I tried turning another thread into a stupid joke thread, but it got closed too soon.
So this is a thread for stupid jokes. Not puns -- there are lots of other places on hatrack for puns.
OK, I'll go first:
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
Two men are flying an an aeroplane. Unfortunately one falls out the aeroplane. Fortunately there is a haystack below. Unfortunately there is a pitchfork in the haystack. Fortunately, he misses the pitchfork.
Unfortunately he misses the haystack.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 metres.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch!
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
A police officer is sitting by the side of the road watching for speeders. A guy goes driving by, swerving all over the road. The cop looks closer, and sees that there are actually penguins climbing all over the guy, causing him to swerve.
The cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, I think you should take those penguins to the zoo!"
The guy says, "Ok."
Next day, same cop, same speed trap.
The same guy comes driving down the road, still swerving, car still filled with penguins--only this time, the penguins are all wearing sunglasses.
The cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
The guy says, "I did! And they liked it so much that today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?
He was a small medium at large.
Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
A penguin walks into a bar and says "Hey, has my father been in here today?" The bartender says "I don't know. Could you describe him to me?"
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
A man walks into the doctor's office with a duck on his head. The duck says "Doc! Can you get this guy off my a$$?"
Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
@ Teshi
Posted by Epictetus (Member # 6235) on :
How did Hellen Keller burn her ear? She answered the iron
How did she burn the other ear? They called back.
Admittedly this joke doesn't really make sense since she was blind and deaf, but I think this joke is delightfully stupid anyway Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
A rabbi, a minister and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Fred Fish and Sam Clam were best of friends frolicking in the ocean, but one day they both died. Fred Fish was good and went to heaven. Sam Clam was a bad bad crustacean and went to Hell. After they had been there some time, word got to Fred Fish that his friend was opening a Disco in hell. (I mean, where else would one have a Disco?) So Fred Fish went to St Peter and begged him to let him visit is friend in hell. After a while, St Peter gave in and told him he could visit Hell, but he HAD to remember to bring his harp back when he returned. The day of the grand opening Fred Fish was all a buzz with excitement. He visited Sam Clam in Hell and Discoed the night away. Of course, all good things must come to an end and he waved good bye to his friend and returned to heaven. He was greeted at the gate by St Peter who asked Fred Fish why he wasn't carrying his Harp. Fred Fish looked up at St Peter and sang ...
"I Left My Harp... In Sam Clam's Disco."
Pix
Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
I love this joke from my little sister:
Why did the chicken hop across the road?
Because he only had one leg!
Then I added:
Why did the cat hop across the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken!
Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
How can you identify Ronald McDonald at a nudist colony? He has sesame seeds on his buns. Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
Where do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
****
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
****
What do you call a dog with no legs??
It doesn't matter 'cause he can't come anyway.
****
But I did have a friend who had a dog with no legs. He called him "cigarette" 'cause every night he'd take him for a drag around the block. Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
Why won't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
There's a horse on the roof.
(I invented this joke when I was 4. I believe I had a more sophisticated sense of irony than my parents ever understood, it was my version of "pigs might fly".)
AJ
[ April 11, 2005, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by Liaison (Member # 6873) on :
Sick...but funny when I heard it.
A pedophile, a child molester, and a priest walk into a bar... ...and that was just the first guy.
Posted by Glenn Arnold (Member # 3192) on :
Q: Why did the moron throw the butter out the window? . . . .
A: Because he wanted to see the butterfly.
Q: Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? . . . .
A: Because he wanted to see time fly.
Q: Why did the moron throw the chair out the window? . . . .
A: Because he was a moron.
Q: Why did the moron sit on a crate? . . . . A: Because he threw the chair out the window.
Q: Why did the moron walk into the house? . . . .
A: Because he forgot to open the door.
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing? . . . .
A: Because he was dead.
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin turns to his partner and says, "It's getting pretty hot in here." The second muffin says "Ahhh!!! A talking muffin!"
[ April 11, 2005, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
A hot dog walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
-Trevor
Posted by Happy Camper (Member # 5076) on :
I have a different and more extended version of Glenn's last joke.
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead!
Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: He was stapled to the first monkey!
Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Peer Pressure!
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: Where's my tractor!
* as these are all terribly stupid, the punchlines have to be said as if it's the funniest/most exciting thing you could possibly think of
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
So you've all heard about Ghandi? He practiced civil disobedience and became quite famous for it. He walked around in bare feet a lot and definitely could have used a pedicure, not to mention the bad breath he had from not eating. Not eating also contributed to his thin and delicate frame.
Poor guy. He was a Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Plagued with Halitosis.
*ducks*
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
Posted by UofUlawguy (Member # 5492) on :
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: Their color.
Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants?
A: "Here come the elephants."
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants?
A: "Here come the plums." (Tarzan was colorblind.)
Posted by Susie Derkins (Member # 7718) on :
Oh, man! Muppet, you stole mine! Only, my punchline is: "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
OK, here's another one:
Two nuns are out driving through Transylvania, when they round a bend and are shocked to see Count Dracula in the middle of the road. He spreads his arms and bares his fangs. "Quick!" says Mary Martha to Mary Theresa, "Show him your cross!" Mary Theresa rolls down the window, leans out, and shakes her fist. "I'm really getting mad!"
Posted by Tater (Member # 7035) on :
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the hali'but.
Thank you, popsicles. Posted by Tater (Member # 7035) on :
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left him!
And.. if you think you can handle THE BEST JOKE EVER! Sure to spice up any dull moment! ....
....
...
Two peanuts were walking down an alley.. and one was ASSALTED!
[ April 11, 2005, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: Tater ]
Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
Why did the egg cross the road?
Because it had the inclination.
Posted by Little_Doctor (Member # 6635) on :
I hate it when someone tells you that you are blocking the fire exit. [sarcasm] Because I'm not planning to run if there is a fire. I think I'll just stand here.[/sarcasm]
Edit: Typo
[ April 11, 2005, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: Little_Doctor ]
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
Broken Escalators are still stairs.
Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
If you pull the wings off of a fly, do you call it a walk?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender yells, "Hey you, get out of here...we don't serve your kind!" The mushroom looks completely abashed: "Why not? I'm a fun guy."
Posted by Tater (Member # 7035) on :
quote:Mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender yells, "Hey you, get out of here...we don't serve your kind!" The mushroom looks completely abashed: "Why not? I'm a fun guy."
Oh man.. Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
Two guys walk into a bar...the third ducked.
A duck walks into a resturaunt, sits down at a booth, and asks the waiter, "got any corn?" The waiter, very upset that a duck entered his establishment, said "What are you doing here? We don't serve ducks" and throws him out. The next day the same duck walks into the resturaunt and sits in the same booth. He asks the waiter, "got any corn?". The waiter doesn't even answer, and just kicks the duck to the curb. The next day the duck walks in again, sits in the same stall, and waits for the waiter. "Got any corn?" The waiter can't take it any more. "Look, we don't serve ducks here, and if I see you in this place again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor" and he throws the duck out, seemingly for the last time. The next day, and the next, and the next -- no duck. But on the fourth day the duck shows up, sits down at the booth, and waits patiently for the waiter to show up. "Got any nails?" The waiter says "Of course not." "Got any corn?"
Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :
quote:wo men are flying an an aeroplane. Unfortunately one falls out the aeroplane. Fortunately there is a haystack below. Unfortunately there is a pitchfork in the haystack. Fortunately, he misses the pitchfork.
Now I owe you all a joke ...
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
(My twelve year old cousin told me this one)
It's the first day of school, and the teacher is sitting in class waiting for her new students to arrive. The first student walks in. She's beautiful, with gorgeous long blond hair, and a perfect figure.
Teacher: Hello, what's your name? Student: My name is Iris. Teacher: Iris! What a beautiful name! Why are you called Iris? Iris: Because, when my mother was pregnant, she was sitting in the meadow, and an iris fell on her stomach, so she named me Iris.
The second student walks into the room. She's also gorgeous, with beautiful black hair, all the way to her waist.
Teacher: Hello, what's your name? Student: My name is Rose. Teacher: Iris! What a beautiful name! Why are you called Rose? Rose: Because, when my mother was pregnant, she was sitting in the meadow, and a rose fell on her stomach, so she named me Rose.
The third student walks in. She's very pretty, with red curls cascading down her back.
Teacher: Hello, what's your name? Student: My name is Lily. Teacher: Lily! What a beautiful name! Why are you called Lily? Lily: Because, when my mother was pregnant, she was sitting in the meadow, and a lily fell on her stomach, so she named me Lily.
The fourth student walks into the classroom. Her hair is all over the place, and she's really out of shape. She has a horribly deformed face (digression: please bear in mind that this was told to me by a twelve year old boy!).
Teacher: Hello, what's your name? Student: My name is Piano.
*ducks tomatoes*
Posted by ProverbialSunrise (Member # 7771) on :
If a wheel falls off a wagon that is rolling uphill. How long does it take to shingle a doghouse.
None, because there's no bones in cottage cheese
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two. One to change it and one not to change.
How many sur-realists does it take to change a light-bulb?
Three, one to change it and two to fill the bathtub full of strawberry jello.
Hobbes Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
Q: How many homosexuals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You shouldn't try to change the lightbulb -- you should just accept it for what it is.
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
Rodents who enter the Nike factory are quickly shoed away.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Q : How many journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : Three. One to praise the inspired government program to bring light to the people. One to denounce the communist plot to deprive the people of the freedom to choose darkness. And one to win the Pulitzer for showing that the LightBulb Company Inc. bribed assassins to break the bulb in the first place.
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
What's the difference between a dead rat and a dead lawyer in the road?
Skidmarks in front of the rat.
Did you hear scientists will start using lawyers in their experiments?
Apparently there are some things even a rat won't do.
-Trevor
Posted by Darth Ender (Member # 7694) on :
Jedi are the best
Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
What do you have if you've buried five lawyers up to their necks?
Not enough sand.
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
*resurrecting ones I'm sure I've posted here before*
A Buddhist monk goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
He pays with a five, and the hot dog vendor turns away. The monk says, "Hey, where's my change?" The hot dog vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
Posted by Mike (Member # 55) on :
How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
It depends how thin you slice them.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
If you got Everything, where would you put it all?
On a pizza.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk and Quackers.
What do you get when you cross a head of lettuce and a Crocodile?
A salad that eats you.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsssshhhhhhhhh.
Whad did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
"Dam"
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
World's oldest joke.
The volcano was threatening to explode. They needed a female sacrifice to appease the volcano god. The ancient jokester Henny Caveman stood up and said, "Hey, take my wife--please."
(Actually, he stole that joke from George Burns)
Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
quote:What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsssshhhhhhhhh.
Posted by Cow-Eating Man (Member # 4491) on :
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
Gotta love poop jokes.
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Well yes, they are the...sorry.
-Trevor
Posted by starlooker (Member # 7495) on :
How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb? One. ~~~~~ The closest thing to a dirty joke my mother's ever told me:
So, this English teacher was sentenced to twenty years in jail. The first night he was in jail, he was extremely upset about the upcoming years.
His cellmate felt sorry for him and said, "Look, i'm going to give you some advice. The warden goes away for a week every month or two and leaves his wife in charge. If you want a shorter sentence, what you need to do is make nice with the warden's wife, if you know what i'm saying" Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. "I promise, you'll be walking out of here a free man in no time."
Well, the English teacher was absolutely horrified at the suggestion! He absolutely refused to consider it. His cellmate was confused. "What's the problem?"
The English teacher replied, "I couldn't! It would be wrong to end a sentence with a proposition!" ~~~~~~
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis...er... I mean ladder!
Posted by Tater (Member # 7035) on :
quote:Did you hear scientists will start using lawyers in their experiments?
Apparently there are some things even a rat won't do.
Didn't I see that in a movie once? In Hook, with Robin Williams, maybe. Then he said something like, they're going to start using lawyers instead of rats because they get more attached to the rat.
Something.
It was funny, either way. Good show, mate! Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Posted by Beanny (Member # 7109) on :
Posted by Psycho Triad (Member # 3331) on :
So I've always wondered..
Is an expert someone who used to be pert?
Posted by Susie Derkins (Member # 7718) on :
What lays on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
---
What's the difference between a trampoline and a banjo?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
---
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws; the other's a pause at the end of a clause.
Posted by Susie Derkins (Member # 7718) on :
Victor storms into the crowded parlor, spoiling the pleasant social banter of the ladies, and slaps Reginald across the face with his riding glove.
"How dare you fart before my wife!" Victor bellows.
"I'm sorry!" stutters Reginald, "I didn't know it was her turn!"
Posted by Susie Derkins (Member # 7718) on :
Recite this out loud. When you've perfected it, challenge your friends:
One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they both felt smart.
then, move up to:
Sheet slitters slit sheets Like sheet slitters should slit sheets.
if you can handle all that, go for:
I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son. I'm only plucking pheasants Till the pheasant plucker comes.
Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :
quote:If a wheel falls off a wagon that is rolling uphill. How long does it take to shingle a doghouse.
None, because there's no bones in cottage cheese
Anyone ever hear of Mommy Mommy jokes? They were popular in my high school.
Mommy, mommy, why are we pushing the car over the cliff? Hush, you'll wake your dad.
Mommy, mommy, what's a vampire? Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
[ April 15, 2005, 03:30 AM: Message edited by: CaySedai ]
Posted by Beanny (Member # 7109) on :
"Mommy, mommy, what's that sattigarus the doctor said I have?"
"Not sattigarus, honey, not sattigarus. Cancer."
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
Three Europeans travelled to Saudi Arabia, and started getting alcohol smuggled through. Obviously, being illegal an act, the police caught them. Needless to say, they were brought to the king and he said to them "well, you have performed illegal actions and must serve a baring of fifty lashes each".
Then the executer said to the three of them, "my wife has a birthday today, and she sranted all people today one wish to be fulfilled". "All right", said the three, and the procedure continued.
The first guy was a sober Spaniard, who thought for a bit, and said "I will have a pillow tied to my back, please". Such happened, and after about 20 lashes the pillow was in shreds; so the poor Iberian suffered another 30, and he started crying. They kicked him into the corner, and asked the next one to get his share of beatings.
The next guy was - classically - a German, and he remmbered to "get high from his own supply". Bing a little tipsy, he must've lost calculation by commanding "tie two pillows to my back". After 40 lashes, one saw feathers all over the room, and nothing covering his back. The poor bastard suffered another 10 lashes in agony, and cried tears of beer. He too was kicked to the corner, and the third guy was asked to come forth.
A Pom was all it needed to describe this guy: drunk in vein. He was so overwhelmed by the holy molecule of Ethanol, that he wobbled all the way to his beater. Suddenly, the king opened his mouth: "Dear Englishman, I would like to say that I am very impressed with your Queen; and though I don't like your Prince Charles, I am glad Her Majesty is still in rule, for I adore Monarchies, as you well know. I therefore offer you an additional wish beyond what my assistant here offered." The Englishmen thought for a moment, looked up to the high ceiling, grinned and spoke "I would like, your majesty, to receive a full one hundred painful lashes". "Why", said the king, "that is a very impressive act on your behalf, and with much valour - I promise to deal with the United Kingdom in good terms henceforth. But tell me, please - you Englishman - what is your second wish> I will grant it, I promise". "Well", said the Englishman. "if you promise - I must plea you to tie that ****ING GERMAN to my back!!!"
---
The [late] Pope arrived at New York, for one of his scheduled preaches, and a limousine parked in-front in order to take him to his destination. The Pope, being a little enthusiastic that day, asked the driver to "please get out of the cockpit as I want to drive". The driver refused sternly, telling him that "you can't drive, because I am your driver, and certified at that. You are not meant to drive". The Pope still told him: "Look, I am the Pope, and I want to drive." "No one", he continued, weeping, "Ever lets me drive in the Vatican! And I want to drive again". So the driver let him in finally, and told the Pope where to go to.
The Pope decided to start driving with brutal force, and the Lincoln limousine shot through the city and onto the highway. The Pope, who was having way too much fun, didn't really care for the the security, and finally police caught them.
Fred Jennings, a very regular policeman, caught a Lincoln driving at a very high speed, he told the driver to open the windows. When the driver opened them, his jaw collapsed. He momently returned to his police-car, and then spoke to his boss:
"Sir, we got someone big." "Who, the mayor or something?" "No, sir, I caught something much, much bigger." "The governor?" "No, sir! I'm talking bigger than anything caught in history!" "The... the President drove illegally, what? I mean... WHAT?" "Sir, I said big. I meant we caught God." "GOD?! What the **** do you mean, Jennings?! How do you know it's God?" "Because, sir, the Pope's driving for Him."
JH
Posted by His Savageness (Member # 7428) on :
Ghandi was a great man. He walked all over the place barefoot, so his feet got all rough and rugged and used to the terrain. He also fasted a lot, and this fasting made him sometimes weak with hunger and probably gave him bad breath. So what does that make him?
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
A plane is crossing the Atlantic when it loses an engine.
The pilot radios the passenger cabin and says, "we have to lighten the load or else we'll never make it to land!"
An Englishman steps to the open door, shouts "God save the Queen!" and jumps out.
Not to be outdone, a Frenchman walks to the open door, shouts "viva le France!" and jumps out.
Finally, a lanky Texan steps up to the door and yells "remember the Alamo!" and pushes two Mexicans overboard.
-Trevor
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Annie, try:
I slit a sheet a sheet I slit Upon the slitted sheet I sit.
The word order makes it interseting at the end.
I've heard that is one of the hardest:
The sixth sick sheik's Sixth sheep's sick.
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
Here's the constapated one:
I sit my slit for sheets of s***.
That is, I placed down my hole from which I defecate (and the rest of the body follows), in order to excrete sheets of crap.
In other words, I was on the toilet.
Please excuse me, for I have been unable to defecate for 3 days.
JH
---
An opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back. But instead of dying, like in plays (Julius Caesar), he starts singing!
Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
Q: What can see behind it as well as in front of it?
A: A blind horse.
Posted by Hammer (Member # 7528) on :
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversay and he takes her to a posh oriental restaurant.
After looking over the menu, they both decide to order the "chicken surprise" special fo the night.
Soon the waiter comes out with a large tray and large rounded cover and sets the entire try on the table.
s the husband finishes his egg drop soup (nothing to do with the chicken surprise) the wife goes to lift the lid when is starts to rattle, lifts up an inch and two beady eyes look at her and the lid drops down.
Edgar! She calls, "there's something wrong."
Edgar then begins to lift the lid when once again it rattles, lifts up about 1 inch and a pair of beady eyes looks at him and the lid drops down.
He calls the waiter over andtells him what's happening and asks him to explain.
"Oh" said the waiter" So sorry--I thought you order peaking duck."
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Saturday I told my nephew and son that I could jump higher than this restaurant.
My nephew said, "No you can't"
I said, "Yes I can. This restaurant can't jump at all."
They almost kicked me out of the restaurant.
.
In college I and a date went to a Society for Creative Anachronism or SAC meeting. There was a guy dressed as a monk sitting at one of the tables. He was selling indulgences. He had a wooden duck with wheels for feet at the end of a pole, and while he talked with us, he rolled the duck under my date's dress (we were going to the theater after this visit.)
"What are you doing?" she asked stearnly.
"It not me" said the monk. "Its Harvey" indicating the wooden water fowl. "He's a peeking duck."
We almost kicked him out of the room.
Posted by Susie Derkins (Member # 7718) on :
Actually, BookWyrm, I just repeated that one today.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Back in the old west, a three-legged dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
More Mommy mommy jokes:
"Mommy, mommy, why do I keep walking around in circles?" "Shut up or I'll nail the other foot to the floor."
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door? Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob
What do you feed an 800 lb gorilla? Anything it wants.
[ April 19, 2005, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by ProverbialSunrise (Member # 7771) on :
Q: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? - - - - A: Open the door. Put him inside. - - - - Q:How do you put an elephant in the fridge? - - - - A:Open the door. Take out the giraffe. Put him in. - - - - Q:There was a meeting and all the animals went except for one. Which one didn't go? - - - - A:The elephant. He's still in the fridge. - - - - Q:There's a river where hundreds of man-eating crocodiles live. How do you cross? - - - - A:Swim across. All the crocodiles are at the meeting.
Edited: for improved readability
[ April 19, 2005, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: ProverbialSunrise ]
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Do you know the difference between a dozen eggs and a dozen man eating crocodiles?
(they say, "no")
Remind me not to take you shopping for eggs then.
Posted by WigginWinning (Member # 7811) on :
What's brown and sticky?
A Stick.
Posted by mimsies (Member # 7418) on :
My son made this up when he was 4:
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
It was stapled to a house.
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
I have not a "Mommy, Mommy" joke, rather a "your Momma" joke:
Your Momma, כה שמנא, [אם] ישבה בביתא, ישבה בכל ביתא!
Excuse me, that was in Aramaic. And rhyming.
Your Momma is like an anvil; she gets hammered by big, sweaty guys all day long and she never wares out!
Excuse me again, that's vulgar.
--- How many pigs does is take to change a lightbulb?
Well, when pigs will fly... --- How many Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb according to Baba Batra 10a?
Two. One to almost fall off the ladder, and the second to lecture him for two and a half pages of time why he's falling off - without helping him back on, of course.
JH
Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
Ja!...Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
::dies::
Posted by TrapperKeeper (Member # 7680) on :
Whether the weather is cold, or whether the weather is hot, weather the weather no matter the weather, whether you like it or not.
Red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather yellow leather red
First ones just fun to say out loud, second one can be deceptively hard till you've said it a few hundred times.
Posted by dean (Member # 167) on :
The other day, I was feeling sick, so I decided to go to the doctor. But during the checkup he acted so weird.... He said he was going to take my pulse and then he just bit my neck! So I've decided that that's the last time I go see Dr. Acula!
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Pourquoi est-ce que le dix a peur du sept?
Parce que le sept huit neuf!
We used to tell that one to French people. Anyone who spoke English would start laughing, and everyone else would stare at them. Posted by CalvinMaker (Member # 2032) on :
![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif)
@ Teshi
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Admittedly this joke doesn't really make sense since she was blind and deaf, but I think this joke is delightfully stupid anyway ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Taunt]](graemlins/taunt.gif)
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Evil Laugh]](graemlins/evillaugh.gif)