Hatrack River Forum: I'm toast

This is topic I'm toast in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.

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Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :

[Wall Bash]

I'm mortified. I'm toast. I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and hide for about six months....

I serve as a board member for a local non-profit group (volunteer). Three of us board members had been having serious concerns about how the chairman of the organization was using funds. We felt some of what she was doing was unethical, maybe boarding on illegal. Over coffee, the three of us decided that "I" should draft a letter to the national chairman (who happens to be a friend of mine) in another state, to express our concerns about this chairman and ask about course of action.

Well, one of the three board members (I'll call her Liz) e-mailed me today. I replied to her. I expressed to her that I had not yet drafted a letter to the national chairman with our concerns, and encouraged her to call, as I would call, to express our concerns with the organization.

I wasn't paying enough attention -- things are hectic at work -- the reply went not just to my fellow board member Liz -- but to EVERYONE on the board! (no, not Outlook -- no recall feature). That means the chairman-in-question also received my e-mail.

I'm mortified. How could I have been so stupid ! [Wall Bash]

*bad Dobby* *bad Dobby -- talking bad about master* [Wall Bash]

I really can't deal with this today.

*braces for impact*

Farmgirl

Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :

[Eek!]

(((Farmgirl)))

I can only imagine how mortifying that must be. Maybe you'll luck out and he/she will just delete the email without reading it. <crosses fingers>

Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :

But will everyone else?

[Group Hug]

Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :

If it was done on outlook, you could try to recall the email. [Frown]

Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :

Farmgirl, have you thought about drafting that letter now? Might help to have your ducks in a row. (KarlEd, if the people there are anything like the people in my world, someone will take great glee in bringing it to the attention of the subject, even if the subject herself deletes it. [Frown]

)

Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :

[yeah, PSI. ]

Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :

*reasd Farmgirl's post more carefully*

See, everyone makes mistakes, even me. [Smile]

Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :

Farmgirl,

It might be good to get on the phone with your allies on the board and then get on the phone to the national person, since you know them personally. Since it's out in the open, you probably should go ahead with the plan, just ahead of schedule. Depending on your relationship with the national person, you might even be upfront about the dynamics of what happened.

Someone is going to make a first move here. You might want to make sure it's not your chairman.

Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :

CT -- what letter? I tell you -- I'm not checking my e-mail or answering my cell phone the rest of the day. I'm hiding out here at Hatrack.

The original message was sent through YahooGroups. And every though I'm the MODERATOR for the list, there is no way to have stopped it since it already sent.

Farmgirl

Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :

Yep, what Stephen said.

(Although I confess that if it were me, I'd set a timer for five minutes and play mindless Tetris, just to pretend that it wasn't happening. Cushion the emotional blow. Or, post on Hatrack -- same thing. But in the end, it's already out there, and you can keep some control over what happens with it if you are savvy. )

(((Farmgirl))), 'cause it really sucks

Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :

quote:
Over coffee, the three of us decided that "I" should draft a letter to the national chairman ...

That one.

Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :

Don't you have the power to delete posts as the mod?

I know when you sign up for a yahoo group, you can either receive messages by email or only browse messages online. I (and most people I know) select the online option because we don't want to clutter up my mailboxes.

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :

Ouch, FarmGirl, I hate it when stuff like that happens. If it's any consolation, C did something like that back in about 1998, and is living a very happy life now.

So, yes, you'll have to deal with this (and CT's advice is excellent), but you can take comfort in the fact that this'll pass.

Posted by Slash the Berzerker (Member # 556) on :

You know, they say comedy always starts as tragedy, and I'm sure this is too recent to see past the pain of it.

But this is, in fact, hilarious. And you are going to laugh yourself silly some day thinking about it.

Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :

Stephen -- good advice. (I guess ploughing forward is better than hiding, as much as I hate it).

I already HAVE contacted my allies on the board (did so immediately by phone so they would be aware/prepared for fallout).

I really feel bad - because it was never my intention to publically humiliate the director, which is probably what it ultimately did. (Sure wish I had used some different word choices). She is a good person -- there were just areas of leadership we had concerns about. But it was supposed to be just a intimate e-mail between friends......

<sigh> How I would like to start this day over again..

Farmgirl

Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :

I think it would still be in their inboxes though, beren, if any of them chose that option. (It's the default.)

Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :

Drat!

Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :

BOH -- I already DID delete it from the web mail online (on yahoogroups) but I know she DOES receive it immediately (as did I!), and not up on the groups page.

Now I wish I had set that stupid thing to where all posts had to be reviewed by the moderator before posting. But I had it set automatic instead....

Farmgirl

Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :

Just goes to prove what my grandma always told me... "Never talk about other people behind their back -- it will always come back and bite you in the butt!"

Farmgirl

Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :

For a sec I thought you were using BOH as an exclamation, like "Doh!" My hubby says that. I thought it was a weird coincidence, but then I realized who you were talking to.

Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :

(((Farmgirl)))

Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :

That's awful, Farmgirl.

*Commiserates*

(((Farmgirl)))

Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :

Then what does BOH mean? I did something similar at a job. Leaked confidential information that no one had told me was confidential. I guess it lacked the interpersonal element. As far as I know, I'm the only one who got in trouble. Though now that I look back, my boss probably got in trouble too. But he was a pretty good guy and never let on that it had been a problem for him.

Anyway, I'm with the folks who say you should move ahead with the contact. If this director person really is unethical, they may find a way to bury you.

Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :

(BOH = Beren One Hand?)

Posted by Alexa (Member # 6285) on :

I would email, call, or have a meeting with the person in question and let him/her know exactly what is going on and why. Keep the initiative.

Good luck!

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :

(((((Farmgirl))))) Ouch! Good luck dealing with the situation.

Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :

Oh! All these confrontational-type solutions! I can't do that!

So far -- all that has happened -- the person I was originally directing the e-mail to (that was supposed to be private!) replied to the list as well, and said she didn't want me taking all the heat for the prior e-mail, because it is true that we have concerns, and that she did not bring them up in the last meeting (I didn't attend the last meeting).

Other than that -- I haven't checked my e-mail (it's my home e-mail account) and I haven't answered my cell phone (two messages). Yes, I know, I'm chicken.

I seem to always be suffering, throughout life, with foot-in-mouth disease. Even though I make an effort to stop and think (most days) about what I say.

I just need 24 hours or so before I do ANYTHING.

Farmgirl

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :

Thurber said that humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

When you are tranquil and everything is okay, this is going to be great.

Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :

I support that course, Farmgirl. I read once somewhere that in situations like this, the appearance of calmness is even more critical than actually doing something - that taking the time to plan is to be valued. [Smile]

Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :

((Farmgirl))

I know that if I were you my first inclination would be to hide under my bed and never come out. But that's not a particularly useful response. [Frown]

It's embarrassing now, but it will get easier. And how wonderful that your fellow board member stepped up to take some of the heat. You're not facing it alone.

Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :

Farmgirl,

Your reactions are perfectly understandable - to me, anyway. My "dirty little secret" is that I really hate confrontation (irony alert!).

I think the most important step is one you've taken - talking to at least one of your fellow board members.

I think the thing you and your friends will be needing to think through is that confrontation looks to be absolutely unavoidable. And lots of the not-so-fun side of grassroots organizing has taught me it's usually important to be in a position to define the terms of the confrontation.

A free and open society is an ongoing conflict, interrupted occasionally by compromises
---Saul D. Alinsky

Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :

I've always wished life had a rewind button. Or a save/reload. Don't we all!

[Frown]

Hope it all works out!

Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :

I think if I were you FG, I'd sit at my computer all day hitting "Ctrl+Z"...

The saying "it can happen to the best of us" certainly applies here.

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :

I know how you feel. The women in my office like to send dirty jokes around. I sent one around, but hit Human Resources instead of Hilary. Luckilly, she has a sick sense of humor as well.

You could always send out an email saying someone was using your ID to write scandaolous notes, and if you ever find out who, they are in deep trouble.

Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :

[Laugh]

dan_raven

Farmgirl

Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :

Oh Sweetie! I'm so sorry!

I've done something not quite as bad, but a friend of mine at work were emailing a memo that a co-worker had written and basically making fun of how poorly it was worded and written, and being total a$$es at the expense of someone else, and yup - she got a copy of the email.

I did want to die. I apologized. Your situation is different though, in that what you were doing had a legitimate purpose and wasn't just being mean-spirited like I was.

I know how you must feel, I cannot do confrontation either, or rejection, I take it so personally. I wish I could help!

Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :

yeah -- but basically what something like this says is: "we have a problem with you, but didn't have the guts to spell it out to your face, so we have been talking behind your back!"

Which many people say is a female trait (I would argue with that), and all this time I have said they are wrong, that women don't do this any more than men..

...and then I do it...

Farmgirl

Posted by Rhaegar The Fool (Member # 5811) on :

Maybe they will get the e-mail and then get the point.....

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :

Oh gosh, men do it too. It's a human thing.

I'm still firmly holding on to the Someday This Will Be Funny ray of hope.

And I'd give about everything for a rewind button.

Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :

quote:
I've always wished life had a rewind button. Or a save/reload. Don't we all!

That is so true, Yank.

Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :

This is why I don't generally insult people over E-mail, and only scheme in person. [Smile]

Posted by Polio (Member # 6479) on :

I say, whatever. They don't pay you enough to care that much. What are they going to do, demote you to volunteer-underling? Fire you?

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :

Oh, Farmgirl, I feel the pain. I am on an email list, and we call those "misposts." Except now, because I do them so often, they are called "Lizposts." I have pretty much trained myself not to do them anymore. I "forward" instead of "reply all." It is a fun message board, and I have never said anything really bad, but it is SO embarrassing.

I am feeling a churning of the stomach in empathy for you right now.

I agree with Claudia Therese, though. Just go with it. Write the letter, apologize for how the informaton came out, but not for what you said, and it will be OK.

Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :

(((Farmgirl)))

Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :

Oh Farmgirl!

You could always move to Australia - we're mostly harmless. [Smile]

Seriously - I hope it turns out ok. I'm sure you'll be able to deal with it. (((FG)))

Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :

What's the latest news, FG?

Have you safely come out from under your desk?

*Hopes it's getting better*

Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :

quote:
You could always move to Australia - we're mostly harmless.

Except for that Peter Singer weenie...

[Razz]