I need your opinion on the following poem I have composed. Please give it! Thanks .
quote:
So strong was her grip upon my soul, With just a word, she could make me die, With just a smile, make me cry, And torture me with her joy.
She and I were on an island, Just us two, the best of friends, When a passing boat came floating by, And to it she did ascend.
She went with a smile, It was I who felt no joy, But she, she was happy, And I so sadly alone.
One day returned she, To share of her exploits, And this she did for quite some time. When I nodded and tried to speak, She smiled, kissed my cheek, And left, with no goodbye.
Now wait I still for her, On this island, all alone, Listening to the gentle waves, And waiting, all alone.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Oh, that's beautiful. Really sad... but beautiful.
Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
Nice poem. Well written. I agree with Raia, it's very sad.
Posted by ginette (Member # 852) on :
I like it. Yes it is sad but also beautiful because I really get a picture of her, how she is. She is beautiful, with long curly dark hair, she is quite small with a very open face that is always smiling. She is not sad, because she takes you with her wherever she goes.
Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :
It's quite good actually. Good imagery and a clear meaning. I've always been of the opinion that sad poetry is some of the best.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
You asked what my imediate emotion was. At first it was sadness. Reading it the second time I detected joy and intensity and some other impressions.
You must tell me if you liked the Clannad song
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
You're going to hate me for this, but I think it's pretty mediocre. The sentiment is sincere and meaningful enough, but you're trying too hard with that rhyme scheme; not only is it inconsistent, but you're forced to bend the meter in really weird, stilted ways to make the rhyme.
If you're going to use inconsistent rhyme, take advantage of the inconsistancy and make sure that the rhymes are neither trite nor forced.
Here are my notes on each stanza:
quote: So strong was her grip upon my soul, With just a word, she could make me die, With just a smile, make me cry, And torture me with her joy.
This is the strongest stanza in the poem, I think. The die/cry rhyme is a bit weak, but the meter is intriguing and "torture me with her joy" is a great phrase. Sadly, the way you've set it up, I really expect a rhyme for "joy" at the end of the second stanza -- and it doesn't arrive. Meanie!
quote: She and I were on an island, Just us two, the best of friends, When a passing boat came floating by, And to it she did ascend.
It's a nice metaphor, but I think it's too passive; the boat "came floating by," "she did ascend," and you even "were on an island." There's no sense of motion or description here -- which may be the point, but I'd play up that concept over a few more lines to nail it down. The line "And to it she did ascend" is one of those phrases that I consider a cardinal sin of modern rhyme. Don't do it, unless you're deliberately parodying a formal or "poetic" tone.
quote: She went with a smile, It was I who felt no joy, But she, she was happy, And I so sadly alone.
You just kind of give up on the meter and rhyme altogether, here. Your phrasing's a bit strange, too; "it was I who felt no joy" could just as easily be "but I felt no joy," for example. "She, she" seems a bit melodramatic, especially coupled with the alliteration on "so sadly." But melodrama's okay here.
quote: One day returned she, To share of her exploits, And this she did for quite some time. When I nodded and tried to speak, She smiled, kissed my cheek, And left, with no goodbye.
Okay, we've got a rhyme again. And we've got meter. And we again want something to rhyme with the last line of that stanza. You tease. Unfortunately, we also have the worst lines in the poem. "One day returned she to share of her exploits, and this she did for quite some time" is a remarkably awkward sentence, especially when as far as I can tell it's not demanded by the rhyme. Out of all the ways in the world that you could have found to say the same thing in fourteen to fifteen syllables, you appear to have settled on one of the clumsiest.
quote: Now wait I still for her, On this island, all alone, Listening to the gentle waves, And waiting, all alone.
Same problem. "Now wait I still" is downright slappable. Yoda you are not. English you know well. Come before verbs, subjects can.
That said, I find the extended metaphor interesting, especially for what it doesn't say. Why didn't a boat arrive for you, and why weren't you allowed in the first boat? Why, when she left you on the island, did you stay behind? Didn't you do anything on the island worth noting while she was gone? Moreover, why are you resentful that she took steps to escape from a desert island when given the chance? I know these aren't questions really explored by the central image, but they're also the questions I find most interesting.
[ November 07, 2004, 07:40 PM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
No, your critiques are useful and interesting. I shall absorb them and create an even better work ^^. I am, after all, pretty new to this poetry stuff...
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Poetry works best by creating sensory impressions on the reader. One thing I’ll be pointing out below is the presence of abstractions. The use of an abstraction should be carefully considered, especially by newer poets, as they don’t form concrete imagery, blunting the poems impact..
So strong was her grip upon my soul, “Soul” is an abstraction.
With just a word, she could make me die, I’d recommend you use more direct verbs. The “make me die” phrasing is weak – her words are killing you, a strong statement that deserves stronger language. “She kills me with just a word” or “I die from her words alone” – something like that.
With just a smile, make me cry, I’d avoid the rhyme here, since the poem doesn’t have a rhyme scheme. This early in the poem, it sets an expectation which is unmet. Also, you’ve just died, so crying doesn’t seem so bad. I like the juxtaposition of happy (smile) and sad (cry) – maybe switch the order with the line above.
And torture me with her joy. Can you find a concrete manifestation of joy – laughter or something?
She and I were on an island,
Just us two, the best of friends,
When a passing boat came floating by, I’m assuming this represents another guy who came along? If so, the boat metaphor works. If you want to emphasize the random nature of the encounter, try “drifting.” If you want to emphasize the newcomer was seeking her, use something purposeful – “sailing,” “steaming,” etc. I don’t like “passing” so closing to another “-ing” word.
And to it she did ascend. The inversion is very distracting, as is the word ascend (floating boats are lower than the island). I would use a word that implies the leaving behind as well. “Embark” might work, but it’s harsh phonetically. Maybe that works here.
She went with a smile, It was I who felt no joy, But she, she was happy, And I so sadly alone. What should be the most emotional stanza is empty. “Joy” and “happy” are at least part of the reason why.
One day returned she, More inversions – avoid them without a compelling reason.
To share of her exploits, And this she did for quite some time. Awkward. “Exploits” doesn’t seem to fit, the inversion adds nothing, and it’s about twice as long as it needs to be.
When I nodded and tried to speak, She smiled, kissed my cheek, And left, with no goodbye. Good example of why concrete imagery is more powerful – the effect will be even more powerful if you can fix the first two line. This is much better than merely saying you have no joy. The rhyme here might be OK without the one above, but maybe try to avoid it. Here, though, it’s not setting unmet expecations.
Now wait I still for her, This inversion is very distracting.
On this island, all alone, Listening to the gentle waves, And waiting, all alone. I can’t decide if I like this part or not – the repetition might be effective. Try to fix the first line.
I do like the idea of the island metaphor. Is your remaining on the island voluntary (i.e., a result of your pining for her?) If so, you may want to hint at this more.
I like the theme and some of the imagery. Keep the language simple, work on removing the abstractions, and I think you’ve got something good here.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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