This is topic Best Funny Songs of All Time in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/main/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=028959

Posted by Alcon (Member # 6645) on :
 
Here's My Entry:

quote:

Cows With Guns - Dana Lyons
Fat and docile, big and dumb
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun
Cows aren't fun

They eat to grow, grow to die
Die to be et at the hamburger fry
Cows well done

Nobody thunk it, nobody knew
No one imagined the great cow guru
Cows are one

He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal
He loved Che Guevera, a revolutionary veal
Cow Se Tongue

He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd
Cow doldrums

He mooed we must fight, escape or we'll die
Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high
Bad cow pun

But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate
Cows are bummed

He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi
Cows with guns

They came with a needle to stick in his thigh
He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye
Cow well hung

Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor
Run cows run!

He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay
We are free roving bovines, we run free today
We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

They crashed the gate in a great stampede
Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed
Cows have fun

Sixty police cars were piled in a heap
Covered in cow pies, covered up deep
Much cow dung

Black smoke rising, darkening the day
Twelve burning McDonalds, have it your way
The President said "enough is enough
These uppity cattle, its time to get tough"
Cow dung flung

The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief
Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef
Cows on buns

The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed
They mooed their last moos,
they chewed their last hay
Cows outgunned

The order was given to turn cows to whoppers
Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers
But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers
Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers


 
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
 
Cows With Guns Flash Movie
 
Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :
 
quote:

We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave

When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks
Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows...
He'll get you in the end!

Why be a colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?

When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, "Hey nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don't shake hands."

He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages.
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play,
But this is not quite what he meant...
By eighteen holes a day!

Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine!

"Working Where the Sun Don't Shine (The Colorectal Surgeon's Song)" by Bowser and Blue
 
Posted by plaid (Member # 2393) on :
 
quote:

Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .

You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .

You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .

Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

"They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-haaa!" by Napoleon XIV
 
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
 
quote:
AQUARIUS!
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes
to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-
Mole 17 hours a day

PISCES!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what
those idiots at work say

ARIES!
The look on your face will be priceless when you find
that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a
hickey to Meryl Streep

TAURUS!
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna
do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

GEMINI!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your
explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance
hurls a javelin through your chest

CANCER!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the
rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while
taking your driver's test

LEO!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and
staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it
down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

VIRGO!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -
except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with
your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least
a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets
and the stars could have a special deep significance or
meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let
me give you my assurance that these forecasts and
predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented
evidence, so you would have to be some kind of
moron not to realize that every single one of them is
absolutely true.

Where was I?

LIBRA!
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone
much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that
when your appendix bursts next week

SCORPIO!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall
screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your
low self esteem, you stupid freak

SAGITTARIUS!
All your friends are laughing behind your back...
kill them
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
you've got hanging in your den

CAPRICORN!
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful
person... but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never
never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today


Your Horoscope For Today - Weird Al
 
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
 
Any Tom Lehrer songs. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
 
Fish Heads
Fish Heads
Roly poley Fish Heads!

Fish Heads
Fish Heads
Eat them up yum... YUM!

I took a Fish Head out to see a movie
Didn't have to pay to GET IT IN!
 
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
 
Slender Fungus - Tones on Tail

Love and hope and sex and dreams
Pride and joy, fast cars, ice cream
Jet black hair, soft socks and shoes
Let's fish around, free air again
Golden madness, feed off dead meat
Time not lost, but sold white teeth
We want victory, we want truth
A million stars move into view

Slender fungus was a disc of shiny concrete
Slender fungus was a disc, a shiny ball of meat
Slender fungus sucks the toes that linger round your feet
Slender fungus eats in bed before he goes to sleep

Feeling good here in the rain
Worms dancing, dancing in your veins
I am you but you're not me
Bitter dolls, these always free
Dance 'til it hurts, in a midnight glow
Truth is simple, can't ever say no
Flames fly higher, look up the moon
Watching demons again, neither are you

Slender fungus was a disc of shiny concrete
Slender fungus was a disc, a shiny ball of meat
Slender fungus kissed a fish inside a stolen jeep
Slender fungus eats

But we play all the things you are
Bomb song, swan song, red hot jazz
Burn ourselves out, just to please
Back to a car, get on your knees
Big, big bomb song, gets burnt out
So light your own fire, move into view
You can do better
You can do better
You can do better, that's only true

Slender fungus was a disc of shiny concrete
Slender fungus was a disc, a shiny ball of meat
Slender fungus sucks the toes that linger round your feet
Slender fungus eats in bed before he goes to sleep

[The Wave] One of my all-time favorite songs. [Big Grin] [ROFL] [ROFL]
 
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
They Might Be Giants:
Mammal
quote:
Standing in between extinction in the cold
and explosive radiating growth
So the warm blood flows
Through the large four-chambered heart
Maintaining the very high metabolism rate they have

Mammal, mammal
Their names are called
They raise a paw
The bat, the cat
Dolphin and dog
Koala bear and hog

One of us might lose his hair
But you're reminded that it once was there
From the embryonic whale to the monkey with no tail
So the warm blood flows
with the red blood cells lacking nuclei
Through the large four-chambered heart
Maintaining the very high metabolism rate they have

Mammal, mammal
Their names are called
They raise a paw
The bat, the cat
Dolphin and dog
Koala bear and hog

Placental the sister of her brother Marsupial
Their cousin called Monotreme
Dead uncle Allotheria

Mammal, mammal
Their names are called
They raise a paw
The bat, the cat
Dolphin and dog
Koala bear and hog
The fox, the ox
Giraffe and shrew
Echidna, caribou

Dinner Bell
quote:
I've been leaving on my things
So in the morning when the morning bird sings
There's still dinner on my dinner jacket
'Til the dinner bell rings

Experimental dog*
Salivating dog
Good dog
Waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the dinner bell)
Dinner bell dinner bell ring

I've been leaving on my things
So in the morning when the morning bird sings
There's still dinner on my dinner jacket
'Til the dinner bell rings

I don't want a pizza, I don't want a piece of (experimental dog)
Peanut brittle, I don't want a pear.
I don't want a bagel I don't want a bean I wouldn't like (salivating dog)
A bag of beef or a beer or a
Cup of chowder, corn, cake, or creamed cauliflower cause I'm (good dog)
Waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the dinner bell)
Dinner bell dinner bell ring

Shoulder, bicep, elbow, arm
Forearm, thumb, wrist, knuckle, palm
Middle, pinky, index, ring
Dinner bell dinner bell ding

I don't know whether I'd rather be having a bottle of vinegar (experimental dog)
I don't know whether I'd rather be having an egg.
I don't know whether I'd rather be having an order of bacon (salivating dog)
Or whether I'd rather be having a basket of garlic bread.
I don't know whether I'd rather be having some pie or (good dog)
Saving my appetite 'cause I'm
Waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the dinner bell)
Dinner bell dinner bell ring

I've been leaving on my things (I've been leaving on)
So in the morning when the morning bird sings (the morning)
There's still dinner on my dinner jacket (on my)
'Til the dinner bell does the bell thing
Dinner bell dinner bell do the bell thing
I'm waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the ding)
Dinner bell dinner bell ding ding ding
Waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the ding)
Dinner bell dinner bell ding ding ding
Waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the ding)
Dinner bell dinner bell ding


 
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
 
Been listening to Apollo 18 lately, Bob? [Smile]

-Bok
 
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
 
Sheesh. (especially Bob)

quote:

POISONING PIGEONS IN THE PARK - Tom Lehrer

Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here.
Life is skittles and life is beer.
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring.
I do, don't you? 'Course you do.
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,
And makes every Sunday a treat for me.

All the world seems in tune
On a spring afternoon,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
Every Sunday you'll see
My sweetheart and me,
As we poison the pigeons in the park.

When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.
The sun's shining bright,
Everything seems all right,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We've gained notoriety,
And caused much anxiety
In the Audubon Society
With our games.
They call it impiety
And lack of propriety,
And quite a variety
Of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a pigeon.

So if Sunday you're free,
Why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we'll do
In a squirrel* or two,
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment,
Except for the few we take home to experiment.
My pulse will be quickenin'
With each drop of strych'nine
We feed to a pigeon.
(It just takes a smidgin!)
To poison a pigeon in the park.



 
Posted by Alcon (Member # 6645) on :
 
Ahh... Weird Al, classic. There are so many hilarious Weird Al songs [Big Grin]

Amish Paradise(to the tune of Gansta Paradise) - Weird Al
quote:
As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she’s very plain
But that’s just perfect for an amish like me
You know I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I’m milkin’ cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and jacob plows... fool
And I’ve been milkin’ and plowin’ so long that
Even ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I’m a man of the land, I’m into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1699

We been spending most our lives
Living in an amish paradise
I’ve churned butter once or twice
Living in an amish paradise
It’s hard work and sacrifice
Living in an amish paradise
We sell quilts at a discount price
Living in an amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
I really don’t care, in fact I wish him well
’cause I’ll be laughing my head off when he’s burning in hell
But I ain’t never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
An amish with a ’tude?
You know that’s unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
And my homies agree
I really look good in black... fool
If you come to visit, you’ll be bored to tears
We haven’t even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain’t really quaint, so please don’t point and stare
We’re just technologically impaired

There’s no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like robinson caruso
It’s as primitive as can be

We been spending most our lives
Living in an amish paradise
We’re just plain and simple guys
Living in an amish paradise
There’s no time for sin and vice
Living in an amish paradise
We don’t fight, we all play nice
Living in an amish paradise

Hitchin’ up the buggy, churnin’ lots of butter
Raised a barn on monday, soon I’ll raise anutter
Think you’re really righteous?
Think you’re pure in heart?
Well, I know I’m a million time as humble as thou art
I’m the pious guy the little amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night scorin’ points for the afterlife
So don’t be vain and don’t be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie

We been spending most our lives
Living in an amish paradise
We’re all crazy mennonites
Living in an amish paradise
There’s no cops or traffic lights
Living in an amish paradise
But you’d probably think it bites
Living in an amish paradise

Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-yecch!


 
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
 
I know I shouldn't, but I've laughed at pretty much every Stephen Lynch song I've ever heard.
 
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
quote:
"Right" said Fred,
"Both of us together,"
One each end
And steady as we go (eurgh-heurgh).

Tried to shift it,
Couldn't even lift it,
We was gettin' nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea and

"Right" said Fred,
"Give a shout to Charlie,"
Up comes Charlie
From the floor below...

After straining,
Heaving and complaining,
We was getting nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea and

Charlie had a think
And he thought we ought
To take off all the handles
And the things what held the candles,
But it did no good,
Well I never thought it would.

Oh, "Right" said Fred,
"Have to take the feet off,
To get them feet off
Wouldn't take a mo...

Took its feet off,
Even took the seat off,
Should have got us somewhere, but no,
So Fred said
"Let's have another cuppa tea"
And we said "Righto."

Oh, "Right" said Fred,
Have to take the door off,
Need more space
To shift the so-and-so...

Had bad twinges
Taking off the hinges,
And it got us nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea and

"Right" said Fred,
Have to take the wall down,
That there wall
Is gonna have to go...

Took the wall down,
Even with it all down
We was getting nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea and

Charlie had a think
And he said "Look, Fred,
I've got a sort of feeling,
If we remove the ceiling,
With a rope or two
We could drop the blighter through."

Oh, "Right" said Fred,
Climbing up a ladder,
With his crowbar
Gave a mighty blow...

Was he in trouble,
Half a ton of rubble
Landed on the top of his dome,
So Charlie and me
Had another cuppa tea
And then we went home.

[Spoken] I said to Charlie, "We'll just have to leave it standing on the landing, that's all. You see, the trouble with Fred is, he's too hasty, and you never get nowhere if you're too hasty."


Hee hee.
 
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
My Favourite Tom Lehrer:

quote:
When you attend a funeral,
It is sad to think that sooner or
Later those you love will do the same for you.
And you may have thought it tragic,
Not to mention other adjec-
Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do.
But don't you worry.
No more ashes, no more sackcloth.
And an armband made of black cloth
Will some day never more adorn a sleeve.
For if the bomb that drops on you
Gets your friends and neighbors too,
There'll be nobody left behind to grieve.

And we will all go together when we go.
What a comforting fact that is to know.
Universal bereavement,
An inspiring achievement,
Yes, we all will go together when we go.

We will all go together when we go.
All suffuse with an incandescent glow.
No one will have the endurance
To collect on his insurance,
Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go.

Oh we will all fry together when we fry.
We'll be french fried potatoes by and by.
There will be no more misery
When the world is our rotisserie,
Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.

Down by the old maelstrom,
There'll be a storm before the calm.

And we will all bake together when we bake.
There'll be nobody present at the wake.
With complete participation
In that grand incineration,
Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak.

Oh we will all char together when we char.
And let there be no moaning of the bar.
Just sing out a Te Deum
When you see that I.C.B.M.,
And the party will be "come as you are."

Oh we will all burn together when we burn.
There'll be no need to stand and wait your turn.
When it's time for the fallout
And Saint Peter calls us all out,
We'll just drop our agendas and adjourn.

You will all go directly to your respective Valhallas.
Go directly, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dolla's.

And we will all go together when we go.
Ev'ry Hottenhot and ev'ry Eskimo.
When the air becomes uranious,
And we will all go simultaneous.
Yes we all will go together
When we all go together,
Yes we all will go together when we go.


 
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
 
I'M MY OWN GRANDPA


Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.


This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

I'm my own grandpa....
I'm my own grandpa....
It sounds funny I know, but it really is so
'Cause I'm my own grandpa


This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

I'm my own grandpa....
I'm my own grandpa....
It sounds funny I know, but it really is so
'Cause I'm my own grandpa


My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me mad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

I'm my own grandpa....
I'm my own grandpa....
It sounds funny I know, but it really is so
'Cause I'm my own grandpa


Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

I'm my own grandpa....
I'm my own grandpa....
It sounds funny I know, but it really is so
'Cause I'm my own grandpa


If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own grandpa!

Soooo I'm my own grandpa....
I'm my own grandpa....
It sounds funny I know, but it really is so
'Cause I'm my own grandpa





Written and sung by Lonzo & Oscar
 


Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2