It's not a pity thread, though, I promise. I already called my grandmother this morning for that, so no need for the parentheses.
But I was thinking. I think Mother's Day is probably a sad day for a lot of people. Those whose mothers are gone. Those whose children are gone. Those who don't have children and want them. Those who feel inadequate to the children they have.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
(((kat)))
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
Sorry this day is hard for you. I don't know what your situation is, but it's not my favorite holiday either. It's great because my kiddos make me cute gifts and tell me how much they love me. But it's not so great that I don't talk to my own mother. Guess it saves me the price of a gift, though. <---- space opera occasionally deals with painful subjects by making tasteless jokes
space opera
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Bob!!!!!
*hands on hips*
Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
Katharina, I wish there was something profound I could say that would take away your pain, but I can't think of anything. All I can say is that when you posted that story about your mother dying, it caused me to think about my own mom who had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.
I spent many hours wondering what I'd do if anything happened to her.
All I have to offer is hugs. (((Katharina))) I know you said we didn't have to hug you, but it's all I have to offer.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Thank you for your sympathy. I am not ungrateful.
But I'm serious. No hugs. This is not a pity thread. I was just thinking that it might be a day of mixed dark blue emotions amid the pinky beige of Hallmark.
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
*donks self on head*
Wow, I'm sorry about your mom. A friend of mine lost her mom a few years ago and said Mother's Day was one of the worst days for a long time. Now that she's had more time to heal she usually spends the day looking through pictures, etc. in her own observance of the day to remember her mom.
space opera
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
Hey, Kat - how old were you when your mother died, again?
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
It's okay. It really is. Honestly, this day is hard not just because of my mom, but becaues of the whole state of things with the family I have left. But I talked to my grandparents this morning, and they love me and want me just as I am with no criticism, and they are going to put flowers on my mother's grave for me today, so I really am all right. I mean, this isn't a pity thread.
But... I think it's almost not possible for me to post a thread on this topic without it becoming so. *thinks*
Would anyone be horribly offended if I deleted the thread? What do you think?
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Ralphie: I was 20. Chronologically.
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
I'm in the wants kids but doesn't have them camp. This is a really hard day for me, too. My best friend's mother is a deadbeat mom, so we commisserated.
I find that it's best to avoid restaurants all together - Andrew and I got take out.
Edit: word didn't make sense.
[ May 09, 2004, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Mrs.M ]
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
I have to say, I worry about my nephew quite a bit. He's eight, and he acts like he's PERFECTLY FINE.
It's pretty typical for him. On the day she (my sister) died, he went to the bathroom to cry because he didn't want to lose it in front of an audience. He's extremely stoic. I wonder which is worse - losing your mother early in life when you need them SO MUCH but are in a more adaptible time period of your life, or later in life when you may be a little less dependent but have a much more difficult time acclomating to life-altering events like the death of a parent.
I guess, ultimately, both suck waxy apples.
[ May 09, 2004, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Ralphie ]
Posted by hansenj (Member # 4034) on :
I understand the true sentiment behind the thread, and I don't necessarily think it needs to be deleted. I love having this day to honor my mom, but it does kind of seem a little bit like there are many people with many reasons to be sad or bitter or lonely on this day. It's especially hard because my dad is one of the people that have a difficult time on Mother's Day because his mom recently passed away. However, if you want to, I think it would be completely alright to delete it.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Sorry kat. I was feeling kind of sorry for myself because Dana left town yesterday and your post recalled several things to me:
1) That I have a very cool mom who I get to call and talk to.
2) That Dana & my mom already like each other. Which is very cool too.
3) That my dad isn't alive anymore and I really hate father's day and December 15th (his b-day). And I wish he could see me now and we could be friends.
Darn...
So maybe I needed a hug and you were there, you know...really needing one too, neh?
Anyway, I'm sure your mom would be proud of you, and whatever becomes of us after leaving this Earth, I'm sure that it's better and that we retain some connections to those we love here.
So she's around and knows you're missing her. And I'm sure she's proud of you.
(((all)))
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
It seems that any dat that is "supposed" to be a good day tends to be a pretty bad day fo some.
Take Christmas, for example. In modern days, Christmas has turned into a celebration of the family. It's a time to get with your family and have a warm, fuzzy time together.
But for those that cannot do this, it can be a very depressing time.
Does that mean that we should get rid of Christmas? Not in the least.
It's OK to not love Mother's Day. And you aren't trying to take away the joy that some of us get from the day. I know that you don't want a hug, so I'll just give you a *handshake*.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I don't think I will now. There's good stuff on here.
Ralphie, my baby brother is, to all appearances, pefectly fine. And has been. A few tears at Christmas and some sad eyes on her birthday, but in general, he will not talk about it. He was 14.
Our bishop at the time had lost his mother when he was fourteen, and he said that he did not truly deal with it until he was in his twenties. He just didn't have the capacity or the strength or the understanding of what he had lost before then to do so.
I think it's okay that your nephew seems perfectly fine. It does mean that when he does deal with it, it may be even YEARS after everyone else around him has done so. That...can be even lonelier, becuase no one else seems to be exeriencing that emotion, and often, it was so hard for those around to deal with that they don't want to remember, so they avoid him when he is dealing with it. That concern for your nephew is wonderful. He will need your love, but it may be later. Even though it's later, he'll need it just as much. That could be hard for you.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Don't delete the thread.
It wasn't pity. Still isn't.
It's just a sad, empty feeling and you can share it with us if you want to.
Ralphie, I don't know which is worse either. I think losing a parent is tough at any age, if you were close. But the relationship of children to their parents changes so much that at any age it's a different mix of need, respect, and friendship. I lost my dad too early (I'm already 5 years older than he was when he died. Crud.) He still had to be a source of discipline to me at that time. I think he'd like how I turned out, but I miss not knowing. And I wanted that time as friends so badly. We'd had a little taste of it, but not enough.
And we could've used his strength a million times along the way and had to make due with the memory of it instead. It always sucks.
It's my biggest worry about having children -- that I'll kick off before they're ready. But then, nobody ever is ready I don't think.
Posted by Pixie (Member # 4043) on :
Mother's Day isn't much looked forward to at my house either. My mother hates it because my dad's a real a$$ about things like this (not to mention just in general). Last year she literally spent half the day in tears. Today she was "only" crying for a few minutes in church.
Me, I hate it because I generally can't stand seeing anyone in pain anyway, but my own mother? Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Katie, I think it's great that you can talk about how today makes you feel. It makes me want to give you a-- um, a warm handshake.
I know a lot of people for whom today is difficult, for the reasons you mentioned. Thanks for the reminder to be sensitive about their feelings too.
(((((you want 'em? they're yours)))))
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
*scratches head*
This is odd.
I haven't spoken to my mother in 365 days. To the day
I don't know where she is. Or how to reach her.
What's really odd is that I miss my mother. But...she wasn't really a mother in the first place.
So what, exactly, do I miss?
But at the same time, I feel like it isn't my place to say anything, because my mother is still alive.
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
Ok, now this thread has me thinking about me as a mother and my kids. I don't know at what age it's worse to lose a mother, but I want to cry when I think of the moms who have an illness, etc. and know they're not going to be around for their kids. My kids are the world to me; I don't think anything can explain a mother's love for her children. They are your hopes, your dreams, your frustrations, and your very heart. Kat, I think a mother's love is so forceful that your mom's is very much still alive and with you. I've always thought that if Heaven is simply remembering times with my kids that it would be a great place to go.
space opera
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
And mothers who don't possess that mother's love?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:And mothers who don't possess that mother's love?
We drop a crate of Hallmark cards on them.
What else?
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
Mackillian, mothers who don't have that kind of love for their kids are dumb a@@es, plain and simple. That's the nicest way I can put it. My mom doesn't either, so I know where you're coming from. It's something that's lacking in them, not their kids. I know what you meant when you talked about not missing her, but missing something. I think it's that special bond and unconditional love that we all desire. Unfortunately, some of us just have to look for it somewhere else.
space opera
edit for spelling
[ May 09, 2004, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: Space Opera ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote: We drop a crate of Hallmark cards on them.
O_O
Poor mack! Where did that protective styrofoam get to?
[ May 09, 2004, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
Bob, thank you for making me laugh.
Posted by Dead_Horse (Member # 3027) on :
This is a good place to say that I miss my mom, too. It's been 18 years this month since she died.
And how hard it was to watch two little boys in church today sing "Mother, I Love You" with sad little faces.
And how silly I feel about the flowers they hand out afterward, since I'll never have kids of my own in this life.
*sigh*
Posted by dangermom (Member # 1676) on :
I don't like Mother's Day either--and I know quite a few people who don't. For myself, I've been a mom for nearly 4 years now, and I still don't like it much, especially the church part. It's turned into a messy knot of weird feelings by now.
We never really did much about it when I was growing up. My mom didn't care much for the day either, because she lost her own mom at 18. I think as a result, we never did a lot for it--she'd get dinner cooked, and we'd say "Happy Mother's Day," and that was about it.
So I didn't have strong associations with Mother's Day until I got married and everything, and we started trying to have a baby. My first pregnancy went disastrously wrong a few weeks before Mother's Day. (Church in general was tough--there were 6 pregnant friends and a perfectly nice woman who had a baby at the same time I lost mine, who would always come in late and quite unknowingly sit right in front of us with this beautiful baby. I really hated her, which I feel bad about.) I don't know why I insisted on going to church that day, it wasn't very smart of me. Luckily I had two friends who felt similarly and we had a hate-fest in the hall for an hour.
Anyway Mother's Day always brings all that back, even though most of the time I'm fine with what happened now. Put the traditional guilt about not being the perfect mother described in all the talks on top of that and mix it with some feminist politics about how mothers always get all the blame for everything and the commercialism--and you have a DangerMom who can barely remember that she has two perfectly nice children to be grateful for. Instead I turn into a mess. Oh, and today, when I was really looking forward to seeing our 3-yo get up with the kids and sing for the first time, they didn't do it. They're supposed to have the kids sing to their mothers! What were they thinking?!?
So, bleh. I don't like Mother's Day.
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
moms rock! so do dads! and kids, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, neighbors, and katharinas!
fallow
Posted by porcelain girl (Member # 1080) on :
my mother's mother died around this time of year a couple years ago.
her mom's little sister mailed my mother one of my grandmother's sweaters last week, and my mom couldn't even open the box without crying so i did it for her.
and i wore my grandmother's hugs all day. *sigh*
[ May 09, 2004, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: porcelain girl ]
Posted by Jaiden (Member # 2099) on :
Ralphie, my brother was 9 when our Mother died. He tried to appear strong, but for the first 6 months or so, I would wake up and hear him crying at odd hours (his room was next door to mine).
He now is 18. He never mentions our mother and appears to be fairly well adjusted. He, in many regards, however has forgotten our mother
I was 12 at the time when she died. I did the strong thing and it didn't work. Mother's Day was horrible. They still made me make a stupid craft at school and everybody kept telling me how sorry they were. I didn't want to hear that! I wanted to forget about it. Or ignore that it was happening. Denial was much easier then uncomfortable "I'm sorry"s.... *shrugs*
I've disliked Mother's Day since my Mother died. It's even harsher now because I have to act cheerful for my stepmother and her family.
Posted by Yozhik (Member # 89) on :
quote:What's really odd is that I miss my mother. But...she wasn't really a mother in the first place.
So what, exactly, do I miss?
Maybe you miss what might have been, if you had been born to somebody else. What you look around and see other people having, and you don't. That's how I feel about it, anyway. I ceased all contact with my mother in 1999, because my mental health was fragile and I couldn't endure any more.
I don't care for Mother's Day either. On this day I always skip Sacrament Meeting and the rest of church---and don't feel the slightest bit guilty.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
"and i wore my grandmother's hugs all day. *sigh*"
I love that. This board needs more porce-ness.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote:On this day I always skip Sacrament Meeting and the rest of church---and don't feel the slightest bit guilty.
Yep. Me too.
Sacrament meeting, anyway. On the way to sunday school, I saw a girl in the hall who took one look at the stormy look on my face and adopted me as a kindred spirit. Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
katharina,
I relate. I feel this way on Father's Day -- it is always very hard on me.
Farmgirl
Posted by Lissande (Member # 350) on :
Me too. Father's Day needs to die. And people who wish me HAPPY FATHER'S DAY as they flounce off to spend time with/call their dads need to die more. Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
"But the relationship of children to their parents changes so much that at any age it's a different mix of need, respect, and friendship."
This is so true. I lost my mother when I was eighteen months old. I am who I am today, good or bad, because of that fact, and the series of events that followed. I have missed her since I was old enough to understand that i didn't have her. I even rebelled against her in my teens("Stop comparing me to her!")
I often think I would be a proper soccer mom if she had been in my life, not one who forgets when the games are. I might have some sort of fashion sense.
But then I would not have been raised by a single dad, who taught me that men's and women's roles are not set in stone. I might not know that spaghetti and butter can go for three meals a day, as long as you add a canned vegetable here and there.
I don't miss my mother on Mother's Day. I missed her the moment I became a mother. I could actually feel her as a missing link in a chain. I wanted her then more than at any other time of my life. Now, it is OK again.
I wrote a long thing, and I sent it to Kat a while ago, about how my picture of her is on my bureau, next to the mirror. It always has been. It is a strange, but somehow comforting, feeling to watch myself age, and see her as a beautiful, strong, twenty-four year-old forever.
(not looking for sympathy, either, just responding to Kat and Bob's "the relationship changes" comments)
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Chronologically.
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This board needs more porce-ness.