I have this problem, and I'm wondering if I should have let it get me as mad as it has. You see, there's this friend I've had since the beginning of the school year. I like her, but I worry about her because she seems to have problems that I'm unable to deal with. Now, both of us are friends with this guy, and both of us like him.
I've come to terms with my relationship with this guy, I'm thinking right now something to the tune of "Que sera, sera" and thinking about enjoying being friends with him. I know he's attracted to me, but he wants to be friends, at least for now. I'm not sure whether or not he's attracted to her, but I do know that he and I have more chemistry.
But my friendship with her seems to be suffering... Over the break, she hasn't been on AIM much, but when she has, she hasn't really IMed me. Yesterday, she IMed me, and here's our conversation.
(Note: To protect the innocent, she is coded as "Friend" I am coded as "Me" and our mutual guy-friend is coded as "Guy"
Friend (11:34:31 PM): hey Me (11:34:34 PM): Hi. Me (11:34:37 PM): How's it going? Friend (11:35:01 PM): what's up? Me (11:35:08 PM): I asked you first. Friend (11:35:08 PM): it's fine here, I guess. Lonely for school though Me (11:35:18 PM): Really? Me (11:35:20 PM): Hm. Me (11:35:40 PM): How was your Christmas? Friend (11:35:42 PM): yeah; I miss everyone and the internet Friend (11:35:51 PM): fun; but I got some weird gifts Friend (11:35:57 PM): all the bells and whistles Me (11:36:03 PM): Weird gifts? Friend (11:36:09 PM): yah Friend (11:36:43 PM): a belly chain of bells and a nutcracker and a cd by someone I never heard of. And Santa tried to bribe me with $80 Friend (11:36:46 PM): you? Me (11:37:02 PM): I got some good stuff. Like a new black belt. Friend (11:37:08 PM): nice Me (11:37:15 PM): And I got a new printer. Friend (11:37:24 PM): sweet! Me (11:37:32 PM): It's got a scanner. Friend (11:37:45 PM): so you did get yourself a scanner Friend (11:37:48 PM): share? Me (11:38:00 PM): (shrug) Me (11:38:14 PM): You've got a digital camera, it probably looks better than my scanner would. Friend (11:38:42 PM): bah. I share. But I don't know how much you will need to share with me. How is everyone? I'm never on and it is so hard to reach people coughGuycough offline Me (11:39:07 PM): He's fine. He's getting better. Friend (11:39:22 PM): yay Friend (11:39:28 PM): where is he? Me (11:39:40 PM): ...In Oregon....? Friend (11:39:47 PM): I know that much Me (11:40:03 PM): At his Mom's, I assume. He was at his Dad's place yesterday and the day before. Friend (11:41:02 PM): he's at his dad's today still apparently Friend (11:41:13 PM): I just read an email from him Me (11:41:21 PM): OH. Friend (11:41:35 PM): but he was at Floyd's before Me (11:41:39 PM): (shrug) I didn't ask him where he was. Friend (11:42:09 PM): I only know because he said in an email about how I might be able to reach him after trying for 3 days or so Me (11:42:32 PM): You're confusing me... Friend (11:43:05 PM): sorry Friend (11:43:10 PM): I don't mean to Me (11:43:49 PM): So how are you doing? Friend (11:44:42 PM): tired, at the moment. I was up too late last night, just feeling very restless. I couldn't sleep. For a while I was pacing. But I had nice dreams, so my morning was fine Me (11:44:51 PM): Oh yeah, what did you dream about? Friend (11:45:56 PM): umm...in one dream I was with Guy and we had to go shopping for something. That's all I remember about that one. Then the one I was having when my sister's woke me was at a hotel or something and there was something big going on, like a mystery party or something Friend (11:45:59 PM): it was nice Me (11:46:05 PM): Neato. Friend (11:46:12 PM): yeah Friend (11:46:21 PM): how've you been? Me (11:46:36 PM): Pretty good. Pretty much the same as usual. Friend (11:47:03 PM): nice Me (11:47:25 PM): How've things been at home, with your dad and all? Friend (11:47:47 PM): not bad, I guess Friend (11:47:53 PM): some days Me (11:48:19 PM): And other days? Friend (11:48:57 PM): ...I don't want to think about them Me (11:49:14 PM): Sorry. Friend (11:49:24 PM): but I have to get going; I want to try to call Guy before I hit the rack Friend (11:49:32 PM): it'll all be fine once I get back to school Me (11:49:42 PM): Well, that's good then. Friend (11:49:47 PM): yah Friend (11:49:49 PM): take care Me (11:49:53 PM): You too, bye. Friend (11:49:54 PM): bye Friend signed off at 11:50:06 PM.
To me it seems like she just IMed me to ask about this guy, and then used the opportunity to try to take advantage of my Christmas presents.. What am I supposed to think about that? I'm really upset that my friendship obviously means so little to her. I'm hurt because she really didn't seem to have anything to talk about with me besides that... I make it a point to avoid talking about what I do and say to him, so I won't hurt her feelings, but she seems intent on making the whole thing a contest!
And I'm still interested in having a friendship with her AND having a relationship with this guy someday, but she's told me in no uncertain terms that if the two of us got together, she would be completely miserable and 'maybe would never come out of her room'. On top of that, she periodically talks about how she's afraid she'll 'drive all of her friends away, know that she did it on purpose, and die alone'
I hate being guilted, and I know that's what she's doing. I want to help her, because she needs friends, but I don't want to be friends with her out of a sense of duty. But I think that if I stop being friends with her, the guy might not understand. It's driving me insane Hatrack, what should I do?
[ December 26, 2003, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: Ryuko ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
It sounds like a very difficult situation. (((((Ryuko)))))
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
Why quibble about sharing your gift?
It sounds a little like you are letting the unspoken strain of this little triangle color your reaction to other unrelated things.
Even if she did try to parlay the conversation into a way to use your scanner/printer, if your willing to be friends, it isn't unheard of to share that stuff (particularly at college). "Que sera, sera," right? If you just don't want to share, then perhaps her cost of being a friend is higher than yours.
Some people are higher maintenance than others. It happens, and if you aren't willing to confront the other 2 with the situation, as you see it, you aren't left with many other choices, it seems to me.
-Bok
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
To be honest, if you hadn't mentioned that that was a conversation between you and a friend, I would never had known that the two people conversing were friends. Maybe I'm just bad at reading tone in IMs of people I don't know well. I don't have any good advice... I hope it all turns out well Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Bok: I don't really care whether she wants to use my scanner... I'm mostly just hurt that all she had to talk about was him, when we've been friends longer. I go out of my way not to talk about what he and I do together, to make sure that I'm not hurting her feelings, but she can't talk to me for fifteen minutes about something other than him. She contacted me specifically to ask about him, which makes me feel as though the friendship I have with her is worth nothing.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
My eyes glazed over about halfway through the conversation, but I'll trust your analysis that "She contacted me specifically to ask about him, which makes me feel as though the friendship I have with her is worth nothing."
So, if I have this straight, you're upset that your friend doesn't spend every conversation she has with you to discuss your life?
That's some friendship.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
(sighs) I guess this IS just a lot of stupid melodrama, isn't it... It's more that I haven't heard from her in a week, and she won't even answer when I ask her how she's doing.
I don't even care anymore. I'm sorry. Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Of course it's a melodrama. You're 19, your life is supposed to be a melodrama. It's nothing you need to apologize for.
((Ryuko))
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
*also huggles Ryuko* She might also have talked about him just because...it was something to talk about at the time, if that makes any sense to you. I mean, I know a _lot_ of the conversations between my friends and me have to do with some guy, or bands, or...our plans for Dublin, but that doesn't mean that's all we have to talk about. It's just what's easiest to discuss most of the time.
-pH
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
(((dkw))) (((pH)))
Yeah... Maybe you guys are right. I dunno. It's hard to explain why I feel this way. But it's something I can deal with when I get back to my dorm...
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
quote:Friend (11:34:31 PM): hey Me (11:34:34 PM): Hi. Me (11:34:37 PM): How's it going? Friend (11:35:01 PM): what's up? Me (11:35:08 PM): I asked you first.
quote:Me (11:43:49 PM): So how are you doing? Friend (11:44:42 PM): tired, at the moment. I was up too late last night, just feeling very restless. I couldn't sleep. For a while I was pacing. But I had nice dreams, so my morning was fine.
quote:Friend (11:46:21 PM): how've you been? Me (11:46:36 PM): Pretty good. Pretty much the same as usual. Friend (11:47:03 PM): nice Me (11:47:25 PM): How've things been at home, with your dad and all?
Ryuko-
I don't know anything about the relationship between the two of you, but this conversation looks like one where you're the interviewer and she's the interviewee.
When she did ask about you, you kept your answers short and redirected the conversation back to matters concerning her.
You seemed to only give longer responses when you were answering questions regarding Guy or asking about her wellbeing. ::shrug::
My 2 cents.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
(nods) Yeah, LadyDove, that's how our relationship is much of the time... She's quiet and I'm talkative. I'm also worried about her well-being at home, because she talks about her relationship with her stepfather a lot, and it's not good. I'm worried about her, and I'm sort of miffed that she didn't want to talk about what's going on over there with me.
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
(((((Ryuko)))))
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
It's nothing you need to apologize for.