I saw this attributed to John Cleese, don't know. But I thought it was funny.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
Posted by James Tiberius Kirk (Member # 2832) on :
quote:6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
I've seen this before. It never gets old.
--j_k
Posted by bunbun (Member # 6814) on :
Point 6 is well taken. American football is, in fact, for nancies. Soccer is a better game, and rugby is fabulous.
However, I drive a Jeep after a steady diet of Volvo 240s. As Volvo no longer makes the 240, and I have no wish to spend more on my car than is wise, I think the points as to American cars are plain wrong.
I would also note that my vocabulary is just fine, thank you. I know such handy words and phrases as "perspicacity," and "synaptic plasticity." Further, I can intersperse these words in tremendous sentences such as, "With great perspicacity, I noted the increase in use of the term 'synaptic plasticity,' among scientists who study synapses and thier plasticity."
As for the rest of this Revocation, such as it is, I will only note that the US has provided generations of my family with incredible opportunities. My great-grandmother came here as an indentured servant, and now I have a law degree and a Jeep. By anyone's standards, that's a serious upgrade.
I'll take our misspellings and mispronunciations and our crazy mixed up president.
Bunbun the patriot ahem
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Dear England,
We received your letter of November 2. You seem to be languishing under the delusion that you still have any real power in the world, probably because Canada and Australia are nice enough to continue to pay your queen lip service. We are sending them copies of this letter and kindly ask them to stop. It was fun for a century or two, but it's time to face reality now.
We know it's hard for a former great colonial power to face up to the fact that France is now cooler than it. Believe me, we understand the humiliation. Nevertheless, this sort of posturing is only likely to end badly for you.
Thank you,
The United States of America
Posted by dread pirate romany (Member # 6869) on :
It is spot on about beer, especially Budweiser.
Posted by digging_holes (Member # 6237) on :
France is cooler than England? I'm afraid this is one point upon which we just don't agree, Dagonee.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Food-wise, for sure.
Posted by Uhleeuh (Member # 6803) on :
quote: Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication
Guilty as charged.
quote: It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
I've been saying that for a long time! Really, is there a reason it's called the World Series?
[ January 20, 2005, 07:56 PM: Message edited by: Uhleeuh ]
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
I'd start a France is cooler than England debate, but once I tried that and it lead to the hundred years' war.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Uhleeuh- I think they call it that because one of our teams was in Canada and a lot of our players were Cuban.
Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
Heh, I haven't told this joke in at least a week.
Poor Canada. Here is a country that by all rights should have American Technology, French cuisine, and English Culture.
Instead they have French Technology, English Cuisine, and American Culture.
Yeah, I know someone brought up the bullet train last time I told that.
Also, France can't be cooler. It's closer to the equator. :crickets chirp:
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
And, if you want to insult a country, comparing them to France is the way to go. Posted by digging_holes (Member # 6237) on :
quote: There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
I'm glad someone other than me noticed.
Posted by Uhleeuh (Member # 6803) on :
Ahh, thanks Annie. I was always confused by the name because if I'm remembering correctly, the youth World Series really is a World Series.
Posted by digging_holes (Member # 6237) on :
Actually, I like to scold you crazy Americans for your inappopriate spellings, but I realize that I am in no position to criticize. See what I mean? My spelling is a bastardized hybrid of english and american spellings. I put all the letters in words like "favour" and "colour", but I do have a love affair with the letter Z (which I pronounce ZED). Whenever I'm in doubt as to which is appropriate, I go with Z. Looks like i'm Amerenglish. Or, Canadian.
Posted by newfoundlogic (Member # 3907) on :
quote: The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
I agree.
quote: You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
So the British agree, Canada is the 51st state.
Soccer is fun, but if we stopped playing other sports than we would just dominate soccer like we do all other sports we compete internationally in. Its not that other countries are inferior, but the only two countries with populations larger than us don't play soccer either and have poor training facilities.
quote: 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
I demand to keep my steak knives!
quote: 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
But this time around we were decisive.
quote: All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good.
Agreed, but British cars are worse or unaffordable and Japanese cars are better than anything else in the world.
quote: 10. You will learn to make real chips... Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
McDonald's is awesome and does use animal fat, or at least I think that's what was revealed as being the case.
quote: 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Its our secret. Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
They don't use animal fat, or vegitarians couldn't eat their fries. I think they use canola oil or coconut oil or something. People who once upon a time worked at McDonalds?
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
McDonald's stopped using animal fat before I went to college.
That's a long time ago for those who are counting.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
*sings*
Canada, oh Canada! It's the maple leaf state
Posted by newfoundlogic (Member # 3907) on :
I thought a couple of years ago, a story broke that they were using animal fat and the vegetarian groups made a big fuss.
I don't think employees would know because they do that stuff before it gets there, or something. I never worked at a fast food place so I don't really know.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
The switch I'm thinking of was very public, and not a dispute.
I haven't heard of yours, which, of course, has no bearing on whether it happened. Posted by newfoundlogic (Member # 3907) on :
nfl, it was in 1998 that McDonald's admitted to not serving vegetarian friendly fries. You can read more about it here.
Edit: Or you can beat me to it.
[ January 20, 2005, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: Uhleeuh ]
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Thanks for the link. I hadn't heard of that.
The fries were so much better in the 80s. *sigh*
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
O_o but 1998 was so long ago... It doesn't even exist anymore.
I do remember that happening, but I had no idea whether it was news that happened while I was alive or news I just heard about.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
When I'm eating fries, thoughts of healthful eating have already been left far, far behind.
Posted by newfoundlogic (Member # 3907) on :
Neither article mentions if they changed their prectices or if they continue, as the British apparently do, to use animal fat, which does make them very tasty.
Posted by James Tiberius Kirk (Member # 2832) on :
Only on Hatrack can a conversation about The Revocation of American Independence become a conversation about French fries. --j_k
Posted by newfoundlogic (Member # 3907) on :
No, they're chips.
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
quote:You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Apparently they think we destroyed ALL of Japan in WWII, not just Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Posted by Uhleeuh (Member # 6803) on :
nfl, on their site, with a copyright year of 2004, they state:
Um, folks--this was out 4 years ago (I have a copy in my private files) when we were indecisive. It was funnier then.
Apparently someone recently decided to resend it out.
Posted by newfoundlogic (Member # 3907) on :
Fine, its my secret. Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
quote: Actually, I like to scold you crazy Americans for your inappopriate spellings
Inappopriate spellings? Posted by Allegra (Member # 6773) on :
quote: 6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
1. I agree totally 2. The US actually has the last Olympic Gold metal for Rugby. After that year Rugby was no longer and Olympic sport. I think one or two people died. The team now would be slaughtered by England, but we still have the metal darn it.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
quote: I would also note that my vocabulary is just fine, thank you. I know such handy words and phrases as "perspicacity," and "synaptic plasticity." Further, I can intersperse these words in tremendous sentences such as, "With great perspicacity, I noted the increase in use of the term 'synaptic plasticity,' among scientists who study synapses and thier plasticity."
Sure, your vocab may be great, but your spelling ain't. Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
quote: e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
And it's "sher" not "shyre".
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*plugs ieSpell*
Posted by Verily the Younger (Member # 6705) on :
Yeah, blah blah blah. I like England as much as anybody, but this kind of crap gets old real fast. I sincerely hope that the linking of John Cleese's name to this is the result of misattribution, like such things nearly always are.
Posted by newfoundlogic (Member # 3907) on :
I looked for this on snopes, but couldn't find anything so it may be true. On the other hand there have been pieces falsely attributed to Cleese before.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
I'll be jailed long before I ever submit to putting the letter U in any of my words that until now I have not put it in. It's useless, stupid, and I will never add it to 'color' or 'favor' or any of the others, unless I intend to pronounce them 'coo-lure' and 'fay-voor.'
It's a personal pet peeve of mine, I simply hate those damned U's. It's a blessing and a curse to read "Harry Potter", good book, but so British.
Posted by UofUlawguy (Member # 5492) on :
The only British spelling I agree to adopt is GREY instead of GRAY. I admit that it is, and always was, much better.
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
UofU, I completely agree. In fact, I think I usually spell it grey; I just didn't realize that that was the British spelling.
Posted by aspectre (Member # 2222) on :
And I mean two entirely different shades/hues/colors or two entirely different moods when choosing between grey or gray.
[ January 21, 2005, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: aspectre ]
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
I think I use grey and gray interchangably. Aside from that, my only real anglicism is Theatre, which is how my high school english teacher always spelled it.
Posted by newfoundlogic (Member # 3907) on :
I never even realized grey/gray had two different spellings. I'm sure I've them both, but I've never even thought about it.
Theater is a building, theatre is a performance...in my world.
Posted by just-a-min (Member # 7308) on :
Grey is the cool way to spell it, but if you're talking about two varities of the same colour , Gray, IMO is the cooler (more blue) hue. Grey has a hint of taupe.
Posted by Catseye1979 (Member # 5560) on :
quote:Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Guess I'll move to Utah. Dose that mean the Mormons finnally get to rename it the State of Deseret like we first tried to do? Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
I'm Canadian. Which means that I interchange most British and American spellings. Posted by Vera (Member # 2094) on :
This has been around for a while, and I think the only really funny part is this:
quote:11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
Because intense relationship of Englishmen with their tea is amusing, and it's just so English to still be burned up about the Tea Party. Even back then it was like "Oh, sure, you can flout our laws, tar and feather tax collectors, terrorize and intimidate officers of the crown, subject our soldiers to mob violence, and even burn the royal governor's house down and we'll react with barely a whimper. But you messed with our TEA so now it's personal and we're gonna get midieval on your ass!"
Posted by Nato (Member # 1448) on :
*plugs SpellBound*
Posted by Yozhik (Member # 89) on :
Actually, modern American English is closer to the language of Shakespeare than modern British English is. Or so I was told in linguistics class: as a colonial population becomes isolated from the mother country, it becomes MORE linguistically conservative. This is true of Siberian settlements as well: Siberian Russian contains many words, as well as pronunciations, that long since have been dropped from the "Moscow" standard Russian.
[ January 23, 2005, 12:26 AM: Message edited by: Yozhik ]
Posted by James Tiberius Kirk (Member # 2832) on :
I think that was partially covered in SftD/Xenocide/CotM somewhere-- OSC mentioned that the language on Lusitania had changed to become a mix between Common (?) and Portugese; Xenobiologist had been adapted to become Zenodor, or something like that.
That sticks in my mind, but I'm not sure of the exact book or page number.
--j_k
Posted by Yozhik (Member # 89) on :
Well, it should have been the other way around, with Lusitanian retaining characteristics that had faded out of "Earth Standard" Portugese.
Posted by Hermocrates of Syracuse (Member # 7233) on :
I play rugby! Yes! Finally! Football is for wimps!
As Anthony Stewart Head said:
"Football is just a bunch of louts strapping on forty punds of pretective gear just to play rugby, with lots of breathers"
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