Well? I know the question is worded badly, but that's only because I'm tired. And that's a good excuse only because I said so.
I'd say ten years is probably the max, in my opinion. To have a close and meaningful relationship, you'd have to have similar core beliefs. But when your ages are ten years apart, you no longer grew up in the same time period, the same generation. Many of your beliefs will be drastically different, as would changes in your life. Picture a woman losing her father-in-law when she's only 30, or a man losing his wife when he's only in his late 50's.
I know there are exceptions, just like there are rocks that float or anime that's digestible with enough antacids, but the far majority of marriages like these that I have seen have ended in tragedy.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
I think the rule is Your Age/2 + 7. Upper limit being Your Age - 7 * 2
So for me, it's between 16 and 22. to all you eligible bachelors...
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
I think it depends on how late the couple gets together. But then, I'm 22. My parents are ~15 years apart, and my dad is in his late seventies.
Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
The older you get the less it matters. I'm 4 years older than my wife, but if I'd have met her even a year earlier, we probably wouldn't have gotten along. (She was only 18 when we met and changed a lot between 17 and 18)
I have a friend that is 12 years older than his wife, and they are perfect for each other.
The problem with your idea Ryuko is that my grandmother met her current husband shortly after my grandfather died. She was 70 at the time. 70/2+7=52 and there's no way that she'd have found anyone that much older. Conversely, 18 yr olds shouldn't be dating 70 yr olds.
Posted by Ben (Member # 6117) on :
i dated a girl four years younger. and a girl 6 years older.
my rule is at least 18 but lately ive been thinking at least 20/21. other than that i say it doesn't matter.
Posted by fiazko (Member # 5812) on :
Wouldn't 70/2+7=42? There it is! The question to the answer to the meaning of life.
Anyway, I agree that the older both are, the wider the gap can be. When I was 22, 27 seemed old. Now that I'm 25, I've widened the gap a bit: three under, ten over. That seems reasonable enough for me now, but I may change my mind as I continue to age.
Now, my parents were 25 years apart, and the age difference wasn't the problem. Aside from the advanced state of dysfunction, the downside to my dad being so old was that he died before I got a chance to really appreciate him.
Age and maturity level are two different things. Not that 18 year olds should be dating 70 year olds, but there are cases in which large age gaps are irrelevant.
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
Man, why is Ryuko's range larger than mine? With that logic, I've only got the option 15 to 18 year olds. What's up with that?
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
Goat, I loathe myself for saying this, but I really think it depends on the people. I swore after my first marriage ended that my next husband would be closer to my own age. My first husband was 8 years older. My now-husband is 9 years older. *rolls eyes at self* So much for that idea.
One of the best couples I know has a 13 year difference -- where SHE is the older of the two. You can't tell they have a difference in age at all, neither by looking at them (he's a cancer survivor, which makes him look older, and she's just plain out gorgeous with a face that will always age well) nor by knowing them personally. They have one of the best marriages I've ever seen. I hold them up as a standard to aspire to.
So I guess it depends on the people, though generally, to me, that much of an age difference would be a red flag.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Tony's 10 years older than me (21 - 31) and we've been together for 3 1/2 years now.
Age was an issue at first: mainly his friends comprehending he was dating an 18 year old, and my friends comprehending I was dating a 28 year old.
Our families were a little hesitant at the beginning, but as soon as they saw we were (and are) happy they were fine with it. Once we got through that, we didn't have any age issues.
Mind you, neither of us is typical for our respective ages. Tony has just gone back to uni (PhD) so we'll both be studying this year, and I have always been very indepedent.
[ February 25, 2004, 02:04 AM: Message edited by: imogen ]
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I don't think age difference is something that has some kind of universal boundary. It really depends on the people involved. For example, my parents are ten years apart. My older brother married a woman who was (I think) seven years older, but he was definitely the more mature of the two; after their son was born (her second child, though the first was...I don't know where), she refused to take on any responsibilities in caring for him and basically plopped him down in front of the tv to keep him quiet.
It depends on the backgrounds of both people, definitely, how they were raised, what they value, etc. a lot more than simple age, in my opinion.
Edit: Teh speeling.
[ February 25, 2004, 02:17 AM: Message edited by: pH ]
Posted by Dante (Member # 1106) on :
What pH is getting at is that she really, really wants me to ask her out.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Dammit! How can I be so transparent?! *shakes fist*
Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
I won't date anyone older than my mother or younger than my little sister.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
My mom once said (in reference to one of my sister’s older boyfriends) that it was okay to date anyone closer to your age than your parents’ age. That same sister is now considering dating an older guy with teenage kids, and has decided to add the caveat that you also must be closer to his age than his kids’ age.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
my grandmother & grandfather were 22 years apart in age. My aunt & uncle were 20 years apart in age. My sister & her husband are 17 years apart in age. I personally have rarely dated anyone less than 10 years older than me. (it must be a family thing). My first boyfriend, when I was 15, was 23. But now that I'm a parent, I don't think I'd want my daughter at that young age dating someone that much older.
But I agree the older you get, the less it matters. I'm 42. I met a very attractive man the other day that is 63. Would I go out with him if he asked? you bet!
I have just NEVER dated anyone younger than me. I don't know why -- I'm not opposed to it. It has just never happened.
Farmgirl
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
this kid in this show is 14 and his wife is 42 and i don't care. I have never dated anyone. But I won't date someone younger than 18. Or older than about 36. Yeah, 36 is about the maximum... But it all depends on love... My friend is dating someone who is around 50 and she's 22.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
I think it's good for people to be in the same phase of life.
I also think it's more acceptable for an older woman to be with a younger man. I know that's biased, but I find it disgusting for a middle aged man to be with a young woman. I'm not really happy about a middle aged woman with a younger man but I wouldn't call it disgusting or pathetic. (except for when they are middle aged women who have been artificially youngified like Demi and Madonna)
edit: I was really turned off by Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart coming out as an item.
[ February 25, 2004, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: pooka ]
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I think that the whole discomfort with older men being involved with younger women is that we have a tendency to be more suspicious of a man's motives to begin with. Then when he's a lot older, it seems like it'd be horribly easy for him to dupe the woman into something, or it seems a lot more likely that he just wants a "trophy."
Demi Moore freaks me out as a person. She's just...yeah, really scary. And didn't she date Colin Farrell, too? Save some pretty boys for the rest of us!
[ February 25, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: pH ]
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
I think the point was well made by someone already that age difference has different degrees of importance depending upon what age we're talking about.
Sorry FG, but you'd have to use chains to keep me from preventing my 15 year old daughter from dating a 23 year old man. Or my 15 year old son dating a 23 year old woman, for that matter. It might have worked out okay for you, but I know that far more typically, it is exploitive for the 15 year old. The difference between 15 and 23 is *enormous*. Where the difference between 35 and 43 is negligible.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
I take a lot of flack for dating someone 4 years younger than me, but as soon as people meet him I never hear another word about it.
My point is, it's entirely dependent on individual situation. I wouldn't set a rule saying that all people of a certain age are OK to date. Although it may be a good, general, vague guideline, how many of us choose significant others based on general, vague qualifications?
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
I once dated a woman nine years my senior. It was the highlight of... well, of my dating career. She was awesome. There wasn't really any long-term relationship potential, though... but we both knew it, and it was okay. Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I actually usually don't even think to ask the age of those I'm interested in...I don't know why; it just doesn't seem important to me. I think how old someone _seems_ is a lot more important than how old he _is_.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
unrelated- I wanna date somebody!
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote:I think how old someone _seems_ is a lot more important than how old he _is_.
Amen.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
quote: Sorry FG, but you'd have to use chains to keep me from preventing my 15 year old daughter from dating a 23 year old man. Or my 15 year old son dating a 23 year old woman, for that matter
Oh, I totally agree jeniwren! (as I said in my post above). Looking back, I'm amazed that my family allowed it -- but there was some serious stuff going on in my house at that time that made it so that hardly anyone noticed. I would never allow it for my own daughter.
But all I remember is my family kinda saying, "it's okay -- he goes to church" -- like that made everything perfectly acceptable. (yes, this is the guy who got my virginity).
Now that I'm a parent, I don't want my daughter dating until she is 25 !!!
Farmgirl
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:What difference can there be in a romantic relationship?
I'll let you know in a few years.
Actually, I think age CAN matter most to the friends of the couple. I mean, the couple is just fine building on common interests and making new shared memories, right? Then you get together with their "crowd" and what happens? The older crowd wants to talk about Dewey versus Truman or repealing Prohibition and the younger crowd wants to discuss what a bunch of jerks RIAA are.
It's a culture clash of the friends of the couple!!!
Now, what I think happens is that when nerdy couples get together, the age thing matters a lot less. Why? Because all their friends are interested in Tolkien and who can recite pi to the largest number of significant digits. Timeless stuff like that. So anyone who can talk the talk is included regardless of age, gender or how wrong they are about Frodo being drawn from the Homeric hero archetype.
Anyway, that's my theory and I'm sticking to it.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Oh, age DOES matter for the woman if you want to have babies without using the adoption or theft methods.
But since there are so many babies available for adoption all over the world, even having babies underfo...um, I mean "around" is not such a big deal, IMHO.
I had a baby underfoot once. I prefer slippers.
Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
Well, for me, I'm mostly attracted to older women, and older women are more attracted to me than women my own age or younger. So that fits.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Ditto what pH said. Age is not a question I ever ask; if I find out someone's age, it's usually because they asked for mine.
Posted by Dante (Member # 1106) on :
pH, I'll pick you up at 7:00. Wear your dancing shoes.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I had lots of pre-concieved ideas about who I was going to date. Including that the guy would be tall and 4 to 10 years older than me.
I've been with someone for 4+ years now who doesn't fit either category (shorter than me and only 6 months older) and we get along just fine.
Interestingly, when I was 17 I had two guy friends who were 21 in the same calculus class with me. One of them was dating a 28 year old who had a 6 year old daugher and the other was dating a 16 year old.
The then 21 and 28 year old were still together 4 years later. The 16 year old, dumped the 21 year old the next year and broke his heart. It took him about 3 years for him to get over her. He thought she was the girl for the rest of his life, while she was saying she was too young to make that decision, even though her parents loved him.
AJ
Posted by Anti-Chris (Member # 4452) on :
The main problem with age is that all the girls around me at work and classes and such that I'd like to ask to a movie or something, are old enough that they are already married.
Seriously, all these girls that look 19 and 20, turn out to be 26 and already have 3 kids. I'm sure I flatter them, though, so it's not a waste of my time.
Synth:
quote: unrelated- I wanna date somebody!
Me too. Want to kill 2 birds with 1 stone and meet me at the movie theater?
::looks for stroller:: ::follows Jon Boys advice and looks for a ring::
Posted by lcarus (Member # 4395) on :
*cough*Ryuko*cough*parentheses*cough*
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
I thought for a minute Icarus was giving Ryuko a clandestine hug.
Then I figured it out. Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
FG, no kidding! I think I may lock my kids in a closet when they each turn twelve and let them out when they're 25. It's tempting, anyway.
The whole "but he goes to church" thing doesn't hold much water, does it? In my case, my parents let me spend a lot of time with a 28 year old man when I was 15 with the idea "but he has a girlfriend". Didn't make any difference.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
The idea of letting my 15-year-old daughter date a guy in his mid-twenties boggles my mind. Do you think it was ... a lack of attention, or else naivete on the part of your parents that they thought it was okay?
My brother got into some trouble as a teenager, and I'm firmly convinced it was a lack of attention that allowed it to happen.
Posted by aka (Member # 139) on :
I don't think age matters. My brother's wife is 10 years older than he, and they are perfect for each other. I think age only matters if it matters to the people involved. Things that really matter seem to transcend age.
Posted by Sachiko (Member # 6139) on :
It's all about money!
Really, though. I never knew before I got pregnant the first time how many kids I'd have, so close. It's come in pretty handy that my husband was already in his late twenties when I was still a teenager and about to have a baby. We were a little better off, economically.
Also, I get to gross him out by reminding him that when he was going to his senior prom, I was getting the Weekly Reader in elementary school. Muahahaha.
[ February 26, 2004, 02:12 AM: Message edited by: Sachiko ]
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
quote:The idea of letting my 15-year-old daughter date a guy in his mid-twenties boggles my mind. Do you think it was ... a lack of attention, or else naivete on the part of your parents that they thought it was okay?
Katharina,
It was just a mish-mesh of circumstances that let me slip through the cracks. That year, I wasn't seeing much of my dad because of a conflict between him & my step-mom over his visitation time with me (my parents were divorced). My mom was pretty much not involved in my life (that story is in a previous mom thread). I was raised by my grandparents, and at the time I was 15, my grandmother -- who was the rock in my life -- was going through hell with cancer (she died when I was 18). She spent a lot of time in/out of the hospital and in bed. Although she was the one who said, "he goes to church." I think she really just didn't have the energy to fight about it. And my grandfather was busy taking care of my grandmother.
So I was pretty much on my own and independent (although living at home) at age 14 and up through high school. Did whatever I wanted, and that included dating older men <GRIN>
Farmgirl
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
*sigh*
Romeo, Romeo - where for art thou, Romeo? Deny thy . . . blah, blah, blah.
My ex-husband was 18 years my senior. It initially worked fine when dating (since, as I said before I was a wanna-be hippie and he came from the real thing, so we at least had common ground to pretend on) . . . where the problems kicked in (post-marriage) is when he revisited the 50's early childhood memories he had of how women should stay at home tending the children and saying "yes, dear" and "no, dear" . . .
*insert gagging smiley*
I knew it was over the day he said to me (in complete and utter seriousness) "Young lady - you stand still and listen to me this minute." My jaw hit the ground and then I laughed and walked off. Sadly he didn't drop it. He followed after and continued to insist. It was all downhill from there . . .
(Obviously, there's much more to the story than that snippet, but when talking age difference, I felt it apropos. Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Oh Shan...that's just so sad.
Turns out he was role-playing hippie all along too, wasn't he?
Sheesh!
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
4 years and 10 days is my limit, luckily, my relationship is well within those bounds.
I have to say, there is defaintly some stigma associated with significant age difference (1 year) when you're under 24 (anecdotaly determined number ). I do tend to avoid telling people age difference until they sepecfically ask, but even then it seems that if you're a guy and the younger... well it's not like everyone thinks it's just as normal as a knapsack, but the reaction of that compared to the reaction I get when I inform people Annie and I met online (yes, the brilliant Annie above ).
Annie, people only stop mentioning it when they meet me because they realize to think someone as perfect as you dating me means you've lost it.
Hobbes Posted by Taalcon (Member # 839) on :
The cuteness is making me weak...
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Sorry, I'm incapable of mentioning Annie without describing some of her complete perfection. Everyone else feel free to skip that part of my response, I still said something relating to this discussion... I hope.
Hobbes Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
quote: it's just as normal as a knapsack
I love that! I think I might start using it.
"So Imogen, how was your day?"
"Oh you know, just as normal as a knapsack."
Posted by Taalcon (Member # 839) on :
But are knapsacks really all that normal?
Posted by DocCoyote (Member # 5612) on :
Okay, for my $0.02. I was involved with a man for 11 years who was 24 years older. We were married for 4 of those years. What blew it away (yup, gotta be predictable) was my biological clock ticking in the same time he was contemplating retirement. My conclusion? It was wonderful for 11 years, because we shared the same goals, values and interests, and a healthy sense of humor about the whole thing.
Ultimately, though, it was a tough lesson for me when the time came to go our separate ways. Biology won out over friendship. And I can't help feeling I did the right thing when I look at my six-year-old who never would have been part of my life if I hadn't left that relationship. (BTW, once again, it's Mrs. DocCoyote posting here tonight)
Posted by The Wiggin (Member # 5020) on :
Wut exactly is a knapsack?
[ February 26, 2004, 11:51 PM: Message edited by: The Wiggin ]
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
It took me a long time to come up with a word that rhymed with "normal" and was actually normal.
A knapsack is a backpack basically.
Hobbes Posted by Taalcon (Member # 839) on :
When you looked for rhyme of normal, did you ever think of formal?
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
My mind boggles at your accent if knapsack rhymes with normal for you...
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hmmm... I used the word rhyme when I meant "starts with the same sound" (a.k.a. alliteration). Interesting...
Talcoon, it had to be a noun.
Hobbes
[ February 27, 2004, 12:28 AM: Message edited by: Hobbes ]
Posted by aka (Member # 139) on :
I think the ideal word for that figure of speech would have to start with an N sound, and be a trochee, like knapsacks. Just like "dead as a doornail".
As normal as narcolepsy?
As normal as ninepins?
As normal as neverland?
As normal as kneepants?
As normal as a notary public?
As normal as nomenclature? (It helps that nomenclature has th O and M sounds too.)
As normal as a nanny goat?
As normal as newsprint?
Still none of them knock me down. I like knapsacks best. Hobbes has always been brilliant with words.
[ February 27, 2004, 12:41 AM: Message edited by: aka ]
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
You're wrong and all, but it's still sweet to say so.
Hobbes Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Hobbes is skilled with language, absolutely. One of his many stellar qualities.
Regarding age difference: 20 years apart for my parents, 15 for me & my husband. There are indeed a different set of problems that arise, though. I wouldn't change my situation for the world, but it's worth going into with your eyes open.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
I still insist that I am not but...
What exactly is the problem with age differences? Is it all because people feel that anyone who is significantly younger must be trapped or tricked or somehow misguided? I'm not saying this belief is always wrong, I'm wondering if that's it or if there's more (minues the reproductivity states/too young to date in the first place arguments).
Hobbes Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Hobbes: Mostly, I think that's the case.
Posted by aka (Member # 139) on :
What if the older one is the most innocent, though?
Posted by Danzig (Member # 4704) on :
Depending on how much more innocent, probably still wrong, but much harder to tell if such is the case.
Posted by Pod (Member # 941) on :
normal as n = 1/sigma*sqr(2pi)*e^-((x-mu)^2/(2sigma^2))
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
by the way, Hobbes is adorable.
Carry on.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
most girls (ladies?) i've been with for relationships were always 26 y.o. mind you at this time I was 20-21 y.o. now I'm almost 24 and prefer about 18-19 y.o. i don't think that's all bad it's close to my age. the only problem is i have better chances of a longer relationship with older women than not. I'm the oldest of three and have always gotten along with adults more than kids my age.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
*scratches head*
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
"most girls (ladies?) i've been with for relationships were always 26 y.o. mind you at this time I was 20-21 y.o. now I'm almost 24 and prefer about 18-19 y.o."
Eek, Stan, at this rate, when you turn 26, your girl of choice will be sixteen or seventeen. (kidding)(I hope)
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
*stabs age*
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
My grandparents on my mother's side married with only a little more than ten years between them; eighteen and around thirty, but there was one, major problem. My grandfather had been to war, and my grandmother hadn't.
The years past, and my grandfather, with all his experiences, realised he had married someone with none. And my grandmother realised she had married someone who was too old and serious for her to be as frivolous as she wanted to be.
I think it depends entirely on the situation...
EDIT: And thinking about it, I'm not sure, as a forty year old woman, I would like to wake up one morning and discover my husband is fifty-five or sixty.
[ May 08, 2004, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
Teshi,
Well, clearly your name ain't Demi.
fallow
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I would like to state that my new favorite age for men is twenty-three.
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
to all you eligible bachelors...
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Save some pretty boys for the rest of us!![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
).![[Kiss]](graemlins/kiss.gif)
![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)