quote: I can still remember the first time my daddy whupped me. He wasn't around much back then, so most of the time when he saw us he always made sure to hug us and cuddle us and tell us he loved us as much as he could; he always told Ma when she asked that he didn't want to throw a wrench in the works. So it came as a shock when he took his hand to me, even if I can't say I didn't deserve it.
He was just back from one of them business trips, and he and Ma were talking quietly in the next room with the door shut. Maysie and me were still dressing and undressing our new Barbies when he came out and his face lit right up. He swooped down and grabbed us, one under each arm, and swung us back and forth until Maysie started hooting and hollering so much that we thought she was going to get sick. So he set us down and got down on one knee and asked me, all serious, "So you being a good girl, Marybelle? You minding your mother?"
Well, I was twelve. I had a good enough idea what Ma got up to when she went to town in those candy-apple pants with her hair down, and I figured Daddy did, too. But I kind of screwed up my nose and thought about it until I just started laughing. When he asked what was so funny, I leaned right up into his face and shouted so loud he rolled back on his heels.
"I don't think a body can do both, Daddy," I said, and then he hit me.
Two points for providing critique. Critique must be more substantial than “I like it” or “good flow.” If I’m not sure if something counts as critique, I’ll award one point. Critique points can be earned even after the round is officially over.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
What the heck is corn pone? And why isn't it corn poan?
Anyway, this was a fun read.
I had only one minor grammar quibble:
I'm pretty sure this: Maysie and me were still dressing ...
Shoulda been this: Maysie and me was still dressing ...
I haven't got a clue who is capable of writing in country dialect in these here parts, but I'll give it a whack and guess Tresopax because he jess so daggone creative like.
Oh, and that last line cracked me up.
[ February 16, 2004, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
I like this piece. It flows really well, and you get a good sense of what this girl's family life was like. I'm curious as to what her father did/ why he wasn't around. I like the really straight-forward way in which this is presented. I'm not really sure I'd like to read more of this though. The fact that it starts out with, " I can still remember the first time my daddy whupped me." tells me this isn't going to be the happiest of pieces, and I don't like to read things that are really dark or depressing or sad. But I like the style of the writing. No idea who could've written it, so no guess.
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
I would be surprised if this was a girl.
I'm guessing Chris Bridges because I've never played before and I've at least read something by him. Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
The warmth and humor remind me of Belle for some reason. I enjoyed the excerpt, though I thought it was jarring that the main character shouted the last line. *shrugs* Maybe it's just me.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Unless the story is about how the father increases his penchant for whupping, I wonder how effective your first sentence is. If the story is about a father/daughter relationship that turns abusive, you're fine-- but if it's really about how Mama cheats on Daddy, you may just want to skip that line.
I want more info on the setting-- the narrator talks like she's rural country, and I'm getting 1950's vibes. However, the reference to Barbies makes me think these kids have some money to them.
Speaking of Barbies, and not having any experiences with them. . . do 12-year olds play with Barbies?
BUT-- excellently done, IMO. The voice is as fresh and authentic as cream and strawberries.
LUDOSTI
[ February 16, 2004, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to all.
Edit: Still no to all.
[ February 16, 2004, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: dkw ]
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
I edited my post as you were posting. . .
What about LUDOSTI?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to all INCLUDING Scott.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
You mean Scott didn't write it, or Scott's guess was wrong?
I guess Scott Posted by Tristan (Member # 1670) on :
quote:I had only one minor grammar quibble:
I'm pretty sure this: Maysie and me were still dressing ...
Shoulda been this: Maysie and me was still dressing ...
Maysie and me are two persons and thus plural, which to me suggests that "were" is correct. But I defer to the grammar nazi, should he weigh in.
This are one of those pieces that are so good I have a hard time to come up with any criticism. I had some trouble getting the joke at first, but I attribute that to my unfamiliarity with southern dialect. I had to think before I realized that "body" in this case was synonymous with "person".
My guess is that this is written by Icarus. He is a great writer, and I think this is a theme he might chose.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:This are one of those pieces
It'd be more correct to say:
This be one of them thar pieces...
Or
This here am one o' them pieces...
Posted by Tristan (Member # 1670) on :
Sure would.
And now I can't go back and edit, since you've quoted it. Evil Bob.
[ February 16, 2004, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Tristan ]
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
God likes it when Bob talks country, because it reminds him of one of his two favorite kinds of music.
(Thas' right, you know it ... say it, SAY IT!)
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
What you're not seeing, Scott, is that some backwater places still FEEL like the old days because of how, well, backwater they are. This is something I would expect of a really rural place in the south where the present hasn't come yet. (That's how it feels to me.)
By the way, I can make these comments because that's where I was raised.
I mean it COULD be the fifties, in which case the Barbies do seem out of place, when it could just say dolls. Most kids didn't actually get "Barbies" back then.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
I guess Psi teleport.
Posted by Tristan (Member # 1670) on :
She's not on the list...
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
Question: I seem to have stayed at 13 points for the last three rounds, despite my guesses and critiques and rationale. Should I start crying now, or is the stomping of the feet a more appropriate response?
[ February 16, 2004, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: Brinestone ]
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Crap. Tristan is though, so I guess him. . .uh, her. . . uh. . .
I guess Tristan.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I slipped from second place to third! And afr is breathing down my neck (stop! that tickles!) -- better remedy that.
I like this piece very much. The only grammar quibbles are clearly deliberate dialect choices. It has good flow, and I like the narrator's 'voice.' And the punchline of the piece is very clever.
In fact, I wonder if this piece was written expressly for this game?
I guess Bob_Scopatz
Done Been Guessed and Noed: Tresopax Chris Bridges ludosti Scott Icarus Tristan Bob_Scopatz mackillian Annie sarahdipity
Ya Thunk it Might Be: Tom Davidson Jon Boy Belle Dragon rivka Papa Moose
[ February 16, 2004, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Mmm. I'm liking the perfume, Rivka.
Don't tell my wife!
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I like this piece a lot, but some of the dialect rubs me the wrong way; it's a bit heavy-handed in places (like "them business trips.") So I'm going to guess that it's someone who's not actually a Southerner, but is trying hard to sound like one and/or has some familiarity with the region.
Mackillian?
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Great style on this piece, although it's almost a little to pleasant for what happened. It does seem like it was written expressly for this game, because it focuses so much around the last line instead of around further development of the plot. If the story were going on, that punchline might have been a bit less set up and punchline-ish so it didn't disrupt the overall flow.
I'd like to know more about what her dad did. Marybelle talks like she grew up on a rural farm, yet her dad seems to be a white-collar businessman. I could see him being a salesman of some sort. She needs to elaborate on that. His actual job description would make a great opportunity to characterize him further.
I am going to guess Annie.
[ February 16, 2004, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
quote:But I kind of screwed up my nose and thought about it until I just started laughing.
Was I the only one confused by this sentence? I couldn't tell if the narrator meant she laughed 'cause she screwed up her nose or 'cause she was thinking about her mother, or if she meant she had screwed up her nose prior to the incident or just then.
That's probably just me, though.
I got the impression the author is female.
I also vaguely think it stereotyped just a smidge. That's probably just 'cause I've seen way too many movies where southern men were portrayed as abusive.
I really like the piece all in all. There's a few quirky sentences, but that I'm sure those are just there to set the atmosphere.
My first two guesses were Tristan or Annie, but they've already been guessed. I'll say sarahdipity.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to all.
Brinestone, I'll go back and re-score after I get home from my meeting tonight.
Posted by Tristan (Member # 1670) on :
I want to file another guess before I go to bed. Since I seem to remember another piece where he made good use of dialect, and since he may have provided a nice bit of mis-direction, I'm guessing Tom Davidson.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Jon Boy?
Posted by sarahdipity (Member # 3254) on :
This piece made me giggle and reminded me of the writing in [i]To Kill a Mockingbird[\i]
[quote] He wasn't around much back then, so most of the time when he saw us he always made sure to hug us and cuddle us and tell us he loved us as much as he could; he always told Ma when she asked that he didn't want to throw a wrench in the works [\quote]
This sentance made me pause a bit. Does the last bit refer to when Ma asked him to punish the girls? That's what I finally decided on.
I was going to guess mack but since she's a no I'll guess Belle due to the southern accent.
Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
I had thought that that sentence was his explanation of why he wasn't around more. As in, he would mess up the system of things if he showed up and helped out. Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
I also think it's heavy handed and rings false, as if someone is trying too hard with this stereotype.
I'm thinking male, for some reason. As for the critique, there's no real critique that wouldn't be a criticism of the chosen style. And since that was on purpose...I would have to say it accomplished its goal well.
I'm guessing.....Dragon, just for the heck of it.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Well heckfire! My ding dang guess was wrong agin'.
I'm a gwanna giss rivka 'cuz of sumpin she done said in her post.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I really liked this piece. I thought it was funny, and to a foreign ear, quite authentic in dialogue.
The style reminded me a little of OSC's in the Alvin Maker series... and as we have a resident Crystal City celebrity on the guess from list, I'm going with Papa Moose.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
It was me. And I think Belle's entirely right.
The piece is the opening of a larger story, told mainly in flashback, about an abusive childhood in 1960s Arkansas. The girls, at the beginning of the story, are twelve and seven; their father is a traveling salesman who's rarely home and, on returning from the road, always brings gifts. He's a kind if absent man, but his wife is cuckolding him. As the story progresses, they contemplate divorce -- but she dies drunk in another man's car, and he's forced to take a leave of absence from his job to take care of both daughters. He tries several caretakers, but the girls won't behave and don't take to them -- so he finally quits and settles down in a local supply store. At this point, of course, he turns to drink and starts to beat the older girl, and....
Well, anyway, even as I was writing it, I was having Belle's reaction: it's okay if you aren't actually from the south, but I think everything about it says "fake, cinematic stereotype" to actual southerners. I've been thinking about scrapping it, in fact, for exactly that reason.
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
That could be a really fascinating book if you did it right, Tom (as in, didn't make it too depressing). Good luck.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Well, I've really tried to avoid giving it too depressing a tone by keeping the narrator sympathic; despite everything, she still adores her father and rationalizes his abuse. I try to displace reader reaction into the younger daughter, who grows up rebellious and bitter and semi-consciously jealous of the fact that SHE was (to her mind) never important enough to her father to be beaten.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Tom, the person who is writing this...how old is she supposed to be at the time of the narration? How well educated?
The reason I ask is that you could achieve the same effect without making it necessarily Southern, let alone fake Southern.
It would be simpler and perhaps more compelling to have her be obviously ill-educated. Disagreement in number between subjects and verbs would be one good way. Saying "me" instead of "I" in sentences like "Sis and me did ...".
Even mispelling some common words would be useful.
None of that need sound particularly Southern -- although the general state of education in the South might turn out a greater proportion of such ill-educated folk, the bottom line is that it is possible to have those mistakes show up in anyone's writing if they simply didn't get enough training.
Same kinds of mistakes could be used for a protagonist who is simply too young to have learned all the proper rules yet.
Sorry to butt in, but rather than see you lose a good story, I thought maybe this might be a way where you could work on it.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Well, at least I was right about him being a salesman. Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
::looks at watch::
Come on, now. Those stories aren't critiquing themselves, you know.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
I'm having trouble critiquing this properly. I really liked it, although I know nothing about the sort of people and speech in the story. For an except, it stands really well by itself and I was actually fairly sure it was a solitary piece, but oh well.
quote: I thought it was jarring that the main character shouted the last line.
I agree. I heard it in my mind as more of a whoop, not a yell or a shout.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I'm going to use the word "whoop" now. Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
I slipped from second place to third! And afr is breathing down my neck (stop! that tickles!) -- better remedy that.![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)