1) The following is satire. I am not worried that people won't find it funny. I am not worried that people will think its my true beliefs. I am worried that someone will take it seriously, and pass it. Then I'd have to move to Canada or something drastic like that.
2) This is not an attack on Christ, Christianity, or the people of faith who are Christians. It is an attack against the "Ceasar in Temple Robes", the politicians --elected or behind the pulpit -- who cloth themselves in the trappings of belief in order to gain privately. I mean those who's claim to faith is based on poll numbers, who step between the people and God and mistake their own wisdom for God's wisdom, their own bias's for God's judgements. I mean those leaders who see a crowd on their knees, and think the worship being given up to God belongs to themselves, that the honor that is given to God belongs to them, and that the obediance that is given to God should be, must be, and will be given to them.
These "Ceasars in Temple Robes" have been very vocal recently, and they have been considering a new attack, the Constitutional Ammendment. Whether it is an Ammendment to restrict marriages to 1-man/1-woman, or to allow for (or demand) the display of the 10 Commandments in a court house, or even thier part in a Pro-Life ammendment (though far from all Pro-Life people are these politicians and their followers), what they really want to do is, eventually:
PROPOSED CONSTITUTIONAL AMMENDMENT
The United States of America is a country that guarantees every citizens right to practice the religion they wish. Nor shall it impose any specific religion upon its people. However, Christianity is a faith that covers many churches. It is the basic faith of the founders of this country, and Christianity's morals help guide, build, and ennoble this country.
As such, symbols of this faith shall be displayed at every public place.
As such, members of the Christian Faith, people belonging to approved Christian Churches (and have a formal document of Baptism), shall be entitled to priviledges to encourage this good morality, and to keep the United States in God's favor.
These individual priviliedges include, but shall not be limited to, the Tax Rebates, School Vouchers (when applied to approved Christian Schools), and prefered voting status. One Christian Vote shall be equal to 2.5 non-christian votes.
A council of twelve leading Christian thinkers, originally appointed by congress, but later, each councilman shall appoint his own successor, shall deem which churches shall be considered true "Christian" churches, less evil and agnosticism, sneak in under false names.
The elected Council of Christians met in Trenton New Jersey. They were there after known as "The Council of Trenton".
This was their first communique to the rest of the world:
Any church wishing to be listed as a True Christian Church need only meet the following guidelines, and submit a small fee (based on membership) to cover the costs of this council. Further, the costs of a Formal Document of Baptism shall be $150, of which $50 will be sent to this council to cover administrative costs. We will not have churches selling under priced Document's of Baptism.
To meet belief guidelines to be a "True Christian Church" the church must agree to the following 5 Commandments of Faith
I. Jesus Christ is our savior. Belief in Jesus Christ, son of God, and savior of Mankind is all that is needed to be saved. However you must come to church and attend all of its functions, spread the gospel, and follow the lead of those in the pulpit to be well and truly saved.
II. All Life is sacred. Life begins at conception and continues to death. Abortion and Euthenasia is just different names for murder. However, capital punishment, the innocents killed in righteous causes, and those killed by sin-begotten diseases are just in the eyes of God.
III. Marriage is Sacred. Its the building stone of the family, which is the building stone of our community. However, the bible clearly states that it is the union of one man and one woman, preferably of the same race and religious belief, and hopefully within the same economic class.
IV. Jesus Christ teaches us to Love our Neighbors. However, the bible also teaches, "The wages of Sin is Death." This proves that capital punishment is neither Cruel nor Unusual. Instead it is not only permissable, but a sacred duty. A quick and timely death should be the result of any major crime (accept for crimes where no violence was intended or performed, such as embezzelment or misuse of church funds).
V. Men and Women are equal in the eyes of the Lord. However they were made differently. As such each has a different role to play in this world. Men shall not wear feminine clothing, high heel shoes, or earrings. Women shall not do overly heavy lifting, be politicians or preachers.
They promise more detailed lists of rules will follow.
Posted by littlemissattitude (Member # 4514) on :
Been listening to Pat Roberson again? You do know he has proclaimed the need to nuke the State Department, don't you?
*shakes head in disbelief that Robertson hasn't yet been arrested for making terrorist threats*
Anyway, you just forgot one thing in relation to I:
quote:I. Jesus Christ is our savior. Belief in Jesus Christ, son of God, and savior of Mankind is all that is needed to be saved. However you must come to church and attend all of its functions, spread the gospel, and follow the lead of those in the pulpit to be well and truly saved.
Should have included, after spread the gospel, "Give money to the church; giving to other good causes doesn't count, as the church is the only institution that can determine what constitutes a good cause."
NOTE: This is offered in the original spirit of satire. Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
The problem of Fundamentalism seems to have no problem with the bottom line!
[ October 13, 2003, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: Erik Slaine ]
Posted by Caleb Varns (Member # 946) on :
Aside from making Christianity and the government so closely entwined that we'd need a Council of Believers to manage the relationship, which of those goals are not presently right in line with the Christian right?
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Good stuff, Dan. :0
Posted by Chaeron (Member # 744) on :
You forgot the clause establishing the Inquisition.
Other than that, good stuff. Posted by Hazen (Member # 161) on :
The leftists, meanwhile, don't need an amendment, when they can invent penumbras that emanate in a convenient manner.
All I can say is: National Lawn Care. No price too much for equality.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Heck, I'm just trying to figure out what a penumbra is.
It sounds dirty. . .
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
The umbra and penumbra are parts of a shadow, neh?
Posted by Maccabeus (Member # 3051) on :
Yes, the umbra is the main, darkest part of the shadow; the penumbra is the lighter part around it.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
I think what Hazen is stating, then, is, and you must excuse me for putting words in your mouth, but:
"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of Leftists? The Shadow knows."
[ October 14, 2003, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Dan_raven ]
Posted by The Shadow (Member # 5663) on :
Of course I do. Because I am to the Left of Hilary. She is only a shadow of true liberalism. MWHAhahaha
Posted by Hazen (Member # 161) on :
In Roe v Wade, the court explained that there was a penumbra in the constitution that emanated the "right to privacy." I was mean-spiritedly mocking that.
And, of course, Weapons of Mass Reduction. Them tricky terrorists.
Posted by Department of Culture (Member # 5814) on :
Alright, nothing to see here. Move along.
Posted by newfoundlogic (Member # 3907) on :
My only problem with the satire is that it seems to include pro capital punishment and pro life inherently under the same stance as anti-homosexuality. I'm not a religious nut and in fact think that religion should be kept as far away from government as possible and yet I still think abortion is wrong, capital punishment is justified, and affirmative action is wrong.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Newfound, welcome to the middle.
I may not have stated it clearly enough, but I believe that many good people are anti-abortion, and many of their argurments are quite strong. When in doubt if this is a life or not, it is better to err on the side of life.
Yet it is the "Wolves in Shepherds Clothing", the religios Poli-fanatics that try to gain politically with this issue that spoil it with so much other rhetoric. They don't try to stop abortions, they try to get elected with the promise that they are against abortions.
I am not attacking Capital Punishment, I am attacking the rabid enforcement of it that our present Attorney General has demanded of all US Prosecuters recently.
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