quote:

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Samantha glanced up as the well dressed but slightly ruffled looking young man swung into the empty seat beside her. She smiled wanly and turned slightly toward the window, raising her book. He settled in, and looked her up and down. “Ride the bus often?”

“Mm.” She made what she hoped was a polite but discouraging noise, but he continued, “I’ve never actually been on one before. My car broke down just down the road, and they towed it to this place. I can’t believe there isn’t a rental car in fifty miles, but they said it would be quicker just to hop the bus to Minneapolis and rent a car there. I need to get to Duluth by tonight.”

There was a long pause. “Man, it’s sure green around here. Where I come from we don’t have much of this green leafy stuff. What is all that?”

She glanced out the window. “Soybeans.”

“How can you tell?”

“If it were corn it would be tall and pointy.”

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quote:

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She glanced out the window. “Soybeans.”

“How can you tell?”

“If it were corn it would be tall and pointy.”

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The way I imagine the girl's tone here, I find this very amusing. That's all for now.
 

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Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
 
(laughs) I like this one! It's nice and sarcastic and I know that I'm gonna get picked right away because I'm from MN, but whatever...

I'm soft on stories about people who talk in weird places like on the bus. Because I sometimes do that. No one talks on the bus! She tries to

quote:

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“Mm.” She made what she hoped was a polite but discouraging noise, but he continued, “I’ve...

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quote:

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“Mm.” She made what she hoped was a polite but discouraging noise, but he continued,

“I’ve...

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I dunno, that's just how it seems it ought to be to me..

I like it, it flows very well... I would have guessed someone if the answer hadn't already been guessed. Good sample, dkw!!! Hey, no one had the chance to guess me.. MUWHAAHAHA.
 

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Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
 
well dkw would have been my next guess...
AJ
 

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Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
Perhaps not enough people know that Ryuko is from MN.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
saxon, what's amusing is that I know where I've read a similar conversation (although the roles were reversed, and it was Kansas). But I doubt dkw has taken up writing Lois&Clark fanfic.

I guess it's just the way people really DO tell apart soybean fields and corn fields!

[Edit: I know where Ryuko lives. That's why I didn't pick her!]

[ January 22, 2004, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
Alrighty then:

quote:

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Samantha glanced up as the well dressed but slightly ruffled looking young man swung into the empty seat beside her.

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The rest of the excerpt is really good; interesting, amusing, but this first sentence is bland. It's long, the "glanced up" bit sounds contrived, there are too many descriptions, it's like an essay sentence. Perhaps describe the man throughout the passage as opposed to all at once. When you see someone, you don't think "there's a well dressed, slightly ruffled young man." all at once, especially on a glance. In fact, on a bus, unless specifically people-watching, you barely notice anything except what newspaper they are reading.

Perhaps instead of saying slightly ruffled, say something about the man which makes him slightly ruffled.

He's never been on a bus before? I thought I was bad!

Maybe Samantha should try and ignore him more at the start, especially since she ignores him steadfastly later on.

I think this is a person attempting to disguise their writing. I think.

My Random Guess: Bob Scopatz

EDIT: Oh well, too slow. *sigh*

[ January 22, 2004, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]
 

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Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 
Hm. I was going to say Christy, too, if only because she spent a summer in Duluth (and therefore knows it exists) and actually CARES about Midwestern crop yields.
 

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Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
This is from an undergraduate creative writing class. The assignment was (would you believe it) “Write a dialogue between two people on a bus talking about the scenery.”

And Ryuko -- the whole time I was trying to write it, I went around ranting “people don’t talk on buses!”
 

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Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
 
I need to stop getting distracted in the middle of my post! People keep guessing it before I click send!
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Ah...strangers on a bus. The poor woman is doomed!

Okay, I like the smart/sarcastic tone at the end. The description of her reactions up to that point are a little ordinary: smiling "wanly" and "turning slightly toward the window."

I was thinking maybe you could punch those up a little with sort of a Dashiel Hammet (sp?) kind of phraseology:

She smiled like she'd just bitten into a lemon...

Okay, too overblown. Maybe she smiles "thinly" instead of "wanly" Or has that kind of down-turned smile reserved for pesky younger brothers?

Looking out the window is good. Maybe she catches him checking her out in the reflection on the window? Something to give her some more buildup to her eventual reaction?

Just a thought.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
I beg to differ. For four years, I took the bus to and from UCLA. And people DO SO talk on buses.

Sometimes even to other people . . .
 

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Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
She's not doomed. The guy is in totally over his head.
 

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Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
 
so what happens next? If you've already written it is there more that you can share with us? I want to know how she smacks him down.

AJ
 

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Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
 
What's really funny is that I grew up in Duluth.

And that my submission in Round 1 was part of a story about a couple on a road trip to Duluth.
.
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But it's not me.

Edit: Obviously. I didn't see dkw's somewhat subtle ding ding ding.

My critique:

How did she know he was looking her up and down? The point of view seems to be through Samantha's perceptions. Did she see him doing it in the window reflection?

Other than that, I like this passage. The two are really characterized well. I like the dialogue and the way the story is presented through it.

[ January 22, 2004, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
 

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Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
afr, I know. I was hoping both you and Ryuko would be distractions. But Rivka was too smart for me.

Banna, I'd be happy to send you the rest of the story.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
*waves dismissively* Eh, they're all flat states in the middle somewhere.

*flees*
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
I'd love to read more of it too!!!

I want to see what happens to this poor sucker who tries to pick up women on the bus.

And I figured the woman was doomed because the guy is some sort of alien who gets very hungry on long road trips.
 

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Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
 
Hey, Rivka, I'll have you know Duluth is set on a sizeable hill overlooking Lake Superior.

I think there's another hill in the state as well.

So there.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
I have been to the mountain.

Duluth, that is.

And actually, Duluth is a seaport and thus not exactly ON the mountain, but at the base of it.

The little town of Proctor, MN is on the actual mountain. I know the police chief there.
 

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Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
 
Rivka knows where I live!!
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 

 

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Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
 
Well, yeah, Proctor and Hermantown are at the top of the hill, but fairly far back from the actual hillside. I lived close to the top of the hill near UMD, and that was still Duluth. In fact, Duluth extends back past Miller Hill Mall and the shopping area up there.

Hey, dem's my old stomping grounds, man! I could take you on a guided tour!
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
I'm game! I love that area.
 

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