My phone rang. I had been expecting the call for weeks.
My son, Daniel, is seven. I was pregnant with him when I divorced my ex-husband. During the divorce proceedings, he told the judge the baby probably wasn't his. I had a protective order against him at the time, so told him, in front of the judge, that he could contact my mother to make arrangements to see the child.
Months pass...
Dan's born. Ex's brother comes by to see the baby. We call Ex and Brother's mother and tell her the news. She promises to tell Ex.
Instead of asking to see Dan, Ex sues me for a paternity test, which proves that he's the father. Duh. Now he is ordered to pay child support, which he only pays sporadically and is now more than $2000 behind again.
Dan's six weeks old. I take him to have pictures made. My mom took me to pick up the pictures, and we stopped by Ex's father's place of work to show him. He looks, but doesn't seem to interested. Ex is there (which we didn't know beforehand) but REFUSES to look at pictures.
Dan's eight weeks old. I meet Hubby. He melts the first time he holds Dan.
Time passes...
Last July, I was served with court papers. Ex wants, not visitation, not joint custody, but FULL custody of Daniel. This is the first time he's expressed any interest at all in him, and it's to ask the court to remove him from the only parents he's ever known?
I hired an attorney and we go to court. Ex gets visitation. I retain custody. We're waiting for the Child Support Division to sign off on the agreement.
Weeks pass, and I've called twice to ask when the visitations should start. I'm not happy about it, but have an intense dislike of things unexpected. I wanted to know when they'd start, but I didn't want them to start. Make sense?
So, this morning my phone rang. It was my attorney. My heart racing, I answer.
"Are you aware that Mr. S wants to voluntarily relinquish his parental rights?"
WHAT!?!
Yep, the letter came this morning. After long and heartwrenching deliberations, Ex has decided that it's in the best interests of the child to give up his parental rights. A proposed order will be sent to my attorney on the 22nd.
Now, I've told Daniel that his biological father wanted to see him, and that we were waiting for the judge to say it was okay. Instead, my husband will be adopting him. What do I tell him now? I don't want him to feel like Ex is abandoning him, but I don't want to lie either. I'm thinking I should just say that the judge has decided that it's best for Hubby to become his only dad, and that he'll be able to see his biological father when he's older if he wants to.
What do you all think?
Posted by Sara Sasse (Member # 6804) on :
Sounds great to me Boon, both the news and your plans for dealing with it.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I think telling him things have changed with the courts is probably the best way to go. And that your husband wants to adopt him so that he can be his daddy permanently.
Tough one though. *hugs Boon*
AJ
Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
Yay Boon. Glad things are working out well.
I think you've got a good handle on the situation.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
I think the whole thing was a ploy to get out of paying child support.
But I also think you're better off without him.
[ October 07, 2004, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: dkw ]
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
You can tell him what you've planned, but speaking as an adult who went through this - don't presume the abandonment issues won't be there and that he won't be affected by it.
I wish wholeheartedly someone had recognized that and sought out good advice and/or therapy for me when I was a kid.
I was adopted by my stepfather after my real father abandoned me, and it has done some powerful stuff to me. Now, the tables are turned and the stepfather has abandoned us and my real father wants a relationship. *sigh*
Not trying to damper anything, it sounds like great news, but just be aware that problems can arise. No one can ever really be abandoned by a parent and be unaffected.
Posted by Lost Ashes (Member # 6745) on :
Boon, Who does your son call Dad?
If it is your husband, then it would mean the world to have this man come to your son and say,
"I'd like to make it official and adopt you as my son. Things in court have recently made it so that I can do this and I would be honored if you would be my son."
Leave it at that from the beginning and if he asks what happened in court, just explain that his biological father felt it was best for your's son's dad to be his father as well.
Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
Wow! He's Robert's age, and I think if Robert had been in that position, he'd be much happier to have things settled.
The Ex sounds like a right bastard, or else bipolar. Or both. He goes from wanting full custody to signing over his parental rights? Was this some convoluted way to get out of paying child support? The mind boggles.
Your wee one is lucky to have you and the Hubby. Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
He's always called my husband Dad, Daddy, Pops, Father, and Ol' Man.
He's already in therapy. I arranged it immediately last July.
Posted by BookWyrm (Member # 2192) on :
Ugh Boon. Can't offer any advice but I will offer you and little Boon hugs.
{{{{{{{Boon and Little Boon}}}}}}}}
And your hubby is a great guy too!
/Salute Hubby
Posted by Xaposert (Member # 1612) on :
quote:Now, I've told Daniel that his biological father wanted to see him, and that we were waiting for the judge to say it was okay. Instead, my husband will be adopting him. What do I tell him now?
Well, if his biological father still wants to see him, he still could. You don't have to give away rights to do that.
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
I like Lost Ashes' advice. Posted by dread pirate romany (Member # 6869) on :
That is huge Boon. Daniel is very lucky to have your hubby, who is a TRUE Dad to him. Of course it will still be hard for him but this sounds like the best possible outcome. Posted by Rakeesh (Member # 2001) on :
Congratulations! I'm sorry the road to the surprisingly good phone-call was so rocky, but I'm glad the sumbitch gave up the ghost. *high-five*
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
So much to say, and so little of it useful...
1) Be happy he is out of your life. My guess is that family pressures were put on him to get his beautiful son, and when that didn't work out he just dropped the who thing. Congratz.
2) Be weary. He changed his mind twice in a few months. He may do so again.
3) You are doing all you can for your son. He is lucky.
4) Can I tell you my own Caller ID/Heart Filled with Dread story?
I will anyway.
When my Grandmother passed away Cindy and I moved into her old house. We discovered that it was cheaper to add our names to the phone number than to switch it completely to us. Dropping a name seems to be more expensive than adding it. So we kept it.
Eva Davis still showed up in the phone books, and we knew who the telemarkters were when they asked for her.
Then my father gets Caller ID.
And we called.
His dead mother's name shows up on the Caller ID box.
Needless to say he was a bit surprised.
Of course, when he told my Aunt that he just got a call from their dead mother, her response was, "Well, she always did like you better."
Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :
quote: After long and heartwrenching deliberations, Ex has decided that it's in the best interests of the child to give up his parental rights.
I sure hope he thought this through! I understand how happy I'd be if I were in your shoes. However, if this was my father, I just don't know how I'd feel.
In the area of child support, my ex is nearly $40,000 behind in his payments. That's another story.
*hugs* for you Boon and your family.
Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
Thank you all for your support.
I'm aware that, until his petition for termination is accepted by the court, he could still change his mind. That's why we aren't going to say anything to Dan this time until it's final. And even then, I'm not sure we'll say anything. He already uses my husband's last name, this would just make it legal.
And you're right, Ex could still see him, if that's what they both want. But this way, Ex can't dictate how often, where, or who all's allowed to come to such visits. He won't be able to interfere with Hubby's and my parenting. That's all I really want anyway.
I don't want to live my life, parenting my child, worried about whether or not his biological father will sue me for custody next week just because he feels like it. This has already cost us a small fortune, and it'll be a relief to know that I don't need to keep an "emergency fund" to pay a lawyer money that I shouldn't need to spend. Money that could be set aside for college educations and first cars. Music lessons. Groceries.
Once again, thank you all. I know I haven't been around much lately, but that's changing too. I've missed you all way more than I thought I would.
Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
quote: In the area of child support, my ex is nearly $40,000 behind in his payments. That's another story.
Now, that just SUCKS!
I know $2000 doesn't sound like much to some of you, but he only has to pay $101 a month. So really, he's only made about four out of every six payments. Sometimes we get checks for silly amounts. Like the two most recent: $8.47 and $15.80.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
My ex was only ordered to pay only $188 per month for THREE kids -- because they couldn't find him or even verify if he was working at the time the divorce went final.
That was 14 years ago, and he has never paid a dime.
You do the math!
Farmgirl
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Congratulations, Boon. Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Good for you, Boon! I remember (on teamspeak) talking to you about this a bit, and i am glad it all worked out...so far.
Just make sure he knows that THIS daddy PICKED him...and he will know love for his whole life.
Kwea
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
Boon, I think your plan on how to tell Dan is excellent If Dan didn't really want to see B.F. or if he wasn't sure what to think, this may be for the best for his sake. As you said, he already considers Hubby his dad, so if nothing else this will eliminate a possible confusion over who he's supposed to look up to as a male role model and who he's supposed to obey. (I can truly see B.F. trying to twist the poor boy if he ever did have visitation)
I'll also agree with another post (and I'm sorry but at the moment I've blanked on who said this): BE WARY! The on-again, off-again history of the B.F., both with child support and desired level of involvement in your lives, is frightening. Talk to your attorney about this concern and let him (or her) guide you on how to permanently solve that situation.
Best of luck!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
(((((Boon&hubby&Daniel)))))
Much sympathy on the unexpected legal costs. Here's hoping the ex doesn't flip-flop again!
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Wow, your ex sounds like a real jerk--more of a "Y"=why,why did I ever hook up with HIM? No good advice, I'll have to think about it and post Mon or Tues. (((Boonie))) Good to see you posting even if it's sad news! And to Rivka too!
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Still thinking. . .
I think Belle is correct: no matter how you deal with it, abandonment issues will be there for Daniel in the future. That's why I liked Lost ashes'advice: knowing that your current husband loves him and wants to adopt him will help to counteract the negative emotions raised by the abandonment. Since Daniel is in therapy, you could talk to his therapist about the best way to explain things to him. Poor kid! He's lucky your husband is willing to be there for him. Good luck Boon! e-mail me at pel@myway.com , but I don't check it every day.
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Here's hoping the ex doesn't flip-flop again!
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