Hatrack River Forum: Martian Logic

This is topic Martian Logic in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.

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Posted by Head Ditch Digger (Member # 5085) on :

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are OUR rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :

Everything appears to be number one.

1. Men can't tell the difference between numbers. This is why he will forget any important date.

Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :

I know you're expecting me to be a wet blanket, but as much as it pains me to say it, you are now my hero, HDD.

Posted by Possum (Member # 2549) on :

Anyone one of these is good enough to put a man in the dog house for 72 hours.

Posted by Possum (Member # 2549) on :

...but they are humorous

Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :

quote:
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

True. You need a jackassdectomy. For that, you don't need a doctor, you need a lawyer. [Wink]

Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :

quote:
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

I propose a deal: You learn to aim, we learn how to work the toilet seat, fair enough?

Posted by martha (Member # 141) on :

Whew. And people ask me why I don't date girls. These are why. I think this list is hilarious, and I have yet to find a girl I can figure out enough to have a serious relationship with.

Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :

quote:
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

quote:
1. Crying is blackmail.

Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :

Damn, you've never asked me out. [Frown]

Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :

quote:
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

and

quote:
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

The amount of arguments I could have avoided if i knew these before...

Posted by Head Ditch Digger (Member # 5085) on :

:Bump:

Can't let pat's love thread beat me.

Posted by littlemissattitude (Member # 4514) on :

quote:
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

As long as you remember that this applies to women as well. Nothing ticks me off more than a round guy who thinks it's okay to make fun of and insult round women.

Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :

Great set of rules... I--oops! Excuse me!

Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :

There, that's better.

Let me just add: [ROFL]

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :

quote:
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

This I COMPLETELY agree with! If you haven't said something, I'm not responsible for it!!!

If I haven't said something, YOU are not responsible for it.

quote:
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

Double amen. I HATE the "Why am I a jerk today" game.

[ September 16, 2003, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]

Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :

Thank you, HDD. All those points so right. All so true.

Posted by MaureenJanay (Member # 2935) on :

quote:
Crying is blackmail.

Sometimes this is true. Sometimes women have these little things called "emotions". Not all women are the same, and not all women are able to "suck it up". If you expect us to, then expect to have a bitter hag.

Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :

I posted this only to be clued-in by HDD's bro, that it was already here.

Very, very funny stuff [Smile]

Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :

This is classic! [ROFL]

What ever happened to the "guy rules" thread? [Dont Know]

Hobbes

Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :

quote:
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Posted by Jexxster (Member # 5293) on :

I just never understood why my mom always told my brother and I to sit down to pee. It would seem that, sitting there on the floor of the bathroom, my aim would be even worse?

Seriously, I just don't see the advantage sitting to pee would bring.

Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :

^^ [Big Grin]

Also, great list HDD. [Smile]