Okay, I never did start my "Texas Journal" beyond the stories of the Treadwell house. Maybe I can ply you with tales of the frozen tundra instead.
In Iowa.
Where it snows. Okay, not that much. It's not THAT bad. But it does snow. And sometimes it just gets cold. Today, right now, it is "six." Six degrees at 6 pm. That's been happening a lot lately -- when the temperature matches the hour of the day. And we don't need no 24-hour clock to cover all the range of temperatures.
It was about 12 today at 12. Yep.
I have been enjoying the friendly ribbing like:
"What the heck is WRONG with you? Nobody MOVES HERE in winter!!! Idiot."
Ha hahahahaha
Water off a duck's back.
Well, okay, a frozen duck with icicles. But you get the picture.
The other jokes have been at the expense of my driving. I admit it. I don't know how to drive on snow and ice. I know how to drive on pavement. That's what pavement is for...driving on. Ice is for...well...I'm not really sure what ice is for, but I'm reasonably certain that it is not a DOT-approved road surface.
People think it's funny to watch me making wide turns at 3 mph and hitting my washer fluid button every time a snowflake particle rests on the windshield.
People think it's funny to see me taking 3.5 blocks just to execute a lane change.
I admit it. I don't know what I'm doing. I need a chauffer.
And a giant rubber bumper to surround my poor car.
I also need a car wash attached to my garage.
Seriously. I thought Texas was dusty. What is this schmutz? It's like fine confectioner's sugar plastered to the car with egg white. It doesn't come off with regular water or scrubbing. You basically have to slice it off the car with a microtome, layer-by-layer. Or, of course, pay some car wash place $8 a day to get it off of your car with some magic solution of soapy salt, or salty soap. I'm not sure which.
I'm lying of course. It comes off with soap and water. You just have to be somewhere where the soap and water do not freeze before you have a chance to rinse and towel off the car. That place does not exist.
My car formed icicles WHILE DRIVING! At 70 mph, it formed icicles!!!
Also, I like to carry eyeglass cleaner in my car. I hate driving with dirty glasses, so this is the perfect spot. The stuff is basically alcohol. It froze. In my car. In the garage.
Ice on the outside of the car does not melt when the car is in the garage overnight. What's up with that? The garage is not heated, sure...but still... Below freezing in the garage? I need one of those block heaters that you plug in.
I like cold soda. We keep that in the garage too. No point putting it in the fridge. You have to pay to cool things in the fridge. The garage works just fine. Besides the fridge is full.
My house doesn't have a garage. My car sits in dkw's garage.
My house is tiny. I didn't know they made houses this small. It's nice. It reminds me of my first cubicle. Really, it's quite a nice place. The heater works great and there's a kitchen and living room and a washer-dryer, and a bedroom. And they are all separate rooms.
I met my neighbor today. I won't tell you his name, but if you come to town, ask for "the train man." He works on the scenic railroad in the good weather months. The rest of the time, he works on his train in the basement. He has a train with a video camera in it, so you can see what the train sees as it goes around the track he's built.
Seriously. He's the train guy. Everyone knows him.
If you want to find my house, look for the grain elevator. I'm the house next to it. I think you can see that thing from space. It's huge. And it does stuff. All night. I don't know what it's doing. I mean, what could it be doing? Elevating grain? Smoking corn cob pipes? It's over there thumping, and sighing, and wheezing. It's like living with grandparents in the next room.
Doesn't disturb my sleep though, because my bedroom is clear on the opposite side of the house.
Oh, did I mention the wind. I never understood windchill until now. Windchill is measured by how much less time it takes for you to freeze to death in the wind than out of the wind. They literally line up average-sized humans and expose them to a range of temperatures and wind speeds and wait to see who dies first.
Well...here nobody dies. At least not on their feet. We just set the dead bodies outside and they get blown into Kansas where the burials are cheaper.
We had an engineering marvel in the next big town over. It was this giant inflatable building. Guaranteed to withstand winds up to...just below whatever wind we had a week ago. Man! That thing just disappeared.
Okay, that's enough for now.
I want to tell you how nice everyone is, but that'll take a few pages, so we'll deal with it later.
The six o'clock siren just went off, so have to say farewell. And Dinnertime!
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
*heeheehee*
Wait 'til February! Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Bob, Has anyone told you what Iowa stands for? (I can't resist since my wife was born in Iowa...)
Actually there are 2 answers:
1. Idiots Out Wandering Around
2. I Owe the World an Apology
But in all seriousness, all of my wife's extended family seems very nice. They are all kind and a very close-nit group.
I have the same trouble with road salt/grime that peppers my car. I spend more quarters at the local "Do-it-yourself" Carwash with a pressure washer than I did in my youth in the arcades.
Good luck in the Great White North!
P.S. Those terrible Iowa jokes came from a Pharmacist from Eli Lilly who told our class that joke when we toured their facility. Evidently, people from Illinois love to make fun of anyone from Wisconsin or Iowa...go figure...
[ December 22, 2004, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: Alucard... ]
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
::nods judiciously::
She's right, you know that? December is nothing.
And your pop will freeze in the garage, just so you know. It's a great place to store ice cream and cuts of meat though.
I can't wait to read more of these!
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
Do you mean Indiana, Alucard? That's where Eli Lilly is. But heck, we all know that Illinois and Indiana are really the same state anyway.
space opera
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Yes, we went to Indianapolis and toured the entire facility. My Alma Mater is in Chicago and the host thought he would warm us up with some Pro-Chicago humor. He was kind and cautious enough to ask the audience first if any of them were from Iowa. (Swell guy.) Sorry for the muddy water that is my stream of consciousness!
[ December 22, 2004, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: Alucard... ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
We think that Bob is renting the second smallest house in town. But the smaller one might be a tool shed. We’ll have to walk by and check that out one of these days.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Bob, this post had me rolling on the floor because I too wash my car and watch it freeze to the vehicle before I get 2 lights down the road. Even worse, my wife groans every time I use the washer fluid, which is about once a minute. I even check with her to see if she'd like me to wash the windshield to help her view become less obstructed. She thinks I am an alien in hiding.
Posted by Lost Ashes (Member # 6745) on :
Life is so much better when Bob posts. I mean it. Just gets me right out of whatever funk I happen to be in.
Man, ya gotta love Bob.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
quote:I like cold soda. We keep that in the garage too. No point putting it in the fridge. You have to pay to cool things in the fridge. The garage works just fine. Besides the fridge is full.
Once, when I lived in the dorms, I bought some lamb meat for a potluck I was cooking for later that day. It was only upon returning from the store that I realized I had no refigerator. No worries! I sandwiched the meat inbetween the window and the screen. Perfect! It was well-preserved for hours!
(love the witty prose, btw. Keep it coming!)
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Bob, Do not read Giants of the Earth, by O. E. Rlvaag. Or do. Then you can imagine what it was like to be a pioneer in the Dakotas, be happy you are so far south in Iowa, and bless your tiny sod house-sized home and its wonderful heater.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
quote: Good luck in the Great White North!
Ahahahahahaaa....
You think it's cold THERE?
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
And that is NOT the Great White North! Thou has offended all Canuckians!
Try living in northern Alberta. Cold cold compared to where you are. But even that isn't that cold compared to the Territories. Try living in Inuvik. That gives you a better idea. Although the Antarctic is even colder. Hah! Try that out for size! Hah! Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*basks in sunlight* (well, ok, it's night right now, but you get the idea)
So now Bob has TWO reasons to count down until April, hmm? Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
April just brings mud season.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Yeah, that sounds appealing! Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Only to Californians. Posted by fiazko (Member # 5812) on :
quote: Oh, did I mention the wind. I never understood windchill until now. Windchill is measured by how much less time it takes for you to freeze to death in the wind than out of the wind. They literally line up average-sized humans and expose them to a range of temperatures and wind speeds and wait to see who dies first.
Well...here nobody dies. At least not on their feet. We just set the dead bodies outside and they get blown into Kansas where the burials are cheaper.
I have a solution to the dirty car issue. Just let it go. I haven't washed a car in years. I just leave that to the not-quite-solid precipitation. Haven't noticed any ill effects to the paint job, and I could care less what other people think of how my car looks. But that's just me.
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
Oh, man. There's a very good possibility that I'll be moving to Michigan, Minnesotta, or Alaska in June and I'm scared. I'm a Southerner and I know how to get cars out of Georgia clay, but that's about it. I can't drive in snow and I don't relish having to learn. Stupid academic job market.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
That's it, mack. I like the sound of mud because I live in sunny CA.
Have you been in the catnip again?
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Levesque SAID it was catnip...
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Mmmm. Cat nip. *meow*
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Ha. HA!!! You think IA's cold right now? It's -1 outside and MY PARENTS DON'T HAVE THE HEAT ON. It's 60 degrees in this house. I have to have three blankets to be able to sleep at night. I'm wearing a sweatshirt and a long sleeve shirt and two pairs of pants and I'm STILL cold. (mostly my fingers and toes, but whatever.)
I fishtailed EVERY SINGLE TIME I went out of my parking lot at school. But I still went out. Hundreds of times!!!!!
I'm glad you're adjusting, though. This is the part where I ask if it's cold enough for you.
Now I'm going to get under my three blankets and sleep. I'd go get my fourth, but I'm too afraid of what's happened to my shampoo bottles out there in the freezing cold.
Posted by ginette (Member # 852) on :
Bob, just let the car in the garage and buy a horse. Its body heat will keep you warm and you never have to scrape the ice off.
But seriously, it must be very difficult to adapt to a different climate. I hope you will soon and I wish you strength and all the best.
[ December 23, 2004, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: ginette ]
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
It should be in the 70's today down here in Florida, Bob. Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
Uh oh! Bob's complaining already!
edit: (oh, by the way, Bob, around here we call this winter cold "snuggle weather")
[ December 23, 2004, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: Farmgirl ]
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Ryuko, I leave my heat at 55 degrees. You'll change your tune about sweaters once you're paying the bills. </grumpy old person>
I promise to turn it up for the henna party, though. Hard to decorate your skin through three layers.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
They're forecasting a high of 2 degrees tomorrow, with a low of around -10. That's before windchill. No snow, though; it's been too cold for the last week.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
You live next to a silo? Finding a silo in Iowa is like finding an oil well in Texas. Can't you be a bit more specific?
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
But Dan, if he were more specific then you might be able to find him if you came to town! Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No Dan, he lives next to the elevator.
And you call yourself a midwesterner. Sheesh. Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Yo, sis, I just called you and you didn't answer. Avoiding me?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Cell phone's in the other room, 'cause I haven't left the house. Call the landline.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
55 degrees? <brrrrrr>
Actually, I haven't received my first heating bill yet. I suspect that I'll be shutting down the furnace and draining the water pipes (so they don't burst) and just living like a cave-dweller.
I'm fairly certain that my home is not insulated.
I haven't actually checked this of course. The only thing worse than scary basements is scary attic crawlspaces.
And besides, pink fiberglass insulation is dangerous.
Very dangerous.
Dan...trust me, if you get off of Rte 35 at the correct exit and drive a few miles east, you'll find my house by looking for the grain elevator. This place is flat. There's nothing else to see for miles around.
Except deer hunters and cell towers.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Farmgirl...snuggle weather is good. I have to point out, however, that I live clear across town (5 blocks away) and must return to my little house alone and sleep there, cold and lonely, every night.
This is a SMALL town. Dana is the pastor of the UMC parish. It just wouldn't do to have word get out of her and me snuggling at all hours.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
You have a landline?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
*snort*
Alone cold and lonely? You've got a dog.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
My wife once did a show in Iowa full of games and such. She had to physically stop people from playing mini-golf during a thunderstorm because when they raised the putters over their heads, they were the tallest peice of metal for miles around.
Iowa is so flat, I've heard it desbribed as God's pool table.
The only reason they allow cell phone towers in Iowa is to give it a third dimension.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Bob, a five block tunnel through the snow may go unnoticted until spring.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Hey, Bob, read today's comments at PVP: http://www.pvponline.com/ Posted by Trisha the Severe Hottie (Member # 6000) on :
Bob, I just want you to know that the inability to tell you how awesome you are is one of the things that broke me down to come back. If you think that's a good thing. [/stalker]
Posted by littlemissattitude (Member # 4514) on :
Well, I'll admit that it isn't six degrees here, or even twelve, but at ten this morning it was still 32 degrees F in Fresno, which means it's probably about 29 or 30 out here in the boonies. And I just went and looked out the door and now (10:43 a.m.) visibility is still less than a quarter of a mile. Just love that freezing fog.
Oh, and Bob, you wrote about the noises the grain elevator makes. Reminds me of waking up on even colder mornings than this and hearing the drone of the wind machines trying to keep the oranges from freezing on the trees. One day the week after Thanksgiving, they ran the things until nearly noon.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
55 degrees!?!?! You win. YOU WIN. Yikes.
But at least Henna will be warm.
Posted by solo (Member # 3148) on :
We are having stupid weather in Edmonton this year. It has been fluctuating between about 10 and -29 celsius for most of December. It was -25 yesterday and it is supposed to be 3 tomorrow and then back down to -28 by Sunday. We have a ton of snow and the roads are terrible because it keeps thawing and refreezing. And a section of my fence blew down in the wind on Sunday (apparently some planes were tipped over by the wind at a small airport just northeast of the city). Then, because I didn't get the fence propped up soon enough it froze to the ground.
Usually it just stays cold here in the winter and I would actually prefer that to the flip-flopping.
Posted by Sara Sasse (Member # 6804) on :
solo, my husband Dave says to say "hi." He used to deliver mail in Edmonton, including through the winter. On foot. You have our sympathies.
Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
I love the cold weather!!!!1[/end sarcasm] My favorite cold weather goof involves our first Christmas tree. We brought it home, and weren't quite ready to bring it in. I put it in a bucket of water in the garage for a night or two so I could get things prepared. Of course, the water froze to the bottom of the tree. That tree didn't last too long...would've worked fine in Virginia Beach. I ended up having to wrestle the tree in the house and letting it thaw inside. Did I mention that my wife loves to pick out the fattest tree on the lot?
Great, 10 degrees on Christmas Eve. Oh what fun.
[ December 23, 2004, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: TheTick ]
Posted by solo (Member # 3148) on :
Hi Dave!
I actually don't mind the cold so much. It is really not very humid here so it is usually pretty easy to warm up.
I don't envy the mail carriers though. I get pretty cold just shovelling my sidewalk.
We have been in Edmonton 4 years now and we usually only get 1 or 2 really cold weeks (lower than -20). Last year it got to -40 a couple of days (that is where fahrenheit and celsius are the same).
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
All the rain just melted all our snow. Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
*stabs rain*
Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
The snow that leaves will soon be back.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
In Buffalo.
Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
We get enough of our own, thanks.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote: *snort*
Alone cold and lonely? You've got a dog.
*awed by the sympathy*
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
I was pretty impressed, too.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Yes, being affianced to dkw is truly a humbling experience.
Dana
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
I just meant that on the days when I drive you home, it’s very sad and quiet to come into the house and not have Smokey all excited to greet me.
It’s funny how quickly I’ve gotten used to her being here.
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
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![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[No No]](graemlins/nono.gif)
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55 degrees!?!?! You win. YOU WIN. Yikes. ![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
That tree didn't last too long...would've worked fine in Virginia Beach. I ended up having to wrestle the tree in the house and letting it thaw inside. Did I mention that my wife loves to pick out the fattest tree on the lot?![[Cry]](graemlins/cry.gif)
![[Hail]](graemlins/hail.gif)
Dana