I just called my husband to ask him a question. He answered, a kind of flat, business hello. Then he heard my voice, and his tone immediately changed. It was a delight to him to hear my voice!
This is not unusual.
Still, every once in a while it is noticed and the whole miracle of living sings in my mind.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Yes, I love this too. Congratulations, Amka!
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
I love it that I can challenge my husband to check his assumptions, scream at him in frustration, shake and cry when I'm vulnerable, and still wake up next to him in the morning. It's good to have someone who believes in you and tolerates you even when you are not at your best. And still wants to make love to you when you're done throwing a hissy fit.
I like to hold hands with my hubby.
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
Ah, yes. What a tremendous blessing it is, Andrea. I know just what you mean.
*dreamy sigh*
Posted by msquared (Member # 4484) on :
My wife's birthday was yesterday. I took her and the youngest out to dinner. Afterwards he and she went to the library while I went home. When she got back there was a treasure hunt through the house for her presents. There were a total of 5 and she had a great time.
msquared
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Yeah, we're all that, aren't we? Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
My favorite thing about being married is that I get to see my hubby act silly in ways that no one else in the world has ever seen, and no one ever will see, besides me. Things that are so funny and it's actually kind of bumming me out that I can't list them right here. Everytime he does something like that, it makes me say, "It's so frustrating that I'll never be able to tell anyone you did that!"
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
Well, you CAN... but I'm sure it wouldn't be quite the same.
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
*loves her husband very much*
Being married is a good thing Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
Not to mention that if he found out, he'd be too mortified to ever meet y'all.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Yeah, I'm partial to it, too. *grin*
It's considerably easier when you're married to the most wonderful woman in the world, though; I don't know how those other saps manage. Posted by msquared (Member # 4484) on :
Oh come on and stop acting like a couple of newlyweds. Still holding hands, making kissing noises at each other when in the same room, kissing each other before one of you leaves the house.
Oh, wait. My wife and I do that.
Nevermind.
msquared
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
I'll join you moony-eyed suckers for marriage. Being married is great! I highly recommend it.
Posted by John L (Member # 6005) on :
...
Posted by msquared (Member # 4484) on :
John
Eloquent as usual.
msquared
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
Just to give you an "awwww" moment...
For this year's Valentine's Day we agreed not to spend much, we've got car repair bills coming up. She bought me the "Queer Eye" book and some candy. I got her the soundtrack to the movie "Chocolat" (everyone should get chocolat for Valentine's Day), and then I cheated.
To understand this you have to know that my wife gets breakfast at Chik-Fil-A several times a week, including Saturday morning when we buy for the family. Our schedules are too varied for a family meal, and we make up for it with a big home-cooked one on Sundays. But anyway... Everyone there knows us, so it was a good spot for my plan. On the way home a few nights before V-Day I stopped and bought supplies and stashed them in my trunk. Then on Saturday I got her up early so we could eat there together and then bring back food for the kids, who were still asleep.
She headed for the line and I went back to the car, supposedly to get her present. I managed to sneak back in with my picnic basket without being seen and I set up as follows: white tablecloth, wine glasses, white china, cloth napkins, silverware, flowers, box of mixed chocolates, present (no candles, I didn't think management would let me set anything on fire). When she came up behind me with the food I took it fom her bemused hands and transferred it to the plates and glasses, and we dined.
Within ten minutes every employee had found an excuse to come around and see what we were doing, and most of the male customers were giving me dirty looks for setting the bar too high so early in the day. But Teres is much more of a breakfast person than a dinner person, and this was more fun anyway. Total cost: about $20 since I bought the basket and two new (cheap) wine glasses. Close to no effort, but lots of fun and it set the playful, romantic tone for the rest of the day.
We also made sure that all of the ladies working there that morning got one of the chocolates. Everyone should get something on V-Day...
I love marriage. I just hope TomD can cope with having the second-most wonderful woman in the world (sorry, Christy )
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
*loves being married to Ross* Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
I can't believe I will be married in a few weeks. Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
Come, join us, Anna! It only gets better...
One of us, one of us...
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Hatrack = grandmother
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
quote:My wife's birthday was yesterday.
That's funny, it was my husband's birthday yesterday.
Last night I dreamed I was in a coma for six months, and I was so happy to see him when I woke up.
Posted by UofUlawguy (Member # 5492) on :
Hey, msquared! My wife's birthday was yesterday, too!
Unfortunately, she has severe morning sickness and other early pregnancy symptoms, so we were unable to go out to dinner. I did come home early so I could fix her something to eat and get the kids their dinner, too. Then I had the kids help me wrap presents, and they each got to give her one, as did I. She couldn't handle cake, so I put a little candle in her ice cream and we sang Happy Birthday. The two-year-old kept singing it the rest of the night, even after he was put to bed.
I'm taking her shopping for sandals and maternity shirts this weekend, to top off her gifts. Then, as soon as her nausea has mostly subsided (in a couple weeks, hopefully) we will go out and celebrate right.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Last night I bought my wife Norah Jones's CD Come Away With Me at Wal-Mart while I was picking up diapers. I called it a late anniversary present, but I really just wanted to surprise her with a little gift. I thought she'd like the music. She doesn't have nearly enough good music to listen to.
Today my wife came and got me at work, and we took the kids to the park. It's good to see her halfway through the day (and play with the kids as well). Bonus kisses.
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
afr, I agree! Lunches with Tom always really cheer me up. You're so much more at your best during the middle of the day than when you come home from work. Its refreshing. Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
*makes note*
Posted by Vána (Member # 3262) on :
I love, love, love being married! My husband is so good to me. Posted by aka (Member # 139) on :
<smiles>
<thinks this is a cool thread>
Posted by Ghost of Xavier (Member # 2852) on :
Was just telling Val the same thing aka .
Nice to hear the good stories. Far too many bad ones nowadays.
Posted by Zevlag (Member # 1405) on :
I agree with the two of you on that. This ia a good thread.
Posted by Valentine014 (Member # 5981) on :
Wow, you Hatrackers sure seem to be romantic, maybe I should marry one of you.
[ March 13, 2004, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: Valentine014 ]
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Well, let me tell you about MY husband...
Oh, wait... Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
Last night in bed, I turned to my husband and said "You really do know me, don't you?" He said, "After 13 years or so, I should"
The reason this came up is that I had been feeling bad, congestion, headache, etc. I couldn't sleep, so I was reading.
He wanted me to turn out the light and go to sleep, but didn't want to ask me to do that, so he proceeded to give me a back rub and snuggle with me until I was so relaxed, I stopped noticing the headache, so I turned off the light and just lay there in his arms, talking until we both fell asleep.
Our first few nights together, we pretty much stayed up all night talking, about how thrilled we were to be together, about everything. Thirteen years later, I still love just lying there with him and talking to him.
Posted by Sachiko (Member # 6139) on :
I love my Ross.
My parents were visiting recently and jsut left on Tuesday. My DH was helping me make dinner (and graciously tolerating my perfectionism and micro-management) and joking with me.
My mom watched us and told me afterwards, perplexed, that she hadn't understood a single word of what we'd said to each other.
I guess in the past five years we've developed an increasingly impentrable shorthand of in-jokes and idiosyncratic vocabulary. We're like each other's childhood invisible friend, our brains are so melded sometimes.
Also: last month Ross was searching under the bed for his combat boots that he'd kicked under there the night before. Much to his dismay, the Shoe Fairy had stolen them and mischeviously placed them in his closet!
He found me in the living room and said with a note of awe, "Do you clean like that all the time?"
Ah, sweet appreciation.
Posted by Pixie (Member # 4043) on :
"Wow, you Hatrackers sure seem to be romantic, maybe I should marry one of you."
Sounds like a good idea to me, too.
Paul and I aren't married yet but still... Isn't it great how it's just the little things that seem the greatest?
The other night, for example, I was really groggy and fell asleep on the couch while Paul and I were cuddling and watching a movie. We'd kind of made a mess earlier with all the snacks we'd been sneaking up to the TV-area and Paul just got up and took all the plates and glasses downstairs and washed them up a bit. Then he scooped me up, carried me to my room, tucked me under the covers, gave me a quick kiss, and tip-toed out. It may not seem like much but I definitely fell asleep smiling.
Also, random text-messages when I get out of school are the greatest. Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
This is so cute!
everybody now: "awwwwww!"
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
*likes being married, too* Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
And, for the record, Amka is COOL.
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
Amka is VERY cool. Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
I loved being married to Jenni, and we get along better than most people....even better than most married people.
Jenni's birthday was yesterday, and we went.....
Wait.....I can't tell you.....I promised I would let her post it....
It's even better to be married to someone who loves Hatrack!
Even though it obviously creates a whole set of other problems....
I know her so well that I will bet that she reads this thread, even though I don't tell her I posted in it....
Kwea
Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
This thread has me firmly convinced that if there's someone in the world who'd enjoy being married to me, we're going to meet through Hatrack. Posted by Lissande (Member # 350) on :
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
Sachiko - I love multi-level married language!
We were at a bookstore with a mutual (single) friend. At one point all three of us were on the same aisle, me and Teres at opposite ends, our friend in the middle. Teres pulled out a book on Celtic clip art and motioned with it to get my attention. I smiled and said "Alynia?" She smiled back and replaced the book.
Our friend stared at both of us and said, "What the heck was that?"
It took me a minute to understand there was a problem, but finally I laughed. "Let's see. Teres was asking if I thought that would be a book Alynia would be interested in because she likes Celtic knotwork. I agreed she would but that we shouldn't just buy it, we'd just tell her about it and see if she wanted to get it. She agreed with me. Wasn't that what you heard?"
We tried to assure her it was a freakish alien telepathic thing. She stayed depressed. You just can't communicate with some people...
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Freakish mindmelded marriage shorthand language is the best.
All I have to do is say, "Poland," "Go away ... bee," "On my planet," or just wave my hand in the air (in one of two different patterns, one of which is accompanied by a lift of the eyebrows) to get my husband roaring.
[ March 14, 2004, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: ClaudiaTherese ]
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
Mmm. I love being married.
Posted by aka (Member # 139) on :
Oh, y'all are just taunting us now. Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
quote:Freakish mindmelded marriage shorthand language is the best.
That nearly made me pee my pants and everything in this thread is so true. I do not spend nearly enough time with my wife since we both work full time and I have been working 6 days a week for months.
But through it all, yes she believes in me and I believe in her. However, recent events have brought out the worst in us. Sad and frightening it is too see how intimate closeness can lull us into being mean and cruel to each other. I sometimes fear that our mutual ability to get so frustrated with each other will end in irreparable damage, but I pray that it does not.
In other words, marriage has brought out the best and worst of me, but I believe love conquers all!
[ March 14, 2004, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: Alucard... ]
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
So my question is...how do you learn how to SHARE?
As in...space in the house. time to yourself. bed space (I can't sleep when I'm hot and another person too close creates body heat o_O)...stuff like that.
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
(((((Alucard)))))
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Don't worry Anna, being married is still Good, and I cannot imagine being without my wife for even one day. However, in a nutshell, I am the eternal optimist and she is the eternal pessimist. Somewhere, as mack eluded to, we have to learn to share and coexist. I have this bad habit of throwing a fit and standing my ground when my wife is behaving badly. I suppose I could let her walk all over me, but I have a hard time doing so. Maybe it is pride, but in her defense, I too am far from perfect. We both have the extraordinary abilities to make each other miserable and point out each others' faults.
I often encourage us to hit our internal "reset buttons" to sort of brush the current topic under the table...
We will be fine, I think!
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
Mack, my hubby and I have considered separate beds for the reasons you listed! It wouldn't make any difference, really, except that we'd probably sleep better.
The sharing bit comes because it's so much nicer to share and squabble than to always have everything to yourself. You have somebody to tell your day to, and somebody to hold you when you need a good cry. You also have somebody to help you get tired so that you'll sleep regardless of temperature! Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
Mack, that's something that just (hopefully) works itself out with time. Each person has to be willing to give some ground to the other person and you soon find out where each other's absolute sticking points are.
As for the time to yourself, that also is difficult, but can be done. You plan time to do things together as well as time to do things apart, it seems to work out well unless one or the other of you is clingier. Then you have to work something out to be sure each of you is fulfilled.
Tom and I tend to be very clingy, but its so wonderful when we've been someplace different or done different things and we can come back together and have something to share. We fall into that easy telepathic mindset very quickly and are energized when out with other people or after having been apart for a bit just because its so wonderful to talk with each other in that way. Its actually funny to watch ourselves because we play off of each other for response and it really is a gratifying experience.
On a sappier note...Tom bought me a sheepskin today after visiting a lambing at a local farm with CT. They tucked me in for a nap and Tom was still feeling refreshed and so he went out shopping. He just called right now to remind me that he loved me because he knew that I would miss him while he was away.
*is feeling very warm and happy*
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
quote:As in...space in the house. time to yourself. bed space (I can't sleep when I'm hot and another person too close creates body heat o_O)...stuff like that.
Space in the house isn't too tough. Both of you should have a desk, or a favorite chair, or someplace that's known to be "yours." Mine's the computer desk, she has an art center set up where we converted a walk-in closet (of course now we don't have any closet space in our bedroom, but it's worth it).
Time to yourself is trickier, but possible if you ask for it. I let Teres know ahead of time if possible when I'll need a couple hours or more to myself for a project or just plain me-time, but I make sure that I spend as much time as I can with her so she doesn't feel slighted. And she does the same with me, letting me know when she'll need some time and warning me in advance of anything that might cut into either of our schedules. We both handle some of the chores at different times so the other can get a break (the person that cooked doesn't have to clean up, that sort of thing). You just have to find what works for you, but the essence is communication. It works the other way around, too. There are few things more pleasing to hear from your lover than, "I'd really like to spend tomorrow with you. You busy?"
Sharing a bed can be tough. My temperature is fairly constant, just a few degrees more than she's comfortable with, so we separate when it's time to sleep. There's a floor fan aimed at her side of the bed, and we have a common blanket and another for when she wants her feet covered. Now the snoring, that's another story...
[ March 14, 2004, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: Chris Bridges ]
Posted by JenniK (Member # 3939) on :
I have to say sleeping (yes, actually being asleep) is rather difficult. Kwea is very warm and can sleep through the coldest of winter without anything other than a sheet and light blanket. I, on the other hand, am perpetually cold. The best Christmas gift I got (well, alright the 2nd best Christmas gift I ever got..after the engagement ring) was an electric blanket! No joke,Kwea gave it to me a couple hours before he proposed. His family thought that he was nuts to give that to me as a gift when he was going to propose. I loved it! (that and the socks, but that's an altogether different fettish, oops, I mean kettle of fish!) Kwea calls me a "heat leech", and although I protest vehemently, I must agree that I always get closer to him because he is so warm. That is how he gets cold and why he needs the light blanket at all. Needless to say, I love Kwea and the best day of my life was October 18th, 2003. It only gets better from here. Posted by keedokes (Member # 6301) on :
on the topic of relationship shorthand:
red england
Posted by Valentine014 (Member # 5981) on :
Has anyone here ever had to live apart from their mate for long periods of time? How did that work for you? Is the old saying true? "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Or lonelier? Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
We lived in different countries for our first year of marriage, and much of our courtship was spent cross-continentally as well (although we did spend months together here and there).
The biggest things: 1) Every goodbye got harder and harder, just when I thought it was unbearable. 2) I never, ever have taken him for granted. Posted by unicornwhisperer (Member # 294) on :
Marlozahn.
Marriage is wonderful Posted by knightswhosayni! (Member # 4096) on :
::considers beating ken with his own sword::
Ni!
Posted by Tzadik (Member # 5825) on :
Can't wait to be married to lissande, just can't wait. Is it August yet?
Being engaged is nice, but prospect of being married - that's something I long for
OK, ok - the near future, like August, is something I long for. The knowledge of eventually being married before long is exciting
[ March 15, 2004, 04:30 AM: Message edited by: Tzadik ]
Posted by Lissande (Member # 350) on :
You already have the prospect of being married. *duck, run away*
edit: oh sure, edit your post to make me look crazy. how well you fit in *grin*
[ March 15, 2004, 04:44 AM: Message edited by: Lissande ]
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
By the way, today marks our 18th wedding anniversary.
And yes, we chose the Ides of March on purpose We wanted to get married on the same day we considered the beginning of our relationship, March 17, but it didn't work out, so this was the next best date.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Congrats, Chris! Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
One of the best investments we ever made was our extra-long king-size bed. Neither of us likes to sleep snuggled together, but we like to share the bed.
Once, we stayed in a hotel room that had two queen size beds. Naturally we both got into the same bed, but about halfway through the night I snuck over to the other bed. We were just too close together.
Speaking of sharing a language?my wife and I are absolute whizzes at Pictionary. I don't think we've ever lost a game when we've played as a team. Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
Not to be a party pooper but, this thread is depressing Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I agree, beatnix. On one hand, we don't have to read it. On the other hand, there's more than a little smugness and competition mixed in with the classy stories.
[ March 15, 2004, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Really?
I hadn't gotten that at all from this thread. Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Mack: Okay. *explains* Someone else said the same thing last night.
[ March 15, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
You get big one-upsmanship points when you can show how romantic you are. At least for guys.
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
I like to snuggle at night, but my wife is like a furnace. I can only do it for a while before I can't take it anymore. Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
It's just more shades of Bennifer. It also makes the people you're torturing for your own benefit feel, well, tortured for your benefit. Not impressive.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
We were apart for about 4 weeks waiting for my first baby to be born. And then when I was pregnant the second time my husband thought about moving 700 miles away. But I didn't want to go. So he sort of commuted, and we didn't see each other much. I've taken 4 or 5 vacations without him. But it's mostly because he's sort of married to his work.
I think it did help me take him less for granted. For a while, anyway. Then I did again for a few years. Now I'm back to appreciating him again.
Posted by Ghost of Xavier (Member # 2852) on :
Wait, who is getting tortured?
I certainly don't feel like that. I feel tortured reading about the couples who hate eachother, fight all the time, throw dishes, and can't stand the other's touch much less want to have sex with them.
If you'd rather read them there are far more of those stories floating around.
These ones give me hope that my own future marriage will be equally happy and rewarding.
I can see how you would not like them if you are never planning on getting married yourself, but even then, I don't see how hearing other's happiness can hurt you at all.
And if you are planning on getting married but just haven't found the right person, then I would still take hope from this. You are still in your early to late 20's right? Where I was (New York), and even where I am now (California), you'd still be considered young to be even thinking about marriage. And who knows, you may meet the man of your dreams on hatrack .
But I will delete this if its me being too nosy. I just don't see why this makes you upset. I guess after meeting you I suddenly assume I can ask personal stuff. Correct me if I am wrong ?
[ March 15, 2004, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: Ghost of Xavier ]
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
kat, that last was spoken tongue in cheek. I should have put a smilie on it. I personally don't mean to torture anyone, especially for my benefit.
That being said...
Why snuggling all night is uncomfortable:
1. Way too warm. 2. We always end up breathing the same oxygen. 3. Anytime either of us budges, we both wake up. And we both tend to toss and turn in our sleep. I absolutely cannot sleep in the same position all night.
Intimacy doesn't have much to do with it. It's a pure practicality issue. Yeah, we cuddle, we exchange backrubs, you know...but getting enough sleep is a serious issue that we do not mess with.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
No Xav, that's fine. You beat me at air hockey and we were collectively puzzled by children's toys. You can officially ask me anything.
It isn't me. I'm not even bothered - it's some sort of protective instinct kicking in, I think. I know it was bothering some other people, but then, just not reading the thread is a good option. Sort of like it's hard for people who are trying to get pregnant or who just lost a child to hear about someone having their baby. Honest happiness is great and understandable, but the smug kind is too much to ask for people to listen to.
I do have to admit that oneupsmanship of any kind sort of annoys me, although I recognize that it's human. For the other current example, see the Nerdity Test thread. But I'm thinking about giving up on this particular fight against human nature.
Added: Xav, you're a doll. And afr, gotcha. I understand.
[ March 15, 2004, 11:43 AM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by Ghost of Xavier (Member # 2852) on :
quote: Has anyone here ever had to live apart from their mate for long periods of time? How did that work for you?
And I'm curious about this one myself...
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Christy and I had a long distance relationship for the first year, of course, and then had to recently spend three months apart when I moved up to Madison for my new job and she had to stay behind in Champaign-Urbana to finish selling the house; it was NOT fun, but we managed.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Being Married Good is Lucky (don't have a link though)
Posted by Amka (Member # 690) on :
My husband and I both like to snuggle but then have our 'Okay, need my space' limit. We prefer flinging our limbs across the bed. When we go to sleep we often have one tiny bit touching - a foot or something. That doesn't last long because of the tossing and turning.
I haven't read smugness in here. I read a bunch of happy married people, and I'm glad my little shout of joy started that.
As to me being cool:
*rubs hands together*
My plans of hatrack domination are coming to fruition. Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Oh, Amka--
Just Hatrack?
You need to think bigger.
:tunes the Implaccable Engine of Ultimate Destruction:
'Course, it's not like there's going to be much left to dominate over. . .
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
<-- likes this thread Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
I haven't noticed too much competition or smugness here, just people who are happy and want to share their happiness with others.
When I was getting married, all of my friends were happy for me, but almost all of them had questions or worries about married life, even the ones that were married themselves. I got so sick of hearing all the little jokes and comments that I was relieved to find this thread. I thought I was one of the olny happy married people around! I know that I haven' been married all that long, but for God's sake I waited until I was sure. I was 33 years old, not 18 or 20, and I knew that people change; the trick is to grow together instead of apart.
So I am very happy to hear that we aren't alone, and that there is hope for many more years to come. We waited until we were more certain of who we were to get married, and that makes us more grounded than a younger couple. Not that it can't work out if you are younger, just that you have that much more growing to do individually that it is harder, that's all.
Kwea
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I find this thread intriguing in a way because it basically vindicates to me that aside from religious issues and social acceptability, there is no reason why I should get married, other than for all of the legal perks. Unmarried.org which verbatim found so funny actually is quite useful and has has a lot of suggestions about legal issues for both same sex and opposite sex couples.
I'm in an extremely happy non-married relationship and could say exactly the same things as most of the married folks in this thread are saying without the nightmare hassle of a wedding. (and I have yet to see a wedding where the participants aren't stressed out and miserable while pretending to be happy)
So I just don't see the point, I really don't think being in a secure happy relationship is dependent on actually being married. As said before, there are a lot of miserable marriages out there too.
AJ
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
"I have yet to see a wedding where the participants aren't stressed out and miserable while pretending to be happy...."
Actually, our wedding went fantastically well, with almost no hassle, and we were glad to have it.
Frankly, if the only reason you and Steve aren't getting married is because you're afraid of a large wedding, I think you should just ask some of us Hatrackers to organize one for you.
The big deal about being married isn't that you're somehow magically more attached to your spouse; it's that you've publicly declared that you are now officially attached to your spouse, and have put up legal barriers to make it harder to detach. It's a symbolic step.
If you don't feel that you're interested in that symbolism, and don't particularly care what the rest of society thinks of your relationship, there's no point in the marriage -- but I think you'd probably enjoy it, if you took the leap.
[ March 16, 2004, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]
Posted by Vána (Member # 3262) on :
I wasn't stressed out or miserable for my wedding!
A little bit stressed during the planning period, but really not too much. Things worked out really well for us, and it was a pretty easy process. And, the end result was so worth what stress there was, for me, anyway.
But then, I love having my family and friends all together, and it was great to have them there to celebrate with us.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that not everyone has nightmare wedding experiences.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
lol, there are other reasons too, but for all of my close friends that have gotten married the above has pretty much held true.
I don't know, as time goes on I'm seeing fewer and fewer reasons to actually get married. Our relationship has already lasted longer than many marriages. Maybe that is why the statistics are the way they are the longer you are together the less you view marriage as necessary, if your relationship is totally secure to begin with.
At this point, all being married would mean is that we'd have to evaluate our health benefits and see if it would be cheaper to put me on his plan (which I doubt because our benefits are really similar) I can already put him on my plan if we want to. I don't think getting married would actually add any more levels of commitment or meaning to our relationship.
On the other hand having hatrackers plan the wedding would remove quite a bit of hassle <grin>. The hassle within my family itself unfortunately can't be resolved easily though. As far as they go, it is easier for them to deal with the "hurt" othat they feel by us being unmarried, than it would be for them to deal with the fact that I actually don't want them anywhere near my wedding should I get married.
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I'm glad people actually do have happy weddings. My best friend is getting married in July. I'm the maid of honor, and I'm going to do my best so that she doesn't get stressed out, but the distance between us makes it a lot more difficult.
AJ
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
I was stressed at first, and everything didn't go right - in fact we had food for 300 and only about 60 people showed up. Freak of scheduling, and the phone rang off the hook with regrets.
But, the most important people were there - my family, his family, and our closest friends. Once I started down the aisle, all the stress melted away.
We have such fond memories of our ceremony, we can still bring up things that happened that day and laugh about them.
As for the one-upmanship and the smugness? WTH? I don't see anyone doing that, I see us sharing stories and information about things that make us happy with each other.
It's not as if people are saying "Oh, well that does sound nice, but let me tell you why MY marriage is better than yours." I haven't seen any post that makes me think it was written in that spirit.
Frankly, I think it was a lovely thread with some nice stories that made me smile and feel like I knew my fellow jatraqueros a little better, until you started dragging up this smugness and oneupmanship business, kat.
If you don't want to read stories about people who are happily married, then please stay out of the thread, okay guys? No one was posting to make single people feel bad. Don't turn the tables and try to make the people who posted about how much they love married life feel bad now.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Nice hijack, BannaOj Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
The most important thing is to make it the wedding you want: give in a little bit to family and friends, but stand your ground on most issues. We had a wedding of about 100 people with fru-fru, but not very expensive petite sandwiches and bbq (chicken?) because Tom's dad wanted something manly. It was a great family gathering. No pressure at all. The planning wasn't even too stressful for me because I like that kind of stuff. Of course there was the few minutes when my flowers were lost, but even that didn't put much of a damper on the day.
The funny thing is that we didn't really expect to feel different either after being married, but in a way we are. Mostly because of the way others treat you when you're married. As far as the personal commitment, we felt that we had already made it to each other, but now were allowing our families to share in our commitment.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
It didn't come from me. I'm just the one who said it out loud.
I do still think the simple solution is to not read the thread if it bothers you.
[ March 16, 2004, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
I think this is a beautiful thread. I'll continue in my happy bliss, but I am sorry to those who felt threatened. It was not the intention to be hurtful.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Christy, at least you trust your family to be civil. <grin> I don't, for obvious reasons, of which at least half a dozen are posted here at hatrack.
As far as standing my ground on trivial wedding things, I know exactly what sort of battering I would take, since everyone in my family thinks their ideas are the best and how dare I have an opinion of my own on how it should be. It is exhausting just thinking about it, and I've gone through hell before on much lesser issues.
Steve's family would be totally cool. But I can't in good conscience invite them and leave my family totally out either.
It gives me the vapors if I think about it too much. <grin>
AJ
(but it also bugs me because I can't work out an answer to the problem either. It probably comes down to knowing that I can't change people in my family's behavior, but I wish it were otherwise, and when thinking about wedding scenarios all I can see it doing is bringing out the worst in all of them)
[ March 16, 2004, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I didn't mean to hijack. The thing is that I can totally identify with most of the "married person" comments, though I don't have anything specifically cutesy to relate at the moment.
AJ
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote: It was not the intention to be hurtful.
I completely believe you, Christy. I think that little bit of sensitivity was all that was needed. It's very good.
I'm serious, though - this doesn't bother me. That's actually why I felt free to say something. It's just in our community...*thinks* it's like all events happen in the same town square, and sometimes it's hard to have a wedding and a funeral share the stage. Like a shoutout to the troops overseas at the beginning of the Oscars, some statements that aknowledge that not all marriages, even of Hatrackers, are as happy as reported in this thread, are very appreciated.
Anyway, this is taking up much more of the thread than I intended. Carry on.
[ March 16, 2004, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Our wedding day was long and tiring, but very happy. My wife to be and I drove from Orem up to the Salt Lake temple at about 6:30 am on Friday, March 3, 2000, hoping that the traffic wouldn't be too bad. We sat in the temple annex lobby for a while, waiting for friends and family to show up. My good friend Rob and Katie's good friend Lisa arrived a while after we did. We managed to get them to drive together because we were trying to set them up (it didn't work). Katie's family showed up next, and then we went back into the temple to get ready.
Before we could go into the sealing room, we waited together for a while in the temple's Celestial Room, which is a very beautiful place. As I sat next to Katie I thought about how amazing it was to be getting married to her and what an important moment this was in our lives.
Finally we were called into the sealing room, where family members and some close friends were waiting. My family, running behind as usual, had only arrived 5 minutes before. I was glad they had made it. We sat down between our moms in the quiet room. The man performing the ceremony (he was the temple president) began with some good advice on a happy and fulfilling marriage. Then came the marriage ceremony itself, which is simple and beautiful. I will never forget the moment we were pronounced husband and wife.
After the ceremony we took a few minutes to present our rings to each other. That was the first time I had worn mine (although I tried it on for a moment at the jewelry store) and it felt strange and heavy on my finger. I looked at it a lot on our way back down to the changing rooms. I would stare at it every few minutes as I was putting on my tux. I rubbed it with my thumb as sat in the foyer and waited for Katie to arrive in her wedding dress.
We then went outside to the temple grounds where all of our families and friends were waiting. Following was about 2 hours of picture taking, and that was perhaps the most exhausting part of the day. I immediately recognized the difference in how the two events felt. Inside the temple in the sealing room was perfectly calm, simple, and peaceful; outside, taking picture after picture, was pomp and circumstance filled with hustle and bustle. Finally, the photographer finished his 80 exposures and bid us a good day (he really was very nice and helpful). At last, we sat down to our wedding luncheon in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building.
Those were our first few hours being married, and it was still sinking in, I was just getting more and more amazed at the profundity of the event. We could have run off together in my car as soon as the ceremony was complete, and we would have been just as married. But we wanted to share part of the moment with our loved ones.
Finally, we were able to change out of our formal attire. I walked down from the mezzanine to the lobby of the JSMB in slacks and a tie, and stopped for a moment to admire my wife(!) sitting in one of the plush chairs and waiting for me. She was wearing a new dress that she had bought for just this occasion, and looked wonderful. I walked over to her and it was like meeting her for the first time again. My wife!
After that, we were on our own. We said goodbye to family and friends and flew down to Vegas, rented a car, and drove to Mesquite where we would spend our honeymoon. That was the second half of what was a long and eventful day, and full of its own adventures (like getting lost in Vegas). As fun and peaceful as the next week was, however, nothing could compare with that moment in the temple when we were married.
I wrote this partly to describe our wedding day, and partly to get my brain going because I have lots of other writing that I need to get done. I hope you enjoyed it. Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
When Matt and I married, there was absolutely NO stress. We actually arranged everything a week in advance. His parents were in attendance and were our witnesses and I carried a simple bouquet. We were married in the annex building of the church by an old friend of the family. Weddings don't have to be stressful...or huge. (My parents couldn't come...for a lot of different reasons.)
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
Awww... too cute!
I love all the love!
Question for you guys... how old are you all? I'm 27 as a starter.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Check out the Older thread, Tel Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
Very nice, afr. Posted by UofUlawguy (Member # 5492) on :
Anyone who had their wedding luncheon at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building is obviously a snob. Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
What are you calling my wife's parents?!
I have to admit it was a pretty good lunch.
Edit: And thanks, Belle!
[ March 16, 2004, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
My wife and I still occasionally look at the other and tap him/her on the shoulder and whisper "pssst....we're married!"; I don't know why we find it so funny, but we do.
Kwea Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
This thread is ridiculously awesome. I hear so many stories all the time about how miserable people are after they're married, but you people give me hope for the world. Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
*green with envy*
I made a stupid remark to a friend of mine once when he challenged me about why I hadn't settled down yet. I said "I haven't seen to many marriages that make me want to dive in." It was a bald lie. No, it was a semi-fuzzy lie. Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
I also love being married, mostly. Sometimes I wish that I were single, and child-free, so I could just pick up and go somewhere without having to make arrangements. But the moment passes and I hug somebody in the house to remind myself of how lucky I am.
Chuck (DH) is my rock. He knows all of the things that I don't know (car stuff, hooking up the television, stuff like that), and I help him spell in his important memos (Army forms don't seem to come with spellcheck, oddly). He is as stable (emotionally) as I am moody, so we balance each other. We are partners, not just lovers, and I like that best of all.
I can't stand sleeping right next to him, because of the sharing oxygen thing. He thinks I'm crazy, so I'm glad to see it validated in this thread. *grin*
I don't understand him a lot of the time, because he is a very quiet man. That makes it hard for me, because I am not shy about sharing my feelings. I am learning how to gauge him, though.
We were apart for over 6 months once, when he was stationed in Kosrae. It was hard, but the hardest part was when he came home, and I had to readjust my schedule/cooking habits/etc to having him back in the house. Plus, sharing the bed all over again was weird. Not bad, just weird. And how to act around him was an awkward thing. I wanted him to know that I was happy that he was home, but I also didn't want to overwhelm him. I also didn't want him to think I was going to cater to his every need just because he was back. Chuck has a bad habit of becoming a chauvinist if he's not reminded that it's a Brave New Millenium. *sigh* He's not a bad man, just a man who was brought up learning 'traditional' male/female roles.
Our wedding was simple, mostly because I'm not very girly about those sorts of things, and also because Chuck's mom had passed away just a month before. We got married in his mom's church, decorated (by the wedding party) with daisies and ivy. I had a beautiful princessy dress (okay, I'm a LITTLE girly ) I bought at an outlet, that Chuck's mom had helped me pick out. My Dad sprang for a reception at the local country club that included catering and everything for a very reasonable price. We didn't have a honeymoon, and never missed having one. We went home after the Big Party and fell asleep. It was exhausting, but not nerve-wracking in any way. Of course, I am lucky to have very civil relatives (on Chuck's side as well) who just enjoyed Our Day with us.
AJ, I understand about not wanting/needing to get married, and I support your choice. Sometimes I joke that the only reason Chuck and I got married was for the Big Party. *smile* Marriage, of course, made our lives easier when it came to the military, but it's not for everyone.
I also love this thread. I love to read other people's happy stories of their weddings and marriages.
Just to make it justifiably ornery: My marriage is better than yours! j/k
Posted by aka (Member # 139) on :
I love this thread. I love hearing these stories.
See, when I fall in love, I just stay in love. I have to work hard at it for years to quit loving someone who has left or decided they don't love me or something. So I can totally imagine falling in love and just continuing to get deeper and deeper in love as the years go by. I think that would be so cool! I sort of boggle at how anyone could be married and be unhappy. I guess I can see it. I mean I certainly understand when people tell me about the things that make them unhappy. But I just know I will be in complete bliss for the rest of my life if I ever get married. <laughs> Maybe that's crazy and naive, but I bet I am, you watch.
So I'm glad that it sounds like I'm not the only one.
Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
Dude, ak, I'm exactly the same way.
*has had a little-boy crush on ak since discovering Hatrack*
WHY are you not my age? *laugh*
Edit: by the by, ignore how creepy/inadvertantly rude that comment was, and concentrate on the clutzy-sweetness of it all.
[ March 17, 2004, 01:18 AM: Message edited by: Zotto! ]
Posted by aka (Member # 139) on :
<Has a little girl crush on Zotto>
Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote: I have never seen participants pretending to be happy, if they aren't happy for such an union I am pretty sure they would voice their reasons or they won't participate
You'd think, huh?
There are stories of all kinds concerning weddings, and that includes temple sealings. I know a few that do exactly - there's a lot of pressure to get married, and there's the canard that any two people can be happy. Any percentages would be pure guessing on both our parts, but there are sometimes very bad reasons to do a very good thing. That includes getting married.
Edit: spelling
[ March 17, 2004, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I believe you've never encountered anyone in your experience. But there are things beyond your experience, and I have.
I said I wasn't LDS?
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Verbatim I posted my original post Precisely because of your "declaration on the familiy" You still don't seem to realize that there are lots of non-LDS folks here, and that we don't think exactly like you do.
Oh, and Kat
AJ
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Ten bucks says Verbatim's not LDS, guys.
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
Yeah, well 10 bucks says you *are* Tom, you're just too scared to admit it to yourself.
Embrace the church Tom. Embrace it!
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*laugh* Okay, now I agree with Tom. No one is that much of an idiot.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
If you send me ten bucks, I'll pretend to be Mormon all you want.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I did not disagree with the people who posted that said they were happy. I'm glad they are happy. My original post said that I was just as happy as they were, while in my unmarried state and since in my relationship I appear to be just as happy and have all the perks that they are describing in this thread, it gives me even less of a reason to get married.
AJ
(and the sidtrack into my familial details which are exceedingly messy goes decently far back in hatrack history.)
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Tom, but do we get the full package? BoM reading every day, 3 hours of church on Sunday, FHE on Monday, you help people move?
Deal!
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
Tom, I hope you're not implying I've got some sort of fetish.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Edit: this was valid about 8 minutes ago: fast moving thread.
At this point, I'd like to ressurect my Kat-respect / mild (very mild ) worship thing.
Kat, for every post I see of yours that I think *ugh,I don't agree with that at all* I see about ten more of your posts that make me think, and often change my viewpoint.
So Kat.
[ March 17, 2004, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: imogen ]
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*glows* Thanks Imogen.
Edit: Not valid anymore? *sad* Fame and worship are so fickle. I just literally used up my fifteen minutes.
[ March 17, 2004, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I'm trying to imagine what Black List could POSSIBLY have me, kat, and Anna all on it.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Oh goody, I've made the pinacle of success. I've been blacklisted! I couldn't ask for better company!
Tom and kat I'll join you in Hell
AJ
[ March 17, 2004, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Verbatim I've had premarital sex for over four years and I have neither a broken heart nor STDs.
Rethink your paradigm.
AJ
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
What? I'm not on the list? And here I was hoping OSC-Fan remembered me.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I'll be even more specific:
Not only do ten bucks say Verbatim isn't a Mormon writer, but five bucks says he's an unmarried man and ANOTHER five bucks says he's OSC-fan. Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
Ooh! There's a blacklist?? Cool. I wanna see.
Post it. No fair to keep secrets!
Anyway, even though I prefer being married to having a non-legalized (but still valid, IMO) union, I have to object to Verbatim's tone. I understand that you think you are coming from a religious standpoint (or you are trying to make the appearance of coming from a religious standpoint, or something, I'm not making much sense here), but I inferred from your post that all non-married sex results in STDs. Is it so unlikely that premarital sex can be a faithful union? Plenty of married partners get STDs from extramarital sex, and plenty of non-married partners are completely faithful.
You are being mean for no reason, and I object.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
This has actually made me rethink my prejudices. I believed much too easily that Verbatim was a Mormon girl who got married right out of high school and is just sure that all non-members are two seconds from killing themselves out of despair.
Tom: Yeah, looks like OSC-fan. Maybe OSC-fan can be the new Ced.
[ March 17, 2004, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
jexx you rock
So does Amka who started this thread for that matter!
AJ
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Whereas, oddly, I've never met a Mormon that stupid and never believed for a second that Verbatim was one. Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
Once again I'm going to rain on your parade! But you are wrong. Marriage is bad!
Sorry, another crappy day at my house and all you happy people make me sick. or at least jealous.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I can think of precisely one recently-departed member who might have kat, AJ, and Tom on a "blacklist."
Posting style is pretty similar, too . . .
[Edit: or yeah, what Tom said]
[ March 17, 2004, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
Ok Ok, I'm going to hate myself for saying this, but I think it's time to leave verbatim alone and get back to the original point of this thread.
People were enjoying it, after all.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
quote: Tom, I received a black list from some member on this site and, surprise, surprise, all three of you are included in it.
Le huh?
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Edit - and again, I'm waaay too late.
AJ, me too. Except my time frame is almost 7 years.
Looking back, I wouldn't encourage teenagers to take the same steps as I did at the same age. But I think my approach was healthy. One relationship lasted 3 years and was fantastic for that point in my life.
The other (and my latest) has lasted almost 3 1/2 years, and I feel quite confident in saying that this relationship is it. Check on us in 40 years time, and we'll still be together.
I understand pre-marital sex isn't for everyone. But in my case, I have no problems with it.
[ March 17, 2004, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: imogen ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Speaking of marriage, does anyone have any ideas on how to do any sort of long distance wedding shower? I am the maid of honor and can only make it to the wedding location three days before the wedding, which puts a distinct glitch in things.
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
just to let everyone know, I thought it an act of prudence to save this thread to my hard drive in its original state.
AJ
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Ooooh. I'm so curious if Verbatim was serious.
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
I think you rock, too, AJ.
(edited to add that AJ rocks extra for saving the thread on her hard-drive. You are a smart cookie!)
As far as long-distance wedding showers go, I'll have to think up some ideas for you. I have participated in many on-line baby showers, but they were all for on-line communities, and not IRL people. Are the wedding shower participants on-line sorts of people? You could do a 'virtual shower'...webcams and such...
That's all I have. Sigh. Sorry.
And also: Yay! This thread is fun!
PPS: beatnix, I'm sorry life sucks right now It will get better, I promise.
edited to add: Verbatim that's just silly. You are a silly person. If you were sincere, you would stop pussy-footing around and just post the darned email/IM/whatever instead of being all cryptic and such. Besides, we have a LOT of newcomers on this board recently, and most of the genuine ones have been welcomed and 'you rock'd.
[ March 17, 2004, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: jexx ]
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
I don't want to derail the thread, but did you get this warning in an email or in chat or what?
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
AJ - Do you have to organise the wedding shower, or is it just sending a gift?
I guess a gift you can do easily... various online services will deliver great presents amd gift hampers (I got two from my Mum for my 21st )
But given you are the maid of honour... Hmm. Can you delegate? Can you have a very late wedding shower? Combine it with a hen's night - have a nice afternoon, pamper youselves, then go out for cocktails somewhere glamourous - it could be fun.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
That's a hard one, AJ. Perhaps you could conflate the shower with a bachelorette's party?
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
<sorry for derailment>
So no one is allowed to post unless they agree with Tom, BannaOJ and me? All three of us? *highly amused*
Poor, poor newbies.
[ March 17, 2004, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by Occasional (Member # 5860) on :
I am a little confused. Why would someone fake, "the best Mormon in the world?" if they weren't LDS? On the other hand, I do agree with Tom that there are not too many LDS members of the "ultra-orthodox" that would even go as far as Verbatim does in projecting a "us" better than "them" stereotype. Those that do would not even BE here.
Its making my head spin.
As for marriage. It has its good days, it has its bad days; just like any other human interaction.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
How about if we disagree with all three? Can we post then?
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
I need to make a point of saying something about the "three" that were mentioned.
They have offended me too, but only because they are the ones least likely to tolerate or enforce stupidity. I have also offended them. Get to know them and you'll realize they are all pretty decent human beings.
If you STAY on their bad sides, I would re-evaluate the style of your posting. (Not necessarily your opinions.)
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
I'm on the grey list.
It's especially evident now because I desperately need a haircut.
Oh, and, yep, being married is good.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Wow. So somebody on Hatrack is able to psychically divine the E-mail addresses of anonymous posters.
Anyway, let's get back to the topic and ignore the troll, 'k? *grin*
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
I made a new post so we could stop derailing Amka's thread. Black List Post
Back to partnership, and how much we enjoy it! Woohoo! Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Yeah trying to agree with all three of us on any given topic could make your head pop like a squished grape!
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
*honestly doesn't remember ever being offended by PSI*
PSI, I apologize if I offended you as well, I never, ever intended to. (When I do intend to deliberately offend, it's normally pretty blatant.)
AJ
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
My hubby pats my head before he falls asleep and says, "I'm so glad you're my wife." And he makes me coffee every morning even though I don't wake up to drink it, and it's cold by the time I do. That's how much he loves me.
And I drink it. That's how much I love HIM.
AJ- I've never offended you? Haven't I, in almost any thread about pre-marital sex? Maybe my posts aren't well-written enough to offend anyone.
And if you offended me it's really only because you called me on something stupid I said. I HATE that.
[ March 17, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: PSI Teleport ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*snort* Oh, there's a pattern all right. Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Seriously, Verbatim, as amusing as all this is, this is a perfectly good thread -- so would you mind moving over to another thread to lie about yourself?
Otherwise, I'm just going to have to keep begging people to ignore you.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
To disagree, even profoundly, does not create offense, at least in my mind. I take very little personally in an argument like that. To me even the use the word argument does not necessarily connotate offense. It means a hashing out of ideas, and seeing where everyone stands.
A lot of this has to do with the way I was raised, where argument/discussion was the normal form of comunication and if you took it personally you would have spent all day every day bawling.
AJ
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
This someone sounds very bitter. You'd do well to consider whether this person's opinions are a fair representation of how it really is here.
I think most of the troll-burnings are fairly legit. Generally newcomers are warmly welcomed, but every once in a while we get someone who just can't tone down their behavior enough to fit in. Hatrack is an open community in the sense that a broad range of viewpoints and opinions can coexist (fairly) peacefully, but a very closed community when it comes to allowing "trollish" behavior. Some opinions, especially when voiced bluntly or belligerently, are not tolerated for very long.
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
Wedding. Shower. For. AJ's Bridefriend.
Discuss.
No more black list--there's a whole 'nother thread for that.
Please also tell us how happy you are to be married. Or committed long-term to your partner. Yes. We enjoy that. Thank you.
That is all.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I think we need to bring hatrack polygamy back... I wanna marry Jexx!
I'm wondering if we could just do an online shower. I mean if she gets registered online for places it would work. Heck I don't even know if she's thought ahead to wedding presents yet. (Hmmm wedding presents are a good reason to get married... )
I was thinking instead of a bachelorette "party" because I don't think she wants anything raucous, we would take her on a semi-quiet shopping trip to Victoria's Secret.
AJ
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
Where have I heard that before? Seems awfully familiar...
edit: crud. Fast-moving thread. I am referring to Verbatim's post.
[ March 17, 2004, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: mr_porteiro_head ]
Posted by Amka (Member # 690) on :
I remember my wedding. It was small, very small because we didn't have much money. It wasn't everything I wanted, but then that was okay because I didn't dream of what my wedding would be like.
One of my dear memories was when we shared the cake. Before I go on, you must know that my husband is particularly clever in his teasing and tickling ways, and in this I must bow to his superiority. I am not safe in the kitchen.
I did not know the full extent of his powers of joking at the time, but I did know that I had an advantage. You see, he did not know the time honored tradition of shoving the cake in the face. I let him be the gentleman and sweetly give me a piece of cake, biding my time, cackling my evil giggle that he didn't yet understand. And then I acted, smearing the cake all over his face.
Ahhhh, the expression on his face. I had caught him. Rare indeed was my enjoyment though. In all the thirteen years of our marriage, I don't think I've topped that one yet.
He is clever and adept.
One of the things I love is the way he strokes my hand when we sit next to each other in church.
Posted by lcarus (Member # 4395) on :
quote:(and I have yet to see a wedding where the participants aren't stressed out and miserable while pretending to be happy)
Then I hope someday I can show you the video of ours. Our wedding was not a tiny affair either. But it was with all the people in the world who were closest to us, in the place we both love most, all to celebrate us and our happiness together. That night is by far the best of my life. And not merely symbolically--it was the most fun I have ever had.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Icky did you get married at Disneyland?
No I'd love to see it. I admit I'm very cynical about weddings and marriage. However I'll do my best to make sure my friend has a happy wedding.
AJ
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
My wedding was fun, but then, we were already married which took alot of the edge off. Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
AJ, I accept. I love dogs, I love books; you love dogs, you love books. This could work. We'll have to figure out how to break it to Those Men We Live With.
*grin*
I am thinking that I read somewhere about a 'nonbridal shower' to celebrate the committed union of two people, and there were hors d'oevres and presents. I wonder where I read that. Anyway, seems like a good excuse for a party and presents, so you should give it some thought I'll help you word the invitations, if you like.
As far as your friend goes, if this can be a more informal, quiet thing, you can do it a couple of days before the wedding (as opposed to a couple of weeks, when you will not be in the area), as long as you can do the planning long-distance or on-line. I have always liked the idea of a tea party (like on Friends, but without Danny DeVito for a stripper, hehe) at a quiet restaurant. Sort of formal, though. I always picture Mrs. M at one of those with the lovely white gloves and afternoon hat. Tea gowns, of course. Alternatively, a shopping expedition at Victoria's Secret (or Crate-and-Barrel, or Pier One for that matter, if they are setting up house for the first time) with a nice lunch in there somewhere is a fine idea.
Still thinking...
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
AJ, I was in a wedding years ago where the maid of honor lived in Baltimore. She set up the shower as best she could, but relied on others in the wedding party to help her out with the details that could only be handled by someone local.
Actually, I ended up doing most of her legwork because she was cute and single. And yes, we did hook up at the wedding. And yes, we did start a long distance relationship. And yes, it did turn into a nightmare because she turned out to be not a very nice person. Never, ever, ever volunteer to care for a girl you barely know after they've had a boob job.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I just fired off an e-mail asking if they were registered anywhere. I mean they both have most of the basic household stuff covered, so I don't know what they'd actually need.
hmmm maybe if I got married I could wangle a Kitchen Aid mixer out of somebody...
AJ
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
quote: I did not know the full extent of his powers of joking at the time, but I did know that I had an advantage. You see, he did not know the time honored tradition of shoving the cake in the face. I let him be the gentleman and sweetly give me a piece of cake, biding my time, cackling my evil giggle that he didn't yet understand. And then I acted, smearing the cake all over his face.
Ahhhh, the expression on his face. I had caught him. Rare indeed was my enjoyment though. In all the thirteen years of our marriage, I don't think I've topped that one yet.
Amka, me too! Tom and I had "agreed" not to shove cake at each other. So, he fed me very politely and I returned the favor, but at the end dipped my finger in some frosting and slathered it on his nose. The look of shock on his face is one I'll always remember.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote:Never, ever, ever volunteer to care for a girl you barely know after they've had a boob job.
Now that's some good advice.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
As far as the wedding party goes.. NO ONE execept the bride and groom live nearby as far as I know. Maybe some of the groomsmen do, but none of the bridesmaids who would be in charge of the girly stuff are.
AJ
Posted by lcarus (Member # 4395) on :
Disney World.
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
AJ, if you were single, you could convince some of those groomsmen to do your bidding.
Posted by UofUlawguy (Member # 5492) on :
BannaOj, you don't want a Kitchen Aid. You want a Bosch.
[ March 17, 2004, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: UofUlawguy ]
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
Anna, all you really need to plan a wedding shower is a cake, some punch, some games and a place to hold the shower. I'm pretty sure you can arrange all that long-distance. Use the yellow pages to find a place and perhaps a caterer or bakery.
I love the idea of a Victoria's Secret trip. Otherwise, a themed shower -- i.e. bath/relaxation products, unique kitchen tools, lengerie -- is fun.
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
You could plan a couples shower. I've been forced to, I mean, been lucky enough to attend several. I see know reason why men all over the country shouldn't have to suffer, I mean enjoy them as well.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
BTW, AJ, you weren't serious about an "online shower," were you? That'd be worse than not having one at all.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Tom, I'm brainstorming...I don't know, it was a idea that's all.
AJ
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I think it's vitally important that people actually be PRESENT at a shower, and that there be a decent mix of planned activities/icebreakers and general chatting (I include shopping in "general chatting," by the way, unless specific shopping-related games or embarassing escapades are planned, like requiring her to have herself "sized" by a clerk.)
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
zgator.
Deleted for probably being overly snarky.
[ March 17, 2004, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: Storm Saxon ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
See I personally LOATHE icebreakers and all of those stupid cutesy games. I'm going to have to have a serious talk with her and see what she wants or expects.
Sometimes she's a little more into stupid cutesy than I am but most of the time we generally agree on that sort of thing.
I think I should just pack you into a suitcase and take you along Tom (well if Christy wouldn't mind) you are by your mere presence, a quintessential icebreaker!
AJ
[ March 17, 2004, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
Storm, I know. At a couples baby shower, I had to play some stupid game where the men have to drink beer out of a baby bottle. I just stood there and waited for the contest to be over because there was a cooler full of beer in much-easier-to-drink-out-of adult bottles right there.
BTW, sometimes shopping with your wife for drapes is the only way to make sure your credit card stays under the limit.
edit: You can't delete that and make me look stupid Storm.
[ March 17, 2004, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: zgator ]
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
quote: See I personally LOATHE icebreakers and all of those stupid cutesy games.
I hate these too, regardless of the intent or occasion. The only thing they do is give people something in common...they are all equally annoyed or embarrassed.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
The valuable thing, however, especially in a group where not everyone knows each other, is that they all ARE given a chance to bond over the same humiliation.
No party should rely entirely on the willingness of strangers to sit around and talk to each other. *grin*
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*agrees with Tom* *amused by this*
Banna, they suck, but you have a group of strangers getting together.
AND....
You can have everyone write down their first, first kiss, or their last first kiss story, read them out loud and guess which belongs to whom. I did that at a shower last Saturday, and it was really fun. You can also do Bride and Groom trivia.
They are still games, but they are not unbearable no is required to use a baby voice. Yay!
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
I once played an icebreaker game with a group of women who were all at least 15 years older than me. The game was to write one fact about yourself on a slip of paper, and everyone had to guess who it refered to.
Doesn't sound too bad, except that every time something silly or rebellious was read out loud, everyone assumed it was me.
"I have a giant tattoo." "MAUREEN!" "No, it wasn't me," I'd say.
"I once got married, then divorced 48 hours later." "Maureen!" "NO, I didn't DO that," I'd say.
My fact? I scored 1550 on the SAT's. Pretty boring. Why would everyone assume I was the freak?
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Well I don't agree with Tom and kat *grin* but I see your point about strangers getting together. If worse comes to worse I'm going to contact her mother and see if she has ideas on what exactly we should do. But that is a last resort.
AJ
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
zgator, while just can't repeat what I wrote before as it would make me something of a party pooper. Let me just say
quote: You can have everyone write down their first, first kiss, or their last first kiss story, read them out loud and guess which belongs to whom.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Why's that scary?
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Kat, I just can't picture swapping stories about a first kiss as something most men would get into. Call me crazy.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote: BannaOj, you don't want a Kitchen Aid. You want a Bosch.
NOOO! KitchenAid!
AJ, tell Gramma that's what you want, not some honeymoon at her house. Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
Storm, I know why that makes you uncomfortable and if it will truly help, then yes.
I'll be your first kiss.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
lol, you don't understand, the free honeymoon at her shore house doesn't cost her anything...
Sorry I stopped posting. I went home from work just after lunch because I had the sinus headache from hell. I took a nap til 6:30pm and now feel much better.
AJ
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
*whispers* "Pe min kan wan and baby aspirin....."
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Oh, I understand that, AJ. Tell 'er you can be bribed -- but she's gonna have ta really make it worth your while! Put her money where her mouth is, as it were. Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
lol,
Just got a message from my friend. She says they already have enough household stuff. What they would like to do is have people donate to a charity in their honor.
But his mother thinks this is rude.
What do you guys think?
AJ
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Tom and I really considered this as well. I don't think its rude at all.
Christy -- who is too lazy to log out of Tom's account at present.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
This thread is really depressing.
I wish Ihad someone to love and be loved by....
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
AJ, I think that's great. Some people I know have chosen to make a less-lavish wedding and donate money to a charity like this one.
Perhaps the invitations might say something like, "In lieu of gifts, [insert bride's and groom's names here] request that you make donations to [insert charity name and contact info here]."
Posted by Anti-Chris (Member # 4452) on :
quote: I wish Ihad someone to love and be loved by....
Yeah, know what you mean. Where IS that matchmaker? Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Anne Kate and I have been duking this out on IM. She says Mrs. M will agree with her that it is rude, and I'm pretty sure she's right.
She says it is because you are implying they *should* give something any time you put a note like that in. I've been looking at wedding etiquette sites and they basically agree with her. They say that guests should find out even where the bride is registered from the wedding party or the family.
However all of my friends who have gotten recently married, have put a little buisness cardlike thing in with the invitation saying at least where they were registered. One of Steve's cousins, put in lieu of gifts please donate to defray honeymoon expenses and nobody blinked an eye, especially because they were poor college students (as is my best friend... she's a starving graduate student, he's working as a lowincome post-doc.)
Also the bit about contacting the family or the bridal party totally doesn't work given the geographic spread of the guests invited. I'm of the opinion that putting it in the invitation, on a separate card is extremely practical.
This sort of etiqutte thing is one of those "polite fiction" deals that totally pisses me off about weddings.
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Incidentally I suggested First Book as a possibly acceptable charity if there is one.
AJ
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
AJ, in general I'm in favor of "proper" etiquette, but I'm with you on this one -- it's taking the polite fiction too far.
Now, shower invitations that have a list of stores at which the couple is registered do bug me a bit -- but this is for charity, and I think that should count for something. Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Well I think we are either doing a "tea" or a "pool party" rather than a "shower" so gifts aren't involved.
AJ
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Then it's not really in lieu of gifts, I guess.
In that case, it's just hitting up party guests to donate to a good cause? *grin* That does seem kinda tacky.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Shower gifts are different than wedding gifts anyway. They don't really want either. The donation would be specified in lieu of wedding gifts.
Anne Kate says if you don't call it a shower then gifts aren't implied so that takes care of the gifts on that score.
And I'm probably going to do the Victoria's secret trip in lieu of a bachelorette party.
AJ
[ March 17, 2004, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
:lightbulb: Ahh! Gotcha.
That seems reasonable. Posted by aka (Member # 139) on :
People may still feel like bringing gifts, but they aren't required at anything that's not called a shower. Unfortunately there isn't any polite way to officially channel or direct people's spontaneous generosity, because that makes it sound expected and not spontaneous.
The only exception is at funerals, the next of kin, on behalf of the departed, can request donations to a charity in lieu of flowers. Basically, being dead gives you some lattitude. Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
quote:I always picture Mrs. M at one of those with the lovely white gloves and afternoon hat. Tea gowns, of course.
jexx, that's exactly what I wanted. It ain't what I got. My shower was a disaster from start to finish. My maid of honor was in the same position as AJ - I was living and getting married in NYC and she was living here in Richmond. So Andrew's aunt offered to co-host the event at her apartment. Cara hand-made beautiful invitations with topiary (which I especially love) and started experimenting with gourmet cookies. Andrew's aunt is a lovely person, but very, very different from me. She and Cara spoke on the phone and Cara called me up right after and said, "You're going to hate your shower and it's not my fault. She wants to serve tuna salad."
I really don't like Tuna Salad on an ordinary day, but I certainly didn't want it for my bridal shower. Cara tried to tell Amy that I don't like tuna salad, but Amy insisted that Tuscan tuna salad would be fabulous.
It wasn't.
Nor was the fact that Amy didn't clean the thousands of toys she keeps in her living room. Nor was the presence of her three small, screaming children (whose roles in my wedding party gave me nightmares), who were supposed to be at Andrew's parents' house. I could go on and on about the things that weren't fabulous. The Tuscan tuna salad was particularly vile.
I had my bridesmaids' luncheon at the Russian Tea Room, though. It was beautiful and elegant and perfect.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
so what is your whole opinion on the presents/charity ideas Mrs. M.
This is the thing, I think it would be better to do a sort of informal get together, probably both sexes attending, than to deal with a formalized shower. Gwen isn't as picky of an eater as I am, but I could see things going the way of Tuna Salad all to easily.
AJ
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
I think donations in lieu of gifts is a wonderful idea and increasingly common. It's not rude at all, but very nice (in the Southern sense of the word).
What about having a wedding shower, as opposed to a bridal shower? It can be a nice way for all the out-of-town guests to meet and relax before the wedding. You can have it the same weekend - maybe the day before the rehearsal. You can do a barbecue or have it catered by a place that serves regional cuisine.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Yes just sort of having a wedding party get together and icebreaker on Thursday or friday evening would be perfect The wedding is at 8am sunday morning July 4th, so early because it is going to be out of doors and blazingly hot any later in Tucson.
AJ
Posted by aka (Member # 139) on :
I think giving a charity donation instead of a gift is lovely, it's asking for charity donations instead of gifts that I find a bit objectionable. Because it assumes people are going to want to give you gifts, then tries to channel their generosity into the direction you prefer. It seems to presume a lot, in other words. Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
There is a terrible trend around here lately of holding showers at restaurants - where the guest has to buy their own food. That's right - you get invited to come to an expensive restaurant, buy your own food, and give her presents. All told, that shower costs each guest $40 - $50. The sum total of the hostess' work consists of filling out e-vites.
They are not well attended.
[ March 18, 2004, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
<grin>but Anne Kate that brings us back to the whole connundrum of how do you let people that want to give gifts know that you want donations to a charity instead, without putting it somewhere in the invitation materials. The whole "word of mouth" ask the wedding party or the relatives thing that the manners types proclaim, isn't going to work in this case given the distances involved.
What should the wording be?
"If you feel so inclined, please donate to charity X in lieu of presents?"
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Yes, I love this too. Congratulations, Amka!
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j/k
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