Come one, come all! Let the chips fall. When life has so blundering an attempt been made sound observation can only sound benefit bring.
Okay, so that was crappy. And very flawed metrically speaking.
Where have I gone wrong in my life? Any guesses?
The sermon today was on broken relationships and divorces. There really are times when I detest church. And just how in G-d's name am I supposed to know how to create a whole union when what I saw from my parents were failed, broken, serial relationships? I have really tried to pay attention to those few lomg-term, committed, reasonably happy marriages around me, but I'm clueless. I don't know how they do it.
And, I figure G-d has said in more ways than one to me, "I gave you plenty of chances, girl - that's it - no more."
Now isn't that silly? Or should I really take the hint and plan on entering a convent in about 10 years?
You probably don't want to know. Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
Shan, I don't know squat about marriages yet, so instead of trying to sound profound and deep on subject I don't know about, I'd much rather just give you a hug and let you know that I at least read it and hope for a future where you can be happy.
(((((Shan)))))
Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
I'm still working on figuring out how to have a successful long-term relationship. Part of my fear of marriage was that I wouldn't be able to make it work, since my own parents have such a non-functional relationship. I finally decided that a large part of their inability to make their marriage work was due to their own individual problems. While I know that I have my own problems, they are not on the scale that theirs are. Anyway, before I got married (and since) I asked those people whose relationships I envied for their advice. Some of the best advice I got was from my boss: "Give 100% and only expect 10% back", meaning that I should give my all, but not build in automatic expectations (I've done this, he should now do this). When both partners can put their partner in the position of utmost importance, the relationship has a better chance. In my life, God is most important, followed very closely by my husband. I try to put his needs, his comfort, and his happiness above my own. His happiness and success is my happiness and success. Although I am a fairly independent person, I find that I am happiest when I am doing everything that I can to make my husband's life better. Other wise advice I was given is that having a good marriage requires work. It requires sacrifice by both partners and a dedication by both partners to make the marriage a successful one. One thing I am gradually learning how to do is to let stupid, unimportant things go. Things that are not important are not worth worrying about. I work hard to keep minor annoyances from interfering with my mood. More serious things that bother me, I talk to him about. I ask him for feedback and give him feedback. So far, this first year and a half of marriage has been easy. Since we've known each other we've had very few disagreements and I don't think we've ever fought. Maybe after I've had a successful 20 year marriage I'll be in a better position to give out marital advice.
[ October 05, 2003, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: ludosti ]
Posted by sarahdipity (Member # 3254) on :
Hmm that was the talk at our church too. That and gay marriages.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
What'd your church have to say about gay marriages?
Posted by Dreamwalker (Member # 4189) on :
quote:And just how in G-d's name am I supposed to know how to create a whole union when what I saw from my parents were failed, broken, serial relationships?
You are not supposed to do it own your own Shan You AND your partner make a relationship. It would be a bit arrogant to take that reponsibility solely on yourself. I've only been married twenty years so I'm still learning but my 2c.. trust in God, stop trying to figure it out on your own and ask Him for help... and accept that help.
Posted by Emperor Palpatine (Member # 3544) on :
You deleted the hug thread, that's what!
Oh wait, no, that wasn't you.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
Nice try, though!
I'll take the blame for many things, EP, but that isn't one of them!
thanks, all, for the thoughtful responses and the hugs . . .
I was having a bad "past-moment-in-life" memory type experience and I now feel much better!
Obviously, since I gave 70% (on a average all the time)and was married by my pastor (religious/G-d sanctioned), it is ALL my ex-husband's fault and I have NOT a thing to worry about . . . JUST JOKING!!!!
I just seem to be one of those people that fare better living alone - too picky, judgemental, one-way about things, I suppose . . .
but hey! G-d made me just the way I am, right?!!!!!??????
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
(((Shan)))
I'm sorry that I didn't post here sooner, or that I haven't answered your e-mail yet. It's like there's one side of my emotional life that I'm just putting on hold right now until I have time to deal with it. But I wanted tp make sure you know I still think the world of you, and I'm sorry people who haven't walked in your shoes can be so insensitive.
(((((Shan)))))
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Shan,
I don't know. *thinks* I mean, I'm not married, so take the following for what it is worth, but I was thinking the other day about the difference between the boyfriends I have had (okay, really, just one that I'm now considering real. One that lasted longer than two months. Blame freakish Mormon dating rituals for that one, but the vast majority of the time, after a few months, you're either engaged or you're broken up) and my relationship with my best friend, a man I have known for almost ten years and whom I adore and with whom I have a fabulous relationship. (No, not romantic. Never has been or will be. No, he's not gay. No, he's not going to marry someone else. Yes, I dated other people the whole time we were friends. Long story.)
The relationship I hear described as a happy marriage is much more like my friendship with my best friend - mostly, the giving 100% and not expecting everything back.
I don't know if this is the application meant, but that's the only way I've stayed friends with my best friend for so long. I understand him, and he understands me, and we don't demand anything from each other. What makes it work out so well was that what we needed from each other was what the other was so easily willing to give that it didn't seem like work at all. It's like we'll just take what the other was willing to give, and decided that the things that were missing were worth less than the friend. That the friend was more important than the things that were missing.
I know my friend would do and does everything in his power for me that I need, and he knows the same thing about me. So... when things were missing, it didn't feel like a withholding. This only worked because we knew each other so well.
I mean, there were times I was furious and angry and lonely and furious (again), but he was worth it to me. Since I knew he had a good heart and would never hurt a fly (I've never met someone so free from guile), I knew it wasn't on purpose. So there's that trust part.
I can't help but think that that has all the elements of what makes a good marriage. So, I'm taking that with me and trying to figure out how it works. Now, all I need is to find someone who fits me like the other shoe, or else someone who naturally fits enough of the important things that the others aren't as important as he is.
(I don't live around my best friend anymore. I'm not as close now, and that makes me sad, but it just means that what's missing has become too important to ignore. In other words, I decided I do want to get married someday, and I'd never do it living in the same state as my best friend.)
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