...if she hadn't made a big deal about it. A friend of mine is going through a tough time. Her parents are divorcing and she's all the way across the country. She's been having a tough time for a while, but never really gotten a chance to talk it out.
We were hanging around this evening, thinking about watching a movie, when she decided she felt like talking about it. She and my roommate left the room, and then a bit later, my roommate came back saying that my friend wanted to talk it out, but she didn't want me present. She just wanted my roommate and another mutual friend.
I wouldn't have been bothered so much if she hadn't come out and said it. If she hadn't told me that I wasn't welcome. As it is, I'm more miserable than I was before they left, (I haven't been feeling well lately anyway...) and my roommate made a big deal about me not being mad about it.
I completely understand not wanting to have me around. I'm unable to talk about my feelings to more than one person, even, and three people is just wayyy out there.. On top of that I haven't been the greatest friend recently... We don't necessarily have very compatible personalities. And on top of all that, I have no idea how to deal with a situation like the one she's going through...
But the fact that she actually came out and said that she didn't want me around... That really hurts. I would have been fine if they had just disappeared and not come back. I would have found something else to do. And later on when I found out what was going on, I might have been a little hurt, but I'd have overlooked it.
I just feel like I'm not good enough... There's no reason for me to be so upset... I'm sorry for complaining to you guys, but if I wrote it in my LJ or something, she'd read it.
Posted by ak (Member # 90) on :
<<<<<Abby>>>>>
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
It was extremely, extremely rude of them to ask you to leave if you were in a common area and they had other places to go to talk. Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Ak - <<<Anne Kate>>>
Stormy - They didn't ask me to leave, they left and asked me not to follow.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
I don't know the whole situation, but I can definitely understand why your feelings are hurt. Really sorry, Ryuko.
Posted by aspectre (Member # 2222) on :
Take it as a compliment that she trusted you as a friend enough to not to make up a white lie, to tell you openly that they needed privacy.
It's hard to express emotional pain before several people. It's even tougher to express the ugly emotions&thoughts that accompany the feelings of abandonment&betrayal accompanying divorce. And nearly impossible to mutually share those sometimes-horrifying feelings&ideas before someone who has "no idea how to deal with a situation like the one she's going through..."
Take it as a compliment that she expected you as a friend to be strong enough to bear her weakness of needing privacy with those who did understand how to cope with her problems.
[ February 19, 2004, 01:57 AM: Message edited by: aspectre ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
That's a good perspective.
Yes, I think you should simply choose not to take it badly. If you can.
In her defense, she's going through a rough time and not necessarily geared up right now to think of other people's feelings.
And in the emotion of the moment it'd be easy for your other friend to concentrate more on the big hurt and ignore your feelings too.
But I'm just making up excuses. I'm sorry you had to experience this.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
I agree with what aspectre says -- the fact that this person came right out directly and let you know she wasn't going to include you, instead of coming up with some lame excuse -- shows that actually she respects you. She is, in essence, saying "You are my friend enough that I know I can say this to you and you will understand."
And it looks like you DO understand, even if it stings a bit.
Farmgirl
Posted by HenryW (Member # 6053) on :
You are on the right path - as you said 'haven't been a good friend lately' - maybe it is the right time to be a better friend and honor her wishes.
Perk up - You may well find that, as this thing plays out, you would have been lousy council anyway. You darn sure won't run the risk of becoming a crutch, which can be a long term committment that often ends in something akin to divorce...
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote:you would have been lousy council anyway
You're going to hurt the feelings of the voices in her head.
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Really sorry, Ryuko.