She told me last night. It happened once, about 2 months ago. No offense to the wonderful ladies here, but women really suck! In my wife's case that is quite a literal thing.
I really don't want much simpathy I just had to tell someone because there is no way I'm telling the people I know in my non-cyber world. It's far too embarassing and I'm still not sure what our future holds. Telling people would definately push things in directions I may not be able to control.
CRAP!!!!!!!!!! Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
((beat))
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I'm so sorry.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
I am sorry to hear that Beat.
I understand. You can tell us and we won't judge you. However, if you tell people in your physical life, a question of honor, manliness, and pride is played. Will they consider you wimpy if you don't punish your wife/leave her, in the face of this betrayal.
Standing by your woman (or your man) after they have hurt you is one of the most difficult things one can do. Especially if its done out of love.
I am not saying you must stay with her. I am saying that the decision must be yours, done out of realistic considerations of love and trust. You shouldn't be forced to make those decisions by the opinions of others, pressured by your peers.
What ever you do, we will be here for you.
Questions of trust will take a long time to heal. You obviously love her. I wish you luck.
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
Well, at the very least, now you know.
Good luck, beat. I wish there was more I could do.
Posted by Daedalus (Member # 1698) on :
quote:She told me last night. It happened once, about 2 months ago. No offense to the wonderful ladies here, but women really suck! In my wife's case that is quite a literal thing.
Heh. You seem awfully cheerful about this, dude.
The most important thing you can do is to decide, right now, if you want to keep this marriage. If you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, forgive her and try to heal whatever rifts are between you that drove her to another man's arms. If you decide you don't love her, be honest and end it -- there's no point but tragedy in stringing along an empty marriage. Be honest with her as she never was with you, and end the heartbreak now before it worsens.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
I used to say so confidently that if my spouse ever cheated on me that our relationship would be over. I don't really think that anymore. I think I would keep the relationship together if it were possible. If you do stay with her and hold to your commitments when she has broken hers, I sincerely hope that this painful experience can somehow be turned around to heal your relationship.
And I hope she appreciates your willingness to even consider forgiving her. Many would not.
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
Wow! I just ran home to pick up lunch and now she's telling me she just made it up. Apparently she's off her meds again and she claims she just was telling me what I want to hear. Unfortunately last night left no doubt in my mind that she was telling me the truth. She was far to upset and it was a very honest moment. Again, I must say that women suck, or at least mine does right now.
To address some of the other comments. I forgave her for all this two months ago when all I had was guesses. It's much more real now but I have forgiven her and I do want to work things out. But I left that to her. I told her she had to decide and I'm done asking her to come back. She still refuses to stand one way or the other so I've told her I'm done being misearble. SHe can come talk to me but I'll never go to her again. And I'm going to start living my life again and if I meet someone and she doesn't care to step inI'm goona let that happen. I'm done being slave to her indecision. Now, I'm not actively seeking anyone but for the first time since I've met her it is an option.
I'm not sure if this is right or not but it is right for me at this moment.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
beatnix, well crud. I'm sorry you got confirmation of your suspicions. I was sort of hoping against hope, you know?
Well, you've forgiven her. So what's next is really up to her. You can help her, but you'll have to be strong enough to let her know that it isn't "anything goes" or "whatever she wants." She can stay with you under the condition that she really does stay with you. No repetition.
Don't waver on this one because it'll just prolong the death of your marriage. Make it clear now what you expect and want. Invite her to tell you what's missing that she wants you to address. And then decide. Both of you decide together.
And you truly don't think she can stick to it (and she may really not be capable of it), then move on. Save you both a lot of pain and suffering, IMHO.
But if you trust her, then forget this ever happened, move forward with her and don't let anything in the world stop you!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I'm so sorry. (((((beatnix))))) Good luck.
Posted by Danzig (Member # 4704) on :
(((beatnix)))
Posted by Amka (Member # 690) on :
I'm sorry beatnix. I know you wrote about this before, but I can't recall the details of the thread.
Do you have children?
How long have you been married? Is this a pattern, or perhaps a logical extension of behavior she already exhibited? Or is it highly unusual?
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
I really hope everything works out.
quote: Wow! I just ran home to pick up lunch and now she's telling me she just made it up.
So, she's either screwing with you or doesn't want to face up to what she did. Either way, not a good thing.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
beatnix, I would at this point say that you've pretty much put the ball in your wife's court -- and she is OBVIOUSLY spiking it as hard as she can towards the foul line.
Walk away, man. A woman who would lie about cheating is a hundred thousand times worse than a woman who would cheat. Either way, in this case, she's lying; that doesn't bode well, because it means that she's testing you.
[ March 22, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]
Posted by Amka (Member # 690) on :
Points to what Tom said.
That is my point. Do you love her enough to put up with this your whole life?
Sometimes we make mistakes, but we shouldn't carry them around like crosses the rest of our life. Don't sacrifice your life to be the pillow she likes to hug at night when she comes home or punch when she gets frustrated.
If this is very atypical, then I guess what needs to happen is to find out what is wrong. You mentioned meds. Why did she quit them? Does she do that often? You can only help her if she is willing by action as well as word to keep herself healthy.
As far as what is right for you now, it looks like you are letting go, which is probably good, but think of what is right for you in the future too. I know you aren't actively doing anything or searching, but should it come up, don't let anger, frustration, hurt make you do something you'll regret.
[ March 22, 2004, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: Amka ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I would agree with Tom and Amka except for one thing -- the fact that she still needs treatment for a mental disorder and hasn't necessarily been getting it.
Frankly, I'd rather people make decisions when they aren't dealing with uncontrolled bipolar disorder or depression, or any number of other diseases that affect the ability to make sound decisions.
If she refuses to get treatment or won't stick to her meds, that's yet another kettle of fish.
Please note: I'm not saying that the disorder excuses anything. But beatnix loves her and would take her back/stay with her.
I've already given him my pessimistic assessment of such things. I've been through it. But part of being a standup person in a situation like this is to understand and act out of that understanding, not just the hurt and anger. And if, in understanding you can still love and trust, then it is worth trying.
If not, then yes, by all means do you both a favor and end the painful dance.
Sorry this is so blunt. I can't tell you how much I wish I had no experience in this field. But I do, and you have kids to take care of too. No-one can make this decision for you. And even if she says she can make an effort, it may not be enough, you know. Weigh it carefully because your heart isn't invincible. Even though it is impressively strong!
Either way, you know you can hit me up for comfort or empathy.
Also, there's the possibility of finding someone who will treat you much much better. And if you are the kind of guy you appear to be, then you deserve it. So maybe think about that too.
The life you stop wasting may be your own.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
First of all beatnix I support what ever decision you make in a tough situation.
/tangent As a husband, how much responsibility does he owe her to make sure she gets treatment? Legally he is the one who can commit her to an institution or force her to get medical care.
I realize this might not help the marriage any because you are forcing her to do something against her will, but at what point do you tell someone that they *will* do this because they are endangering themselves and others?
I guess when they are suicidal. Is she suicidal without her meds? Would you trust your children with her if she is off her meds?
(I know of a situation, with one of my best friends where the husband had his wife involuntarily institutionalized because he came home to find that she had attempted to hang herself because she was off her meds. She was furious at the time, but in hindsight agrees it was for the best. She's now been stable for nearly two years.)
AJ
[ March 22, 2004, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by The Thnikkaman (Member # 6330) on :
Don't get back at her by stepping down to the level of her actions. I imagine you're feeling pretty hurt right now, but cheating on her will only worsen the situation. If you're going to move on, tie up all the loose ends first, and do it honorably.
It's like you've come home to discover she's splattered mud all through your kitchen. Getting your own mud and splattering it around will only exacerbate the problem.
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
But what if you like mud?
No, I know the right thing to do. I don't plan on making things any worse. Why mess up my case for getting full custody of the kids (that is, if I need to go that route)
Posted by The Thnikkaman (Member # 6330) on :
Exactly.
You still have the rest of your life, and your kid's lives, to think about.
Posted by scottneb (Member # 676) on :
Hey beatnix,
I respect the crap out of you for this!
There is no telling what I would do in a situation like this. If I had to venture a guess, I would say that I would break down and internalize the situation. No matter how irrational that sounds.
As I see things, you need to stop wasting time and get done with whatever needs to be done with. More clearly: Make the decision. As has been mentioned before, you have kids. You need to take care of those kids. The indecision that you and your wife are padding through is, no doubt, hurting your children. The ball is squarly in your side of the court. She has called your bluff. However I can think to say it, it will be the same: No matter how much you don't want to make the decision, it's yours to make nontheless. If the relationship is dead, call it dead and move on. I hate to see you hurting like this for so long.
-scottneb-
[ March 22, 2004, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: scottneb ]
Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
Man, I can't imagine what I would do, either. Nothing good, that's certain...
Posted by skrika03 (Member # 5930) on :
((beatnix)) I'm for considering the medication problem ahead of the infidelity/lying problem. Though we haven't gone into details on her disease, and I don't know how bad it would have to be for either lying or infidelity to be considered a symptom. Perhaps it is time to write what she has said, make a 2 copies, and mail the original and one copy to yourself and not open them. You can refer to the 2nd copy, show to a lawyer later on if necessary. That way, you know you've started an evidence trail if things get worse. But your'e only out a buck for materials and postage.
Posted by scottneb (Member # 676) on :
Ah! The poor man's Copyright. Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
beatnix, I dedicate this song to you. Best of luck!
Posted by odouls268 (Member # 2145) on :
quote: women really suck! In my wife's case that is quite a literal thing.
That's an awfully flippant and crude comment about your own wife on a public board.
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
Beat, we love you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. (((beatnix)))
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
odouls, I see you like your irony served cold.
-Bok
Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
Start packing dude.
Maybe you're on your own. Maybe she goes with you. Either way, you've got to get away from the creep who borrowed your wife (if he's still alive) and her girlfriends who knew but didn't have the guts to tell you. It's time to start fresh with new surroundings.
Posted by odouls268 (Member # 2145) on :
agreed.
Posted by BrianM (Member # 5918) on :
beatnix, you will feel better in a week or two guaranteed. NEVER stay with anyone who betrays that sacred trust, NEVER, for ANY reason.
You can NEVER rebuild that trust.
It will always haunt you if you stay with her, trust me.
[ March 22, 2004, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: BrianM ]
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I'm really sorry for you Beatnix.
I wouldn't agree with the blanket "a relationship never works after some-one has cheated". This is sometime true, but not always.
What is certain is that if it is going to work, it will take a lot of hard work from both parties.
However, it looks like there's more going on here than just infidelity - as Tom pointed out, this sounds a little like your wife is testing you / playing games - which will not go towards healing the situation. However, as Bob said, there is also the issue of her untreated mental disorder.
I guess you've just got to choose what is right for you - what makes you happiest in yourself at the end of the day. Either way, I'm thinking about you.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
scottneb I see you posted here. Please check the bear thread, and let me know if you will be able to get the bear if I mail it.
AJ
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
quote:Start packing dude.
Maybe you're on your own. Maybe she goes with you. Either way, you've got to get away from the creep who borrowed your wife (if he's still alive) and her girlfriends who knew but didn't have the guts to tell you. It's time to start fresh with new surroundings
quote:beatnix, you will feel better in a week or two guaranteed. NEVER stay with anyone who betrays that sacred trust, NEVER, for ANY reason.
You can NEVER rebuild that trust.
It will always haunt you if you stay with her, trust me.
These seem pretty harsh/naive blanket statements when you're talking about a marriage that has yielded children.
The fact is that whether beatnix lives with her or not, she will be a part of his life in a very intimate way as a partner in the most important venture of their lives - raising their children.
This isn't high school and I doubt that friends on either side are laughing and making sport of the situation.
beatnix, if I were you I would find one trustworthy real life friend who will be a good sounding board, yet won't let his need to protect you allow him to attack your wife. You need the security to be able to let your guard down and be angry, hurt, fearful, frustrated and stupid; so that when you face your children and make the decisions you need to make, you can be calm, understanding, loving and wise.
You are the only one who knows the road you need to take. Don't feel pushed. Yes, you've put the ball in her court, but you're not playing, you're the referee.
[ March 23, 2004, 03:43 AM: Message edited by: LadyDove ]
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
Ladydove!!!
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I'm with Ladydove on this one. I think she said it perfectly.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
I agree as well.
I talked with folks in chat last night. I was offended by the crude remarks you'd made about your wife--but also felt that this IS a good place to vent and find support and advice.
I'm conflicted, as they say.
I think it was just that one sucking comment--but that's me, and this is your situation and your emotions.
They work out as they need to, and it isn't my place to invalidate them.
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
I'm sorry if I offended anyone. My frustration sometimes gets the best of me.
But thank you for you advice and words of understaning and care.
-Josh
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Listen, Josh:
You gotta be one of the good guys.
This whole things sucks. It's not fair, it hurts like gangbusters, and you'll never forget that (although it will get better) -- but still, you have to take the high road.
Being one of the good guys means venting in private but being responsible in public. It means not taking away all joint friends and family who are her emotional support, because you don't want to have to explain to your kids why she committed suicide. You also don't want to live another 40 years wondering whether some responsibility for the breaking of her lays in your hands.
Again, it sucks. Again, it's not fair. You didn't deserve this -- nobody does -- and you are justified in being royally pissed off. But nobody ever will know what really went on in your marriage, other than you and she. And your loved ones will know this, although the pressure from other people to justify and explain will be huge.
Foremost in my mind is that you are in the process of teaching your children how to act in the face of betrayal. Were they my kids, I think I'd hope they would learn not to put up with being exploited, not to put up with being treated so badly, but also not to be self-destructive by making a bad situation yet more unbearable.
I wish you didn't have to deal with such an awful mess, beatnix. I really do. You do have a safe place here to vent, though, and I know you are strong enough as a man to take care of yourself and those still depending on you.
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)