Yes, I know she (my girlfriend) can see this, but it's nothing new.
I just feel like venting.
See, her mother actually likes me a lot.
But for some unknown reason she refuses to let Christina see me during the summer. (She lives in NY, I live in DC) I went to her house once about a month ago, and she came to DC a few weeks ago. We were planning on having it where she was going to come back down to see me on both this weekend as well as the weekend of August 1st, and I was going to stay with her after driving back to NY from Kamacon. Her mom had OK'd the staying with them after Kamacon quite some time ago, and my Dad was on the verge of buying a plane ticket out of albany to Santa Fe today, since my plans were to meet up with my family in Santa Fe, leaving from my gf's.
But for some unknown stupid reason my Christina's mother thinks that we should only see each other at school, and has now put the limit on that she can either come down August 1st, or I can stay after Kamacon. Nothing more.
I've tried to think of some rational explanation for this, but have failed. If both of us have the financial means to see each other during the summer, and want to see each other during the summer, there's no reason that her mother should be able to decide how much we can see each other.
Posted by ak (Member # 90) on :
<<<<<<<<<<Noah>>>>>>>>>>> I hope you work out a way to get together soon.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
quote: I've tried to think of some rational explanation for this, but have failed.
That is because her mother has an irrational fear or concern that this decision is based upon. Hang in there and remember that good things are worth waiting for. I once had to spend 4 months apart from my wife in between a move from Illinois to Pennsylvania, and she remained behind to tidy up and sell the house. That was hard. I hope phone-calls, emails, and chat are able to ease your burden, bud, and hope things work out for the best.
[ July 22, 2004, 07:36 PM: Message edited by: Alucard... ]
Posted by Rockmuffin (Member # 6683) on :
It has been very difficult for me to understand my mother's logic... or lack there of. I realize that I am her youngest, but it just is very difficult and it hurts because she is very fickle. She has allowed my sister to stay at her boyfriend's summer appartment when he was interning at MIT for a week... she has allowed my sister to do many things that make me feel that she puts more trust in her... although she has never shown to be a very responsible young woman. I don't believe my mother favors my sister, maybe she just has this image of me as the small fat child she once had. I need some help in understanding her, has anyone experienced a similar situation? I already know that this is my last summer home. I'll probably either work at school next summer, or attend a summer music progam either interning or as a student. If I do this though, I'm afraid that she might pull her financial support out for my education. I don't plan on telling her: "thanks for the past eighteen years mom, but now I'm leaving home for good." I want to leave her on good terms, and perhaps I should wait till the middle of the year to tell her. Help... Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
You need to find a summer job that's an "opportunity," like an internship or research opportunity. Show her you've thought of everything, including where you'll stay and how you'll come out financially ahead even with the extra living expenses of not living at home for the summer.
It may not work, but at least then you'll know it's emotion not logic and you can react accordingly.
Dagonee *Highly experienced with a fickle mother.
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Feh. Analysis deleted.
I hope it works out for you.
-Trevor
Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
She didn't happen to see any of the WenchCon pictures, did she? That might explain a lot. Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
I guess you could try communicating in "I" messages. Like "I feel afraid and insecure when you change your mind about things." "I feel belittled".
"I feel you don't trust me" doesn't quite work for some reason. Try to keep the focus on the damage she is doing to her relationship with you, and not whether she approves of Noah. (Since she'll say "I like Noah, I never said I didn't. I'm just thinking of what is best for you...") Also don't insist that you know best what is best for you, this always makes parents laugh inside. Just concentrate on your feelings.
P.S. Ditto with the history on your siblings. It won't be relevant in her mind. If she doesn't treat you the way she has previously treated you, why will that history matter to her? I don't know if it will work. It's just all I can think of.
[ July 22, 2004, 08:38 PM: Message edited by: pooka ]
Posted by Ben (Member # 6117) on :
you are not alone with your girls mom being the devil. i can relate. but for slightly different reasons, but the evilness is still there.
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
It isn't evil. More than likely, Mom is dealing with the prospect of an empty nest she isn't quite ready for, issues of her baby possibly having sex (and she really doesn't want to think about that), and possibly her own subconscious issues that unfortunately spill over to her relationship with her daughter.
Love her, give her some slack, and as mentioned above, use a lot of tactful I messages.
Posted by Taalcon (Member # 839) on :
Is it just me, or do I remember a similar thread from you claiming someone else's parents were hellspawn as well?
Posted by CalvinMaker (Member # 2032) on :
Dave, that was because one of my best friend's parents wouldn't let her see me anymore. We were never dating though. Different kind of issue, considering Christina and I are dating, and also considering Christina's mom isn't banning us from seeing each other, just limiting how much we can.
Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
I think my boyfriend feels that way about my mother, too. Mostly it's the fact that I'm nineteen and about to go to college and have a midnight curfew. I can understand on one level.However they almost allowed my sixteen year old brother to bike fore LA to San Diego with a 23 year old female grad student, and only pulled back because her dad was against the idea; and I had to fight to get my curfew extended until 1 the one day my boyfriend's home this summer, it sort of bugged me.
Overall my parents are cool though, they're letting me go to KamaCon. Posted by policyvote (Member # 3044) on :
My wife and I went through a very simliar thing. Her senior year of high school (my freshman year of college), we'd been dating for almost two years. While in their house, her parents would not allow us to be in her room together for any length of time (actually, this is still the case).
However, during that year's Christmas break, her older sister's boyfriend came over and spent the night in her room for five straight days. Like, he just came over and moved in for the lion's share of a week. Now her sister is only two years older than we are, and we were pretty upset about the situation. We didn't end up confronting her parents about it until later in the year, when they found out we were having sex. Her mom was really upset, and when we pointed out that her sister and boyfriend had been having their own private screw-a-thon just down the hall a few months earlier, her mother was positively taken aback! She insisted that nothing untowrd had been going on . . . which was preposterous.
I don't know, our relationship always scared them. We were always too serious, too fast for their liking. I guess in some ways they were right--I mean, now we're married, with our first child due in a couple of months . . .
But hey, we were right, too--we said we were serious, and we certainly were! It all worked out in the end; this sort of thing is just part of that horrible child -> adult transition.
Peace policy
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
quote:her parents would not allow us to be in her room together for any length of time (actually, this is still the case).
...
...now we're married, with our first child due in a couple of months . . .
Man, they're strict!
Dagonee
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
Ack, sorry Blacwolve. Seems like you got caught up in the dreaded double standard.
Noah, do you live at home, or on your own?
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
I think the double standard always tends to fall along gender lines.
-Trevor
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
You know, she may just be thinking that things are going too fast for her comfort, as misguided as that may or may not be.
I wouldn't read TOO much into it. It's not worth destroying familial relations over a matter of degree, IMO.
-Bok
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
At least she's telling you she doesn't want you there now. A previous demon girlfriend mother decided that she wasn't spending enough quality time with her daughter and, consequently, I'd have to leave. Nevermind that it was February and I didn't have anywhere to go. 3 cold days on the streets of Toronto later my uncle came back from vacation and I moved in with him for the rest of my break.
What a quality mom!
Posted by MaydayDesiax (Member # 5012) on :
Hey, Noah! I have a quite similar problem: I just handled it differently.
When I asked for permission to go up to see Bernard--although he's paying for EVERYTHING--I was told no. I'm 19, going to college, and their excuse was that they were paying for everything for college, so I had to follow their every order.
My response? Got a loan and told Bernard to buy the ticket.
Now, normally I would have said, "sorry, can't do it", but the thing of it is: I don't know when I'll see my fiancee again.
So yeah... Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Heh.
Fiancee? Um...yeah. Sorry, your parents are so out of line.
-Trevor
Posted by CalvinMaker (Member # 2032) on :
quote:
Noah, do you live at home, or on your own?
I live at home.
Posted by Starla* (Member # 5835) on :
Oi! This thread is a comfort.
I was just told on Saturday I was no longer allowed to see my boyfriend, who happens to be 4 years my junior. Neither one of us is handling this well, and since I am now a college graduate (albeit, one without a working car), I am trying to wait for the car to get fixed, find a job, and move out ASAP.
Funny. I'm getting b**ched at because I'm around people "too young," when last year, I was told not to see a guy that I was dating who was 28.
Never can I make them happy. Well, to hell with them. I'm going to make me happy.
This was the story in a nutshell. I feel for everyone who has posted in this thread with a similar story.
This kind of crap has happened to me since I was 16 years old. I turn 23 in two months. ((((everybody))))
Posted by Dobbie (Member # 3881) on :
Try and date girls, Starla.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
Aw yeah, Kama.
I've never understood why people worry about pleasing their parents so much. Her mother can lay down all the laws she likes -- you're not dating her. And especially if you're both 18 or over, I don't see why you pay attention to her decrees. Just go see your girlfriend.
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
(psst, Lalo, you're not a girl)
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
No, I'm a lady.
And if your oh-so-subtle hint to Starla means that I'll be forced to give up our love everlasting for the sake of knowing you two are getting it on, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. No! No, shh, my love, it's just who I am. A giver. A generous soul here to sacrifice and make the world a little better than it was before he entered it. How far off can canonization be, I wonder...?
Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
Parents pay college bills, I do what parents say. It's really very simple.
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Snicker. Nobody disputes that Blac - we're just sharing the "it sucks and misery loves company" stories.
As for Starla - yeah, well. It's not like you needed extra incentive to find a job, buy a car and move out - but it helps.
![[Wall Bash]](graemlins/wallbash.gif)
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[Cry]](graemlins/cry.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
That might explain a lot. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)