This is topic Ha ha ha he he he ho ho ho in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/main/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=024241

---

Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
I continue my tradition of starting pointless threads with this link:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html

quote:

---

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

---

[ May 12, 2004, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: kaioshin00 ]
 

---

Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
 
So basically you're saying we should be GLAD that France didn't join us in our "war" on terror -- given their batting average, it could have been a jinx...


Thanks for the smile for this morning.

Farmgirl
 

---

Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 
You know, I think it's interesting that they chalk up the entire Napoleonic period as a "loss." By that standard, Rome never won anything, either.
 

---

Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
 
Napolean should have died while he was on top like Alexander. That's why you don't ever hear anyone say "Napolean the Great".
 

---

Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
And doesn't the Roman Empire give the Italians any military credibility?

I enjoy a good French military joke as much as the next guy, but they really did help us a lot in the Revolution. If the British had evacuated Cornwallis, the war could have lasted years longer.

Dagonee
 

---

Posted by PaladinVirtue (Member # 6144) on :
 
Very funny, if not entirly accurate
I think the last quote sums it up though.

"..the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
 

---

Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
 
They left out Napoleon's efforts to put down the slave rebellion in Haiti that ended up with the loss of about 60,000 troops and Haiti to boot. One of the only successful slave rebellions in history.

The French, however, did manage to prosecute one successful war, by blowing up the original Greenpeace Rainbow Warrior ship... not sure if that counts as taking on a major military power, but a win is a win I guess.
 

---

Posted by Lefty the One-armed Man (Member # 6161) on :
 
They also forgot the ill-fated invasion of Mexico by Napolean's nephew. Feliz Cinco de Mayo!
 

---

Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
My friend put this in his profile after the UN decision:

Going to war without France is like going hunting without your accordion.
 

---

Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 
Yeah, you can always count on Americans to determine the sourness of any grape.
 

---

Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
 
Am I the only one who thought of a song from The Wizard of Oz when I read the thread title?

 

---

Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
i think so
 

---

Posted by digging_holes (Member # 6237) on :
 
Exactly which song is that?
 

---

Posted by hugh57 (Member # 5527) on :
 
Actually, the title reminded me of "They're Coming To Take Me Away," by Napoleon XIV
 

---

Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 

quote:

---

Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

---