I am so ready to sell my oldest to the gypsies!! This week I got a call from her school and the headmistress asked for a meeting. So I go, and I discover that my ten year old daughter has been shredding adult and child alike with her tongue. I'm not really surprised, she tends to be a bit out-spoken and strong-willed (the apple never falls far from the tree), but I had hoped she'd use the common sense God gave her to know when to be nice. Apparently, she doesn't have that sort of self-control yet.
I've come down hard on her since the meeting--maybe too hard--and I don't really know what to do. She acts this way at home sometimes too, and I do correct her actions. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to really get how important this is. I'm mad at her and mad at myself. Somewhere I obviously missed teaching her something important along the way. Anyway, I guess what I'm asking is for some support and some advice about what to do next.
Right now the only thing that keeps coming to mind is Bill Cosby and what his father used to say to him and his brother, Russell--"I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it and then make another just like you." Somehow, though, that doesn't really seem very productive. Jess
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Have you asked her about why she's doing it, and why it's a big deal that she decide when to unleash her tongue and when not to? What does she say?
Posted by Jess N (Member # 6744) on :
I did ask but all I got was a bunch of tears. Then I explained that what she said often hurt other people. I think she equates being sharp tongued with wit. Also, I think she sees me being a bit sharp tongued too sometimes, so, of course, she has a role model. I did explain that there was a time and place to be sharp tongued and that we have to weigh our words very carefully before we speak. I asked her to try and count to ten before saying anything the next time she felt the need to lash out with her WMD.
Some of it, I think, stems from her thinking she's already an adult. She's always had that mindset and now it's coming to bite her in really bad ways.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
A question . . . are you trying to get her to not say mean things about other people, or only not to say them to their faces?
If it’s the former, then your “time and place” discussions might be effective. If the latter, then you probably need to look at why she associates being “sharp tongued” with being witty and grown up. You might need to be more careful, not just of what you say to/around her, but also what you laugh at when other people say.
I suspect all of us give in to the urge to make catty comments sometimes, but you probably should avoid doing it in her hearing. Or even talk to her about the fact that you know you do this too, but it’s not very nice and you are going to try to stop.
If I’m reading too much into what you’ve said about yourself, I apologize. I just know there’s nothing like kids for reflecting back the parts of our behavior that we’re the least proud of, and it looked like you might be suggesting that was the case here.
Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
Your daughter sounds exactly like me. Unfortuantly I'm nineteen and I've never learned how to effectively deal with this. The problem is that I have to real concept of when what I'm saying is out of line. My mom often gets embarrassed by me for "cutting people down" and tells long stories to alleviate her embarrassment. This doesn't help though, because I have no idea why what I did was out of line. When people joke with me, I joke back, but what I say is generally out of line and I have no idea why.
The thing is, it doesn't happen all that often, so most of the time I just joke around normally; so when it does happen it's without any warning and I'm caught off gaurd having said something wrong, again.
Posted by dread pirate romany (Member # 6869) on :
Havr you tried role playing with her, or maybe taping some of the things she says, so she knows how she sounds to others? Good luck.
Posted by Jess N (Member # 6744) on :
Thanks for all the great thoughts here. dkw--I have been contemplating all the things you brought up already. In our house, we tend to address things very frankly and, unfortunately, sometimes it comes across harsh. I am going to try to back off some of that myself and give her a way to learn to do the same.
Sometimes, I think people just don't get my daughter's sense of humor. She has a really dry and rather dark sense of humor--like me. I guess older people don't appreciate that in a 10 year old.
blacwolfe: I know what you're going through. A lot will change as you mature and learn to watch yourself more. I tended to get in more trouble with this problem when I was in my teens too. The thing that helped me the most was, of all things, working retail. You have to be nice even when your customer isn't. Now, I'm more catty with my friends and they have catty moments too. Still, I blame myself for being perhaps still a bit to opened mouth in front of my children. It's sort of a live and learn type of situation.
dread pirate: I am considering taping her. We'll see if it hits her that her word usage is not very nice. Good idea. I've already started role-playing. We'll see.
Before I give the impression that I've raised a complete monster, let me say that other than being mouthy, she's a great kid. Very creative and has a lot of leadership qualities. When you wrap all that together, you've got a very strong personality.
Who knows? She could be a hegemon one day (duhn-duhn-duhn).
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