I am sooo unbelievably sick of manipulation and hiding and god knows what else and this is the last straw.
We live in a nearly half-million dollar home in a very affluent area that we couldn't afford a week after we bought it. And yet for the past few months my father has had my mother on a weekly allowance. This sum is supposed to cover all food, gas, other necessities, and anything else that happens to come up during the week for all five of us. Most weeks there's just enough for food and gas. Mom took an extra 95 dollars last week to cover membership expenses for a savings club at a local chain-store. Father-dear found out and has now taken 95 dollars out of next week's allowance. We now are literally rationing out our food for the next week. Morgan (aka me) is considering bashing in her father's skull with a baseball bat.
I've been wearing the same pair of sneakers since my freshman year just because I don't want to add to the pressure already on my mother. For five years I've been getting at least 3 invitations a year to study abroad, etc, but I haven't once actually been able to because it would cost too much. I can never go out with my friends because doing so means there's less money for food at home. I've lent my own mother well over 200 dollars in the past few years - and I don't even have a job!.. Yet.
I'm mostly just venting here, but really...
GRRRRRRR! This is such BS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My father is such an *$# !!!!!!!!!!
[ June 07, 2004, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: Pixie ]
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
It sounds like somebody need to go out and get her own job.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Well, no. It sounds like somebody's family needs to consider moving to a cheaper house.
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
quote: Morgan (aka me) is considering bashing in her father's skull with a baseball bat.
Violence isn't the answer
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
If she's complaining that she doesn't have new shoes and doesn't have the money to go hang out with friends, then yes, she ought to get a job. But she already seems to realize that.
[ June 07, 2004, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: mr_porteiro_head ]
Posted by Pixie (Member # 4043) on :
1. I have an application for a local job all filled out and laying beside me at this moment. I just have to confirm my references and then I'm turning it in and getting interviewed.
2. My dad is ... my dad. There's no way he'd concider moving to a cheaper house. He's ... a very conscious or conspicuous consumer and the only one that really wanted the house we're right now in the first place (I wanted a town house but go figure).
3. No, but it's very tempting. Not something I like about myself, but the truth at the moment.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
I'm with Tom. If this house is really worth half a million, damn, sell it and live comfortably. Especially since you're moving out in, what, a year? All your mother really needs at that point is an apartment. You could make a bundle.
Posted by Zevlag (Member # 1405) on :
Kaioshin, I am sure she knows that.
(((Pixie)))
That really is too bad. It's hard, I know. I've been in somthing near the same situation before. But thank goodness for a father that really did care about my mother and us. It was hard, but it worked out.
*more hugs* It will all work out.
Posted by Pixie (Member # 4043) on :
Except that my mother hasn't been able to find work since her doctor ordered to stop because she was making herself sick by working so hard. And, I also have two younger brothers coming after me.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
I can't think of anything to say except for (((Pixie)))
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
What a f****d up situation....
Seems like your dad cares more about appearances then about actually living.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
*hugs* I know someone close to me who has been in a nearly identical situation. Sad to say the best you can do is grit your teeth and escape from home as soon as possible. Oh and realize you are going to have to work twice as hard with part time to get through college because if your father is earning too much even though it is going to the housing debt you aren't going to be able to get as many loans.
It sucks I know.
AJ
Posted by BlueJacsFan (Member # 6590) on :
I feel for you, Pixie. I've never understood why people try to live above their means just to keep up appearances. When the image puts constraints on buying the things you need, it's definitely time to swallow some pride and move on to something else.
Getting a job for yourself will help for the short term, at least in taking care of your own needs. But what happens when something goes wrong with the family car, and the family is faced with an unexpected expenditure? I'm sure, if you're rationing food, that there's probably not an emergency fund being maintained to cover such contingencies. Chances are, they'll be coming to you to help bail them out, and you'll still not be able to do the things you want to do.
Posted by Pixie (Member # 4043) on :
Yes, my "dad cares more about appearances then about actually living". 'Real great way to grow up .
"Grit your teeth and escape from home as soon as possible."
That would be the plan.
PS. Thanks a bunch for letting me vent. It's good to get it out now so it doesn't cause trouble later.
Edit: No. Any earnings I get from work are mine alone. I hate being selfish like that but... No. I will hide my money in a friend's car if I have to but... No - I'm going to live as much of my own life as I possibly can and my stupid "family" is NOT getting in the way any longer. I wish to god things were different, but they're not, so for now I will do what I can.
[ June 07, 2004, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: Pixie ]
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
Pixie, I'm so sorry. However, I'm glad that you realize that your father's behavior and concern about appearances is ridiculous. I'm sure it will be hard, but try not to take all of this on your shoulders. Just keep your head up and remember that sooner than you think you will be making all of your own decisions.
space opera
Posted by porcelain girl (Member # 1080) on :
my mother has a best friend who's father refused to live in a cheaper neighborhood. while she lived in a big nice house she had to take cold showers and didn't have electricity most of the time. and all the while her father was having affairs and cozy time with a bottle. it's such CRAP that some people would worry more about looking rich than actually living within their means.
now that best friend owns her own salon and makes over 100 thousand a year.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
(((((Pixie))))) Sucks! Glad you have both short-term (get a job) and longer-term (get OUT) plans worked out.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
Words fail.
You have suffered through so much. Sort of like being set on fire. Now all you have to do is stop the fire from consuming you .
And ((Pixie)) and...
-- why?
The words that make happy people sad and sad people happy: "This too will pass."
Good luck.
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
Well, there's also the possibility that Papa Pixie and Mama Pixie have the house leveraged to the hilt with second mortgages and can't sell it at this time.
Pixie, when your parents bought the house, were both of them working? The loss of one career in a two-income household can be devastating, especially if they locked into a budgetary situation based on that dual income.
Did your Mom ask your Dad before buying the membership? Perhaps he was firmly against it with the budget being tight, but she went ahead and did it.
Honestly, it sounds like you're hating your Dad for the money problems right now, but I'd be remiss to point out that he's out there trying to make a living for his family. And perhaps that too expensive house wasn't bought just for him. Understand?
And umm, about your Mom... it doesn't take much to grab a part time job and make up $95 a week. If less than $100 is what it takes to get your family to rationing food, perhaps she should be helping out more.
Posted by Pixie (Member # 4043) on :
"Well, there's also the possibility that Papa Pixie and Mama Pixie have the house leveraged to the hilt with second mortgages and can't sell it at this time."
Nope. Same great rates as before.
"Pixie, when your parents bought the house, were both of them working?"
Nope.
"Did your Mom ask your Dad before buying the membership?"
Talking with him is a waist of time and energy and just plain hurts. I wouldn't have. But then I wouldn't have stayed this long either. I'd rather be honestly poor than dishonestly living under a facade of wealth.
"Honestly, it sounds like you're hating your Dad for the money problems right now"
Among other things.
"I'd be remiss to point out that he's out there trying to make a living for his family."
He's been staying around the house for the past month or so working on home improvement projects. And I'd rather have a real dad than a bread-winner and nothing else.
"And perhaps that too expensive house wasn't bought just for him."
His idea. Mom tried to move out one week before the move here but he put all proceeds from the sale of our old home into his personal account.
"perhaps she should be helping out more."
She's responsible for EVERYTHING but money around here. She's done enough. She worked herself into illness and depression to make things easier for us and my dad treats her like dirt. She can't get a job. She's been looking for over a year. One employer actually told her no because she was over-qualified.
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
In that case, Pixie, I am truly sorry for the predicament you are in.
Someone had to play Devil's advocate here.
Posted by Pixie (Member # 4043) on :
::nods:: Danke. Sorry for snapping. I'm just... really honestly tired and sick of it all. Half of me wants to just go to sleep and wake up next year when it's all over. It's literally my first memory and, so close to the end, I'm having trouble waiting for the last of it.
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
Pix, have you ever sat down with your dad and just asked as simply as possible: "Dad, we're having some tough times around here, what's going on?"
You might not get the answer you want to hear, but it might set your heart a little bit better about how things are right now.
And a family works together through their problems. When they stop doing that, they stop being a family.
Posted by Pixie (Member # 4043) on :
Sop.... that's kind of the point ?
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Pix, I think I understand. I saw college as my Escape from my family. The summer after I graduated, I got a letter from the financial aid office of my college that said I was getting no aid.
Which meant I couldn't go.
I cried for hours.
My mother asked what was wrong. I could tell her the first part, but she wouldn't understand exactly why I was crying. It's like the light went off, and the escape was stopped, and I would be stuck forever.
It sucks. Keep your eye on the light and bolt when you have the chance.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
quote:No. Any earnings I get from work are mine alone. I hate being selfish like that but... No. I will hide my money in a friend's car if I have to but... No - I'm going to live as much of my own life as I possibly can and my stupid "family" is NOT getting in the way any longer. I wish to god things were different, but they're not, so for now I will do what I can.
This is a perfectly reasonable position. It's not like they're short of cash, assuming you have all the information. It is not your responsibility to enable an overconsumer.
At least he's overconsuming on the house, which should retain it's resale value, and not a roomful of junk that's worth a negative amount as soon as UPS drops it at the door. Doesn't help the immediate pain any, but at least the long-term damage is a little less.
I hope things work out for you.
Dagonee
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
This sounds a lot like someone I know. I see your dad as needing control. Right now, he can control you all with the lack of money. What more power over an American adult than putting them on a budget? And an inadequate budget, at that. I know what it is like to scrounge for money for milk. If my husband HAD the money, and I was scrounging, that would be wrong. Oooh. This makes me mad. I'm sorry, Pixie.
Posted by Pixie (Member # 4043) on :
'Just wanted to say thanks to you all. I simply needed a place to vent and find some understanding from cooler heads than my own. I'm feeling much better now.
[ June 07, 2004, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: Pixie ]
Posted by ak (Member # 90) on :
<<<<<Morgan>>>>>
Posted by A Rat Named Dog (Member # 699) on :
Wow. That's just awful. I can't imagine putting a bunch of money in a personal account that my wife counldn't access, unless she was some kind of pathological spendthrift or something (which she emphatically is NOT ... quite the opposite). How in the world can a marriage like that work? I mean, how can a guy persuade his wife to accept that kind of arrangement?
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
He has the money, she is mostly powerless, if he's got that tight a hold on it. where would she and her children live while she was filing for divorce?
Plus on a Doctor's advice she isn't supposed to work.
And she quite possibly still loves him despite his major flaws.
AJ
Posted by Richard Berg (Member # 133) on :
Most study abroad programs have cheaper tuition than at the home institution, if you don't go nuts with incidentals.
Anyway, sorry to hear your dad has wack priorities. Every family does to some extent. It just means you'll be forced to grow up a little faster -- not so fun now, but with good payoffs in the long run.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Hang in there, Pix. You do have a roof over your head, and you do at least have sneakers to wear. When you do start getting your own paycheck, don't overreact and just lock up every cent of it. If your parents aren't the best examples of money management, you can still learn to be. This is a difficult time, but count your blessings and think of all your potential.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
...so what are the payoffs?
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Payoff #1) not messing up your own life like your parents messed up theirs.
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
Well, you have to payoff your shrink, right?
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
If her mom leaves the house, she leaves the rights to the house in a divorce. She will be considered abandoning it. It is a lovely situation, especially for women in abusive relationships.(not implying that this is a physically abusive relationship)
At least, this has been the situation for friends of mine.
Dagonee?
Posted by skrika03 (Member # 5930) on :
I'm not a legal expert, but if you leave the abode (I'm not sure what all the technicalities are) then you are at fault if your state has at-fault divorce.
quote: And she quite possibly still loves him despite his major flaws.
Then she's sick.
I went through a long curve to come to terms with my parents relationship. They did ultimately divorce and I've made my peace with both of them. But I just want to say that in a relationship this diseased, seldom is only one parent to blame. The victimized parent gets some kind of secondary gain from being a victim.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
quote:If her mom leaves the house, she leaves the rights to the house in a divorce. She will be considered abandoning it. It is a lovely situation, especially for women in abusive relationships.(not implying that this is a physically abusive relationship)
At least, this has been the situation for friends of mine.
Dagonee?
All I can say is that ideally no one contemplating divorce would leave the house before consulting a lawyer. But there are too many variations, many of them involving life or death issues, for me to speak on this at all.
I haven't even taken family law (and probably won't, although I will take a domestic abuse seminar).
Dagonee
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
quote:Wow. That's just awful. I can't imagine putting a bunch of money in a personal account that my wife counldn't access, unless she was some kind of pathological spendthrift or something (which she emphatically is NOT ... quite the opposite). How in the world can a marriage like that work? I mean, how can a guy persuade his wife to accept that kind of arrangement?
I wondered about this, too, Geoff. A man giving his wife a monthly allowance just struck me as so condescending.
Glad you are feeling better, Pixie. Posted by AvidReader (Member # 6007) on :
quote: Mom tried to move out one week before the move here but he put all proceeds from the sale of our old home into his personal account
I wonder if that means mom's name wasn't on the title or if dad has pull down at the bank? If the house was in both names, the check would have been in both names. At least where I work, if I have a check with two names and only one on the account, especially for a large amount, I need the other person to come in with their ID and sign the check over. Unless person one plays golf with the manager. Then he'll sign off on anything.
quote: She's responsible for EVERYTHING but money around here. She's done enough. She worked herself into illness and depression to make things easier for us and my dad treats her like dirt.
quote: especially for women in abusive relationships.(not implying that this is a physically abusive relationship)
Unfortunetly, it sounds a lot like an emotionally abusive relationship. That means it has the potential to become physically abusive.
Pixie, the only hope I can give you is this: Despite all his flaws, your dad does love you. He may not show it well, but it is there. Be good to yourself, stay safe, but hold on to that.
Most people mellow as they age. Maybe you can have a better relationship with him somewhere down the road. You can never change him, so try to enjoy what is good about him. It sucks, but it's all you've got.
Posted by skrika03 (Member # 5930) on :
My mom got an allowance from my Dad, and while their relationship wasn't exemplary, I have read in marriage books that this isn't unheard of elsewhere. Though it may be a throwback to a former era. If it were an abundant amount, would it still in principle be wrong?
Posted by Richard Berg (Member # 133) on :
If the wife agreed to it (to help curb her spending, to make it easier to file taxes separately, because of a sexual fetish) then it's a fine practice no matter the amount. Put it this way, it's less likely to be a sign of relationship problems on its own than the ones in the codependency thread.
Posted by AvidReader (Member # 6007) on :
The way Pixie explained it, it sounds like mom does her fair share of the work. But for some reason she's not allowed to handle the money. From the bit with the house sale, it sounds like he is deliberately keeping it from her to control her.
If Pixie's portrayal is accurate, it sounds an awful lot like emotional abuse.
Edit: I agree with Richard. On its own, it's probably harmless. With the rest...
[ June 09, 2004, 07:29 AM: Message edited by: AvidReader ]
Posted by DocCoyote (Member # 5612) on :
Pixie, when I was a teenager, I was at the point of deciding whether rice or instant mashed potatoes would be the better dinner, because there was nothing else in the house. For my family, it was a power struggle that had gotten out of hand. My dad was not aware that finances had gotten to that point, because he didn't live with us, but was still the primary breadwinner. My mom had escaped emotionally, and was not home most evenings. Neither was aware of the basic necessity situation.
I'm not trying to equate this situation with yours, as it appears to be completely different. Does your dad know how close to the edge financially the family is? Or is your mom scrimping with everything else to give him the appearance she's keeping it together financially? If he doesn't know, he needs to. He needs to be eating the same meals you and your sibs are getting, and if he's satisfied that this constitutes taking care of you, then you at least have a firm basis to determine his motivations. It won't feel good either way, though.
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