Hatrack River Forum: What do you think about this poem?

This is topic What do you think about this poem? in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.

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Posted by J T Stryker (Member # 6300) on :

I know that I’m still rather new to hatrack, but I’ve already learned to trust the judgment of the people who post on here. I've been compiling a bunch of poems that I’ve written over the last 9 months or so, and people keep telling me that the poems are really good, I think they stink. I'm posting "Our Future" as a sample poem. Give me your honest and brutal opinion of it. In short, tear it to shreds before I get cocky and try to publish any of my poems. Thanks.

"Our future"

I long for nothing more than you,
I wish for no future but our future,
With our house in the mountains,
Just above our meadow,
Where we fish in the head waters,
Of our river, the Rio Grande,
Our meadow is surrounded by trees,
These trees are evergreens, aspens and the like,
Our children will play in them,
As we sit on the porch watching,
Growing ever older, and more ornery,
Never leaving our utopia,
Until one of us dies,
And the kids drag the other away.

Well, there is one of my poems, does any one else on here write, if you do post your poem and see what people think of it.

Edit:I cant spell

[ March 15, 2004, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: J T Stryker ]

Posted by Papa Moose (Member # 1992) on :

Might check this thread to see the work of some other Hatrackers.

As I've said elsewhere, I can't tell a good poem from a bad one. I'm working on that, though.

--Pop

Posted by T. Analog Kid (Member # 381) on :

"Rio Grande"

sorry to be a nitpick [Smile]

ok, so I'm not really *sorry* but you know what I mean [Wink]

Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :

JT, opinions are going to differ. Tastes differ. Your poem happens to remind me of Smoove B from The Onion. However,

quote:
In short, tear it to shreds before I get cocky and try to publish any of my poems.

doesn't make sense. Regardless of what feedback you get here, why not try to get it published? As long as you aren't using a vanity press, you have nothing to lose. And maybe some people to prove right, or wrong. [Smile]

Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :

It should be a song with just one guitar and slight percussion.
I write poems sporatically

Posted by The Thnikkaman (Member # 6330) on :

Hey, kid!

Think about it a bit longer. The point of the poem is still a bit confused. It's wordy and kind of watery, without personality.

For instance:
"These trees are evergreens, aspens and the like,"

Your "and the like" might work if you established the speaker's personality better. Right now, it's like an "etc." Kind of a cop out.

I don't think you had a really strong idea in your head when you started writing. Keep refining it until it says everything you want it to say.

Posted by J T Stryker (Member # 6300) on :

Thanks for all the input so far.

[Laugh]

thnikaman

Hey thnik, did you mean to misspell your name? [ROFL]

Posted by The Thnikkaman (Member # 6330) on :

Yeah, shut up, kid! [Razz]

Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :

What every one else said, and...

quote:
I wish for no future but our future,

Perhaps: "I wish for no future but ours."

The broken line, "of our river, the Rio Grande" loses the rythym. Consider putting more sentences in there, right now it is just a list of things.

You mention evergreens. Perhaps the image of evergreens can be applied to the entire poem?

"And the Kids drag the other away" is a good line, but somehow it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem, especially after using "children" earlier on.