Norbert just moved in a big city. He goes in a shop and sees a thermos on sale. He asked the sell person what it is. She says: it keeps hot drinks hot and cool food cool. So Norbert buys one. Back in his little village, he shows the thermos to his friends. He explains what it is for. And what do you keep in it, they ask. My tea and an ice cream.(ah ah ah)
ok your turn now.
Posted by hansenj (Member # 4034) on :
Why do ducks have flat feet? . . . . . . . From stamping out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? . . . . . . . From stamping out flaming ducks! . . . . You did say lame! Posted by Rappin' Ronnie Reagan (Member # 5626) on :
i don't get your joke, tancath.
Posted by Trogdor the Burninator (Member # 4894) on :
What's better that winning a gold medal at the special olympics?
Oh wait, nevermind....
Posted by Head Ditch Digger (Member # 5085) on :
Dang Pat, I was going to do that one.
Posted by Trogdor the Burninator (Member # 4894) on :
Hey Scotty....
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote: What's better that winning a gold medal at the special olympics?
Well, Pat, at least I don't feel guilty now for not thanking you for your very nice closing note on that other thread... Posted by Trogdor the Burninator (Member # 4894) on :
Oh COME ON!!!!!!
This time is was a reference to that whole debate, not the joke in particular!!!!!
THROW ME A FRICKING BONE HERE!!!
Posted by Trogdor the Burninator (Member # 4894) on :
and snd....
you don't know how many siegfried and roy tiger jokes I wanted to make, but didn't, because of you.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote:THROW ME A FRICKING BONE HERE!!!
Sheesh. I threw a smiley on my message. I really didn't mean to get things all heated up again.
So...
Where would you like your bone thrown?
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
A man runs into his psychiatrist's office, shouting "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!". The doctor says "You need to relax, you're too tents!"
A man taking a drive in the country passes a farmer out fixing his fence. Sitting next to the farmer is a pig with a wooden leg. Intrigued, the man pulls over and asks him what the story is with the three legged pig. The farmer says "well, young feller, I'll tell you--this here is the best, most loyal pig in the world. We raised Lulabell here by hand. She sleeps with us, and we feed her the same food the family eats. As you can see, she follows me all over the farm, and never tries to run away. Not too long ago our house caught fire, and Lulabell here woke us all up and got us out of the house. I went back into the house after the cat, but the smoke knocked me out. Lulabell ran after me and dragged me *and* the cat to safety."
"Wow," said the man. "I take it she lost her leg in the fire?"
"Naw," said the farmer, "it was after that."
The man looked at the farmer quizzically.
"Well, a pig that good, you don't eat 'em all at once!"
Posted by Trogdor the Burninator (Member # 4894) on :
And I was joking too. All is forgiven.
And about the bone, how bout you throw it to that white tiger. He seems to be hungry.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote:you don't know how many siegfried and roy tiger jokes I wanted to make, but didn't, because of you.
I ought to share some "disability humor" sometime. Thinking...
Actually, I wasn't one of the ones objecting to death jokes.
So, I'm wondering if the job news is bad in the next quarterly government report, will they blame it on the white tiger? Huge impact in Vegas, after all.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. "I'm sorry," the bartender says, "but we don't serve string". The string goes outside, ties himself into a knot, and musses up one end of himself. He goes back into the bar. The bartender, seeing him, says "hey, aren't you that string that just tried to order a drink a minute ago?" "No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot".
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
How many Microsoft execs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
How many IBM execs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they simply upgrade the standered condition to darkness.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change and one not to change it.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to change it and two to fill the bathtub full of strawberry jello.
Hobbes Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
How many psychatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change.
Hobbes Posted by Audeo (Member # 5130) on :
How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey, let's go ride bikes.
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
A policeman sees a truck driving pass with 10 pinguoins at the back. He stops it and ask the driver what's with the pinguins. The driver says: I don't know, officer. I found them in my backyard. What do you suggest I do with them? The Policeman says: try the zoo. The next day, the same policeman sees the same truck pass by, still loaded with pinguins. He stops the truck and says to the driver: I told you to take them to the zoo! Yes replies the driver. They loved it. Today, I take them to the movies. Posted by SirReal (Member # 5257) on :
A termite walks into a bar, jumps up on the stool and says "Bar Tender"?
(read phonetically)
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
How do you train a cat?
Tie it to the tracks. (Thanks Pappa Moose)
What did the fish say when it ran head first into a stone wall.
Dam
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
Posted by wieczorek (Member # 5565) on :
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it, "Do not eat is seal is broken." So I opened the box and sure enough...
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "You got any grapes?". The bartender says no and the duck walks out of the bar.
A few minutes later, the duck walks back into the bar and asks "You got any grapes?". The bartender says no and the duck walks out of the bar.
A few minutes later, the duck walks back into the bar and asks "You got any grapes?". This time the bartender is really irritated and says no and if you ask that question one more time I'm going to nail your feet to the floor. The duck scouls and walks out of the bar.
A few minutes later, the duck walks back into the bar and asks "You got any nails?". "No", says the bartender. "Great", replies the duck, "You got any grapes?".
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
A ham sandwhich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry chum. We don't serve food here."
Posted by wieczorek (Member # 5565) on :
The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room right now." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
-----
My father isn't Bill Gates, As church treasurer, he had two computer files labeled, "St. Mary's Income" and "St. Mary's Expenditure". While copying them froma Macintosh to an Apple, he had no idea the Apple would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces and replace the apostrophes with periods. Now the church's income is stored in "StMary.sin" and expenses in "StMary.sex".
Posted by msakaseg (Member # 3826) on :
Why do elephants have flat feet? From jumping out of trees.
Why is it dangerous do go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon? That's when the elephants are jumping out of trees.
Why are pygmies so small? They went into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
What are the little brown things between an elphants toes?
Slow pygmys
Where does a 2,000 pound gorrilla sleep?
Anywhere it wants to?
What's the difference between a pound of butter and a pound of elephant dung?
If you don't know, remind me not send you to the store to buy me any butter.
Posted by ikantspel (Member # 5752) on :
[ October 06, 2003, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: ikantspel ]
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
So there were these two guys walking down the yellow brick road on the land of Oz. The first guy notices a loose brick in the road and turns to his friend.
"Hey," he says. "I'll bet you twenty bucks that I can throw this yellow brick into the air and it won't come back down."
His friend laughs until he finds out the first guy means it, and then naturally agrees to the bet. The first guy throws the brick into the air, and . . . it comes down.
"Okay, you owe me twenty bucks," says the second guy.
"No, no, no. Give me another chance. I'll bet you fifty bucks that this time, when I throw the brick into the air, it won't come down."
The second guy smiled to himself and agreed.
Just as before, the first guy threw the brick into the air with all the strength he could muster and . . . it came back down.
"Pay up," said the second guy. "You now owe me fifty dollars."
"All right, all right," said the first guy. "Give me one more chance, and I promise that if it comes back down, I'll pay you one hundred dollars. No more games."
"You're on, but this is your last chance," says the second guy.
So the first guy runs fifty feet down the road, crouches down, and chucks the brick into the air with an amazing grunt. And . . .
. . .it doesn't come back down.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Why was Ted Turner confused after marrying Jane Fonda? He didn't know whether to be a yippie, a yuppie or a yahoo.
Posted by HollowEarth (Member # 2586) on :
Q: How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hey, let's go ride bikes.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
One muffin leans over to another muffin and says, "Gee, it's hot in here."
The other one screams, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
**************
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. One suddendly trips and takes a nose dive onto the pavement.
His friend rushes to help him up. "Are you OK?"
"No," the other sobs, "I lost an electron."
"Oh no! Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I'm positive."
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
How does a true American Patriot change a light bulb?
He stands on a chair, hold the light bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him?
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
[ October 06, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Annie ]
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Haha
How many frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One to wash his hands of the problem and call the americans.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
<<is blond
How many dumb blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
HAHAHA Three! Because they are ...no,. . . 2 haha, blondes are always Wait, now I remember! It's 5! Oh, man, that's funny. What was the question? Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
*shrill voice*THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! He oppressed me, did anybody else see that?
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Alternate version:
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 15 to form a support group.
Hobbes Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs is the same.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Thanks, Hobbes. One more bulb joke for my arsenal.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
Why did the blonde dye her hair brown?
Whe had a hard midterm coming up?
Posted by ikantspel (Member # 5752) on :
A pregnant blonde, brunette, and redhead are talking when the brunette...Oh, I forgot, I can't tell that one.
Posted by msakaseg (Member # 3826) on :
quote:What's the difference between a duck?
Wow, I know a completely different answer: One quacks.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
msakaseg, the joke goes on?
Which one?
It all depends on whether you ride the bus to school or take a sack lunch?
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead in front of a firing squad. The redhead says "girls, follow my lead, and we'll get out of here alive." So the redhead gets up, and just before she get shot at, she screams "tornado!" They all glance back, and she runs away. Then the brunette gets up, and she says "hurricane!" They turn around, and she escapes. Next the blonde gets up, and just before they pull the trigger, she yells at the top of her lungs "Fire!"
---
A little girl walks over to her mother and asks, 'Mommy, why did you name me Rose?' The mother replies, 'Well, when you were born a petal of a rose fell on your forehead, and thus we named you Rose'
The girls sister comes up to her mother and asks, 'Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?'
The mother cooed, 'When you were just a little dumpling, a daisy fell across your forehead, and thus we named you Daisy'
The third sister scoots onto the mothers lap and asks, 'Mommy, why did you name me Violet?'
The mother answers, 'On the day you were born, the petal of a Violet fell on your forehead, and thus we named you Violet'
The last sibling waddles up to the mother and says, 'Flugghharshawerhtppbbthh?!?'
'Shut up Fridge,' replies the mother.
---
What's the difference between a human and a sack of flour?
Drop 'em both off a tall building and the human will bounce.
---
Why are there no Wal-Marts in Afghanistan?
Because there's a Target on every corner.
---
There are three blondes in a bar shouting "51! 51! Alright!" and cheering. The bartender walks up sand says "51 what? What's all this about?" and one of the blondes says happily "We did a puzzle in 51 days! The box said 2-3 years, but we did it in 51 days!"
---
Two lawyers are in the woods and a bear comes out of the bushes. One of the lawyers promptly begins putting on his sneekers, and the other says "You can't outrun that bear!" The lawyer with the sneakers than replies "I don't have to outrun the bear; I have to outrun you!"
---
What do you call a blond with two brain cells?
Answer: Pregnant.
---
This was from real life. My mom works at a nursing home....
This old lady with alzheimers (sp?) had to remember to pee in a cup next time she had to go, so she wrote a note to herself. She asked my mom "is that 'pee' spelled 'p-e-a' or 'p-e-e'?" My mom said "p-e-e; p-e-a's are little, round, green vegetables" So the old lady says "okay, but if you hear me screaming, I wrote it down wrong."
---
What did the cat say to the dog?
"Meow"
---
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits.
"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
"Eventually," said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!"
---
panda bear walked into a restaurant and sat down at a table. A waiter came over to him and took his order. The panda bear waited and after a while the waiter brought him his food. The panda bear quickly wolfed it down, then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter dead.
"What the heck was that for?" shouted the restaurant owner, storming in from another room. "You're scaring away all the customers!"
"I'm a panda bear. Look it up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go now." the panda bear said. Then he pushed everyone aside and walked out the door.
"Look it up... look it up... OK, I will", said the owner. He got out an encyclopedia and turned to P, pangolin, ah, there it is, panda bear!
"Panda bear. Large mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."
-------------------------
And that's all you get for now.
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
Here's another one, for those of you who didn't like my last one.
There's this woman on an airplane, and she has a pet duck sitting in her lap. The problem is, a man a few seats ahead of her is smoking a cigar, and the smoke is making the duck quack like crazy. Everyone on the plane is getting irritable, and some are making rude comments about the lady and her duck.
"Why don't you just get rid of that stupid duck?" asks the man with the cigar.
"It's your cigar that's the problem," replies the woman. "If you'd put it out, my sweet ducky would be as quiet as a mouse."
"I have every right to smoke this cigar," says the man. "And it would be a waste to get rid of it when half of it is still to smoke. Besides, ducks can fly. Why don't you just throw it out the window?"
"Throw your stinking cigar out the window!" returns the woman, angry.
They argue for a while until it is decided that they will compromise and throw both out the window, which they do.
A few minutes later, there is a tap at the woman's window. She looks out the window, and what does she see?
Why it's her beloved pet duck. And what's in its mouth? . . . . . . . . . No, not the cigar. . . . . . . . . . . . .
It's the yellow brick.
[ October 06, 2003, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: Brinestone ]
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
Once upon a time, there was a king who decided to hold a contest to find out who was the greatest sword fighter in all the land. The challenge was simple: a fly would be released in an empty arena, and the swordsman had to kill the fly. The first swordsman steps out into the arena, and the fly is released. He swings his sword and cuts it perfectly in half. The crowd applauds loudly.
The second swordsman steps out into the arena, and another fly is released. He swings his sword twice and cuts the fly in fourths. The crowd gives him a standing ovation.
The third swordsman steps out into the arena, and the third fly is released. His swings his sword once, and the fly keeps flying. A murmur of confusion ripples through the crowd. Someone yells out, "You didn't kill it!"
"True," the swordsman says. "But it'll never be a father."
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
Once there was this guy who died and went to hell. The devil greeted him at the gates to tell him what was going on.
"There must be some mistake," the man said. "Sure, I wasn't perfect, but I don't belong here."
"Don't worry," said the devil. "You might actually like it here."
"I don't see how I could possibly like it in hell," the man said.
"Well, okay then, do you like to drink?" the devil asked.
"Sure," the man said.
"Great! That's all we do on Mondays. We drink all day long."
"Well, that doesn't sound too bad," the man replied.
"Do you like to smoke?" the devil asked.
"Yeah."
"Good. That's all we do on Tuesdays."
"Alright. I guess I could live with that," the man said.
"What about gambling? Do you like to gamble?" the devil asked.
"Yeah, I like to gamble."
"Oh, then you'll like Wednesdays. We gamble all day long."
The man was really starting to loosen up by this point. "Alright. This is starting to sound pretty good."
The devil paused for a second and then asked, "Are you gay?"
"No," the man answered.
"Oh," the devil said. "You're not going to like Thursdays."
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Good stuff here! I needed some laughs after my leasing nightmare.
Da Goat, you reminded me of this old Indian joke.
A young buck asks the medicine man, "where do you come up with all of the tribes names?" The old man thinks for a moment then says, "Names celebrate the Great Spirit that walks among us always and the World-spirit reflects the soul of new tribe members. When your brother was born, I saw a hawk hunting rabbits before a storm, so I called him Stormhawk. Before your sister was born, I saw clouds slowly covering the moon, so beautiful I wept, so she was named Clouds Glow in Moonlight. And your cousin was born during the reddest sunset I'd seen in years, he is called Red Sun Weeping.
But why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?
Posted by Nick (Member # 4311) on :
at Morbo's joke.
Posted by Dead_Horse (Member # 3027) on :
The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new West Virginia quarters. "We are recalling all of the new West Virginia quarters that were recently issued," the Treasury Undersecretary said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." "We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said the Undersecretary. The winning design for the West Virginia quarter was submitted by a WVU Mountaineer. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices
Posted by Dead_Horse (Member # 3027) on :
The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possible squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray..
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
An engineer dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter takes a look at the book of life and says "I'm sorry there must be some mistake. You don't belong in Heaven." Disappointed, the engineer goes to hell. While there he implements a cost-effective air-conditioning system and other changes that make hell a pretty swell place to be.
So God calls Lucifer up one day.
"How're things doing in hell?" He asks.
"Well," said Lucifer, "Ever since we got that engineer, thing's have been really great. I bet it's even nicer than heaven."
"Oh, no, there must be some mistake," said God. "That engineer belongs in Heaven."
"I don't really feel like giving him up," said Lucifer.
"Well have it your way. I'll just sue."
Lucifer gives a small chuckle. "And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
--------------------------------------
A group of immoral people die in a car crash and are greeted by one of Satan's minions.
"Welcome to hell," he sneered. "Let me take you on the grand tour."
They pass the first room, which is stocked with an endless supply of racks, Iron Maidens, and other implements of torture.
"This is where we keep liars," the minion said with a smile.
They pass the second room containing cages hanging from the celing over huge white-hot flames.
"This is where we keep the adulturers," said the minion, positively giggling.
Then they pass a high brick wall, spanning for what seemed like miles.
"Oh," said the minion, his face somber. "You don't even want to know what's behind there. It's horrible. That's where we keep the Mormons."
While the tour group pondered over what horrendous torture lay behind that wall, one noticed that there was a loose brick, and upon prying it loose, saw a beautiful lush grassland on the other side of the wall, with people froliking and laughing joyously.
When he pointed this out to the minion, he scowled. "Those darned Mormons have been irrigating again!"
[ October 06, 2003, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
Posted by rayne (Member # 5722) on :
Three guys are in a bar, all pretty wasted. The third guy gets up and opens the window, and jumps out- but he doesn't fall, he does some flips in the air and jumps back into the room.
The first guy looks at his glass, and back at the third guy, and back at his glass. "Man, I don't even want to tell you what I thought I just saw."
The third guy goes, "What, this?" and he does it again.
1st guy: "Dude, that's impossible."
3rd guy: "No, there's a current of air that hits right here at this bar window and mixes with the air coming out of the bar to keep you in the air. Anyone can do it."
1st guy: "Are you serious?"
3rd guy: "Yeah, try it."
The first guy walks over to the window, hesitates, then jumps out. He falls to the ground and breaks his legs.
2nd guy: "You're so mean when you're drunk, Superman."
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
Warning: The following joke(s) may be considered offensive to some. By reading, you agree not to sue.
---
A girl is sleeping in Sunday school. The teacher notices this, and asks her "Suzy, to whom does worship belong?"
Before the teacher finishes her sentence, though, a boy pokes Suzy with his pencil from behind. "God Almighty!" screams Suzy in pain and surprise.
"Very good," replies the teacher and she proceeds with her lesson. Not more than ten minutes later, however, she notices that Suzy is asleep again and so she tries her earlier strategy once more. "Suzy, who is our savior?"
The boy pokes Suzy.
"Jesus Christ!" she exclaims.
"Very good," says the teacher, and she goes on with her lesson. But, to her dismay, Suzy falls asleep again.
"Suzy," she says, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?"
The boy pokes her with the pencil once more.
Suzy turns around to the kid and says "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear to God I'll break it in two!"
[ October 07, 2003, 01:04 AM: Message edited by: Da_Goat ]
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
A man buys a goldfish, but hes doesn't know how to look after it. So he calls a friends to show him. After the friend showed him how to feed the fish, the man asks: and what does it drink?
Posted by StigLarson (Member # 5579) on :
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare-line.
[ October 07, 2003, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: StigLarson ]
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
2 men walk on teh beach. Suddenly, one exclaims: look a dead sea gull! The second man looks up and says: where? Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person . . . because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large . . . all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Posted by rayne (Member # 5722) on :
I love this thread
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
Q. What do you call someone who makes lots of puns?
A. Annoying.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Just as a bun is the lowest form of wheat, so the pun is the lowest form of wit.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Do you realize that in Minnesotta in the 1890's, you could not hang a man with a wooden leg.
You had to use a rope.
.
.
Child One, "What has one horn and gives milk?" Child Two, "I don't know." Child One, "A milk truck." pause Child Two, "What's a milk truck?" Child One, "I hoped you'd know. My grandpa keeps telling this stupid joke and expects me to laugh."
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
I thought the lowest form of wheat was the guy who played Wesley.
Wait, that was Weaton or some such.
Never mind.
Posted by ikantspel (Member # 5752) on :
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean.
Bob
Posted by ikantspel (Member # 5752) on :
Sorry if this is offensive, it's too funny not to post, plus it's not that bad
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?
Sparky
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
Three people die and go to heaven. They walk up to the entrance, but St. Peter stops them.
"I'm sorry, guys. We're a little crowded up here, and can only fit about one more. So I'll let whoever can give me the most interesting story entrance."
So one of the guys says "Okay, mine was pretty weird. I had just got mugged and was stripped from head to toe. I was climbing these balconies trying to get to my apartment window, as I had lost the key to the door. Then half-way up on somebody's balcony, this crazy loon pushes me off. I'm hurt, but I can still move. But then this guy throws a refrigerator at me, and here I am."
Another the guy says "I can top that. I got home from work," he began, "and I saw this guy dancing naked on my balcony. I assumed my wife had been having an affair, and I had had a hard day, so I shoved him off. He wasn't quite dead yet, though, so I threw my refrigerator at him. Unfortunately, the cord wrapped around my ankle and I came down with the refrigerator, and her I am."
So the third guy says "I think I could top that. I was having an affair with this guys wife. He was coming home, though, so I hid in the refrigerator and..."
---
A man finds a genie, and the genie grants him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for every lawyer get double. So the man wishes for 5 million dollars. The genie says "Every lawyer gets 10 million dollars". So the man says "I wish for a a sports car" so every lawer get 2 sports cars. So the man gets sick of this and says "I'd like to give a kidney".
---
This guy signs up for a class called "relativity", but doesn't know what it is. So he goes to his teacher and asks him what it is. The teacher says: teacher:"Well, do you have a lawnmower?" man:"Yes" teacher:"If you have a lawnmower, I take it you have a lawn" man:"Yes" teacher:"If you have a lawn, you must have a large house" man:"Yes" teacher:"And if you have a large house, you must have a wife" man:"Yes" teacher" "That's relativity" man:"Ok, I got it"
So the man walks out to the hall, and another man goes up to him and asks what relativity is. So the man who just asked the teacher says: man 1: "Do you have a lawnmower?" man 2: "No" man 1: "I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll find your special someone someday."
---
What do you call an Amish with his hand up a donkey's butt?
A mechanic.
---
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
Da_Goat, I heard a little different version of one of those jokes. I don't think it's insulting, but don't anyone get offended.
This guy signs of for a logic class but doesn't know what it is. He asks his teacher about it, the teacher says: T: do you have a weedwhacker? guy: yes T: assuming you have a weedwhacker, it's logical to assume you have a lawn, right? G: yeah, I do. T: assuming you have a lawn, I'd assume you have a house, right? G: yeah, that's right. T: okay, and assuming you have a house, I'd assume you have a wife. G: you're right so far. T: and if you had a wife I'd use logic to assume that you're heterosexual, right? G: yeah. T: Well, that's logic.
Enlightened, the guy runs into a friend of his who happens to have signed up for the same logic class, and he doesn't know what's going to be taught in it.
Guy: I'll give you an example. Do you have a weedwhacker? Friend: Well, actually, I don't Guy: Dude, I didn't know you were gay!
I think mine's funnier. Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
I'd like everyone to know that Jon Boy is a joke stealer. I made up the stupid pun joke last night.
Jon Boy, if you were within poking range . . .
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
wow, i'm suddenly glad that i didn't tell him how funny i thought that one was.
that's the funniest joke i've seen on this thread and i fully intend to steal it.
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
Sarcasticmuppet, that's the one i heard too. I just wasn't sure it was appropriate. Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
What is small, green, and goes up and down? . . . . a green pea in a lift! ...well, I DID say lame jokes too... Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
What's green and commutes? An Abelian grape.
(lame obscure group theory joke.)
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
The owner of a forest wants to hire a lumberjack. He puts an ad in a local paper and waits. A big guy comes and "chop chop chop" brings down a tree. A medium built guy comes and "chop chop chop chop" brings down a tree. A third guy comes along. He is very small and skinny. The boss thinks: there is no way this one can bring down a single tree. But then, "chop!", in one swift movement of the wrist, the little guy brings down a huge tree. "Brilliant!" says the boss. Where did you work before? - I come from Sahara -? But there are no trees in Sahara - Ecxuse me, there are no trees ANYMORE.
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
A woman is on the motorway, pushing a flashy sport car. A man stops by and ask if she needs help. -No, says the woman, I just bought it, and the sellsman told me not to go over 50 mp/h, but that once a week, I could push it a bit on the motorway.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
A rookie cop was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on one corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Ok, folks, let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
Excerpt from a real court transcript:
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time: A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
care of Reader's Digest
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
celia, you have my permission to steal that joke.
Posted by msakaseg (Member # 3826) on :
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your front porch? Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole? Phil.
(I love my parents' welcome mat. It has "Hi. I'm Matt," written on it.)
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
One morning in London, a busdriver opens his bus doors. He sees a man with three heads, no arms, and one leg waiting to board. "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! You look 'armless enough. 'Op in."
Posted by MaureenJanay (Member # 2935) on :
This isn't really a joke, but an excerpt from life that amuses me greatly.
My mom at seven years old: Mom, where did I come from? My Grandma: You grew in a cabbage patch. My mom's sister, age four: Did I grow in a cabbage patch, too? Grandma: No, you're where the rooster doo'd on the fence and the sun hatched it out.
No punch line, I just like it. Ah, what a loving family I come from.
Posted by Papa Moose (Member # 1992) on :
Ok, Mike (sax) pushed me into this, whether he knows it or not.
What do you call two men with no arms and no legs in a window?
Curt 'n' Rod.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob.
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stu.
[ October 08, 2003, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: The Rabbit ]
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
True story;
My husbands name is Rich. We dated for 4 years before we married. My family mantains that this is evidence that get Rich quick schemes don't work.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
quote:What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stu.
You stole that from Weird Al.
Posted by Speed (Member # 5162) on :
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs waterskiing?
A: Skip
Posted by Polemarch (Member # 3293) on :
obscure music jokes:
What's haflway between a drummer and a musician?
A bassist.
What's the difference between a flutist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
Did you hear about the bassist who left his keys in his car?
Yeah, it took them 3 hours to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The keyboardist will do it with his left hand.
What's the sound of two guitars playing in unison?
A minor 2nd.
What's the opposite of dechlerando?
A drum solo.
[ November 16, 2003, 01:15 AM: Message edited by: Polemarch ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the sinning that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not,"
God thought for a moment and said, "maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When that angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased.
While he was debating what to do about the 95%, He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them -- give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said? . . . . . No?
Huh. I didn't get one either.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Chivalry is not dead, it just makes women think you're gay.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
I like my women like I take my coffee: cold and bitter.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Two women were walking through the forest when they heard a voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: "Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.
The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker!" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
I like my men like I like my coffee:
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Nonexistent. Posted by jehovoid (Member # 2014) on :
(from Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill)
I like my coffee hot and strong...
like I like my women, hot and strong...
.
.
.
...with a spoon in them.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Before sending her son off for his first day at school, Rachel Cohen hugged him and said: "Good luck, my bubbeleh (darling). Be good, bubbeleh, and work hard. "And remember, bubbeleh, at lunch time eat all of your food and play nicely with the other children. Oh, bubbeleh, I'm so proud!"
That afternoon, when little Cohen returned home, his mother cried, "Bubbeleh, my bubbeleh, give your mother a hug! So, tell me, what did you learn at school today?"
"Well," said the boy, "to start with, I learned that my name is Sammy."
[ October 09, 2003, 01:59 AM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Rivka, that was the best Jewish joke that I've seen in a while.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
quote:Life is complex, it has real and imaginary parts.
Gregory Benford, Eater Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
More music jokes, for Polemarch (I got all the other ones!)
How do you tell the stage is level? Drool is coming out of BOTH sides of the percussionists' mouths.
What's the difference between a coffin and a cello? The coffin has a dead person on the inside.
How do you know you have a herd of violists at your door? They don't know when to come in, and they can't find the key.
While out driving, you see a conductor and a trumpet player walking down the middle of the road. Who do you hit first? The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Posted by Speed (Member # 5162) on :
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the @$$hole in the back.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
I like my men like I like my coffee:
dark, sweet and rich. Posted by StigLarson (Member # 5579) on :
What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Abbot & Costello Learn Hebrew
ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
C: Sure, I understand.
A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
C: How stupid do you think I am - don't answer that. It's simple - some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
A: Precisely.
C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
C: You.
A: No, mee.
C: Fine, we'll start with you.
A: No, we'll start with mee.
C: Okay, have it your way.
A: Now, mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: You don't understand.
C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, you misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
C: Who?
A: Precisely.
C: Precisely what?
A: Precisely who.
C: It's precisely whom!
A: No, mee is who.
C: Don't start that again - go on to something else.
A: All right. Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Yes.
C: I don't know. Who is he?
A: Sure you do. You just said it.
C: I just said what?
A: Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Precisely.
C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
A: No, precisely he.
C: Precisely he? Who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: And what about me?
A: Who.
C: Me, me, me!
A: Who, who, who!
C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
A: No, hu is he!
C: I don't know, maybe he is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: (STARES AT ABBOTT) Do his parents know about this?
A: About what?
C: About her!
A: What about her?
C: That she is he!
A: No, you've got it wrong - hee is she!
C: Then who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: Who?
A: He!
C: Me?
A: Who!
C: He?
A: She!
C: Who is she?
A: No, hu is he.
C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
A: No, that's not right.
C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me.
A: Who.
C: Who?
A: Precisely!
C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: Wait a minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
A: Go ahead.
C: Now first, you say me is who.
A: Correct.
C: And then you say who is he.
A: Absolutely.
C: And then you tell me he is she.
A & C: Precisely!
C : Now look at this logically. If me is who, and who is he, and he is she, don't it stand to reason that me is she?
A: Who?
C: She!
A: That is he!
C: Who is he?
A & C: Precisely!
C: I have just about had it. You have me so confused I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
A: What.
C: I said Ma.
A: What.
Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
A: What!
C: Not what, who!
A: He!
C: Not he! Ma is not he!
A: Of course not! Hu is he!
C: I don't know. I don't care. Who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
A: Fish.
C: Fish?
A: Dag is fish.
C: That's all, I'm outa here.
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
What do you do with a musician that can't play music?
Give them two sticks and put them in the back of the stage. -------------------- What do you do when they still can't play their music?
Take one stick away and put them in front. -------------------- What do you call 1000 trombonists at the bottom of the Pacific ocean?
Not enough -------------------- What do you call 1000 conductors at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
A good start -------------------- What's the best use for an oboe?
To light the bassoon. -------------------- What's the difference between a chainsaw and a bassoon?
The chainsaw sounds better --------------------
*lovin' the band jokes*
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
How do you know when the stage is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
Found these on a website with a bunch of Irish jokes:
Have you heard about the Irish boomerang? I doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how mush it wants to.
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
and last but not least: An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine."
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!"
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!"
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
This is an oral joke. So go make someone come read it to you.
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
(in best Crocodile Hunter voice) You can't wash yer fice in a buffalo!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Actually, Annie, one of the voices in my head does an Ausie accent, so it was fine.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Crikey!
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
2 men hunt in the forest. One gets bitten by a snake and collapses. The second grabs his mobile and calls the emergency services: -Help, my friend just collapsed and I think he is dead! -Ok, don't worry. I'll take you trough the procedure. First, can you make sure he's dead, please. -"BANG"......ok, what next?
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Rivka--
RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS
~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
~ When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
~ Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
~ There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*wonders if Dan is laughing at the A&C or the voices in her head*
I liked the pilot ones, especially
quote: ~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Tancath, that reminds me of two old jokes.
Two cowboys, Tex and Steve, are riding the range when a rattler causes Tex's horse to throw him. Before he can recover, the snake moves in and *strikes!*--right in Tex's crotch!! Youch!
Steve quickly kills the snake. While he's doing that and tending to Tex, both horses bolt and gallop away.
Both cowboys are young and neither knows what to do. Tex says "Run and get the Doc, or I'm a goner for sure!!", so Steve makes Tex as comfortable as he can then sprints into town. It's after lunch, and Steve figures the sawbones will be at the ginmill getting drunk. Sure enough, he finds the doc at the bar alone slamming back whiskey. "Doc! Come quick! Tex's been bit by a rattler and I don't know what to do! You got to save him!" But the Doc is already totally wasted and refuses to leave the bar. "Here's what you do: *hic* Cut around the bite with your knife, make it bleed, then suck out all the poison and spit it out! Run, boy, Tex doesn't have much time!"
Steve runs as fast as he can back to Tex. When he gets back he's too winded too talk. "Where's the doc?!?! What'd he say?!" says Tex frantically. Steve looks at the bite then says:"*pants* Doc says *pants* you're a goner! Nice knowin' ya, Tex!"
A hunter comes across a beautiful nekkid woman in the woods, who immediatly begins making eyes at the grizzled hunter. "Are you game?" he asks her. "Of course!" she purrs. So he shot her.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Rivka, I forgot to say that I thought that A&C routine was hyterical. Is it original?
" Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds." This reminded me of the Air Force's findings about the crash of the Air Force 747 with Clinton Cabinet member Ron Brown aboard, I think in Bosnia abot 6 years ago Cause of crash: controlled flight into terrain. Not too funny, just a bizarre phrase.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Nah, it's not mine. I just cleaned up the typos, edited it a bit, and added the italics for clarity.
It came from an email list I'm on of Jewish jokes. I saved that one. Let's see, it credits a Rabbi Jack Moline, but I've seen similar routines credited to other people. It evolves. I seem to recall a song from when I was a kid that had some of those lines in it. Posted by Hazen (Member # 161) on :
Some dairy farmers want to make more money. They hire a sociologist, an engineer, and a physicist. The sociologist finishes first. He comes up with a report on the milk drinking patterns of people. He recomends what markets they should go into and so forth.
The engineer, finishes next. He has a report on how they can improve their machinery. They do it, and start getting tons more milk.
A while later, the physicist comes in. He comes up to them says "I'm finally done. The equations were more difficult than I thought, but I think I have made a real breakthrough." The farmers were really excited now- it really looked like they were going to get their money's worth.
The physicist pulls out an envelope (used) with some scribblings on the back of it. "Well," he starts off, "assuming a spherical cow..."
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
2 men are walking on either side of a river. The first one calls the other one: -hey, how did you get to the other side? -you ARE on the other side!
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
Why did the hen cross the road? . . . . . To get to the other side.
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
I have nothing against blondes, it's just easier to call them blonde jokes than not-so-smart people jokes. Please take no offense:
A blonde was eating a bowl of Cheerios and said, "Look Daddy! Donut seeds!"
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. They get almost there when they see a sign that says "Disneyland Left" so they turn around and go home.
How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the swimming pool.
Three blondes were driving down the road when they pass a YMCA. One turns to the others and says, "Look, someone spelled MACY'S wrong!"
A blonde when into the barber shop to get a hair cut, and she was wearing headphones. The barber cuts as much of her hair as he can, then asks her to take off the headphones. When she doesn't respond he takes them off for her. As he finishes up her haircut she turns red, then purple, then blue, and then she dies. He puts the headphones on out of curiosity and a voice is saying, "Breathe in... breathe out... breathe in... breathe out... "
I know I know more but I can't think of any right now.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I can't resist. I'm gonna tell my favorite blonde joke, even though it's visual.
Why do blondes wear huge shoulder pads?
(head all the way to the right) I (head all the way to the left) don't (head all the way to the right) know.
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
I don't get it. But maybe that's because I have a really bad crick in my neck and I can't turn my head all the way in either direction.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
Q: What did the Blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? . . . . . A: It's not mine!
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
It's time to start up the lamest of lame jokes: The Knock-Knock Variety!
Knock-Knock Who's There Boo Boo Who? Don't Cry!
Knock-Knock Who's There Ester Ester Who? Ester Bunny
Knock-Knock Who's There Nutter Nutter Who? Nutter Ester Bunny
Knock-Knock Who's There Evan Evan Who? Evan Nutter Ester Bunny
I think I'll stop now because these take up a ridiculously large amount of space.
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
Rabbit, your joke reminded me of the following:
A youg girl tells her dad that she is pregnant. He asks: -does the father work? -I'm not sure, dad. -how old is he? -I'm not sure, dad. -where does he live? -I'm not sure, dad. -Are you sure the baby is yours?
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
A woman calls a doctor and says:
-Doctor, I am in a terrible state: my husband left me, my mother won't speak to me, I've no friends and my gold fish just died. I want to kill myself. Only, I don't know how to shoot myself in the heart, because I don't know where the heart is. Can you help?
-It's easy: your heart is under your left breast.
......The following morning, the doctor learns that his customer shot herself in the knee. Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Husband: Doctor Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken.
Doctor: How long has this been going on?
Husband: well, about 3 years now.
Doctor: 3 Years? Why didn't you come to me sooner.
Husband: Well gee, I would have, but we really needed the eggs.
.
Patient: Doctor Doctor, the aliens tried to get me last night.
Doctor: Really? What happened?
Patient: I woke up standing in front of this large alien. It was humming strangely at me. I reached to shake its proffered arm when suddenly it opened up this giant mouth. Inside, all I could see was this bright light and feel its cold foul smelling breath.
Doctor: You've been talking to the refrigerator again, haven't you.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
A young man entered the company's Human Resources Department and handed the executive his application. After reviewing the papers the executive noticed that the applicant had been fired from every job he had ever had.
"Young man," the executive said, "I've looked over your work history and it is terrible. You have been fired from every job!"
"Yes," replied the applicant.
"There really isn't anything very positive in that," said the executive.
"Well, at least I'm not a quitter!" the young man replied.
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
What is red and flies around the earth? . . . a tomatoe in a sattelite.
(lame, lame, lame..) Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
An engineering student was walking home from school one day when a frog on the road spoke out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The engineering student picked up the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his pocket.
A couple minutes later, the frog spoke again and said "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for a day." The engineering student takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it, and returns it to his pocket.
A few minutes after that, the frog speaks to the student and says "If you turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for a day and do whatever you want!" Yet again, the engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it, and puts it back in his pocket.
The frog speaks up and says "Look, I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a day, and I'll do whatever you want." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket and says "Look, I'm an engineering student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem, why haven't you multiplied?" says Noah. The snakes reply, "Cut down some trees and make a table for us to live on", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
The snakes reply "We're Adders and even Adders can multiply on a log table."
Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
Here is one that I made up today!
Q: What is so special about a tree with right angles?
A: It has square roots!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Rabbit, I told your Adder joke to my dad (a mathematical physicist with a wacky sense of humor). He groaned. This is highest praise, of course! Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
Adam is created in the Paradise, but he is alone and really bored. So, God comes and tells him: -if you give me your left arm, leg, shoulder and ear, I can make for you a companion who is smart, funny and good looking. Adam broods on it a bit and then asks: -And what do I get for a rib?
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hmmm Rabbit, that's not the version I heard.
Noah let's all the animals go after the flood waters have dimineshed. He goes around to each creature and makes sure it's doing OK. When he gets to the snakes he finds that there is still only two of them. Worried, he begs them to begin a family, or the entire population of snakes will be wiped from the Earth. The snakes agree, but ask that he cut down trees before he goes. Confused, but glad that they finally see it his way, Noah chops down several surronding trees. He return a few months later to find snakes all over the place. He is of course delighted, and goes to seek out the two orignal snakes. "This is great" he says, "but I'm curious, why did you want me to cut down the trees?". "Well", reply the snakes, "We're adders, we need logs to multiply".
Hobbes Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
What can you seat on , lay on and brush your teeth with? . . . . . . A chair, a bed and a tooth brush.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."
Posted by ssywak (Member # 807) on :
So, it was career day at little Johnny's school.
All the children stood in a line, and the teacher asked them about their parents.
"So, Emily, what does your Daddy do?"
Emily says, "My daddy is a doctor!"
Continuing, the teacher asks, "So, Peter, what does your mother do?"
Peter responds, "My mother is the CEO of a major multinational company!"
And then the teacher turns to Johnny, "So, Johnny, what does your daddy do?"
Johnny gets very sad, and says, "My daddy's dead."
"Oh, Johnny, I'm so sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?"
To which, Johnny replies: "He went AAAAAUGH!"
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
A man goes into a job interview...
Boss: So, where have you been for the past five years? applicant: In Yale. Boss: That's great! You're hired! By the way, what's your name? applicant: Yim Yones.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Dear Lord,
So far today, I am ok.
I have not gossiped, or lost my temper. I have not been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have charged nothing on my credit card.
But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need Your help then.
Posted by The Wiggin (Member # 5020) on :
Whats red and green and goes forty miles an hour?
anwser in:10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 A frog in a blender.
AND NEXT
What do you get when you cross a Elphant and a Rhino?
anwser in:10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Elfino
[ October 21, 2003, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: The Wiggin ]
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
The Pope, a very famous business man, a very famous politician and a little boy are in a plane. Suddenly, the plane breaks down. There are onnly 4 paracuhtes. The pilote takes one and jumps. The business man says: I run the biggest company of this country, thousands of people need me, they can't do well without me: I need to live. ...he takes a parachute and jumps.
The politician says: I am the cleverest man in this country. Without me, the nation will loose all significance on the world stage, my people need me alive. He jumps.
The Pope says to the little boy: I am an old man. I have faith in my creator. If He says that my time is ripe, so be it. You can have the last parachute.
The boy answers: That's ok! There are still 2 left: the cleverest man in this country jumped with my rucksack.
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
Peter arrives in the paradise and meets with God. All around God, there are cloks. Peter asks about them. God says: -for every person on earth, I have a clock. The clock moves forward everytime its allocated person says something stupid.
Peter asks: -and where is (here you put the name of someone you really hate)'s clock?
God blushes and says: -I've put it on my desk: I use it as a fan.
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
Please don't get offended.
After the II world war, the GIs caught a very important german general. He knows the name of all the generals most involved in horrible stuff during the war, but he won't tell them. The GIs try every torture they know of, they try to isolate him, to frighten him, everything. But he still won't tell. Then comes a little jewish guy, a civilian. He says: -leave him with me, he'll tell. The GIs look at this little guy and laugh: he is no taller than a child, skinny and not impressive at all. But because they already try everything without success, they agree. 2 days later, the little jewish guy comes back with the full confession of the german general and a list of his colleagues. Very impressed, the GIs ask him how he did it. He says: -simple: I just sat beside him and said all day: tell me, tell me, tell me...
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
I don't get that last one.
Posted by Mormo (Member # 5799) on :
I don't get it either, mon.
An Italian division is preparing to ride into battle in WWII. A German liason officer is advising the the Italian general in charge. "You should wear that red jacket from your dress uniform, Herr general. Then if you get shot the men cannot see the blood and won't lose heart because of a wounded leader," the German tells the general. The general thinks a moment, then says, "Si! Good idea. Orderly! Bring me my red jacket. And some brown pants, too!"
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
-o-
What do some women do to keep their hands soft and their nails so long and beautiful?
Nothing, nothing at all.
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
Tom goes away for a few days. He leaves his cat with a friend. On the first evening, he calls his friend and ask how the cat is doing. -Not good, replies the friend, I'm afraid it's dead. Tom is very shocked and blame his friend for his lack of tact. He says: -You should have prepared me for the bad news instead of saying it blankly like that! For exemle, you could have said that it had climbed up the roof and wouldn't come down, and then tell me that it looked a bit off colour, and then tell me that it was dead. -ok, got it, sorry. -oh, weel, never mind. And how's my nan? -well...she climbed up the roof and wouldn't come down.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Here's an anime fan joke I heard recently...
Q. How many Dragonball Z fans does it take to screw in a light bulb...?
A. Only two, but it takes them ten episodes to do it. ^_^
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
what do you call a woman with only one leg?
Eileen
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
What do you call her after she gets a wooden leg?
Peg
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
A poplular Television evangelist was holding his typical healing session during his sunday sermon. He called two men up to be healed.
Preacher- Turning to the first man, "what is your name and what seems to be bothering you today?"
1st man - "well my name is Jim and I have had to walk with crutches my entire life"
Preacher - "well go and stand behind the curtain and wait for the healing power of the lord"
turning to the second man - "what is your name and what seems to be bothering you?"
2nd man - (need to immitate voice)"my name is Bill and I have a speach impedimate due to a hair lip"
Preacher - "go wait with jim behind the curtain and we will heal you today with the power of the lord"
The preacher turns to the crowd, "today we will heal these two men with the power of our faith. Now Jim I want you to cast aside your crutches, and Bill speak to us all"
There was a slight pause and then Bill spoke (again you must immitate hair lip) - "Jim fell down"
THis is perhaps the funniest joke I've ever heard but you really have to sell the voice.
Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
What's a zebra after it's 5 years old?
Six years old.
What's the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit doesn't look like a gorrila.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
Why is the sand wet? Because the sea weed.
Posted by Speed (Member # 5162) on :
Norm MacDonald was on Conan last night. He told a relatively amusing joke. My paraphrasing won't be as good as his delivery, but we'll see how it goes:
Norm's hungry, so he decides to go out and get something to eat. He goes in and orders a Polish sausage. The guy says, "Are you Polish?"
Norm says, "Why would you think I'm Polish? Just because I order a Polish sausage? If someone came in here and ordered french fries, would you think he was French? If someone ordered a belgian waffle, would you think he was Belgian? What if someone ordered a hamburger? Would you automatically assume that he was from Hamburg, Germany? All I did was order a Polish sausage. What on earth makes you think I'm Polish?"
The man replies, "Well, first off, this is a hardware store."
*rim-shot*
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
What lays on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station that crashed and burned on reentry? A. Oy Veys Mir
Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human? A. When it graduates from medical school.
Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women? A. Oil of Oy Vey.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
You're familiar with Murphy's law, right? Anything that can go wrong will? Well, are you familiar with the equally-popular Cole's Law?
Shredded cabbage with dressing.
Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
You know, this leopard which escaped the zoo this morning...well, it got spotted!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, with an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always let your boss have the first say.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
haha, pretty funny Rivka. I love genie and 3 three wish jokes
A rich objectivist laissez-faire economist and his trophy wife were cruising to Costco for pate and brie in their Lexus SUV. The wife noticed a scraggly man and two small boys eating weeds and grass on the side of the road. "Look, honey, what the hell is that hobo doing?" They pull over and get out to talk to them. "What the hell are you guys doing!" asked the economist "We are just dirt-poor and I have no money for food since the plant done shut down, so we are reduced to eating grass and weeds so's we won't starve," said the poor man. "Well, come on and pile into my truck, and I'll take you back to my house where you can all eat as much as you like." "And my young'uns, you'll feed them too? I have 6 more kids. . ." "Sure, the more the merrier!" They go to the poor man's shack, then all the children jump into the SUV and they all zoom back to the economist's estate. "Sir, I can't thank you enough for feeding me and my kids. . ." says the poor man tearfully. "Think nothing of it! You just eat all the grass you want, if you finish the front yard there's plenty more in the back that needs trimming."
[ October 31, 2003, 03:31 AM: Message edited by: Morbo ]
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
[ October 31, 2003, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: Morbo ]
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who just broke out of prison?
A small medium at large.
Posted by ana kata (Member # 5666) on :
Oh Noemon! <laughs> You've got to meet my brother! I think you'd love each other's jokes! Posted by tancath (Member # 5769) on :
-Do you know, Linford Christie gets £10,000 a second for the 100 meters.
-...Why does he run so fast, then?
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Halloween Jokes the kids told me:
Why did the witch cross the road? Cause it was the chicken's night off.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Cause it was feeling crumby.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
The zoo was worried. The old elephant was acting strange. They discovered he was suffering from an infection of his Ivory. They quickly called the worlds most famous Elephant Dentist, Doctor Dan.
"Doctor Dan, what do we do." "You need to pull the tusk off the elephant." "How" "Just grab it an give it a big yank."
THe zoo staff went to the aching elephant, grabbed the tusk and pulled. It did not budge. They called Doctor Dan again.
"We can't get the tusk out. What do we do." "Ship the Elephant to my Alabama office. I'll get it loose. The fee is only $100,000." "That's a lot of money." "I'll make you a deal. If I can't get the Tusk free in one pull, there is no charge." "Done!"
The zoo packed the elephant (Its trunk was already set to go) and flew him down to Alabama. As soon as they landed, Dr. Dan met them, walked up to the suffering elephant, grabbed the tusk, and with a gentle pull, popped it out.
"Wow!" said the zoo people. "How did you do that."
"Its elementary. The tusks were in tight in the zoo, but everyone knows that the Tuscaloosa in Alabama."
Posted by Gottmorder (Member # 5039) on :
The Great Debate:
Back 10 centuries ago, just before the crusade was launched, the Pope decided that all the Muslims had to leave Jerusalem. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Muslim community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all the Muslims could stay. If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to leave. The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mullah stared back and raised his middle finger and smiled.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Mullah Nasruddin pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Mullah pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims can stay."
An hour later, the cardials were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and stamping his feet, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the old Mullah in total astonishmen. "What happened?" they asked. "Well,"said the Mullah, "First he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims. I said none of us leaving this land!"
"And then?' asked a woman."
"He took out his lunch and I took out mine," said the Mullah.
Posted by Black Mage (Member # 5800) on :
I heard that with Jews instead of Muslims.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Same here, Black Mage.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Ditto. Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water. She is standing on the shore, not wanting to get her feet wet. All of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere, and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: Lord, how could You? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that You would be proud of?
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!" A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson.. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."
"Who?"
"Moishe Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Moishe."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
The first Christmas joke!!!
Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our fett would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was 'just up ahead.'
One year I snapped. 'Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight.'
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
This was told to me by my biology proffesor.
How do you make a hormone? . . . . . . . .
Don't pay her.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Posted by Happy Camper (Member # 5076) on :
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[No No]](graemlins/nono.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wave]](graemlins/wave.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)
![[Wall Bash]](graemlins/wallbash.gif)
![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif)
at Morbo's joke.![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
![[The Wave]](graemlins/thewave.gif)
![[Monkeys]](graemlins/monkeys.gif)