It was just sprung on me by roommate a few minutes ago. For those uninformed, I’m in a dorm room that totals 15’x8.5’ for two people (minus closet space), which is less than the state’s requirement for jail size. Anyways, a very small room. My roommate has a habit of inviting people to stay in our room without asking me, over night. Today, he informed me that three people (three extra people!) would be staying in our room over night, this night!
Well he happened to have a contingency plan should I shoot him down (he’s joining a frat so they can sleep there for some reason) so it took very little debating before he agreed to house his friends else where, however, I discovered while arguing with him, that it was quite possible if he’d stuck to his guns I would’ve let him do it. Why? Well he pointed out that while it would be difficult to have 5 people in out room at the same time, he could do it, so why could I object? And for some reason whenever I tried to bring up personal space, and the fact that, hey, it’s my room too, my conscious mind refused to say it.
I don’t know why but for some reason I seemed to refuse to use basic arguments like the fact that it would make it very inconvenient for me. Why is that?
Hobbes Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
By the way, I know that if it had been something like "dude, you've gotta take a sip of this beer or I'm going to beat you up" would've resulted in me being beat up. I'm capable of standing up for my princibles but I can't seem to stand up for general human polietness and my own convience.
Hobbes Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Because you're Nice.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
You're very nice, and very cool. Maybe that's it?
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
Do you have a housing contract? Can you find out if this kind of thing is actually allowed? I'd bet your RA would be able to help you out with this kind of thing.
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
At our dorms you have to have both roommates sign a consent agreement to let someone stay the night. Check into that.
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
You always try to see things from other people's POV. It is your curse and your gift.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Yah, see going into it I figured I'd bring that up (forget houseing contract, there's no way it's up to fire code to have 5 people sleeping in a room that size), and then as soon as he said they could all fit, it's like any arguments all just seemed to selfish. He did give in, and they aren't sleeping here, but that's not exactly because of my wonderful arguments.
Hobbes Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Well I'm flattered by BoH and Kat's opinion.
Hobbes Posted by peter the bookie (Member # 3270) on :
*yoink*
nothing to see here.
[ April 15, 2004, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: peter the bookie ]
Posted by Zevlag (Member # 1405) on :
Hobbes, you know what, me and you, we need to get some lessons from our good friends Ralphie and Celia. Our experts in evilness.
It's kinda upsetting at times when you just wish you could have the guts to come out just say no, and well mean it, and have the means to mean it.
That's what we need, lessons from the best Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
Hobbes is unteachable.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Hobbes, it may also be your roommate who lacks appropriate boundaries.
I got really into learning about boundaries last year and then I had a nervous breakdown. I haven't really gotten back around to it. Though I may in the next few months.
Posted by Zamphyr (Member # 6213) on :
quote: I don’t know why but for some reason I seemed to refuse to use basic arguments like the fact that it would make it very inconvenient for me. Why is that?
Because you know deep down inside, you really want to have 3 Hatrackers sleeping over and give him a taste of his own medicine. Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
Dude, I'll bet you let your roommate drive the WHAM-mobile too.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Only on weekdays though.
Pooka, I have no doubt he does, I have a lot of "fun" stories about my roomate but that wasn't really the point. Of course you can get me to tell them to you really easily since I always feel better after whining...which is why I'm trying not to bring that up. Anyways, the point is, I feel like I should be able to say "you're overstepping your boundries, stop it" but I can't seem to use that argument.
Hobbes Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Wow. I never realized it, but Hobbes is Flanders from The Simpsons.
edit: I did mean to add a smiley the first time around. I meant it in a nice way.
[ April 17, 2004, 09:17 PM: Message edited by: Storm Saxon ]
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
I LOVE Flanders!
Hobbes Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
My sister told me this radical new relationship tool. I forget what the gist of it was, but the first rule was "Complain, don't criticize." I think it came down to sticking with "I" messages. "I feel". "I want." "I puke".
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
I'm a big fan of the words "us", "we", "together", and the like.
Hobbes Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
I don't know how I missed this thread before.
quote:And for some reason whenever I tried to bring up personal space, and the fact that, hey, it’s my room too, my conscious mind refused to say it.
How did you feel when you tried to say it? What kinds of emotions came up?
If your answer is "oh, I don't know, nothing really", try this--on a piece of scrap paper, write down the following stem:
"When I try to bring up personal space, and remind my roommate that it's my space too"
then, as quickly as possible, jot down 6-10 endings for the sentence. Don't take the time to self censor, and don't worry about whether the response makes sense. As long as the response makes grammatical sense, that's good enough.
No promises, but sometimes using this kind of technique can help me get to the bottom of how I'm feeling about something, when my response to a situation is puzzling to me.
Posted by msquared (Member # 4484) on :
Hobbes,
Maybe it is my cynical old age, but did you find out the gender and age of the other people? I mean it it had been 3 19 year old cheerleaders, I probably would have said yes in a heart beat. Of course I would have told every one that I sleep in the nude and would be uncomfortable if they did not do the same.
I would even offer to share my small bed with one or two of the young ladies.
msquared
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
Yeah, I'd love to see a thread where you and Annie fight over a situation like that. Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
This isn't the first time he's brought over people. A few weeks ago he brought over his girlfriend and asked to have her stay the night. I choose to sleep outside in 20 degrees, with only one ripped jacket (that's all I had) instead of that because I refused to either be undressed myself with her there, or be there with her in a state of undress.
Beisdes which, compared to my Annie, all girls look at least a little... unappealing.
Noemon, I'd have to say, just general resitance to the idea. Like trying to walk through water, you can do it, but it takes a lot of effort to push yourself through.
Hobbes Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
quote: I'm a big fan of the words "us", "we", "together", and the like.
Oh, Hobbes. One of these days you'll disagree on something and you'll need to learn some new pronouns. But enjoy it while it lasts. Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
"Honey, you can trust me. Nothing will happen. We'll just be sleeping."
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
I may know the other words, but disagreeing with Annie be defenition means I'm not happy. I don't think I like those words.
Hobbes Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
"Yes, dear." The key to a happy relationship.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Are you making general comments here Storm? You're confusing me. See? Look at the smilie immeaditly following this sentance.
Hobbes Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Hobbes there isn't any place on campus that is open all night? Surely you could have crashed somewhere, even in the student lounge in your own dorm.
AJ
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
quote:Noemon, I'd have to say, just general resitance to the idea. Like trying to walk through water, you can do it, but it takes a lot of effort to push yourself through.
Right, I understand the feeling of resistance. What I'm trying to figure out is the emotion underlying it. If you're interested in digging into it, try that exercise. If not, no big deal of course.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
AJ, the dorm here has a lounge, but for some reason it's closed (I'm not sure when, but he got back at 1:30am that time and it closes well before that). I don't think any of the buildings are open then either. To my knolwedge, no, there's no place open that late/early on campus for situations like this. I think it's because they think people would try to bring over guests and have them sleep there or something.
Hobbes Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Noemon, what an appealling tactic. You're a gem.
*tucks it into my back pocket
[The Thread for Interesting Lifeskills-Related News]
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
'K Noemon, I did it:
quote:I get blocked I think "well it *could* work it's his room too it's only one night I should tell him Why should my needs take precendence over his?
...
I think that last one was key.
Hobbes Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Hobbes, listen -- I know where you are, and I've been there myself. But this is important: your needs should count just as much as his.
It needn't be a trump card, either way. But by automatically deferring (despite the prior contract), you say that his take precedence over yours, even above the agreement.
I am a big fan of Immanuel Kant, who argued that we should advance the (rational) goals of each other inasmuch as we advance our own, as there is no rational reason to give our own precedence.
I still believe that. It did take oh, about 28 years to figure out that this means placing my own needs on a lesser, nonequal footing was just as irrational. Think of the example you set for those who look up to you: would you really want the young people who look up to you to learn that one's own needs are not to count? That's neither healthy nor rational, especially in the long terrm.
I bet you felt a marked kinship to the Gaunts in Wyrms, too.
(((Hobbes))), the sweet tiger
[ April 21, 2004, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: ClaudiaTherese ]
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Wow, CT, you almost literally took the words out of my mouth, including the part about it taking you 28 years to learn this one.
Hobbes, I can't stress enough the importance of being your own advocate.
If this were Annie, and her room mate were behaving in this way, what would you want her to do? That's an honest question, by the way; I'm not trying to lead you anyplace with that one--I'm honestly curious what your answer would be.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Noemon, we obviously cannot ever be in the same room together. Whatever higher order split us in two at birth must have an overarching plan, and to frustrate that would likely rip a hole in the much-vaunted space-time continuum.
Please avoid Madison, WI, for the next two years. Oh, and Quebec for Memorial Day Weekend.
I'll keep you posted.
[ April 21, 2004, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: ClaudiaTherese ]
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
It's probably for the best; I'll do my best to stay away.
Posted by Xaposert (Member # 1612) on :
Incidently, I think having three people stay the night is a very reasonable request, assuming you don't have some sort of test you are studying for or something.
My roommate last year used to have his girlfriend over every weekend (including two different girlfriends one weekend, in an interesting story to be saved for later.) He used to leave little notes on the door all the time warning me not to come in until specified times, lest I be witness to something I really did not want to witness. Was it annoying? Well, somewhat in the case of the notes, but it's the sort of thing that doesn't really matter.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
The old "tie on the door" sign was alive and well back in my day, and it wasn't normally considered rude. However, keeping multiple guests overnight on a regular basis is something that should ONLY be done with the express approval of your roommate; in fact, I believe almost all colleges REQUIRE it.
"disagreeing with Annie by definition means I'm not happy"
I hope you realize that you're kidding.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
He's not, but they'll be okay anyway.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hee hee, I realize I'm both kidding and not kidding. It just depends on what we're disagreeing over. For instance, disagreeing over the movie 2001, or what color tiles we're using doesn't count.
And Kat's right too.
My roomate has been chasing after one girl since the begining of the year, and has only had her in our room twice, which just started in that previous incident I mentioned, so we haven't really bothered working out some sort of communication on it unfortunatly. I wouldn't consider it rude, though I wish she would leave instead of spending the night so I could sleep somewhere too.
Xap, our room is not big enough for 5 people. Here's the layout, and the dimensions are off because they didn't include the (really thick) walls, or rather did include them as part of the room space. We have two desks, two dressers, a fridge, and one futon (with stuff all over it). It would techincally be possible to have all 5 people laying down somewhere in a room, but they'd have to get up and get dressed one at a time. And I was not OK with that, especially since I had to leave at 5:45am the next morning.
quote:If this were Annie, and her room mate were behaving in this way, what would you want her to do? That's an honest question, by the way; I'm not trying to lead you anyplace with that one--I'm honestly curious what your answer would be.
No, you're right, I would not put up with... or rather since, she's far away, I'd be very upset about it.
See the problem I have is that I'm very good at being my own advocate when it comes to non personal-privlige type things. Almost all the guys on my floor hate me because I refuse to shut-up and just accept anything, be it a question of morals, or a question of fact, that I don't agree with. But personal space and the like I just seem unable to argue about.
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This isn't the first time he's brought over people. A few weeks ago he brought over his girlfriend and asked to have her stay the night. I choose to sleep outside in 20 degrees, with only one ripped jacket (that's all I had) instead of that because I refused to either be undressed myself with her there, or be there with her in a state of undress.![[Confused]](confused.gif)