) on :
I'd say David, if he were playing.
oh. wait. I'm not playing.
::runs away::
Ni!
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
kwsni is now playing! Yay!
Everybody's still wrong.
edit: Except the part where Tom said it wasn't Irami. That was right.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
I actually liked the sentence with the reflections on her legs. I thought it was a nice turn of phrasing, matching the overall tone well.
I ruled out David because I figured he'd have put in something in Spanish.
My next guess: Dan_raven
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Does that mean everybody's wrong about it being a guy, too? Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Correction: Every part that mentions a name is wrong, except when Tom said it's not Irami. This includes Saxon's latest guess.
I make no comments on the rest of the analysis. Posted by kwsni (Member # 1831) on :
hmm.
I suppose i need to give you a writing sample then
Ni!
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Two of the sentences in the last paragraph kind of mess up the regular rhythm of the flow. The "Built for trips like this" is a fragment and sticks out too much from the rest of the simple SVO sentences. The last sentence is almost a run on and uses one too many clauses separated by commas. It's jarring and harder to read.
I think the narrator is a bit more enthusiastic about the trip than Lindy is, by the way he tries to humor her. I'd like to know why they're on the trip in the first place.
With that, let me guess...Tom?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
kwsni, you don't need to be an author to be a guesser. Anyone can play. But if you want to send in an excerpt, that's okay too.
afr, no.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Yes. But you should delete that post, or people will guess you right away.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Ryuko.
Posted by Deirdre (Member # 4200) on :
I liked it, too, sax. That’s why I singled it out.
I also really like the second paragraph, but I’m torn because I feel that the bit about her legs getting paler should be in the second paragraph, not the first, but the image of the rain reflecting on her legs and the line about her cuffing him are both so strong I hate to move them out of the prime paragraph-ending spots they now hold. Maybe the author could shuffle things around a bit so the rain image opens the second paragraph.
Man, I’m stumped.
Sndrake?
(If I’m right, I think I should get double credit.)
edited: Oops. Second paragraph, not first. Thanks for the heads up, afr.
[ September 04, 2003, 09:30 PM: Message edited by: Deirdre ]
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
I don't know, Dierdre. Putting the image of the water reflecting off her legs at the beginning of the first paragraph would make it part of the setting, and take the focus off of Lindy and her seeming obsession with her skin getting pale. And I think the narrator is a little to macho to point out any innocuous images like that. He's pretty much giving a thin play by play narration as he sees it.
I think this could be Papa Moose.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
quote: I knew I wasn't much of a mechanic, just a funnel and a rag in the trunk, and a jack and lugwrench I hoped I'd never have to use.
He's a lot more mechanic than a lot of not-mechanics. If he is more of a mechanic than a not-mechanic (I know, so eloquent) maybe he should say that he knows a bit. If he is a not-mechanic, maybe he should know less?
Not a clue who wrote it, although I agree that it's probably written by a male person.
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
For some reason this reminds me of the beginning of Where the Heart Is, except from the perspective of the male.
I don't see why Lindy is mad. She'd have a right if the car actually broke down on the side of the road, but it hasn't yet. Maybe 'apprehensive' is a better word.
For my benefit and yours, a list of the already guessed: ScottR Icarus Slash mackillian Geoff ZGator me (har har Deidre ) Bob Irami Dan_raven Tom Ryuko Sndrake Papa Moose
I shall guess...flish.
Posted by kwsni (Member # 1831) on :
It's not flish, It's not random enough.
What about Leto? It kind of feels like his type of humor.
Ni!
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to everyone.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
How bad is it to flip off a pastor?
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Is it you, dkw?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
mac --
Ryuko -- no.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Did anyone guess CalvinMaker??
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
That is SOOOOO not an answer, dkw!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
dkw, you said anyone can play? Is there any process to join?
Posted by Deirdre (Member # 4200) on :
quote: I think the narrator is a little to macho to point out any innocuous images like that. He's pretty much giving a thin play by play narration as he sees it.
Possibly. I agree that the image seems out of place, but I figured it had more to do with the distance of the point of view. I didn’t see it as out of character because I took him for someone who acts like a tough guy but secretly notices little things like the reflections of raindrops.
Hmmmm...maybe that’s a clue. Could this be the crack—or, "dingle," if you will--in our mystery writer’s nearly flawless male façade?
Whattaya say, Jatraqueros? Would a guy ever pay attention to stuff like that? Or would he only notice legs?
(Karl Ed?)
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
I'm trying to figure out who would use a phrase like "cuffed me one." They've gotta be older, or from somewhere on the east coast - used to a dialect I'm unfamiliar with.
Wow. Everyone I would have guessed had been nixed.
Strider?
(And Kayla - you have no right to accuse me of using words that do not mean what I think it means when you use gems like "emphaticalness" )
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
But I used it correctly. Don't you like it? Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
rivka -- no process, just start guessing. Include critique, or I'll have to growl at you. I have a very scary growl. <---scary!
Everybody else -- no.
.
P.S., mac -- Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
How about you, dkw? Is this piece yours?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Since that guess is not accompanied by critique or rationale, it merits only a scary growl.
But since I'm in a generous mood, I'll also answer it. No.
[ September 05, 2003, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: dkw ]
Posted by Deirdre (Member # 4200) on :
Okay. Deep breath.
I think the aggravatingly elusive mystery author uses too many "...so I..." sentances: "wipers weren't working too well so I had," "light came on so I," "the light stayed off so I," and so on.
Caleb?
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Hmm. You know, if the Cadillac runs out of oil here, chances are its engine will freeze before the end of the story.
Is Lindy really just mad at the narrator for not making sure the car had enough oil? Or is she mad about something a little deeper than that, and the oil problem is just the proverbial straw? I don't think she wants to be on the trip at all. She's scared of being anywhere where her skin doesn't look as tan.
Two obvious attempts to draw out the author.
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
I don't see it as Lindy having a deeper problem. I see it as a kind of quirk of Lindy's. It might not be a big deal, just this thing that our protagonist puts up with. I think the POV is excellent, and though he is not thinking towards her as I would to my signifigant other, I think that many men would have this attitude. I've experienced that in the past. I can identify with this person. (It does not state in the story, I might point out, that the protagonist is male.)
I do believe it is a midwesterner, however. Out here (in California) we call them "land yachts", though my friends and I refer to them as "land leviathans".
Well, I just wanted to analyze, but I've earned another random guess:
The Tick. <----Completely Random. Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
quote: How about you, dkw? Is this piece yours?
I already guessed that. Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Yeah, I was in a really generous mood and didn't point out that I'd already answered it.
No to everyone.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
dkw, when you said no to this:
quote:Did anyone guess CalvinMaker??
did you mean no one had guessed him or that he is not the author?
The rationale for this guess is not based on the piece, but on the fact that he seems very insightful about the piece and his last critiques were not accompanied by a guess (I hope that counts so I can avoid the growl): advice for robots
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
I liked this passage a lot, it has real charm. I was going to say I liked the dialogue, after reading it 3-4 times, when I realized it only has paraphrased dialogue, with no direct quotes. Is there a term for this? Anyway, I was surprised, because the reader gets a real feel for the way the characters interact. I could never pull that off without quoted dialogue.
Whoever pointed out that "so I... " phrase was right, it's used twice in the short 3rd paragraph and another time as well. A bit repetitive.
"...but [she] didn't use the knuckles." This phrase is cool, it picks up on a casual level of violence in the couple, very revealing of character. Reminds me of those guys on "Cops" who say "Well, I hit him, but just with an open hand, Officer."
I also liked this: "I knew I wasn't much of a mechanic, just a funnel and a rag in the trunk, and a jack and lugwrench I hoped I'd never have to use." The character doesn't say what he can or can't do on a car, just gives a short list which includes no serious tools. Sweet.
This has to a male, probably over 20. If it's a woman, she's a very talented writer to write with such a male tone.
My guess:Pat.
[ September 05, 2003, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: Morbo ]
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Oops, must have missed that one.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Ding ding ding ding!
Five points for saxon.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
ARRggg! I took afr off my list because he guessed on the thread. Scurvy dog.
two obvious attempts to draw out the author.--afr This seemed a little too cute.
Good job, sax.
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
Great Sax!
And great writing, advice for robots!
[ September 05, 2003, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: Erik Slaine ]
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
Sah-weet! I'm on fire here!
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
Am I in the lead now? My guess/critique should give me like two points or something.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Yes. You are in the lead.
Round Nineteen Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
This thread has been very good for my self-esteem. Thanks for all the comments, and I'm glad the passage was well-received. It was a compliment to me that so many of the good writers here were guessed, although I was a little irked when it seemed like the guesses were running dry and still nobody thought of me.
It's part of a story about a guy who drags his wife along on a road trip from Phoenix to Duluth, MN in an attempt to rediscover his identity. I had a different part of it submitted when Slash was doing the game, but it never got used. I was so happy to see my passage when I opened this thread! I even showed it to my wife.
Anyone who disagreed with or challenged my analyses: thanks for the input. You gave me lots of insight into the characters that I didn't have when I wrote the story. The guy is basically me in an alternate universe. I wrote it for a creative writing class in early '99, shortly before I got engaged. I was 26 at the time and had been living in Utah for about 5 years. I think most of you nailed me pretty well with my demographics.
The trip across Nebraska is based on a real trip I took, in which I drove an old car with screwed up steering through the freezing rain at 45 mph for 7 hours across that state.
Thanks again, and especially thanks to dkw! That was lots of fun.
Posted by Deirdre (Member # 4200) on :
*blink blink*
Wha..?
Ugh. Semi-autobiographical stuff really ought to come with disclaimers.
Ordinarily, afr, I'd apologize for suggesting that you are misogynistic, self-pitying, and resentful. But at the moment I think you kind of deserve it, just for being so darned sneaky. You completely threw me off with your first critique.
That’s all for now. I need to reserve the rest of my brain power to keep from wandering into traffic.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Hey, now, I'm only self-pitying in an alternate universe. And this isn't semi-autobiographical, because when I wrote it I wasn't even engaged to be married yet. But it is my voice, which is the easiest for me to speak in.
I started writing the story when I got homesick for my hometown, Duluth. I hadn't been there for so long that it seemed like a dream to me. Lindy kind of materialized in the car seat as the narrator started driving from Phoenix to Duluth. She didn't want to go because she thought going that far north would give her vertigo. She is completely fictional, and the narrator is a lot looser and "trailer park" than I'll ever be (knock on wood). But he's not mysogynistic--you'd see that if you read the whole story.
Sorry for misleading you. I thought I'd give myself away by posting any analysis. Guess I was wrong.
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