If you live in Florida and have a child of schoolable age, you might be in the midst of FCAT frenzy this week as the standardized test is wielded to make sure your kids know what they're supposed to know. And if you're like me, you're suddenly regretting that time you told them that wind is really tree gas.
I have always completely and thoroughly answered any question my sons have ever asked me, no matter how difficult, embarrassing, or inconvenient, with a total lie just to mess with their heads. That's just the kind of loving father I am.
It's one of the perks of being a dad. You have this wonderful child, bright and inquisitive, who trusts you implicitly in all things and will actually believe that airplanes fly because of giant rubber bands.
[ March 03, 2004, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: Chris Bridges ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
May I say, this is my favorite of your columns so far.
And I'm sending the link to my dad.
[ March 03, 2004, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: dkw ]
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
Ah, the joys of being a dad. This reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes and the wonderful way his father creativly informed Calvin of the many ways in which the world "really" worked.
Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
quote:Presidents are chosen by mortal combat.
Now there's some elections I'd want to see! Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
My aunt told her daughter that the white lines behind the planes were trails for the baby planes, so that they could find their way home. The best part was listening to this daughter arguing with her husband over it...when she was thirty. She was near tears.
*laughs* Parents, be kind to your children.
Posted by lcarus (Member # 4395) on :
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
This is WONDERFUL! It's one of the reasons I love being an aunt! Thank you Chris. Posted by jehovoid (Member # 2014) on :
Excellent.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Great one.
After coming off a weekend long seminar on how to be a good adoptive daddy, I needed that.
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
Don't worry, Chris, even without your expert guidance kids will come up with their own wild explainations.
When I was a child, I watched a lot of television mystery series. By the time I was ten, I was laboring under the delusion that everyone would eventually have to murder someone, so you had to plan to make it "the perfect crime". I didn't like it, but that was life.
Another wonderful column, and I'm glad I had time to read it today. Thanks, Chris!
[ March 03, 2004, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: eslaine ]
Posted by lcarus (Member # 4395) on :
quote:After coming off a weekend long seminar on how to be a good adoptive daddy, I needed that.
Just a weekend? I had to take a nine week course. Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
Calvin and Hobbes was much on my mind when I wrote this.
Calvin: How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then? Dad: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just that the world was black and white then. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too. C: But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? D: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane. C: But... But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then? D: Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. C: So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too? D: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?
And I love the explanation of the theory of relativity and how it relates to time zones. "Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you're going west."
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
The sun sets in Arizona. Actually Chris, the best part of the comic you quoted was then end (I'm paraphrasing here, it's been a while since I've read it):
Calvin: You know Hobbes, sometimes the world seems like a copmlicated place
Hobbes: Whenever it feels like that I always have dinner.
Hobbes Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
What really pained me was that I've been screwing with my kids' minds for 18 years now and I can't remember the really good ones.
(while passing the stadium in Daytona Beach)
"Dad? What's Greyhound Racing?"
"Oh, that's a bus race."
"Wow! With passengers?"
"Yep, fully loaded. The screaming gets intense when they're on the banks. People go to bet on the number of survivors."
"Can we go sometime?"
"You'll have to ask your mother."
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
Calvin: How do bank machines work? Dad: Well, let's say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot. Calvin: Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door? Dad: Exactly.
Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :
It was a camp tradition to try and convince the kiddies that the birds wheeling overhead were examples of the rare Brebeuf Albino Hawk. They were seagulls. You'd be surprised how many kids went for it.
And one of my co-workers would tell his group that there was a nest of vicious flying squirrels at the top of the high ropes course that would peck their eyes out. Our boss wasn't too pleased about that one.
Same guy also told a bunch of kids that we were married. I think the kids brought that one up, though.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
In my regular lunches with Lunch Buddy (which have been suspended until he works out whatever is making him weight-train like crazy and flirt with everything in a skirt), I had the permission/obligation/joy to feed him a load of crap once a month.
The first time, I convinced him that when you flush the toilets on an airplane, the reason they ask you to close the lid is because it opens a direct hole to the atmosphere outside the plane.
Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
quote:The sun sets in Arizona.
So, that's why it's so hot here! Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
So I don't need to turn on my windshield washers when I drive by the airport?
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
Oh, you have to, otherwise you might get hit by a ballistic icy B.M.
Ba dum dum.
[ March 03, 2004, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Chris Bridges ]
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
"Dad, what are speed limits?"
"That's the speed it's safe to drive at."
"How do they decide what speed that is?"
"They ask all the people who have crashed in the last year what speed they were going, and then they make it five miles per hour less than that."
"Why are speed limits lower in neighborhoods?"
"There's more people around, and it makes it easier to identify the bodies after you hit one."
"What's "per hour" mean?"
"That's how far you're allowed to drive in an hour. So if you're only going to be out for fifteen minutes you can drive a lot faster."
Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
quote: "That's how far you're allowed to drive in an hour. So if you're only going to be out for fifteen minutes you can drive a lot faster."
Ha, that's genius.
Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
My nineth grade science teacher convinced one of his freshman classes (a few years before I got there) that there were male and female helicopters. That's why there are different colors.
He managed to convince my class that we were going to get to go home early... because of snow... in September. He had another teacher call his room, then hang up. He stood there talking to no one going, "Really? No, you've got to be kidding... You're serious?... Wow!" Then he put on the weather channel and showed us a cold front moving down from Canada. We had a double period so during the break in between we ran around the halls telling our friends we were getting out early. Then one of the teachers found out and made him tell us the truth.
Posted by digging_holes (Member # 6237) on :
I can't remember if my Dad told me this or if I thought of it myself, but when I was a kid, I was convinced that every car was equipped with a nifty device called "jumps" that were for jumping over the other cars when stuck at a red light or in a traffic jam. Of course, I could never figure out why my Dad never turned the jumps on....
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
Along the same line of thought. When my cousin was younger he was making brownies with his mom and she asked him if he wanted to lick the bowl, because it was always her favorite thing to do when she baked with her mom. He looked at her kind of funny and then started to lick the OUTSIDE of the bowl. I guess if you've never done it before it could be confusing but it just goes to show you how much children trust mom and dad. Even if they make ridiculous comments or requests, kids will just go with it because "it must be right" or mom wouldn't have told me to do it.
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
I love Wednesdays! Chris, this is an awesome article. mack needs to read it. She's the worst about messing with kids' heads.
I lie to my son all of the time. It's fun. And a little sad. Because he is gullible. It's honestly won, though, because I am gullible, too. My husband messes with me all of the time, and he has a wicked poker face.
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
Great one CB.
I hope they play the Mortal Combat theme song before every presidential debate.
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
I was thinking the Star Trek combat music, as Kerry and Bush circle each other warily...
Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
I remember one time I asked my mom why black people talked differently from white people, and she said, "I guess it's because of their genes." I assumed she meant "jeans" because the black people in question were wearing ridiculously large jeans.
I remember another time I saw a handicapped boy and I asked what was wrong with him, and my mom said "He's just special." Well, teachers in school were always telling us how "special" we all were, each in our own different way, so I thought about this for a while, and then later I asked my mom, "Mommy, am I special?" And she told me I was the most special little boy in the whole wide world.
So I grew up with little to no expectations of myself.
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
My wife was in a grocery store checkout line with our oldest when he was around three or four. He was staring at the black lady in front of them, very intently.
Out of nowhere he asked, very loudly, "Why does that woman look like chocolate?"
Teres went pale and tried to think of how to answer before he said anything else, when he followed up with the very best thing he could have said.
"She looks pretty!"
The lady started laughing and she talked to him for the rest of the wait.
Posted by digging_holes (Member # 6237) on :
Along the same lines, but without the happy ending: When I was two or three years old (my mother tells this story whenever she gets a chance), I was waiting with my mom in line at a store, and there was a woman in front of us with long black hair and a headband. So I pointed excitedly and yelled at the top of my voice: LOOK, MOMMY! AN INDIAN!
It ended with a very dirty look from the woman in question.
Posted by Beth (Member # 6273) on :
Thank you Chris! It took me the longest time to realize that you wrote that article. I had just sent it to everyone I know, with tears squirting out of my eyes, explaining that this is my greatest fear about having children...that the temptations for mischief are just far too great for a weak soul like myself.
I love this board! What a way to be booted out of lurker status...with tears of laughter in my eyes. Beth
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
quote: Microwaves cook food by humming at it really loud.
Oh, Chris. You've outdone yourself!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote: "What's "per hour" mean?"
"That's how far you're allowed to drive in an hour. So if you're only going to be out for fifteen minutes you can drive a lot faster."
And then poor physics teachers have to try to talk them out of this notion years later . . . *sigh*
I had the best of both worlds. My dad came up with some real doozies (and being a physicist, knew enough tech-speak to make them sound almost believable to adults), but I soon learned that if I stared at him for a minute or two when he was telling me tall tales, he would soon crack a smile.
My dad should never play poker. Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
Microwaves cook food by humming at it really loud.
This also fits the definition of the better dad lie, because it encourages the child to expound on it and even try it himself. If you can get your kid to go hum at food to warm it up, you've made your goal.
The best version would be if you could manage to switch the food with hot food somehow as the kid was humming at it without being noticed, so the kid will go on to demonstrate for others and even go for years without realizing...
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
Hi Beth! I'm honored I could coax you out of your hole. Usually I have to use bits of biscuit...
Glad you decided to join in!
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
digging holes, perhaps while small you heard someone talking about jumper cables in the context of stuck cars?
I know a friend's father (who is a government scientist type) who convinced the assistant pastor at my parents church that the reason why the pastries on the aluminum tray were going faster than the ones on the plastic trays was because the aluminum in the trays helped leach out fat calories.
He bought it hook line and sinker. Came back 20 minutes later, going "were you pulling my leg?" We'd never seen Mr. Bart laugh so hard!
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
My parents had a friend who taught me to kick coke machines. You see he had already put money in, but did it before I was watching. He kicked it, then pushed the button and out it came. I was convinced that if I went around kicking coke machines one should fall out.
AJ
Posted by digging_holes (Member # 6237) on :
quote: digging holes, perhaps while small you heard someone talking about jumper cables in the context of stuck cars?
That may be it. I honestly can't recall where I got the notion. I just remember once, while we were in a hurry and stuck in a traffic jam, that i told my dad to turn his jumps on (i was confused that he had not thought of this obvious solution yet). He only replied, "Yeah, wouldn't that be great..."
Then it suddenly dawned on me that there were no jumps!
My world was crushed.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Chris, dude! I just read the whole thing aloud to David.
You so totally and completely rock. Posted by Jill (Member # 3376) on :
You parents are sadistic!
When I was three, I asked my mother, "Why is water wet?" Her answer: "Go ask your father."
My father tried to tell me that there were little balls in water called molecules, and because they moved around so fast they created the sensation of wetness. I can only imagine how confused I was.
Maybe it would have been better if he had made up some easy answer...
Edited for typos... stupid laptop.
[ March 04, 2004, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: Jill ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:"Mom! Did you buy me from gypsies for $3 and a live chicken?"
"Of course not, dear," my wife said soothingly. "You know I don't pay retail. I had a coupon."
This had me rolling. You and Teres are a perfect pair.
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
I think I posted this before but I'll do it again because it's so funny.
While babysitting a five-year-old I took him to Krystal's. There was a very large woman in front of us. While waiting to order, her pager went off, and the boy yelled, "Look out, Maureen! She's backing up!"
Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
Once when I was babysitting my little sister (3 years old) she wouldn't eat the yolk of the hard boiled egg, so I told her that if she never eats egg yolks she'll never grow bigger, and be able to carry the kitties. (I have a HUGE cat and my little sister loves to hold cats, but he's way to big for her.)
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I once told a child that our government has our best interests at heart. I figured...eh, let him find out on his own...you know?
anyway, Chris, this was one I sent to all the parents I know. They all loved it and made sure to mention it to me. Quite a success.
One added story from one of the guys who read it. Seems his wife believes that there are animals called Synthetics because her father used to hunt them when she was a little girl. He told her to tell her teacher about it and everything!
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