OK, I got to admit when I first read this, I was a little sceptical.
quote: US researchers say that, unless you have superior relationship skills, your hopes of cosy coupledom are likely to be dashed.
Far better, they say, to aim low to ensure you are not disappointed.
Aim low?! lol. I think they chose poor wording because the rest of the article (and links to their articles to the side) are quite interesting. What do you think of:
quote:Instead, the US researchers said people looking for long-term relationships should select partners who were similar to themselves, rather than seeking out the highest quality partner available.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
So THAT's what I've always done wrong.... my expectations are too high!
Imagine that!
Farmgirl
Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
I didn't read the article but I found the two exceprts fascinating: "Aim low... find someone like yourself."
Niiiiice.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I want to know how they definte "highest quality" partner.
If it is in terms of looks it is pretty shallow.
I have come to a similar conclusion when it comes to looks. There are very few "beautiful people" out there. If you are looking for the most physically attractive mate you can find chances are when you find them they aren't going to be interested in you. (Unless you are in that statistically small population of "beautiful people") But most people (there are very few truly ugly people too) have what I call "ordinary beauty" And if you are happy with "ordinary beauty" rather than perfection, you are going to find someone far more compatible because you are judging by interests, goals and ideals instead of just looks.
AJ
Posted by Alexa (Member # 6285) on :
I agree with
quote: However those with high expectations but without those relationship skills are likely to be brought down to earth fairly quickly as their Prince or Princess Charming falls off their pedestal.
I have a friend (girl) from Japan who is 40 years old and expects someone younger then her (mid 20s to late 30s), owns a home, good looking, healthy, and has no character flaws. She wants MR. Perfect with the white picket fence.
When she actually talks with someone, she has poor communication skills (not associated with language) and her expectations are causing her to hold on to an ideal she is likely not going to achieve. The only thing I can think of is she does not really want to get married.
When our expectations are not grounded in reality and someone is not even getting to know the person and just want someone to meet their fantasy, and we measure potential spouses to our expectations, I think we will encounter disappointed efforts.
10 points for run-on sentence award!!
[ May 13, 2004, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: Alexa ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
The study may be interesting, but the reporter’s summary is lame. Saying that if you have high expectations for your relationship you’d better also have good communication skills and be willing to forgive faults does not equal “lower your expectations.”
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
On a side note, most guys I date are much better looking than I am. Either I have a poor opinion of my own looks or there's more to the story than is in that article.
[ May 13, 2004, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by Alexa (Member # 6285) on :
Well said dkw! I agree. The content is interesting; however the reporter is either really bad at communication or is really lame.
quote: Over a seven year period, the married male had a 9% lower risk of dying compared with an unmarried one.
and
quote: The effect was less for women - reducing the risk of mortality by 2.9%.
True? Are men more needy or get a better deal in marriage?
[ May 13, 2004, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: Alexa ]
Posted by Magson (Member # 2300) on :
*thinks katharina looks beautiful in the pictures he's seen*
Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
She looks just fine in real life, too.
I can, without bias or ulterior motive, say that you definitely underestimate your own attractiveness, Kat.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
But, just to be safe, aim low. Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
Alexa, to answer your question, I think men are more needy, or perhaps more affected by the need because it's usually more internalized.
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
Good to see you living by your own advice, dear.
Posted by Alexa (Member # 6285) on :
My observation is that at the end of a relationship women tend to be more emotional at first, but women move on sooner. Men tend to be more mild at first, but men take longer to get over relationships.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
The best marriage advice that I came up with in a pun related thread is still pertinent.
Remember the Coach's favorite quote--There is no "I" in "Team"?
Well there is an "I" in Marriage.
There is also "M-E" in Marriage.
You know what is not in Marriage?
S-e-x
What does this mean?
It means that if you keep emphasising the "I" and the "Me", your spouce will keep emphasising the "No sex."
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Aw, thanks guys. *cheers*
--
Alexa, I hate to say it, but I think there's no doubt that according to every study I've seen and in my own experience, men are both more happy when married and more miserable when not. Also, it is also in my experience that men get over it sooner. They may hurt longer, but they just hurt while they are in their new relationship.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Dan, that reminds me of one of my favorite motivational sayings from the high school days: "There is no I in Teamwork. But there is an ewok."
Posted by Mike (Member # 55) on :
On the "being single worse than smoking" note, I wonder if they corrected for the possibility that healthier people are more likely to attract mates and marry. (I didn't read the article, though (tsk tsk), so maybe they addressed this.)
Edit: ok, I read the article. Doesn't look like they mentioned this.
[ May 13, 2004, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: Mike ]
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Of course men are happier when we are married.
Its a conspiracy.
Women work hard to make us unhappy when we are single.
*** ducks and runs out of the room ***
Posted by Alexa (Member # 6285) on :
quote: , I wonder if they corrected for the possibility that healthier people are more likely to attract mates and marry.
Why do you think unhealthy people are less likely to get married? I have never heard that and I don't even see anecdotal evidence that suggests it is true.
Posted by Mike (Member # 55) on :
quote:Why do you think unhealthy people are less likely to get married? I have never heard that and I don't even see anecdotal evidence that suggests it is true.
Well I could certainly be wrong. But general health is a large part of attractiveness. And most people need at least some attractiveness to get married. Just pointing out that the correlation that they found may not be entirely caused by the state of marriage.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
But Mike, the unhealthy people could marry each other.
Posted by Alexa (Member # 6285) on :
Unhealthy people may have more of a motivation to get married so they can share resources. It may be that unhealthy people actually marry more often because they lower their standards, marry each other, or are more desperate to marry.
Posted by Happy Camper (Member # 5076) on :
quote:Over a seven year period, the married male had a 9% lower risk of dying compared with an unmarried one.
This reminds me of another pseudo-statistic I heard once that married men live longer than unmarried men. And I heard an interesting theory from a guy I went to grad school with. His theory was that each person has a specific amount of fun allocated to be dispersed over the course of their life. Since unmarried men burn their fun at a higher rate than the married ones, the unmarried use theirs up more quickly and thus die at a younger age.
Ahem, not that I believe any of that hogwash.
Another grad school friend (female) rebutted this theory by claiming that married men have more sex overall than unmarried men, and that's why they live longer.
Buncha garbage if you ask me, but it was a fun debate to be a witness to.
-Mike
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote:Another grad school friend (female) rebutted this theory by claiming that married men have more sex overall than unmarried men
This, also according to every study I've ever read, is very, very true.
[ May 13, 2004, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by Magson (Member # 2300) on :
So Kat, are you saying we should get married and make sure that the study is correct? Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*blush* An offer like that, there's no way I could refuse. Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I think the secret is really that married men, are actually getting more exercise since they are having more sex, but also because their wives yell at them to get off their butts and mow the lawn take out the trash etc. This overcomes their [male] tendency as a body at rest to stay at rest. (Yes, Steve tried to tell me last night that resting inertia was an art form.) So even though they might grumble they are getting more exercise because they aren't allowed to fixate on their latest computer game as long.
AJ
[ May 13, 2004, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by UofUlawguy (Member # 5492) on :
I don't think that's why married men live longer.
My wife has threatened to kill me if I ever die on her. So I am determined to stay alive, out of fear.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Why would you be afraid of her killing you if you are already dead? Or does it mean she's going after your soul too?
AJ
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Damn skippy she is.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
I think U of U is right.
Marriage is "Until Death Do Part".
So its up to the wife to make us suffer as long as possible.
I really need to change names when I post these things. They will hurt my candidacy for Hatracademy Family Of The Year.
Posted by Mike (Member # 55) on :
quote:Unhealthy people may have more of a motivation to get married so they can share resources. It may be that unhealthy people actually marry more often because they lower their standards, marry each other, or are more desperate to marry.
I'll concede on this point, as I have no data to indicate one way or the other.
Posted by Happy Camper (Member # 5076) on :
quote:quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another grad school friend (female) rebutted this theory by claiming that married men have more sex overall than unmarried men --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This, also according to every study I've ever read, is very, very true.
O_o Okay, not quite the point I was going for. I wasn't debating the legitimacy of the quote, just the legitimacy of the conclusion. Anyway, I wonder if any of those studies you've seen actually subdivide the married and unmarried groups? I also might ask at what age did the studies start? If all males who die, say, before age 20 (arbitrary) are included, it would obviously skew the results. Not that I really wanted to lower the lightheartedness of the thread.
My personal theory is that married men tend to be coerced into healthier lifestyles on average. It also may have something to do with the issue that many unmarried men either have been forced out of the gene pool or are subconciously removing themselves from it due to a characteristic (be it genetic or otherwise) that makes them less healthy than the average married man.
Posted by Jacob Porter (Member # 31) on :
I read in Time magazine a while back that people that have sex more often have a lower incidence of heart disease. This could be because sex is good physical activity (200 calories) and sex promotes the secretion of the hormone oxytocin, which aids healing.
On another note, the difference between married and unmarried person's health could be accounted for by personality differences. I've read that unmarried people are more likely to be drunken and violent. This personality difference and others like it could be the cause of both worse health and the unmarried status. Don't expect to become more healthy simply because you get married.
Posted by aspectre (Member # 2222) on :
Men's diets are likely to be nutritionally poorer without a spouse. Men are also less likely to go to physician without a spouse to insist upon it, as well as less likely to follow a physician's instructions without reminder from the spouse.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
quote:Dan, that reminds me of one of my favorite motivational sayings from the high school days: "There is no I in Teamwork. But there is an ewok
I prefer "There is no I in teamwork. But there is a me if you rearrange the letters."
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
We've been together nearly five years and I still haven't been able to kick Steve's butt enough to make him go to the dentist. I've even enlisted the help of his mother, and nothing works.
He has gotten better about going to the doctor though when he's hacking up a lung. And there was the time I hauled him to the ER because he collapsed and was too weak to actually put up a decent protest though he still managed a decent glare. It turned out he had pneumonia and if his temperature had been one degree higher they wouldn't have let him out.
So maybe I have done him some good.
AJ
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
quote:Men's diets are likely to be nutritionally poorer without a spouse. Men are also less likely to go to physician without a spouse to insist upon it, as well as less likely to follow a physician's instructions without reminder from the spouse.
We're dumb that way. Not sure why.
Although, I eat much more healthily when I have someone to cook for. My fiancee, of course, always eats healthily. Her self-control is awe-inspiring.
Dagonee
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Actually, Aspectre, that was my wife's first thought.
Of course, I am the one that has to force her to go to the doctor.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Yeah, men are better off married because someone takes care of them. Which is really kind of irritating, because Dan_Raven's scenario is the exception. It rarely works the other way - the wife often has to take care of herself. If she's human enough to not go to the doctor when she needs to, she'll just die.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Well on the diet thing I'm the one that eats healthier because of Steve, since he is the cook in the house. Though the root of that problem is my overall cooking-impairment, that generally limits me to Lipton noodles and the like.
AJ
[ May 14, 2004, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
Being happy in marriage is all about being honest and being willing to communicate. Both are difficult, especially if you are hurt or angry. Being happy in marriage is all about believing your spouse really loves you, even when you're being a butt. It's about psychological safety.
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So THAT's what I've always done wrong.... my expectations are too high!![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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*cheers*![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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