Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."
-----------------------------------
A delegation from his native Georgia leaves Stalin's office after an hourly meeting. Stalin realizes that he cannot find his pipe and calls Dhzierhzynsky to find out if anyone from the delegation took his pipe. After 30 minutes Stalin finds the pipe under the table and calls Dhzierhzynsky to let the delegation go. Dhzierhzynsky answers Stalin's call: "I am sorry Comrade, but one half of the delegation already admitted that they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."
---------------------------------------
'Who's your father?' the teacher asked Vanya.
'Comrade Stalin!'
'And who's your mother?'
'The Soviet native land!'
'And what do you want to become?'
'An orphan!'
------------------------------
Question: Why is it that Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?
Answer: During Lenin's time, the Soviet Union was still only ankle-high in s***. ------------------------------- It is reported that when Churcill met Stalin at Yalta they discussed about their hobbies. Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell about me". "That's a coincidence - said Stalin, - I collect the people who tell jokes about me!" -----------------------
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Those are terrrible :tries not to laugh:
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Do you have any more, or are you just stalin for time?
oops, it appears that I'm russian you.
Posted by Yozhik (Member # 89) on :
Stalin is giving a speech in a small auditorium. During a pause, someone in the audience sneezes. Looking up, Stalin asks,
"Who sneezed?"
Noone answers. Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows of people outside, where they are executed. Stalin then asks,
"Now, who sneezed?"
Again, noone answers. Again, Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows outside. Shots are heard. Again, Stalin asks,
"Now! Who sneezed??"
A small, bespectacled man in the second row raises his hand and says,
"Um, I did, comrade."
To which Stalin replies,
"Bless you."
... and then continues his speech.
Posted by Yozhik (Member # 89) on :
But my favorite Soviet jokes are "Radio Armenia" jokes. These are told in the format of questions to and answers by a fictitious Radio Armenia. (Why Armenia? I dunno.)
Question: "Is it possible to build socialism in Switzerland?"
Radio Armenia answers: "It's possible, but why? What did Switzerland ever do to you?"
Question: We have heard about Cognac. What is it?
Radio Armenia answers: It is a luxurious drink enjoyed by the people through their official representatives.
Question: "What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?"
Answer: "In a capitalist society man exploits man, and in a socialist one, the other way around."
Question: What is the greatest achievement of the Soviet agriculture?
Answer: Sowing in the USSR and harvesting in America.
Question: Is it possible to sleep with an open window?
Answer: Yes, it's possible if there is nobody else to sleep with.
Question: My husband cheated on me so many times that I just don't know who is the father of my kids. What shall I do?
Answer: Be magnanimous and forgive your husband.
Question: We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon. Then, what is a horizon?
Answer: Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.
Question: What is an exchange of opinions?
Answer: When you walk into your boss's office with your opinion and walk out with his.
Question: Why is our government not in a hurry to land our men on the moon?
Answer: What if they refuse to return?
Question: What would happen if socialism were built in the Sahara?
Answer: After fifty years, they'd run out of sand.
Question: Is there life on other planets?
Answer: Nope, not there either.
Question: What is permitted and what is prohibited?
Answer: In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited.
In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited.
In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted.
In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited.
In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
The only old soviet joke I can 'remember' off the top of my head is:
Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all travelling together in a railway carriage, when unexpectedly the train stopped. Stalin put his head out of the window and shouted, "Shoot the driver!" But the train didn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouted, "Rehabilitate the driver!" But it still didn't move. Brezhnev then said, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and let's pretend we're moving!"
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
You know, I saw the title of this thread and immediately thought: "Stalin stalin stalin stalin stalin stalin stalin MUSHROOM! MUSROOM!" *laugh*
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Someone's been eating mushrooms. Strange mushrooms.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Did they bring enough for everyone?
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
I'm glad I'm not the only one, TomD =)
Goody
Posted by Little_Doctor (Member # 6635) on :
Aha! The Badger Song! Good reference Tom lol Posted by Yozhik (Member # 89) on :
Another Soviet joke: (with apologies to the easily offended)
An American and a Soviet soldier kill each other and end up at the gates of hell at the same time.
The devil says: Well, we have national division in hell as well, but you may choose where you'd like to go. There is an American hell and a Russian hell.
American: What's the difference?
Devil: Well, in the American hell you have to eat a shovelful of s*** a day.
Russian: And in Russian hell?
Devil: Two shovels of s***.
American: I'll go to the American hell.
Russian: Well, two shovels of s***, that's not pleasant, but I lived a Russian and I died a Russian and I'll go to Russian hell.
Millennia later, the same two soldiers end up doing sentry duty at the same time at the border between the American hell and the Russian hell.
Russian: Hi hi hi! How you doing! Long time no see!
American: Hey! How are you, you look good!
Russian: How is it over there in American hell?
American: Oh, one shovel of s*** a day, you get used to it. How about Russian hell?
Russian: Well, you know how it is. One day there's no s***, the next day no shovels. . .
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
That's exactly what I keep thinking too, Tom.
Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
Well, I didn't think think of it until someone pointed it out!
*banishes Tom to the gulag*
Posted by Yozhik (Member # 89) on :
Don't banish him to the gulag. Send him to hell instead. (American or Russian -- let him choose.)
Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
That's what I was thinking when I opened this thread, too, Tom.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Well, I was thinking, "I made it out of clay."
Dagonee
Posted by delicate flower (Member # 6260) on :
I was thinking of Jan Brady.
Posted by Yozhik (Member # 89) on :
Alexander the Great, Caesar and Napoleon observed the army parade in Red Square, as honorable visitors.
'If I had had Soviet tanks,' Alexander said, 'I would have been invincible!'
'If I had had Soviet planes,' Caesar said, 'I could have conquered the whole world!'
'And if I had had the newspaper "Pravda",' Napoleon said, 'the world, even now, would never have found out about Waterloo!'
Александр Македонский, Цезарь и Наполеон в качестве почетных гостей наблюдают парад войск на Красной площади. - Если бы у меня были советские танки, - говорит Александр, - я был бы непобедим! - Если бы у меня были советские самолеты, - говорит Цезарь,- я завоевал бы весь мир! - А если бы у меня была газета "Правда", - сказал Наполеон, - мир до сих пор не узнал бы о Ватерлоо!
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Why did you do the same joke in both English and Russian?
Posted by Yozhik (Member # 89) on :
And I'm sorry, but this one is only really funny in Russian:
- Леня, я приказал открыть границу, - говорит Косыгин Брежневу. - Ты что, с ума сошел?! Все удерут, вдвоем останемся! - А кто второй?
Posted by Yozhik (Member # 89) on :
It was a test, to see if the Russian letters would display correctly.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)