This is topic Your honor? Your honor? (This is a very explicit onanism thread. Be warned!) in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.
There are only about a million jokes that could spring from this accusation...
[ June 26, 2004, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: Alucard... ]
Posted by Jalapenoman (Member # 6575) on :
So now we know what really goes on underneath those robes!
Here comes the judge!
I would post a few more comments, but I won't beat a dead horse.
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
Not for the squeamish, eh?
quote: "conduct constituting an offense involving moral turpitude in violation of the Oklahoma Constitution,"
Gives new meaning to "sitting on the bench".
Posted by Shepherdess (Member # 6115) on :
EEEWWWWWW!!!!
That made me sick to my stomache Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
You're sure that this thread shouldn't have some kind of onanism warning?
Posted by Shepherdess (Member # 6115) on :
I'm sure his court reporter would have liked to have some kind of warning--that poor woman!!
(How do you record something like that, anyway?)
Posted by Suneun (Member # 3247) on :
I'm certainly not convinced this is true. There's a good possibility that it's a ridiculous claim.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
The first thoughts that came to mind were:
[In the voice of Johnny Cochran] "If the pump don't fit, you must acquit".
And,
This brings a whole new meaning to the term "getting off on a technicality".
This furthur proves that the truth is stranger than fiction, although these are just allegations at this point...But I have a guess as to what Exhibit A is going to be in this case
Note: Thread title updated by request by Erik and for the sake of our squeamish Jatraqueros.
[ June 26, 2004, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: Alucard... ]
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
This judge is known for his rigid interpretation of the law.
Wait, he fired his court reporter for reporting him? Um, hello! Judge, she's a court reporter. She reports!!! Duh!
All rise!
I wonder if habitual offenders would get a break from this guy?
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
He's ruled by his head, that's for sure.
Don't get him started banging the gavel.
A side bar with the judge? Nah, he brought his own.
He's an upstanding member of the community.
Careful -- if you disrespect him in his own court, he's gonna blow.
*holds head in hands, moaning
[ June 26, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: ClaudiaTherese ]
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Thank you Bob! I started this thread with an appearance from you first and foremost in my mind.
As far as his fate, I am afraid he will suffer from a hung jury...
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Hung juries never reach a climax.
Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
Sapulpa is about 30 miles from me. I've seen several interviews with the women who witnessed his behaviour. All I can say is: EWWWWW!!! link
[ June 26, 2004, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: Boon ]
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Now let's not act like a lynch mob and erect a gallows! Do you want to render justice impotent?
Semens to me there might be more to this.
Let's all sit back and see what else comes out.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
CT,
We have a miniscandal involving 2 judges, a doctor, and some drug charges, but nothing like this.
In his own defense, I am sure he has a handle on his own case. But whenever I imagine him having a subpoena on the docket, I just feel dirty all over and need to shower.
A forced deposition would be intrinsically worse... Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Rumor has it that he is a lenient judge, and rarely throws the book at someone, but that is because he rarely has a free hand...
Somebody stop me... Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Now I see how justice is blind in his case...!
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
I think y'all might be indulging in premature ejaculations of guilt, here.
The guy probably feels terrible and is beating himself over this. He's probably engaging in self-abuse right this minute.
If this goes to far, he might be looking at serving time in a penile institution!
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Last book he threw at someone had a centerfold.
I hear they're offering him a medical leave of absence. Seems he's developed a bad case of carpal tunnel syndrome.
Is no-one going to mention the stiff sentences he imposes? He's on record as being in favor of public flogging.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I wonder how many murderers he has condomed to death?
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Your honor, I motion for less motion. Your honor?
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
sndrake, we are practically the Gemini twins with our register numbers being so close. All hail, my Brother!
Hi liz!
If this case goes to trial, there will be no trouble getting gag orders from the jurors. In fact, they may have to impose a "no gag" order to stop the gag gifts and horrible jokes.
[ June 26, 2004, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: Alucard... ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
His defenders have pointed out his reputation as a hard working jurist who handles himself well in every situation.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
D'OH!! Just realized CT got to that joke first!
Hi, Alucard!
[ June 26, 2004, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
You are all being too hard on this poor man.
Posted by Taalcon (Member # 839) on :
Perhaps he was tired of his reputation as an old softy?
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Taalcon, stop trying to butter up the judge!
(ew. sorry for that one)
Posted by Taalcon (Member # 839) on :
Ain't touchin' that with a ten foot pole.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Gotta feel sorry for the guy in a way.
Can't even get any car maintenance done.
When he comes to a service station and asks
"Can I get a lube job?"
The mechanics just laugh hysterically.
(He has similar luck trying to find someone to clean his chimney. It could be he'll just have to do it himself.)
Hey, Alucard!
Your "Gemini" remark reminded me of this:
quote:THE MAN WHO GOT NO SIGN
There was Gemini Jim and Scorpio Sal They was livin' by the Golden Gate Freezin' their nose and wearin' leather clothes And dealin' every way but straight. They had a Leo dog and a Capricorn cat, And everything was goin' fine 'Till into their life on a starless night Come the man who got no sign.
quote:The Gemini character: Gemini will always get what they want because they are masters of deceit and flattery. They love being unfaithful and are always deliberately late for a date but expects you to be punctual. They turn being selfish into an art form and will make you spend all your money so they can save their own. Sometimes they can be good listeners but only because they want to hear every juicy bit of gossip that may prove useful to their schemes. Should not join the police force but make excellent actresses, salespeople, and pizza delivery boys.
[ June 26, 2004, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
From my friend Trevor: It's nice to know he gets pumped during a trial.
and yet another: I wonder if the Judge manages to keep a wooden expression?
[ June 26, 2004, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: Megan ]
Posted by Jalapenoman (Member # 6575) on :
If he heard a porno trial, would he conduct it incamera?
He fired his court reporter for cooperating with the authorities....does this mean she wasn't cooperating with him?
My wife read the thread. Her comment on the judge was "What a jerk!"
This whole thing gives new meaning to the phrase undercover.
When this judge enforces the accused rights to a quick and speedy trial, is he really just pulling a fast one?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
It takes a firm hand to meat out justice.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
You know...I've heard convicts say things like "that judge was whack!" Now this guy comes along and proves them right!
Planting the seed of doubt.
Funny, his little euphemism for it is "filing a brief." Isn't that just precious?
LOL
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
quote: It takes a firm hand to meat out justice.
Bob, this one had me cackling out loud like a madman, and I think my staff is beginning to worry about me.
Let's just hope this whole thing peters out and he is able to avoid the long arm of the law.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Well, Bob, it's not the only legally-related euphemism for the judge's alleged activities.
At least, not according to a website I found. The following is composed almost of euphemisms that allegedly serve the same purpose:
The defendant was accused of aiding and abetting a known felon. His defense was he was only exercising his right to privacy. He was invited to make a plea but just blew his own horn.
Things got ugly when he choked the sheriff and waited for the posse to come. But the posse was busy cleaning its rifles. The judge ended up calling in the secret service.
The judge was furious. He was used to people stretching the truth and taking the fifth, but this guy was hoisting his own petard.
The defendant was sent to prison to stew in his own juices.
(To be honest, most of these are not euphemism's I or anyone I know has ever used. But the site says they're real, so it has to be true, right?)
[ June 26, 2004, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Oops, looks like I'm a bit of a johnny come lately, all the good jokes have been used.
You suppose the pump can help him keep a stiff upper lip whilst his reputation is dribbled away.
I wonder if he fears some young ramrod of an attorney will force his hand?
You think he is worried that the judge assigned to his case will be some old stiff that has lost his starch?
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Even with soaring gas prices, this gives "Paying at the pump" a whole new meaning. Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
He sure has put a stain on the judiciary.
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
While this has certainly been a prickly affair, we can all agree this story has been a low blow for the Judicial System.
The Judge has made several motions over his briefs.
Makes you wonder about his whole even-handed approach to justice.
-Trevor
Edited for worse puns
[ June 27, 2004, 04:16 AM: Message edited by: TMedina ]
Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
Sure, everyone's all hot and bothered about the reporter having to witness this jerk, but the baliff must've seen it, too.
Does nobody care how the cop feels?
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Good point, Frisco. Perhaps the cop should just pull the jerk off the stand.
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
I don't know what the Baliff thinks, but the Judge has already copped a feel.
-Trevor
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I'm surprised you all are making jokes, given the importance of this issue.
This could be a seminal decision!
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Are you inseminating we don't take it seriously?
-Trevor
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
*flees*
Posted by suntranafs (Member # 3318) on :
You are all very very sick ****ers. My little brother would probably apreciate this thread, as he has a sense of humor. Me on the other hand, HAHAHAHA *Puke!*. Oh and did I mention that you are all very very... oh yeah I did... Anyway, folks, I'm taking a little trip to the hospital, send me some get well cards- you owe me that Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Are you OK?
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Anyway, folks, I'm taking a little trip to the hospital, send me some get well cards- you owe me that
Is this for real? What's up? I hope it's nothing serious!!!
Get well soon...
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
By the way, I just read that Animal Planet network has offered this guy a slot in their new court TV show. They needed someone who could decide whether it was time to pet the snake or spank the monkey.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Bob,
From recent accounts he has had several commercial opportunities, including one with Wisk laundry detergent, for that "pesky ring around the" oh...nevermind. Wrong ring.
Posted by suntranafs (Member # 3318) on :
No for gosh sake it was a joke. Sorry guys, I knew my jokes were dumb but I didn't realize they were that dumb. Thanks anyway.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
That is OK, Suntranafs, the judge will not hold it against you, he will take it out on himself.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Speaking of confessions, if he doesn't confess, they might just have to beat it out of him.
Posted by Jalapenoman (Member # 6575) on :
Bob, you missed a few in your animal planet thread, as he could also be asked to pet the weasel or choke the chicken.
If he is removed from the bench and gets a job in a butcher shop, will he be required, as part of the tenderizing process, to beat the meat?
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
One of my favorite nasty references was from Bocaccio. There was a story of a priest(or monk, can't remember)He would have young women help him "put the devil back in hell."(I think that was it)
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
I think this judge is the kind of guy who will just move on with his life. Probably figures there's no use in crying over spilt seed.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Liz, since you've brought religion into it, I can now remind everyong that it is also called "flogging the bishop."
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
I am afraid we are milking this topic for all its worth.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Then again, there is plenty of hard evidence.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
A double post - proof of your swolen head.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
I was fearing that my own Hubris might catch some unwanted attention with that double post, but I guess I am hard up for my post count to rise, so I felt compelled to erect some means of inflating my stats artificially...
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
In other words, Alucard, my bro, you were trying to pump yourself up.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Come, now, no need to be harsh.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Pull-eeze... Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I thought that's what the judge was doing...
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
No, Dag. Everyone's all confused on this. See, the judge got irritated when a defense attorney dumped a pile of rocks on the bench to be offered in evidence, obstructing the judge's view. Everyone overreacted when the judge started getting his rocks off so he could focus on the courtroom.
[ June 27, 2004, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I thought it happened during the trial about the raquetball player. When his equipment was introduced into evidence, the judge saw the blue balls and decided to do something about it.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
quote:In other words, Alucard, my bro, you were trying to pump yourself up.
Hello my fellow twin! Wonder twin powers unite!
But as far as getting pumped up, I sell drugs that do that.
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
You people are geniuses.
GENIUSES.
Posted by Anthro (Member # 6087) on :
You know, in his old age he's probably kinda afraid people won't respect him. Maye he always need to get pumped before he can even go out there.
Eh, that stunk.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote:I thought it happened during the trial about the raquetball player.
Well, unlike other judges, this one probably doesn't demand that unruly people in the courtroom keep the raquet down.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
No, he's pretty easy-going when he's serving justice.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Actually, I bet he just gets off with community service and a slap on the wrist.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
His lawyer's trying to have him tried as a juvenile.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
If he onan's up to his crime, he'll probably get probation.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Are you sure that won't be hard time?
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
This thread is actually making me blush!! You're all sickos!!! And I like it...
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Like I said, probation. With mandatory self-improvement courses.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Would those courses involve manual labor?
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Or at least hard labor of some kind?
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I think they'd be more about acceptable ways to relieve frustration.
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Perhaps some sort of support group or anger management?
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This thread is actually making me blush!! You're all sickos!!!