Yes, you asked for it, you got it. The thread about being "behind bars."
This is a thread for baristers, though, not baristas. So, even though you might wish to express so many things about drinking IN bars, or making drinks behind bars, that is a different thread altogether. True, this is a thread about serving, but serving time, not brews.
And so, I know a few of you have a lock on this type of thing, so I'll just throw the Book at you (Bob's Giant Book of Puns of course) and cage my enthusiasm.
Sorry, that was a little off the cuff.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Law'da mercy! It fine-ally happened!
This thread may be the best yet, bar none!
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
<- I'll have what she's having!
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
assault with a pun? Bob, I know many a person who, after reading your pun threads, have said I should lock you up and throw away the key...
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
*takes the 5th*
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
He who takes a fifth on the fourth, will likely not go forth on the fifth.
Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
*clink*
Cheers!
Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
Let me in, mate!
Bob, what's this with another pun thread? Are you trying to cell me a pig in a poke(y) here? Celliously now.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
I'll be the judge of that. Surely you recognize the law of the land -- it's in my rights to argue my case in the court of public opinion.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I'll be keeping an eye on my posts so that I am not the one to kill this thread. I am loath to administer the lethal interjection.
Posted by Dead_Horse (Member # 3027) on :
It is too about mixing drinks behind bars....
Pass the pruno, please!
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Nessus was a real dummie. I was sick of him trying to tease me in his gavelly voice, so I took a stand and said, "It is so sad that you lack wit, Nessus."
[ June 22, 2004, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I've stopped doing awards, but punwit's "lethal interjection" was the most arrestingly funny comment I've read in days.
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
The competition wasn't really fair anyway, Bob has the forum wit title locked down.
Me, I'm just resisting the urge for some gallows humor.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Hang around.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Don't let Bob tell you what to do.
Just do as you pleads.
Posted by BlueJacsFan (Member # 6590) on :
I object. I'm just not sure how long any of these pun threads can be sustained. Of courts, many of the puns you guys come up with leave me with contempt. When the law students come in here though, don't expect me to bail you out!
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I understand that there are witches out there that have a potion guaranteed to help you beat any arrest. If you drink this potion prior to being apprehended your court case will fall apart due to improper questioning. I'm not sure but I have heard that the potion uses bats eyes and myrrh. I think the witches refer to it as the myrrhandeyes solution.
[ June 23, 2004, 07:39 AM: Message edited by: punwit ]
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Did you hear they arrested the confirmed bachelor? The charge--Contempt of Courting.
How about the arrest of the inventer of the portable electric spice rack. His charge--A Salt and Batteries.
Finally, the arrested the protesters burning their diplomas. The charge--Murder of their first degree.
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
Bob, you really slay me. If you didn't already have a ball and chain, I'd drag you before a judge so fast you'd be seeing bars...I mean, stars.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I'm going to go against the popular opinion in this post. It seems like the mandate (<-serious irony) of the day is bashing men. I'm here to sing their praises. I'm here to say men are wonderful, smart, sensitive, talented .... the list goes on and on. I'm afraid the law will be on me soon for this transgression. I even know what the charge will be, voluntary mans lauder.
Posted by SirReal (Member # 5257) on :
You've surely shackled me with this prison pun thread. But Bob, Judge not, lest you be Judged for every man deserves a fair trial. Can all these objections be sustained? or is it Light's out for this thread?
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
There is a terrible tradition in England of taking leftover fish parts and making fish tea. It is so disgusting. No one will believe me, I know, but just take a whiff, and In a Scent I will prove there is Gill Tea.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Do any of you have a close friend or relative that keeps animals in their house? I have some friends that keep pets in their house year round. What I hate is the flea bites. What is even worse is their (the dog or cat owners) assertion that the house is devoid of biting critters. I've even had them accuse me, indirectly of course, of bringing the biting creatures in. I've had it. I'm filing charges the next time this happens. I know there has to be a "Fleaing and Alluding" charge.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
My uncle claimed to be one of the most seasoned professionals in the court system. He was the bay leaf.
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
"You're honors, if I may address the blue-ribbon panel on behalf of my client?"
*gestures at worm*
[ June 22, 2004, 11:34 PM: Message edited by: fallow ]
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Did you hear about the golfer that was convicted of cheating? He was sentenced to life without par hole.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Michael Landon was in television prison, having not found work since Little Joe. Fortunately, he received the Pa Role.
I'm sorry I've been delinquent in my duties on this thread. I'll have to plead for your pardon, as I've already spent too much time on the 'Rack.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
What do they charge people with who stay up too late on Hatrack when they should be sleeping? Resisting a rest.
The man was shipping sick raptors across state lines. He was charged with Ill Eagle Trafficking.
There was a diva look-alike contest on Fox, but the panel was incomplete. There was no J-Lo contender.
Michael and his brother studied for a movie set in Las Vegas by working in a casino at a blackjack table. They were known as the Co-Cain dealers.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Harry Potter better be careful if he ever goes to prison and takes his Qudditch gear - they're pretty hard on snitches there.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Victoria Secret's model Amy was going down the runway in a new signature pair of panties, when she tripped, fell, and uttered a very loud "F&^%!" These panties will forever be known as the Amy Cuss Briefs.
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
Indulging in Voluntary Man's Laughter even as we speak...
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
ie--giggling like a little girl.
You will never find a nudist lawyer. They don't go anywhere without their breifs.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I got tired of squatting on property I didn't have the rights to, so I took out a lease on an apartment. I now have a legal pad.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Lessee, that reminds of the landlord that had a couple of haunted houses. He was the lessor of two evils.
[ June 23, 2004, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: Dagonee ]
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
This thread seems the ideal place to preview my idea for a new cookbook that I would like to compile. I'm thinking that convicted law breakers need a cookbook. We have cookbooks for many other facets of society so why not ex or current cons. I've already picked the title, Convictuals.
I've already thought of a few entries and I would welcome any thoughts you all have as well. Of course if any of your suggestions are accepted you will be suitably recompensed.
Chapter 1 Killer Cereal.
Chapter 2 Poaching Anything
Chapter 3 Slicing and Dicing
Chapter 4 Mastering Intense Grilling
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Well, I have this friend named Nin who has trouble winning at tennis, EVER. I played a set with him last weekend. We played seven games, and, miracle of miracles, Nine won one!!
edited to add two important "e's"
[ June 23, 2004, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Chapter 5: Death by Chocolate
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Chapter Six: Whipped potatoes. Chapter Seven: Poached eggs Chapter Eight: Beaten batter
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Chapter 9: The Appeal of the Apple
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Elizabeth, Would Chapter 8 be better "served" as "Battery and how to Beat it"?
Posted by BlueJacsFan (Member # 6590) on :
Chapter 10: Flim-flambet
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Punwit: No, because it is beat 'n' batter.
BJF: ha ha!
[ June 23, 2004, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
Posted by SirReal (Member # 5257) on :
Chapter 9:Man's Larder:Killer Bachelor Recipes
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Chapter 12: How to Keep Cool in the Cooler
edit: Sir Real, change your chapter number.
[ June 23, 2004, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Chapter 13: The Joy of Booking
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
My erudite neighbor tells me that I may be able to conscript a guest Lecter. Hannibal will be available to answer questions on Chapter 2 Slicing and Dicing as well as dinner etiquette. His featured topic will be; Entree, Making Guests Welcome for Dinner Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Apparently there was some error in translation. The afforementioned topic should be, Entree, Making Welcome Guests for Dinner Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
Chapter 14. Table Settings -or- What to do with all those plates?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Chapter 15: Steak Out!
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
Chapter 16. Table Manners - by Miss Demeanor
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Chapter 17: Bread Chapter 18: And Water Chapter 19: Stollen
I have to say, this cookbook idea is gruel and unusual punishment.
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
Chapter 20. Baking with Finesse - flour, files and freedom.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Chapter 21 Master Key Lime Pie (Authored by Frank Morris) Chapter 22 Chop Shop Suey
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Chapter 23 Pleading the Fifth, Matching Licquors with Your Entree's.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Chapter 24: Coffee Grounds for a Rest
[ June 24, 2004, 07:37 AM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Chapter 25: Apples: A Peel to the Core.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Chapter 26: Safe Crackers Chapter 27: Get Away Carbs! Foods to Eat While on the Lamb.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I have no wish to derail the compilation of the Convictuals cookbook but I have a question for everyone. I'm sure you've all seen or read about cases where someone that has AIDS and is aware of that fact continues to have unprotected sex with many uninformed partners. Wouldn't this type of behaviour result in charges of "aiding and abedding"?
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Chapter 28 Tips On Preserving Leftovers Or How to Avoid a Bad Wrap
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
How to keep warm when sleeping on the street: A bum wrap.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
You heard they're making wearable computers? They're having a terrible time debugging the ones built into hair extensions. It seems the normal bugs are getting help from a Comp Lice.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I've often heard that most convicts protest their innocence. Obviously a goodly number of them are lying under oath. Decisions on their truthfulness are handled per jury.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I have to admit that I am a bit ashamed to post this entry for the Convictuals cookbook. You know what they say, "The Devil made me do it"
Chapter 29 Cornhole on the Cob
[ June 26, 2004, 06:53 AM: Message edited by: punwit ]
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I also considered a chapter called Foul Filling, How to Stuff A Bird but I received feedback from British cons indicating that this topic conjured up too many painful memories.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Did you hear about the European rube with marginal skills in English? Apparently he heard the term docket at his arraignment and was excited because he thought he was being paid for his appearance.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
punwit!
Don't go there. Literally, don't go there!
This thread is my favorite release.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Chapter 30: In-Car Serrated: How to Sharpen Bread Knives While Driving
[ June 26, 2004, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Chapter 31 Proper Serving Technique (A Guide to Jailhouse Etiquette)
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I'm recalling an episode related to me by a friend by the name of Tory. He was involved in an underage consumption of alchohol episode years ago. Apparently he and a buddy were slamming the brews quite heavily and cruising. The buddy had an open beer when the cops pulled them over. Steve, Tory's friend, slammed the beer and shoved the can under the seat. The cop was at the window when Steve inadvertantly regurgitated his recently guzzled beer. The cop looked at Tory and said...."That evidence is hardly ex gulp eh Tory?
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I understand that many hatrack members are heading to Chicago for Kamacon. I want to caution them to be on their guard especially when riding the El. I hate to stoop to racial profiling but you should be vigilant for suspicious looking Jews. Apparently the Chicago authorities are hot on the trail of a Jew El thief.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
This one is for Space Opera.
I heard about a Kentucky prosecuter that brought charges against a backwoods denizen that he had a feud with. He told the judge that the suspect was being charged for burning coal. The judge wanted to know what exactly the charges were and the prosecuter said, "Judge, everbody know that coalusion is a felony crahm."
[ July 02, 2004, 08:10 PM: Message edited by: punwit ]
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Racial profiling has been in the headlines alot recently. I gotta say that male African Americans have the definitive example of the misuse of profiling. Jeez, they even have a crime that specifically targets them: BlackMail.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I understand that convicts have found a new way to irritate one another and advance their rep. I guess that inmates are trying to seduce the wives of other inmates. It's called connedjurgal visits.
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