This is topic Another Poem Of Mine. in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


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Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
 
Thank you so much for the advice given to me earlier. As such, I have written a poem dedicated to being concrete as opposed to vague:

quote:

Night smothers all in its black,
Except for a few patches
that the lamps guard.

I sit underneath one,
On a bench of hard wood,
And my breath forms into mist,
With the cruel breeze.

My hands are freezing,
Turning into chunks of ice,
But I do not care much,
For I am colder yet inside,
Then my hands could ever be.



[ November 11, 2004, 09:21 PM: Message edited by: Phanto ]
 
Posted by WishfulWiggin (Member # 6823) on :
 
Wow. Very good (not that I have the experiance/knowledge to critique). I especially like the end.
 
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
 
Concrete, maybe, but you haven't quite grasped "cheery" yet... [Wink]

Just kidding. Very nice. [Smile]
 
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 
It's a definite improvement, but I found myself catching on one of your stylistic choices whenever I read it. Do you mean to so strongly anthromorphize everything in the poem except yourself? (Note, BTW, that this would not be a bad thing, but that I couldn't tell whether it was deliberate.)
 
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
 
I did ^^.

Any other thoughts?

*wants to become a good poet*
 
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Then go to the everypoet site I linked in the other thread. It will help, I promise.
 
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
 
I find it hard to picture any kind of light except in the first section. You could use light more powerfully, IMO, maybe contrasting its lightness with its lack of warmth.
 
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
 
Thank you so much Dagonee. [Smile]
 
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Oh, and this is much improved over the last. [Smile]
 


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