Santa is a Jolly old elf, mainly cause Mrs. Claus is hot stuff.
Santa loves the cookies and milk, but sometimes, in the middle of Christmas night, he gets a craving for Roast Beef on Rye.
One year, after someone spiked Santa's cocoa, he missed the entire country of Latvia. But then again, so do many people, and they aren't drunk.
Santa never ran over any little old ladies with his sley, though there was that hit and run incident with the Concorde in '89.
Santa says the northern lights are not ionized particles reflecting off our atmosphere. There the results of Rudolf sneezing in mid-flight.
Santa has been known to mumble "Micheal Jackson is the Anti-Claus."
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Santa hates how reindeer smell after about four hours of hard flying.
Landing on a slanted, snow-covered rooftop at midnight in late December when your hands are frozen to the reins is HARD.
One of Santa's chief problems has always been the snot icicles melting off his mustache when he's trying sneak across someone's living room.
Since Santa got his GPS tracker, delivery night efficiency has gone up a full 20 percent.
Santa's computerized Naughty/Nice ranking system is being criticized by childrens' coalitions everywhere as impossibly biased toward the interests of large toy manufacturers. So far, North Pole officials have not denied that its development and implementation was sponsored at least in part by companies such as Hasbro and Mattell. But, they say, "we have the interests of every kid at heart."
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Rudolph didn't sneeze, Dasher was ready with a match.
Posted by Possum (Member # 2549) on :
Do I know an elf named Legolas???
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
Santa didn't have time to watch Return of the King because he was so busy this season. But Santa also got access to the special extended edition DVD (not yet available) to watch in January, and you should see his entertainment center!
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
Contrary to popular opinion, Santa actually likes the carrots . It's the reindeer who are cookie fiends.
Posted by Wussy Actor (Member # 5937) on :
Santa has been dead since 1972. His duties have since been assumed by the NSA and used as cover to place bugs and cameras in every household in the world in blatant defiance of our privacy laws. “He sees you when you’re sleeping……He knows if you’ve been bad or good.” If that’s not Orwellian I don’t know what is.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Santa is really glad that he's got so many "helpers" to take care of the department store gigs. Frankly, getting the pee stains out of his clothing was just getting to be too much.
Santa doesn't like to play favorites, but gosh darnit when he was little, Billy Gates was so goofy looking that it was hard not to slip him a little extra toy as compensation. In retrospect, he might've created a monster.
Not that he's complaining, but have YOU ever tried to be both JOLLY and OLD at the same time? It ain't easy!
One request people: lock up the darn pitbulls on Christmas Eve. I mean c'mon, this ain't rocket science.
Santa's favorite spoof of his name was by the Marx Brothers: "Sanity Clause, oh you no-fool-a me! There is no Sanity Clause!" Chico
The proliferation of outdoor fireplaces has caused some very embarrasing moments for Santa in recent years.
As far as Santa is concerned, 'Twas the Night Before Christmas and A Christmas Carol are sheer drivel. Give him Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer any day.
One particularly bad winter, Santa had to substitute polar bears for reindeer. Those darn bears haven't shut up about it to this day. Now they're even doing Coca-Cola commercials!
Considering the fact that they work only one day per year, the reindeers really are a grumpy bunch.
God tried being Santa for one day, but all that unconditional love just went against the grain. That and the elves kept asking over and over about why they had to leave the Garden of Eden too even though they'd never done anything wrong. It was just all too annoying.
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
Sorry, that needs a Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
Children are always sad when Santa confesses that Frosty doesn't really exist. But he refuses to fill their heads with false hopes.
Santa is actually a distant cousin of Rudolph. The red nose? Runs in the family. Rudolph leading the reindeer? Nepotism at its finest.
[ December 19, 2003, 12:09 AM: Message edited by: Leonide ]
Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
Santa doesn't really mind when this happens. It just means less work for him.
Posted by Daedalus (Member # 1698) on :
Santa doesn't have much of a sex life. But when he does come once a year, he covers the entire world.
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
Eddie!
normally i wouldn't mind, but in a Santa Claus thread? blasphemy! santa doesn't have sex. *whimpers*
[ December 19, 2003, 08:28 AM: Message edited by: Leonide ]
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
It does explain his cheery laugh. Its realy an attempt to find some ladies of negotiable virtue. He's calling "ho, ho, ho."
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Nookie and cookie. I can see where the confusion might arise.
Santa originally wore blues and purples because they go much better with his skin tone, but after that unfortunate incident with a hunter in Bavaria, he decided to go with bright red like Mrs. Claus had suggested all along.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
I started this thread just to get Bob_s to post his gems of humor.
Santa admits that Rudolph was the second Red-Nosed Reindeer. Randy, the original, took a job in Amsterdam, in the Red Light District. The pay is about the same, and the hours are longer, but Ooooh, the benefits.
Santa has a twin brother named Sam, but Sam never was interested in toys. He owns a used car dealership in Fresno.
Though Mrs. Claus won't let Santa visit the girls on the Naughty list, Santa does keep their e-mail addresses for those long lonely winter nights.
Vixen is a flirt.
Few people realize that the North Pole Rugby Team is a world class amateur organization.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Santa tried to glom onto the Labor Day holiday just to have something for the elves to do during the mid-year slump, but the unions wouldn't go for it.
Posted by Grasshopper (Member # 1055) on :
Santa's glad for the high-tech layoffs of the last couple of years. Finally he's been able to get some helpers who know something about all these newfangled gadgets the kids want.
Santa's kind of glad for the switch to gas fireplaces; the dry-cleaning bill was getting out of hand.
Santa grades on a curve and tosses out the top 10 and bottom 10 days of the year.
Santa has never been sure where to send his Christmas wish list.
Santa really hates it when people ask for things like "peace on earth" for Christmas. I mean, there's only so much elves can do!
Santa's been thinking of getting to the gym more often, but just can't find the time.
Santa's not big on gender-neutrality.
Santa can't wait until the day after Christmas so he can shave off that big ol' itchy beard.
Santa's favorite holiday used to be the Fourth of July, but then people started doing the whole "Christmas in July" thing, so his favorite holiday now is Easter.
Santa's been thinking about using a PDA next year for his naughty/nice list.
Santa knows that smoking is bad for your health, but figures if he hasn't gotten lung cancer by now, he's probably immune.
Santa doesn't like skim milk; he thinks it's indistinguishable from water.
Santa likes to lip sync to ZZ Top in front of a mirror.
Santa doesn't have much time for leisure reading.
Santa has a contract to share his naughty/nice data with God for the final judgment.
Santa can be a real micro-manager when he has a headache.
[ December 19, 2003, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: Grasshopper ]
Posted by Grasshopper (Member # 1055) on :
Santa wears colored contact lenses.
Santa takes his sleigh offroading when he gets the chance.
Sometimes, when Santa fills up the stockings, he switches around some ornaments on the Christmas tree, just to see if anybody will notice.
Santa likes the new Thinsulate™ lining in his red suit.
Santa has a whole warehouse full of Cabbage Patch dolls, just in case they make a comeback.
Santa's not satisfied with the licensing fees he gets; he's shopping around for a new agent.
Santa's sorry that they don't make 'em like they used to, but what with the postwar population boom and all, he's had to cut corners.
Santa got really bored while sitting for his Norman Rockwell portrait.
Santa hasn't been able to get his wedding ring off for years.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Santa denies uncategorically that he has agreed to share his "naughty and nice" lists with the Justice Department.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Santa's not very good at practical jokes. Once he gets past the "coal-in-the-stocking" thing, he's just fresh out of ideas.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Rudolph is not much better with practical jokes. He loves the fake Reindeer poop, and occasionally doesn't use fake stuff.
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
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